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Schadenfreude Footy Nirvana Open Thread

King Hippo

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I just have no idea how anything could be more magical than waking up from Thursday’s nap to Redshite nil – Lesser Falacons 3.  No, I am not taking the return leg for granted.  But HOLY SHIT, is that ever funny.  And Everton won’t even disappoint me until Monday, so here’s to that.

Bonesaws FC welcome the up-and-down Spurs for early morning doings (7:30, USA).  I’m not particularly arsed, but YMMV.

Robins Hood/Wolves is the 10:00 window TV choice (USA), aka the Fairy Tale Derby.  Isn’t that cute?  Praise Beesus also hosts Poor Ded Knifey, along with City of Men skullfucking the Lutes (both on Peacock).

yr’s Cherries get a Spotlight Dance of their own, with Men Untied coming to town (12:30, NBC).  EtH’s bunch continue to make no sense, but Hippo and Other Hippo both very much appreciate their ruining of the Redshite’s hopes and dreams.  

Unai Emery hopefully-not-vengeance is the main menu item for Sunday Funday (11:30, USA), as he leads his Villans into the Etihad.  The King’s Afrikan Water Pistols control their own destiny, and humanity would very much like that to continue.

That’s all I feel like writing today.  Fucking April, y’all.

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Doktor Zymm

It’s nice out in Chicago today and I feel like I should go for a walk, but also I live in California most of the time where it is frequently nice and I have spent time outside in nice weather quite a bit during the past week, so reading in bed with a drink is nawt an awful alternative. I could aquire additional snacks if I went out for a short time, but downside is pants

3
Gumbygirl

I have to go to the store today, and I am very unhappy about the pants thing. I also have to brush my hair. It’s clean, but it’s a total rats nest. Woe is me.

2
Doktor Zymm

Solidarity. I think I will stay in and have a gummy and some fizzy wine in support of your pants and hair requirements.

2
WCS

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Brick Meathook

here’s another outstanding piece of film making.

I was on a submarine, six patrols, back aft with the engines. When the forward guys got in trouble, they would telegraph back to us and ask us to split more atoms for them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqcXmgrctdU

2
Mr. Ayo

Fun fact: This movie almost got me evicted from my apartment

2
Brick Meathook

This is one of the finest pieces of film making ever (the film is Margin Call).

Jeremy Irons, in his only major scene in this film knocks it out of the park.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhy7JUinlu0

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Mr. Ayo

I’ve done that.

As a passenger.

2
Brick Meathook

The best way to enter New York City is on a train.

3
Mr. Ayo

I enjoy the adrenaline rush of a proper yellow cab. Really gets you ready.

1
Brick Meathook

New York is a wonderful city, with so much culture to absorb.

And the mass transportation system is truly a joy to behold.

Also, around Penn Station is where all the hookers are.

I didn’t say that last part out loud, did I?

2
Mr. Ayo

You did. But we all knew that already.

1
Doktor Zymm

Those are just a fraction of the hookers, and never let a pimp near Port Authority try to carry your luggage

2
Brick Meathook

One night back in the late 1980’s, a guy offered to sell me a pistol right in front of Port Authority terminal.

1
Doktor Zymm

Did he tell what crime had been committed with it beforehand or did he assume that you were a sucker?

1
Brick Meathook

I was a young healthy man at the time, and he was probably more scared of me. I didn’t see any ammunition, and the pistol probably didn’t even work. He saved his own life by walking away from me,

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Senor Weaselo

Well, in Manhattan. Apparently now they’re by Roosevelt Ave in Jackson Heights, according to the Times.

1
Doktor Zymm

I’ve done train, car, bus, plane. Really everything other than boat and helicopter.

1
Mr. Ayo

Settle down, Steve Martin

2
scotchnaut

I’d just like to say that if you dress your infant in the mini uniform of your favorite team, you’re a sad sack of shit and no amount of counseling is going to ‘change’ you.

3
Mr. Ayo

Counterpoint:

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WCS

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scotchnaut

C’mon, that was done ironically.

