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Mediocrity Saturday (Except Out West) – Early JV Thread

King Hippo

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You’d think we’d get a better schedule from the universe, with no morning Lesser Footy to enjoy.  But noooooo, the universe say fuck all y’all, yew git what yew git.

Georgia (-31.5) at Vanderbilt (Noon, CBS)

Golly gee, sure glad Vandy has home field.  Imagine how bad they’d get pistol-whipped Between the Hedges.

Arkansas (+20.5) at Alabama (Noon, ESPN)

From the frying pan to the Roll Damn Fahr for Pig Sooey.  Of course, now that the Great Hivemind sort of believes in ‘Bama again, watch them trip over their dicks here.  Not lose, mind.  But make things almost interesting.

Iowa State (+5) at Cincinnati (Noon, FS1)

Look, I know this is a shit game.  YOU know it’s a shit game.  THE PARTICIPANTS know it’s a shit game.  But I had to find something, anything that has a reasonable shot to be competitive.

Oregon (+3) at Washington (3:30, ABC)

Thank you, Zombie PAC-12.  Something to really, truly look forward to.  Ah hear tell that NFL scouting types are buying more Bo Nix stock, but Hippo says Gimme Penix All Day Long!

Texas A&M (+3) at Tennessee (3:30, CBS)

Nobody really has any idea how good the Vols are.  But everybody has seen just how “same old, same old” Bonfire Cult remains.

Iowa (+10) at Wisconsin (4:00, Fox)

It’s been this way seemingly forever, but this is the last iteration of this matchup being “For the right to get shit pushed in by the Michigan/tOSU winner.”  Pour old an 8-ball for these husky warriors of the shitty division.

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clint greasewood

Just noticed Penix Jr. is a Lefty

0
LemonJello

Illini eating crabcakes and turtle soup tonight!

0
King Hippo

Penix shooting blanks

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Fuck me:

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1
Mr. Ayo

Paging Buddy!

1
scotchnaut

“Fuck me, fuck you. Fuck us together…naturally.”

-Lyrics courtesy of a Lionel Richie/John Holmes Joint

2
bk109

I don’t know, I was more in the mood for some Geto Boys instead (adapted lyrics, ofc, since I’m waaaay on the wrong side of the Pantone chart for N-word privileges 😀
Personnel be all up in my mug
But it’s a different story when them muthafuckas coughing up blood
When he died, looking in his eyes, was he as he cried
I bust another cap in his ass and he died, time is 5

0
LemonJello

Even Marines stuck at 29 Palms think NTC is a shitty post.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

The only thing I can think of that makes Irwin better than a post in Afghanistan or Iraq is the fact that you won’t find as many people actively trying to kill you

2
bk109

Given that the 11th Cavalry (and the NTC in general) are meant to kill you enough times for you to git gud, people actually posted there probably aren’t the most beloved in the US Army. For me, the only positive is that those lads are rumoured to have the largest collection of war materiel from potential adversaries and that’s excluding the vismod stuff, that’s … kinda silly, tbh, since I doubt they bother to fully approximate the simulated vehicles’ actual performance characteristics.
At any rate, I ain’t going so it’s either return to Europe (an’ no touchy-touchy of my vacay, or I WILL SLAY A BISH) or “it’s been real, but since I lost faith in the competence and motives of my chain of command, I can no longer perform the duties….” 😉

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hello, NFL Store? Yes, I was wondering…do you print custom jerseys? Oh, wonderful, wonderful. I’d like a Green Bay Packers home jersey with the number 4 and the name ‘Penix Jr.’. Thank you so much!”

4
King Hippo

Somebody on Draft Day will have to trademar #PoweredByPenix

0
scotchnaut

I JUST CAN’T ALERT: Failed human/somewhat successful college coach Urban Meyer getting paid in real actual dollars to gurgitate platitudes about the team that he thinks might win during this dreary halftime show.

3
LemonJello

If Illinois/Maryland comes down to a tie, the head coaches face off mid field for a sumo wrestling match.

