FISH SPA! Tuesday Open Thread

Hi kids! Back from DFOCon 2023, and boy is my liver tired. We laughed, we cried, we watched one of our own basically have kittens during Eagles-Cowboys. It was glorious.

Tough week out there for many in the pretender/contender category, with teams like the Bills, Dolphins, Seahawks and Cowboys all undermining prior good showings with signature mid-tier failures.

Of course, it was an even worse week for many confirmed sewer-dwellers. The Giants went into the home of a team in complete disarray- new GM, new interim coach, new offensive coordinator and rookie QB Aidan O’Connell (who I am assured is not early 90s nerd-girl-heartthrob Aidan Quinn).

And the Giants managed to do the near-impossible: make those Raiders look like an honest-to-God NFL franchise. In doing so, they also broke newly-returned Franchise Cornerstone Daniel Jones, who tore his ACL in less than a quarter of play.

In a perverse way, it may be good timing for Jones (presuming he was going to be killed at some point this season). The backdrop is that the four-year, $160 million contract he signed before this season has an escape clause: if the Giants want to dump him after next season, they can get away with a $22 million dead cap hit. This season has to have the Giants reaching toward that ejection handle- two touchdowns, six INTs and no signs of hope.

So the good news for Jones (and those of us who enjoy watching the Giants suffer): he should be back sometime in the early part of next season. Just enough time for him to have a great season (by Daniel Jones standards) a la 2022 and convince them to keep him on. Then he can revert to the guy we know, collect his enormous paycheck and get Daboll and Schoen fired. Easy peasy.

-I do need to revist my comments from last week re: the Bears, as they have signed newly-acquired DE Montez Sweat to a 4 year, $98 million extension, with roughly 65% guaranteed. That moves the deal that brought him over (high second round pick) from “inexplicable” to merely “incredibly high risk”.

Sweat is good, but he’s going to have to ball all the way out to earn his Khalil Mack money (who is the same age). Can he do that when he is the only Guy on the Chicago line? Is he worth it, when he, safety Eddie Jackson and linebacker Tremaine Edmunds will collectively take up 26% of the Bears’ salary cap next season? Will this force the Bears’ hand in terms of committing to (or declining) Justin Fields?

-Speaking of quarterbacks who can’t read a defense, former #2 overall pick and franchise savior Carson Wentz has signed with the Los Angeles Rams of Inglewood to back up Matthew Stafford. In fairness to Wentz, it’s not clear if he can read anything at all.

-Los Panteros have signed notorious PokéCriminal Blake Martinez to their practice squad. Martinez “retired” last November to focus on his Pokémon card trading business. However, he was banned from his primary trading platform for scamming in August, so I guess he needed to put his braincells back on the chopping block. No sympathy though: Pokémon teaches children the joys of gladiatorial slavery.

-AJ Brown seems to be a flat-earther, in addition to Asking Questions about the moon landings. H/t to Litre for this important information.

-A.A. Ron Rodgers is telling people he could  be back in the Jets lineup in “a few fortnights.” He then adjusted his waistcoat, mounted his pennyfarthing and pedaled off in search of “a hogshead of finest tincture of laudanum.”  Reached for comment, Arizona quarterback Kyler Murray responded that Fortnite was cool and all, but he is waiting for the new Call of Duty to drop on Friday.