2
ArmedandHammered

You need to differentiate between outfits forced on you by family who then insist on subjecting the poor helpless child to the indignity of helpless acceptance. I must atone to my son for the sins of my father. I mean really, a Tennessee mascot outfit? I have much for which to atone.

1
Brick Meathook

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scotchnaut

Niece Update:

The Team Ontario ski team has extended an invitation to her to train in Chile in August. She’s still on the radar apparently.

13
ArmedandHammered

Awesome! Good to see her injury has not limited her prospects.

3
WCS

Zymm’s chili ice cream fan?

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nice!

2
Brick Meathook

This is a cool story! Keep us updated and good for your niece!

4
2Pack

I’m beat. I over did it again today.

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scotchnaut

I love that joke.

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Senor Weaselo

THESE NEW YORK RANGERS I CALL THEM THE KID PEYTON SENT TO THE PORT-A-POTTY IN THE UNITED WAY COMMERCIAL BECAUSE THEY NEED TO GET THEIR HEADS PUT OF THEIR ASSES.

1
Dunstan

Maybe they should send out their “tough guy” fan favorite who can’t actually fight for shit.

1
Doktor Zymm

Trying the chili crisp on vanilla ice cream thing. It’s okay, weirdly kinda kills the chili crisp flavor

2
WCS

Is this on top of one of the fan blades?

1
ArmedandHammered

Like some sort of home defense system? The spinning fan has chili crisp launchers on the blade to sling chili crisp into the eyes of invaders?

1
Dunstan

Makes sense. Cold kills most flavors — it’s why melted ice cream always tastes sweeter. And why people drink shitty beer ice cold.

2
Doktor Zymm

Being ice cold is the primary purpose of shitty beer, glorious on a hot day

3
yeah right

Had chili crisp on my ramen and shumai dumplings today.

My sinuses are thanking me.

0
Doktor Zymm

Finally finished installing that ceiling fan, and also installed a paper towel holder in the kitchen for good measure. Time to slack off for the rest of the day!

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2Pack

Stow the cordless drill and chillax some. I had the same sort of Joe handyman day. Well done Doctor.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Good work. I bought a bike rack off Craigslist and already managed to break it.

4
Doktor Zymm

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pretty much. It’s not really the bike rack’s fault – it was unprepared for how strangely designed the frame is on the Dr. Mrs.’ beach cruiser. The good news is that it’s fairly easily remedied with zip-ties, of which I have plenty.

0
Brocky

You’re on a roll,

Why tomorrow,

You might even mail a letter!

2
scotchnaut

Look at you, Bourney! (so far)

/Alex Ferguson’s Smirk is a great name for a post-punk band

2
ArmedandHammered

Someone remind me when I am less “intoxicated” that I want to change my avatar to Towlie”. And that is is probably a bad idea.

4
Mr. Ayo

Will do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6dqIYKIBSU

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WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I still need to get high and write the script for “Harold and Kumar F Up the Timeline” where they go back in time somehow and switch Baby Hitler with another infant.

3
ArmedandHammered

MLK Jr?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, just some random Austrian kid in the same maternity ward. Originally Harold was going to kill baby Hitler but Kumar was like “come on, dude, are you really gonna kill a baby? Let’s just switch him with another kid” and then bust Harold’s chops about it for the rest of the film, referring to him by various murderer names.

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King Hippo

At the NIN/David Bowie concert I attended in my youth, Trent did play this absolute banger. What a show that was.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOvX75ck1_E

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King Hippo

I know I played my Pretty Hate Machine CD (YES, I am an old) over and over MOAR times, but after 30 years of simmering…Broken is even better.

2
WCS

I have both those CDs, and Downward Spiral.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You had me at ‘touch children’.” – Brad Childress

1
Mr. Ayo

This is correct and I very much enjoyed Fixed as well

1
Mr. Ayo

Oh shit, having flashbacks to the track 98 and 99 trick on the CD.