1
WCS

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(L) Former Toledo Rockets HC Tom Amstultz
(R) Former Kansas Jayhawks HC Mark Mangino

These two played each other in 2006, and I’m done making fun of Andy Reid.

4
Mr. Ayo

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Brick Meathook

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2
WCS

JV Tits 4th and 23?

JV BFL BLITZ

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LemonJello

“JV Tits? What channel is that on?”

-M. Gaetz, looking up from his autographed copy of Mein Kampf

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Erin Go Bragh more like Erin Go Home amirite?

1
scotchnaut

So weird that Wisconsin could find a bunch of fat guys to play on the o-line!

0
TheRevanchist

Since Iowa had 2 good completions in a row, you know that someone had to get hurt. The universe must keep the cosmic balance.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Well, I’m going to be doing laundry anyway, so I might as well wash literally every single piece of fabric we currently own.” – the Dr. Mrs. Deadly’s internal monologue, apparently

3
Mr. Ayo

PENIX > NIX

0
scotchnaut

PENIX> NIX> NIKKI SIXX

1
TheRevanchist

NIX PENIX LORENA BOBBIT

1
Brick Meathook

Are you people watching football or at brunch? Go to the omelette bar and ask for one with everything. When the mimosa tray comes around take four of them. Smile pleasantly.

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Horatio Cornblower

Michael Caine has retired from acting, and this is the correct choice for his best role/movie.

https://twitter.com/DannyDrinksWine/status/1713237458236612883

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Horatio Cornblower

It may very well be Connery’s best role as well. It’s a good movie, is I guess what I’m saying.

2
Brick Meathook

Correct on both counts.

2
King Hippo

He was pretty good as that ether-huffing abortionist!

1
yeah right

Also good as the stoner in Children of Men.

0
yeah right

That is an excellent call. I love that movie.

1
yeah right

Sleuth was also fantastic.
Just him and Olivier.

0
bk109

Here’s a less well known one (outside of the British isles at least), but no Christmas is complete without “Escape to victory” with him in the lead role. And no, no idea why, but just like Die Hard (which at least is connected to the holiday) it just fits with a nice night in with the family

Honourable mentions (as if he’s not great in basically every movie I’ve seen with him in any role) – Battle of Britain and A Bridge Too Far

2
yeah right

Get Carter was solid as well.

2
Horatio Cornblower

A Bridge Too Far is fantastic, but it’s such an ensemble movie. No one really stars in it, and the casting budget still must have been astronomical. I mean, fuck’s sake, Jimmy Caan, has a role that takes may 7 minutes total and it’s awesome.

1
bk109

Oh, yeah, I know it’s an ensemble movie (hence I only giving it a honorable mention), but for some reason when I think of that movie, the three actors that always first spring to mind are Mr Caine, Anthony Hopkins and Gene Hackman.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

For some reason, in the US this was shortened to Victory. Still a great movie and I completely agree on the Christmas aspect.

1
Senor Weaselo

Take the fajjer away! Dutch hater!

0
yeah right

and now I’m renting this and watching.

1
Brick Meathook

On September 30, regular gasoline was $5.69/gal at my local Costco.

Today, it is $4.69/gal and, according to the WSJ, headed lower, despite rising crude oil prices and turmoil in the Middle East.

I don’t understand why, but whatever they’re doing out there, keep it up.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Just paid $3.49 here in CT.

0
Brick Meathook

Yes, but have cows in your driveway.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Tough, but fair.

1
Mr. Ayo

Still 5.65 here for regular. 5.95 for proper gas. But at least it’s 92 octane and not your crappy 91.

1
Brick Meathook

87 octane is proper, manly motor fuel.

89 and above is only good for huffing, depending on your budget.

1
Brick Meathook

There’s a great local dive bar in Playa del Rey that is a Florida State bar. They come from all over the southland and God help you if you’re accidentally in there – you’ll get the hell out but quick.

Nice people really, they’re just too fucking enthusiastic for a stupid reason, and they are constantly cheerleading each other in group chants and Indian calls. I can only imagine what a hell-hole that is right. now.

