In the Grim Darkness of the Right Now…Tuesday…Er, Monday Open Thread

So obviously this is not the Weekly Warhammer Woundup, and for that I am sorry. Thanks to ArmedandHammered’s tireless efforts to edumacate us, however, I am intrigued. Not being a tabletop gamer, I have instead chosen to stick my head into the yawning lion’s mouth that is Warhammer 40K Fluff- that is, the novels. And brother, there is nothing fluffy about this.

A&H’s recaps (and following some of his links into the depths of the wiki) convinced me that the only way I would have any chance of navigating this maze was to start At The Beginning, 10,000 years before the Main Action in a series called The Horus Heresy.

Which is about the same as saying you are going to learn how to eat an elephant by practicing on a hippo. There are sixty-two (62) novels in this series SO FAR. Most are 400+ pages. If you were inclined to listen on Audible, this (sub)series would cost you north of $1800. Madness and death are all I deserve.

As you might imagine, I am not terribly far into this, but between the novels and the wikihole I fall into every time I look something up, here are my Preliminary Views:

1. Emperor’s a douchebag. He’s been was born 10,000 years before now (like, real now) and can’t be bothered to have his shit in order. He reads like Highlander fan-fiction had a baby with King Lear. Ain’t care, dude got what he deserved.
2. Orks would be perfect if not for the game designers/writer’s insistence on misspelling everything with a “z” and talkin’ like drunk chav ol da toim. ORK RIGHTS NOW!
3. Roboute Guilliman and the Ultramarines really are the complete buzzkills I was told.
4. Chaos Gods get a bad rap. Like, the stuff in these novels is so cartoonishly disgusting, evil and over the top that I can’t help but wonder what’s really going on. False flag, etc.
5. All Space Marines are male, and yet there is no gay or trans Space Marines? Even when you’re a giant genetically-enhanced nightmare whose Life is Combat, you started out as the same shitty pre-pubescent stock that we as a society currently struggle to contain and sequester until they are at least somewhat tame. Something must persist.
6. The setting gets a lot of (deserved) shit for being overly self-serious, but “World Eaters” is just a great name for a military unit. Or a band. Whatever.

NFL NEWS:

-First major training camp injury is in! If you had the Lions’ shiney new free agent cornerback C.J. Gardner-Johnson in the contest, please report to customer service to claim your prize. Gardner-Johnson, a key part of the Iggles’ drive to the Super Bowl last year while tying the league lead with six interceptions, fucked off for an $8 million, one year deal with Detroit this off-season. In light drills, he went down with a right leg injury and had to be carted off. Sources say “He’s fine” and that the injury is not serious. Normally, I would be skeptical, but if anyone is intimately familiar with the inside of a knee, it’s Dan Campbell.

-First major non-training camp injury is in! Buffalo kick return ace and receiving back Nyheim Hines suffered a season–ending ACL tear…on a jet-ski. A stationary jet-ski at that- apparently someone on another jet-ski rammed him? It’s a shame, but this will no doubt provide an interesting contracts-law final question: Section 3 of the NFL’s standard player contract (may be outdated, but bite me) stipulates, in part, that a “player will not engage in … any activity other than football which may involve a significant risk of personal injury. … Player therefore agrees that club will have the right … to enjoin the player from engaging in any activity other than football which may involve a significant risk of injury.” Assuming the contract does enjoin Hines from such activities (commonly including motorcycling, riding ATVs, jet-skiing, etc.), does his sitting on a motionless jet-ski qualify as “engaging in” such an activity? Feel ree to discuss in the comments

-Another week, another NFL player suspended for gambling on NFL games. Broncos defensive end Eyioma Uwazurike has been suspended indefinitely for violating the NFL’s policy on gambling. A 2022 fourth-round draft pick, he was busted for betting on unidentified NFL games as a rookie. Dude had roughly $3 million left on a $4.4 million dollar deal. Bag fumble indeed.

NON NFL RAMBLINGS:

ISSUE THE FOURTH: Stuff That We Forgot About

1. Dre

2. Sudden Death, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme:

3. Crystal Pepsi

4. Galactica 1980

5. The lessons of our forefathers, dooming us to forever repeat their mistakes and sufferings until the Sun swells and envelops us all in its fiery embrace.