1
scotchnaut

I CALL MAN CITY MY CRAZY WAITRESS CO-WORKER AFTER THREE TEQUILAS BECAUSE THEY’RE TOP OF THE TABLE NOW BUT SURE TO FALL VERY SOON.

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ArmedandHammered

Reminds me, Wallax2 has an old timey hole in the wall record store named Hot Poop. Great place, opened in 1971 and it has an awesome vinyl selection.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Normally I’d have the Masters on in the background, but fuck the PGA and their Saudi blood money.

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Senor Weaselo

I would call a 5-1 involving Lutes a dominant victory for City of Men.

/Wait for it…

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King Hippo

took awhile, but they finally remembered Goal Differential could very plausibly be decisive

/and yeah, Martin Prince took a real ass-pounding

1
scotchnaut

Most of just look at wins/losses/draws but Hippo is way out there in 2242, thinking about the future.

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Mr. Ayo

He is truly our Leto II Atreides, except in hippo form. Bow down to our imaginary tyrant and his alter ego, Other Leto II.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[eagerly thrusts his hand in the Bene Gesserit box, thinking there might be pills inside] – Hippo II Atreides

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King Hippo

Future Hippo/Gilkey has indeed won a League crown or two on GD.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Recap of the game (artist’s conception):

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Mr. Ayo

Remember that draft for punchable faces? I’d like to belatedly add Garnacho.

What a douche canoe.

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King Hippo

I mean, seriously. Who cuts that motherfucker’s hair???

2
King Hippo

yeah right’s boner can re-emerge now

3
King Hippo

A message for Erik ten Hag:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v0KCoPMTdU

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, good tune.

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King Hippo

Spoon is an all-time underrated band. The Cracker of the 21st century

1
SonOfSpam

And that’s (MAYBE) their best song

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Mystery Zone for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzwP0d5YcP8

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Brick Meathook

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Directed by David Lean
Director of Photography Freddie Young

If you have never seen this on a big screen, you have never seen a movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aARaYjgm_rA

1
scotchnaut

One of the first movies filmed in Melodramavision, if I recall.

/I kid

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Brick Meathook

.

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Brick Meathook

Rick Nelson (1940-1985) was an outstanding artist. He died in a airplane crash, which if you are a musician might be then best way to go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG6pIbNkQsI

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BeefReeferLives

Word. The man had talent. Damn shame…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsf2OYzPDYA

2
scotchnaut

Further Evidence That There Is Nothing To Do In Ohio: THE Ohio State University’s intra squad game is on Fox and the stands are packed.

5
Horatio Cornblower

Things To Do In Columbus When You’re Dead.

Worst. Sequel. Ever.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s going to take some very clever writing to keep the main character from offing themselves after the first six or seven minutes.

1
BugEyedBoo

The Spring Game generates five days worth of Buckeye news here in Columbus, no lie. It’s fuckin’ pathetic.

2
ArmedandHammered

So the wife is away for this weekend, so I am going to take this time to train for next Saturday 4/20. So after I visit the grocery store, I will be working on becoming as incoherent as possible while still being awake.

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scotchnaut

“That’s MY thing around here!”

-Fozz

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ArmedandHammered

That is bourble, I will be bonged.

5
WCS

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Senor Weaselo

You mean the LSO is there?

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BeefReeferLives

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ArmedandHammered

Back from store, cheers, fritos, apple fritters, cupcakes, frozen shame pizza, and Krispy Kreme minis. I will definitely be living the high life today, and maybe killing my diabetic self. Give glory to insulin, maintainer of living status.

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ArmedandHammered

Cheetos not cheer, I hate cheers.

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Gumbygirl

This is why you’re my favorite, A&H. Don’t tell the others.

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ArmedandHammered

OK *walks off quietly, gleefully murmuring to myself “There can be only one!”

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Brick Meathook

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ballsofsteelandfury

And Wrexham add a SIXTH!