To DFO SoCal folks: It’s Prince O’Whales, not Mo’s, (damn straight it ain’t The Harbor Room). You’ve been warned.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I put some tomatoes and chard in my omelette and took a vitamin, so I think I’m all set for vegetables for the day.

1
LemonJello

“Was it a Flintstone? Those are my favorites!”

-Eli,of course

3
Brick Meathook

When I was a really little kid I ate a whole bottle of Flinstones vitamins. I ODed on ascorbic acid and peed fluorescent orange.

1
yeah right

My parents said I ate an entire bottle of St. Joseph’s children aspirin when I was a kid and they took me to the hospital.

1
Brick Meathook

Aspirin is a different story

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2Pack

Florida State is just marching around as they please.

0
Redshirt

The JV Bungles are just like the Solar Eclipse over Cincinnati: they are only putting in about 40% effort.

3
scotchnaut

“It’s a Partial Eclipse of the Heart.”

-Bonny Tyler Jr, riding on coattails

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

a partial eclipse of the heart is what happened to damar hamlin ppl forget that

1
Dunstan

“If he’d taken the booster shot too it would have been total.” — Aaron Rodgers

1
King Hippo

Hippo fixes UFC – when the fighters step into the octagon? BOOM – shape-shifts into a fucking rhombus.

0
Redshirt

אתה לא מתעסק עם ישראל.
أنت لا تعبث مع جدك.
And you certainly don’t mess with an Isreali grandfather!

Retired Israeli general who rescued his family under siege from Hamas is being compared on social media to Liam Neeson’s character in ‘Taken’ (msn.com)

4
King Hippo

Grandson Noodles is mad at me. Won’t even acknowledge when I speak to him.

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scotchnaut

You know what you did.

1
Brick Meathook

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bk109

Change your WiFi password. You’ll become his closest friend again 😉

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Mr. Ayo

Cats are assholes.

1
King Hippo

Because humans are too stupid to accept their training, without question or complaint.

0
Redshirt

Yankees’ president criticizes Rays, Marlins for revenue-sharing dependency: ‘Take some responsibility’ – CBSSports.com

Reason 5,704 why I quit following baseball: Rich teams complaining about sharing half their revenue with poor teams.

2
King Hippo

You’d think more self-aware people would notice how successful NFL-style socialism has been, in terms of ruling the sportsball/TV worlds.

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Redshirt

What sad is they are setup to be way more profitable than football. An MLB team can make the same gate revenue with an average of a half-full stadium that an NFL game can make selling out every game.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Randy Levine is an asshole who adds nothing to the organization at all. if they’re serious about improving, (they aren’t), they’ll fire his corpulent ass into the Sun.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there anything worse than swiping at a fly and closing your hand, then opening it again because you think you missed, but you didn’t, and the fly flies off unharmed? Well, yes, there are many things that are far worse. But it still sucks.

1
bk109

Is there anything worse than swiping at a fly and closing your hand, then opening it again because you think you missed, but you didn’t, and the fly flies off unharmed?

… Yes, for example you open your hand and discover that you didn’t miss.. and that it wasn’t a fly, but a stinkbug 😛

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King Hippo

Not many goddamned things worse. FUCKING FLIES, man.

Grandson Bronco killed one the other day, and I was super proud.

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scotchnaut

Speaking of Hippo’s byline, the mighty Sens are up 1-0 on the booger-eating Flyers.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

¡DAGA!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

(that’s español for “dagger”)

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scotchnaut

“Sounds like a nasty word for an Italian-which I heartily endorse, btw.”

-B. Parcells

2
bk109

“Mmmm, latin feetsies”
-R. Ryan

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You can’t say that word, only we can say that word.” – Steve Bisciotti

“…” – Tony’s Sparano’s football, agreeing wholeheartedly

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Don T

🤣
Not for my friend when he said back in the late 00s ‘”Mami está triste esta Navidad. Se dejó del novio y no tiene quien le dé daga”.
Most memorable smoking break in my life. 😅
/ninja smoke bomb

4
Brick Meathook

Google Translate:

“Mommy is sad this Christmas. He left the boyfriend and has no one to give him a dagger.”

