Achieving Transcendent Grace Through Mindless Violence: A Larry King Not Live Tuesday Open Thread

Hello, friends, Larry King here. I know it has been some time since we were on the air; I was otherwise occupied with my new spouse. That’s right; Cupid struck me with his arrow once again, even through the heavy-gauge aluminum sidewalls of my cryogenic storage pod. So I am pleased to introduce lucky Number 8: Lucy Liubot!

Yes, I know, it’s a bit of a turn for me, going Robot after being with human women my whole life. But look how those turned out! It was time for a change. You know the old saying: fool me once, shame on you; fool me eight times and I’m probably a lower-middle class Republican voter.

My thoughts:

-Jacoby Brissett has been annointed the Patriots’ starting quarterback headed into training camp, as he is (in head coach Jerod Mayo’s words) the most “pro ready” quarterback on the roster. I agree, in that he’s started 48 NFL games. You can’t get more “pro ready” than starting the equivalent of three full seasons.

-If that’s the standard, is Bailey Zappe more pro ready than Drake Maye or sixth-rounder Joe Milton III? Maye and Milton haven’t shown they are pro ready, while Zappe has affirmatively demonstrated that he is not.

-Brandon Aiyuk is expected to attend training camp with the 49ers, in spite of his request to be traded. It’s a bold move, like banging your wife after she files for divorce: sure, it’s great to be out there, but the risk of getting your schlong snapped off is severe.

-Can you be negatively pro ready? Pro unready?

-Jets edge rusher Haason Reddick will hold out of training camp until New York gives him a better contract. One caller has asked “Didn’t he just sign with the Jets?” No, he was traded by the Eagles in the final year of his contract with roughly $15.5 million left on it. Is it ridiculous to trade for a guy without knowing he’s likely to hold out, even for a sixth rounder? Yes it is, caller. Yes it is.

-There are lots of things you can eat that aren’t food.

-Tyson Campbell, cornerback for the Jacksonville Jaguars, signed a $76.5 million contract for four years. Roughly $53 million is guaranteed. It’s a lot, but frankly, it’s a good deal- I had to pay seven women millions of dollars to stop playing with me.

-Dick Cavett has the softest lips in Hollywood. Past or present. Sorry, Angelina.

-The Browns have come to terms with disgruntled receiver Amari Cooper, converting adding $5 million to the final year of his contract and making it all guaranteed, for a total of $20 million. Pretty good money in Cleveland, where you can get a 35 ton Free Stamp.

-Bailey Zappe shall henceforth be known as Zæppe the Unready.

-Have you ever watched the first season of this “Westworld” series? Liubot keeps insisting we watch it. Does she want me to get a cowboy hat?

I AM FUCKING INSANE.