1
Senor Weaselo

The Gang Moves Up Another Tier

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Horatio Cornblower

It’s Always Sunny In Wales.

2
Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

Confession Time. I really, really don’t get the appeal of Radiohead.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Future draft and/or request line topic

1
scotchnaut

I think their best song is Ceremony, a cover of the Joy Division tune. There is no 2nd-best song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cedNya7e8Uc&ab_channel=killerevolver

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’re crazy. “Creep” is a magnificent song, and is easily one of the top 10 singles of the 90’s.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

i mean come on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv_gSmH0Ieg

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scotchnaut

Just because you can relate to the title of a song doesn’t make it great.

/POW! BLAM! GAZPROM!

2
Brick Meathook

the band or the person?

0
WCS

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ballsofsteelandfury

I love EDM as much as the next freak wearing neon and popping Molly but I don’t get Radiohead either.

Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
2
SonOfSpam

Warm take: OK Computer is fantastic, Kid A is bleh.

2
BugEyedBoo

The Bends is a good album. Fake Plastic Trees scratches that Crowded House sappy melody itch.

0
scotchnaut

The Bends made me feel all tingly inside but not in a good way.

0
yeah right

You simply haven’t had the proper psychotropic elements nor a gifted sherpa to guide you through.

0
scotchnaut

Niece Update: She can’t get her swollen ankle into her ski boot so her weekend is done. Poop.

1
Senor Weaselo

Damn, that’s rough.

5
King Hippo

Tell her that your weirdo imaginary friends wish her all the best.

7
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If it makes her feel better we can retroactively dedicate Request Line to her. Though perhaps hearing songs like “Red Right Ankle” will just exacerbate her frustration.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Bummer. At least she came out of it relatively unscathed. She’ll get them next year!

3
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

You should give her your good ankle so she can race

4
Horatio Cornblower

I find it hard to believe you don’t have a spare ankle laying around.

6
scotchnaut

I love her but I didn’t want to pay for shipping.

5
SonOfSpam

Poor kid. Better days ahead!

3
BeefReeferLives

Whelp, time to take her to the chalet bar and start drankin’

2
Gumbygirl

She knows she can compete at a high level now, that’s a really good takeaway. Next year she will crush the competition!

2
Horatio Cornblower

Jesus, it looks like Wrexham are going up to League One. 2 games left and a 7 point lead on the 4th place team. I believe the top 3 go up.

5
Senor Weaselo

I’d say that counts as maximum effort.

5
WCS

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Don T

I just spent two hours working hard on summin’ I had done already last year and forgotten about PLUS it’s completely unbillable and absolutely uncollectable. Saving grace: paid nobody for that mistake. Plus narcotics on hand.

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King Hippo

wipes away tear of pride

2
Gumbygirl

Remember: An exercise in futility is still exercise!

1
ArmedandHammered

And why you should not even try.

1
King Hippo

Pretend Bristol City spent like $350M on transfers in the summer and are nipping at Bernard Gilkey’s heels. But we won the home tie against them, and have extended our Invincible Run in the League to 54 games. As of 6 December 2242, the margin is 6 points.

Pretend Fulham have fallen all the way back to 3rd, FWIW.

3
scotchnaut

Pretending to be full of ham must be a thought crime in the future, no doubt.

-Andy, thinking to himself

4
Horatio Cornblower

As though there will still be a civilization advanced enough to think of entertaining itself by kicking a round object around in 218 years.

4
Senor Weaselo

I’m surprised a United supporter hasn’t thought of taking his head, and with it his power.

Surely footy expertise is due to his Quickening, right?

2
litre_cola

Walking litre_pug and ran into this young un and its momma. Oh Canada indeed! City Moose.
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Horatio Cornblower

I remember backpacking in Baxter State Park years ago. We’d been warned that mother moose are extremely dangerous when with their young ones.

Standing on a rock overlooking a pond at sunset, loud rustling in bushes behind me, yearling moose steps out 20′, followed by louder rustling followed by Mom.