Uh, we’re, still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Penis is the word you’re looking for

0
King Hippo

Punting on 4th and 1 is NOT how one beats Roll Damn Tide, PAAAAWWWWWLLLLLL

1
scotchnaut

Daboll was yakking about using the basketball mindset of maximizing point opportunities and how it’s bleeding into football. He was able to do it last year when he caught folks by surprise and had a functional o-line. Not so much this year…

0
scotchnaut

“HEY!”

-Skull Fractured Kid

2
King Hippo

pffffftttt, I broke MY skull as a teenager (or maybe around 20), and Hippo turned out JUST FINE THANK YEW VERY MUCH

0
scotchnaut

[waits for story…]

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King Hippo

I was catching warmup pitches from our hardest throwing pitcher (I coached my little brother’s team, with my Dad when he wasn’t stuck at work). Without a helmet/facemask, of course. Two pitches before the break, I noticed “gee, the sun is getting low, if he throws one high I won’t be able to see it.”

That’s…the last thing I remember before waking up in a Charlotte hospital.

I kind of had to learn how to say certain words again (scary as fuck at first), but it all came back pretty quickly. I never caught again, but I DID throw batting practice a week later. Thought it was important to show all the kids that I was ok, and not mentally scarred. It was hard not to flinch on contact, but I hate showing emotion in public (so I kept poker faced).

4
scotchnaut

i hope you ended up suing Lady Gaga.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is one hell of a rugby game. Argentina just took back the lead with 10 minutes left to play.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I found out a few days ago that my neighbour is playing rugby with her daughter in a full contact* league. Very cool. They have a game today and hopefully don’t get hurt and do well. I’ve already asked her to explain the rules to me as there’s somethings I don’t understand

*Not sure how you would do rugby without contact as I don’t know enough about it.

1
scotchnaut

Flag rugby?

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Two hand touch?

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We used to play touch rugby when I lived in Johannesburg. It’s pretty lame. It’s a step down from two-hand-touch football.

I’ve never seen anyone play flag rugby. I’ve given it some thought and never came up with a good way to make it work.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
0
bk109

By the way, “good news” (at least according to one really dumb motherfucker at the embassy) – I’m getting promoted to a bird colonel (this is when my BS meter detonated with a 10-15kt yield), being seconded to the US army (not fucking happening) and informed that I may be TDY’d to Fort Irwin. Ah, and that the leave I’ve put in, because Tahiti has to be postponed until further notice.

2
bk109

edit: Ah, and that the leave I’ve put in because of Tahiti has to be postponed until further notice.

Srly, Y U NO EDIT, WP?! Y?!

0
2Pack

Irwin… What is Polk all filled up…

1
bk109

You mean Johnson? Not sure, but at any rate the idea was for some of us analysts to actually talk to the lads from the Blackhorse, since even the higher ups started noticing that most assumptions on how things are supposed to be done are not only outdated, but actively hazardous to “our side”.

1
2Pack

I had a close buddy at Bragg, or whatever the fuck we’re calling it this year, who went out to Irwin. I never heard from him again. Like he fell off the planet.

1
bk109

That’s the consensus from a couple of people I’ve asked, including one that said that he’d rather go to Alert again than Irwin which raised one veeeeery important question – whose daughter (or son, it’s the 21st century after all) did he fuck to get sent on exchange to get to the icy moon of Hoth 😀

1
2Pack

Well it’s a dry heat I heard. Stay hydrated.

2
bk109

It’s irrelevant heat as I refused to sign my orders (since I’m still technically here just temporarily, I have to sign off that I’ve been informed that I’m being extended and that I’ve accepted my orders. See, sometimes bureaucratic bullshit is one’s friend) and put in the paperwork for me resigning my commission effective immediately. I’ve been asked to wait until end of the workday on Monday to “find another solution”, but after that I’m fuckin’ off.

