Ballsy’s Mock Draft for 2024

Do not worry. I am not treading on Horatio’s turf. I do enough of that with my AVN Awards prediction post.

You will get no insights into which player each team is picking beyond me telling you that the Commanders are getting yet another disappointing USC QB and the Steelers will take a lineman with their first pick.

Instead, I am harkening back to my senior in high school days when we did a “Senior Will” where we left things to people and spoke about what we wanted for them. In that spirit, consider this my hopes and wishes for each team.

Does everyone get the concept that’s gonna get it? Good, let’s begin.

Chicago (from Carolina)

To the Bears, I wish for them to have the ability to flick that magic bean they are so proud of. Also, I wish someone would talk them out of moving the team out of Soldier Field.

Washington

To the Commanders, I want them to go back to the Washington Football Team name. Even better, they should become Washington DC FC. You’re welcome.

New England Patriots

Before I do this, can we all just reflect on the fact that the Pats are picking this low? Maybe the 80s are coming back? What should come back is their old logo. Permanently. Nothing like a Patriot bending over to get the fans going!

Arizona Cardinals

Bidwill’s sexuality aside, this team needs to relocate back to St. Louis. That way Hippo will start calling them the BFIF. Seriously, though, Phoenix is a college town and always will be.

Los Angeles Chargers

I wish the Chargers would just disappear. They’re the annoying cock-blocking ugly friends of the hot chick at the bar. Correct that, it’s the Rams. Call it the medium chick that’s turned into the hot chick at 2 AM.

New York Giants

I wish the Giants would find another QB like Eli. I don’t think Eli gets as much credit as he should. Not only is he the likable Manning brother, not only did he beat Brady TWICE, but he’s goofy and adorable.

Tennessee Titans

Don T’s Magnificent Tits need to do the right thing and give the Houston franchise the rights to the Oilers trademarks. In return, they can be the Tennessee Texans and have the distinction of representing two states.

Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons need for us all to get a collective lobotomy so that no one remembers 28-3. From that moment on, that franchise has never been the same. The only thing they have going for them is that their stadium’s roof looks like a butthole.

Chicago Bears

See above.

New York Jets

The Jets are only good when their QBs do questionable sexual things. Aaron Rodgers, if he is healthy, needs to start banging every socialite in the greater New York area Joe Namath style. Only then can they get back to the playoffs.

Minnesota Vikings

This franchise has become soft. They need to go back to an outdoor stadium and create a true home field advantage. I mean, if Buffalo can do it, why not Minnesota?

Denver Broncos

Have they gotten rid of Russell Wilson yet? I forget. My sources (Google) tell me that he is still on the team as of this writing. Fix that. Pronto.

Las Vegas Raiders

Can you imagine how great it would have been if Kenny Stabler was QB for the Las Vegas Raiders?? Jesus, the stories! I wish for the Raiders to get a QB like Kenny just for the stories alone.

New Orleans Saints

I wish the Saints would embrace their heritage and contract with a Voodoo Priestess to get them back into the playoffs. Hell, it’s worked for Mike Tomlin.

Indianapolis Colts

I wish the Colts would sign Joe Flacco and fulfill their destiny. If there ever was a more warm milk with unbuttered toast franchise, I can’t think of one.

Seattle Seahawks

I would love for the Seahawks to go back to the AFC and regularly play the Broncos, Raiders, and Chiefs, as God intended. Turn the Chargers into LA FC and have them play in LA FC’s soccer stadium.

Jacksonville Jaguars

I wish the Jaguars would lean into their strengths and hire strippers to populate the famous swimming pool and force the cameramen to show shots of the pool at every commercial break. The cost of extra chlorine would be worth it.

Cincinnati Bengals

I wish the Bengals would stop being The Bungles one fucking time and get their shit together. Alas, I fear they are like the scorpion in the frog story. It’s their nature.

Los Angeles Rams

The Rams need to put out a calendar Shoresy-style with the players with their tarps off and all greased up. Then do the same thing with their cheerleaders. That way you capture all markets.

Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers need to give the Voodoo Priestess a bonus for last year’s performance. That team had no business being in the playoffs and yet you saw what happened. Also, DRAFT LINEMEN!

Miami Dolphins

Mike McDaniel needs to start wearing Docksiders with no socks, pastel colours, and sunglasses in the sidelines. Maybe sprinkle some flour onto his mustache for funsies. I mean, if you’re not going to be a tough team, you might as well embrace it.

Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles need to figure out a way to get Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenny to become part owners. Then, they can create a series with the IASIP crew about the Eagles’ seasons. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

Houston Texans (from Cleveland)

The Texans need to COMMIT to the Texans nickname and go hardcore Texan. First, start talking about seceding from the AFC South. Start talk of an all-Texas division with the Cowboys, Houston Oilers, and Tennessee Texans. All three teams would get in the playoffs and the winner of the division gets a bye.

Dallas Cowboys

Speaking of the AFC Texas, the Boys need to hire a hooker to give Ye Ole Double J a speedball or something like that so that the curse can be lifted. And I say hooker because obviously they’ll kill her after the deed is done. Not that I endorse that but you know damn well Cowboys fans would not hesitate.

Green Bay Packers

I would like for the Packers to sell “shares” in their team to Russia, China, and North Korea. If that doesn’t bankrupt those countries and take them down, nothing will.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs need to have a rule that any fan that wants to watch a game from the Pirate Ship must dress and talk like a pirate the entire time they are on the ship. Anyone who fails to do so must walk the plank and be dropped into a big foam pool in the parking lot.

Arizona Cardinals (from Houston Texans)

See above.

Buffalo Bills

I wish the Bills would find new and interesting ways to fail in the clutch. I mean, Wide Right is a little cliched, isn’t it? What about a nice Double Doink or It’s Short?

Detroit Lions

I wish someone would teach Dan Campbell some situational awareness and give him some chamomile tea on the sidelines. And some gingko biloba so he remembers not to repeat mistakes.

Baltimore Ravens

I wish for John Harbaugh to talk as much shit as he can at family dinners by comparing his NFL record with Jim’s. I wish he would call Jim every weekend and talk shit about how the Chargers have no fans and the Ravens are continuously good.

San Francisco 49ers

The Niners need to get the fuck out of Santa Clara and move closer to their namesake city. I hear there’s a nice stadium available across the Bay…

Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs need to have Taylor introduce Patrick Mahomes to one of her actress girlfriends, instigating him divorcing his wife, causing a rift within the team, and the long-awaited downfall of this franchise. Andy Reid will then be free to open up a chain of chicken nugget/barbecue restaurants.