She gave me a look of utter disdain and they kept on walking into the shallows of the pond, grazing away without a care in the world.

3
scotchnaut

I’m sure I’ve told this before but a runaway moose shut down downtown Timmins when I was selling up there in the late ’90’s.

4
Dunstan

I saw Runaway Moose open for Doug and the Slugs back in the 80s.

7
scotchnaut

“Springtime Is For Rutting” is a great dance tune.

3
Cecil Rhodes

My word — look at those Geordies! I haven’t seen an Arab-led massacre like that since Prince Faisal and his supporters overran Aqaba in 1917 (which they couldn’t have done without the help of a certain British officer!). It seems that it is destined to be a day of bloodshed, as City’s approach to Luton here in a few moments will likely make Joseph Stalin look like Mother Theresa. Let’s hope that the Lutes are able to die with dignity!

7
Senor Weaselo

“I… I don’t want to die…”
/Let’s see who gets the reference!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Derek Carr, begging some random guy who he thinks is the Vampire Lestat to turn him

1
WCS

“That’s too deep even for me.”

— Hunter R., NV

0
ArmedandHammered

“I did not sign up to DM a Masquerade role play. Totally different rule set.” – Hunter R., after being asked more questions.

1
Brick Meathook

I met Hippo once (twice?) at two pubs in Baltimore MD, and I know he is a good guy, considering he is an attorney from the greater North Carolina area. I was a VFX artist from Southern California so I have no idea what he thought of me. He never said a word. But I do know that he loves cats.

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King Hippo

Brick tells a good story, and slays at Cards Against Humanity. He is MOAR soft-spoken than one might expect, although that could just be the opiates.

4
Brick Meathook

I’m just faking it, Hippo.

Every person from this site who I have met are awesome a lot better than I thought they would be.

2
King Hippo

The key is how LOW we set that bar!

1
Brick Meathook

Hey Hippo, I just booked a room for the two of us in Vegas.

I have no idea what we’ll do but I’m looking forward to it.

I do request one thing: Navy rules, which means the bathroom (also known as “the head”) better be just as clean when you exit it as it was when you entered it.

Thank you sir.

1
King Hippo

Cocaine. Opium. WHORES.

2
Brick Meathook

I’ll take the cocaine and the opium, Hippo, and as long as the whores are nice to me, I’ll be nice to them. Fair is fair.

1
King Hippo

Well, you have Lana Del Rey FOAR FREE, so the whores can be all mine!

/there will be so much apologizing, it will feel like Canadia almost

2
litre_cola

Head to the bar at the D like we did and it will ba all Canada all the time.

2
Brick Meathook

Hippo, two women I love the most live in North Carolina.

And Hippo, even though I’m straighter than John Wayne voting for for Reagan on a horse, you’re not an entirely unattractive man, at least not for an attorney..

1
scotchnaut

Good god, why don’t you two guys get a roo…

/nvm

4
BeefReeferLives

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King Hippo

I believe this is the kind of result/performance oft given the descriptor “Spursy.”

2
scotchnaut

“Cocaine-it’s like a cup of coffee for your nose!”

-David Cross

8
King Hippo

Good Christ, that is so perfect

1
litre_cola

Oh Spurs, this was nawt a good 5 mins for ye.

1
litre_cola

Decilitre decided 420 was an appropriate time to get up this morning. Before any futbol had started. I plan to be drinking most of the day so I decided to take today instead of tomorrow.
Canadian Premier League starts today wooooo litre’s escapism is back!!

5
2Pack

Let’s go!

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litre_cola

First home game is at the end of the month but we play our most hated rival to open the season today in Hamilton.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’ll meet you there

1
2Pack

Napoli and Newcastle both sitting in 8th place this year. Not my year apparently. I’ve got a bidnezz trip down to Rome next month. I’m gonna look up Marika and try to convince her to drown our sorrows together. Wish me luck boys.

3
litre_cola

Just show her your Cavs scarf, she will swoon.

3
2Pack

I trust that lady will know great taste when she sees it.

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