1
Brick Meathook

pretty amazing

2
2Pack

It’s good to have worked our ways into that position. Secure enough to just pack it in and go fishing if they provoke us. Nothing beats this feeling after all the years of toil and sacrifice.

2
bk109

That’s was the point of me going full steam* basically since I was in junior high – to be able to afford to have morals and to be able to refuse to be screwed over, which is a luxury my parents didn’t get to have (having a kid in a post-communist cleptocracy does that to people that didn’t get lucky to be closely related to bureaucrats, cops or customs officers).

*full as in working 6-8 hours when at school, 12+ in college .. which may kinda explain in part my insane caffeine intake love for coffee. On the plus side, unlike my peers (especially those in the US.. thank fuck for the Irish educational system!) I didn’t get saddled with crippling debts (to go with my diploma, that I basically never needed, lol)

1
Brick Meathook

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bk109

… wrong rank (three stars is colonel), wrong army (not Russian, lol) and from what I’ve observed, I need to get an extensive lobotomy training to do the job 🙂

1
Horatio Cornblower

I enjoy international soccer tournaments like the World Cup or the Euros almost as much as I hate the international breaks that make them possible.

3
King Hippo

absofuckinglutely. You ever try to watch these endless qualifiers? Like flies fucking, or even GOLF. Even GAMBLOR doesn’t make them interesting.

1
Redshirt

On that’s right, today’s the day of the annular solar eclipse. That should be fun.

1
WCS

Meanwhile, in Yinzburgh…

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5
Redshirt

At least you get rain. Cincinnati is overcast and gloomy as hell.

1
Gumbygirl

It’s pretty cool. Right now, it’s about 50% covered. We’re supposed to hit our peak in about 20 minutes.[PHRASING] We won’t get the ring of fire here, but it’s still a spectacle. I almost gave up on finding my viewer thingies yesterday, but I finally found them in a drawer.

3
King Hippo

I am absolutely terrified of ANYTHING that could remotely impact my eyesight. No eclipses for Hippo, EVAR.

0
Redshirt

Get Eclipse Glasses. It protects your eyes and you can see the sun directly.

0
bk109

… you realize that staring at the screen of the device you’re chatting with us is doing more to fuck up your eyesight than looking at the eclipse using protective glasses / welding goggles / a good DSLR with proper filtering on a star-tracking mount, right?

1
2Pack

Our annual “1492” fest they call it was last weekend. QC is slipping this year the younger ladies in period dress had phones out. That was a no no years ago when my daughters participated.

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WCS

Marie Antoinette is an OG influencer.

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6
2Pack

She got sum junk in the trunk.

1
WCS

She did lose some weight up top.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Probably not a lot of call for ‘Indigenous People’s Day’ over there.

3
2Pack

The fest is not tied to Columbus. Coincidentally 1492 is when the city was founded.

3
Redshirt

If you can’t live without your phone for one parade route, seek help.

4
Doktor Zymm

Rugby quarterfinals starting in 15 minutes!

1
King Hippo

which sqaudron has the best Rugby Ass?

1
Doktor Zymm

I’m going to a Renaissance Festival today after my riding lesson because I am super cool like that! Gonna eat some fried stuff on a stick probably!

8
2Pack

Score some grain and fruit. Bake a tort and impress Yeah Right.

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blaxabbath

How does that Jacob’s ladder work? Zymm should understand.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…Gonna eat some fried stuff on a stick probably!

– Coach Reid, who will be attending a funeral service

1
scotchnaut

College football needs a 10am EST game. Why?

-because I’m bored
-so college kids can learn how to drink in the morning
-to fill the void when the EPL isn’t on

Where’s the downside to this?

5
WCS

It’s not like those college kids slept last night, anyway.

2
BugEyedBoo

I think the 12:00 kickoff takes care of the morning drinking.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They should have London games.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Brings me fond memories of shower beer before hopping on buses and going to New Haven for the Yale-UConn football game.

It wasn’t until law school that I realized where the stadium was.

1
WCS

Everything word in this should be punished with the severe beating it deserves.

1
Horatio Cornblower

You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yalie.

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Last edited 2 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
1
WCS

Maybe it will work?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, I would be very much amused to see Fat Carr.

3
blaxabbath

I want a Saints #4 Vinegar jersey.

2
WCS

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I knew that wouldn’t work. Too bad.

Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wow, just read about the buffs – tree game last night. Excuse me while I compose a long text message to someone I know was in attendance.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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scotchnaut

/found a funny

But what if your baby likes being alone in a hot car?

8
Brick Meathook

that’s rocking!

4
Don T

Good morning, peeps. I saw “Renfield” last night (good!), and OH MY GAWD AWKWAFINA 😍😍😍😍
So my current sloth project is going through the whole run of TV’s “Nora from Queens”, which is rrrrrllly funny and good. Running asessment: Awkwa’s cop character in Renfield is a stand-alone crush, while TV’s Nora elicits only paternal affection.
Well, off to work until Mandatory tomarrah. Billing OR ELSE mode activated until DFOCon.

https://youtu.be/jcowcEYZv_c?si=WmKWlfRPF2yLI5Rp

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A friend of mine filmed that Super Bowl ad with her (the one with all the goats). Unfortunately, his bit got cut. I can’t even imagine what that would feel like. I suppose it would feel like being a healthy scratch on a Super Bowl team.

0
WCS

Still get a ring.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Sorry about your goat.

1
blaxabbath

I’m in Cherry Hill, NJ requesting breakfast restaurant suggestions.

Pancakes or waffles is the likely order….

2
bk109

A proper pot of coffee* and eggs Benedict

*you’ll know if it’s proper by pouring a spoonful on the ground – if it melts through at least 2 inches, it’s good.

3
blaxabbath

It’s PSL season, sir.

0
bk109

…PSL? I’m not sure what’s cricket got to do with your breakfast?

0
blaxabbath

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1
BugEyedBoo

.

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6
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

50g of sugar is not actually “toxic”. Such casual hyperbole is going to cause all those Mr. Yuck stickers in the Manning household to lose all meaning.

3
bk109

lol, there’s more sugar in a single MRE’s dessert (I’m using a Hooah! bar as the baseline) and a good an’ happy grunt supposed to do 3 full MREs a day in the field. And that’s excluding the other shit with sugars in it.. or the actual sugar packet for the coffee (the non-sugar sweetener’s a war crime btw)

0
Doktor Zymm

I hate Food Babe, such a load of pseudo-scientific bollocks

2
Horatio Cornblower

I have no idea who they are, but if they even think about doing one of those on my beloved peppermint hot chocolates, (why yes, I am a fancy lad), I shall unleash Hell.

0
Redshirt

I’ve never gone to Starbucks. Because their menu is so confusing, I wouldn’t know what the hell I’m actually ordering.

0
King Hippo

Black coffee, two packs of honey or agave. Done and dusted.

I don’t seek it out, but occasionally as part of a family group I end up there and can make do.

0
bk109

Ah, that explains it. I don’t think I’ve been to a Starbucks since I was a first year in uni and since the quality of the coffee sure as fuck didn’t warrant the pricetag, I never went back.

As for whomever suggested a goddamn drip machine? Once you go bean to cup, you never EVER go back. Especially if you get yourself (eventually) a multi-bean, multi-type coffee machine that can be connected to the water main and spring for the model with the cream and milk containers and self-cleaning … you’ll be in caffeine heaven 🙂

1
2Pack

I read this last year and followed up on its advice. TP was on it. I did not buy a Bunn professional machine, but using Maxwell House in the proper measure in a good 12 cup drip maker, is just fine. Nature’s best performance enhancer.

Fuck lost the article link… I’ll be right back.

1
Brick Meathook

Folger’s instant coffee for the win.

1
2Pack

That is my quick on the run option.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

There’s a diner there (or used to be) that was quite good. Lmk see if I can find it.

1
blaxabbath

Yeah this place is weird.

1
bk109

There’s also proper JV international trophy qualification footy (Euro 2024 and other shite).
*cries into his pot of coffee*

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