Nobody’s Chargers 2024 Season Preview: Payin’ for it

INTERIOR – CHARGERS PRACTICE FACILITY BOARD ROOM, COSTA MESA, CA – MORNING, SEVEN MONTHS AGO

DEAN SPANOS: [On the phone] Look, John, it’s just like my Daddy used to say, “if the city won’t pay, fuck ’em and move!” [Laughs too hard]

[Garbled phone response]

DEAN: Right?! That place is an absolute dump anyway. We played in a soccer stadium for 3 years for Christ’s sakes, how bad can… [silently shivers] …Sacramento be anyway?

[The intercom on his desk buzzes]

DEAN: [Sighing] Alright, I gotta go. Business. Let’s get another round of golf in soon.

[Garbled phone response]

DEAN: Yeah, I don’t care how great the course is there, I told you, they won’t let me back. Have our secretaries work it out, she knows everywhere I’m banned from. Bye. [Hangs up and pushes the intercom button] What is it?

JOHN SPANOS: Hey, yo, Dad! Your 9am is here, like, in real time!

DEAN: John, it’s not “Dad” when we’re at work, remember? It’s “Mr. Spanos.”

JOHN: Whoa! But that’s like, my name too! Anyway, this Sigma guy with all the rizz is coming in, “Mr. S!” [Winks at the intercom without realizing that he can’t be seen]

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

JIM HARBAUGH: [Hand outstretched] Mr. Spanos! It’s great to see you again, sir!

DEAN: [Shaking his hand and smiling] Jim! Welcome! You know, I’m not used to hearing anyone say that ver–

HARBAUGH: [Interrupting] And I really like your glasses! They really make a statement about your commitment to this team!

DEAN: [Beaming] Well, thank you!

HARBAUGH: And you got one hell of a kid out there! He can make anything happen!

[CUT TO JOHN SPANOS ON HIS PHONE]

[CUT BACK]

DEAN: Thanks. I worry about him though. He’s 45 years old and talks like he’s some kid in Middle School. You know, my Daddy used to say that business acumen skips a generation, and I think I’m beginning to understand what he meant.

HARBAUGH: Oh, don’t sweat it! I’ve got 7 kids and they all figured it out! But enough about that, let’s get to business! I know you finally cleaned house on your coaching department. Well, I want it! Specifically, I want to run it!

DEAN: Head coach?! But Jim, why would you want to leave Michigan after winning it all last season?

HARBAUGH: [Thousand yard stare] No particular reason.

DEAN: I see. Well, a man of your pedigree surely won’t come cheap. I had a local college coach in here just last week asking for the same thing, and he was well within my budget..

[CUT TO LAST WEEK]

CHIP KELLY: I’ll do it for free! As long as I get to cut any of the players who I suspect of being “in a gang.”

[CUT BACK]

DEAN: …but there was something about they way he wouldn’t stop talking about ducks that made me think of Norv Turner, and… [Shudders]

HARBAUGH: I’m not going to lie, Michigan is offering me a pretty substantial package to stay. But the difference I can make here with you would be worth more to me than that. And I would be worth every cent because of what I can offer you.

DEAN: And what is that?

HARBAUGH: Branding.

DEAN: Branding? But I already have a whole department, ad agency and team of graphic designers ready to do anything I say!

HARBAUGH: It’s not for the team, Dean. It’s for you.

DEAN: [Getting flustered] For me?! What could I–? What do you–??

HARBAUGH: People fucking hate you, Dean. [Quickly] Not me, of course. But that’s the thing, people like me, because I’m a winner. You can say all kinds of things about me, but I’ve actually gone and won stuff. People fucking hate Stan Kronke–

DEAN: [Through clenched teeth] *I* fucking hate Stan Kronke.

HARBAUGH: But he’s won stuff. [Smiling] Wouldn’t you like to win stuff?

DEAN: [Eyes widen] Yes.

HARBAUGH: Wouldn’t you like to be Stan Kronke?

DEAN: [Tearing up] Yes.

HARBAUGH: So, how would Stan Kronke solve this problem?

DEAN: [Triumphantly] By blindly throwing money at it!

INTERIOR – PRESS CONFERENCE, NEW CHARGERS PRACTICE FACILITY, EL SEGUNDO, CA – MORNING, SEVEN MONTHS LATER, PRESENT DAY

HARBAUGH: …and that’s why I’ve been I can no longer enjoy 5 Triple IPAs at El Segundo Brewing. Alright, before I go, any questions? [Looks around] Yes, you, with the jaundice skin and goatee.

BOLTMAN: [In disguise] JOLT SMAN OF THE LOS ANGELES CRIMES DEMANDS THAT YOU EXPLAIN THE FOLLOWING QUOTATIONS PROVIDED BY YOU AND THE TRAITOR–[catches self]–TALENTED SPANOI CLAN:

• Justin Herbert displays leadership during a stuck elevator
  • “As each person came off the elevator, sweating and some had their shirt off. Justin Herbert, his hair was a little wet. But his shirt was completely dry. That was another thing that blew me away. The guy is just a beast.”
• Joey Bosa drinks his Gatorade like a professional
  • “Dude doesn’t care what flavor you hand him, he’ll drink them all. He even says the red one’s color really reminds him of his ‘Nana’s sauce.’”
• Justin Herbert won’t work out to any music that is the family-friendly “Kidz Bop” version.
  • “I’ve never seen anyone pump that much iron while scream-singing Evanescence’s Bring Me to Life as performed by adults.”
• Dean Spanos receives nice letters from fans
  • “I’m getting emails and texts and cards – and nice ones! I mean, they’re very nice, you know. That’s exciting. I’m really happy for the fans, No. 1.”
• Justin Herbert’s return to practice is heavenly
  • “It felt like music should be playing, I thought I heard music, voices of angels maybe. It felt great.”
• Brenden Rice has the fastest eyes I’ve ever seen
  • “They just dart around at speeds I’ve never witnessed before. And he keeps his head on a swivel. I’d like to see a safety try and sneak up on him. Good luck.”
• Dean Spanos and his family are sincere people
  • “I have a good sense of the sincerity. They’re sincere people. I take them at their word. And everything since has been, like I said, we’re working toward it.”
• Cameron Dicker doesn’t kick anything alive, only balls
  • “Cam has told me numerous times that he considers himself a contentious objector to violence and that he won’t kick anyone, just footballs.”
• Dean Spanos worked out emphatically after interviewing Jim Harbaugh
  • “I’ve yet to confirm if that workout actually happened or not,” John [Spanos] said, “but what I promise you, given the look in my dad’s eyes, if he did, he attacked it with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.”

HARBAUGH: [Placative] I’m not sure why those things need clarification. If we said them, then they certainly happened.

BOLTMAN: [Laughs maniacally] JOLT SMAN DISAGREES. IN FACT, JOLT SMAN HAS EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY!

BOLTMAN: JOLT SMAN HAS OBTAINED MUCH OF THE MAIL THE SPANOI PATRIARCH RECEIVES AND NOT ONE OF THEM ARE CONSIDERED TO BE “NICE.”

HARBAUGH: Wait, how did–

BOLTMAN: [Starting to lose his composure] JOLTMAN ALSO KNOWS THAT HERETIC COMMANDER HERBERT SECRETES HUMAN EXCREMENT INTO HIS PANTS WHENEVER HE GOES NEAR AN ELEVATOR, SINCE THE START OF LAST SEASON!

HARBAUGH: [Audibly grinding teeth] That’s absolutely absurd! Justin–

BOLTMAN: AND THAT HE REFUSES TO LISTEN TO ANY MINSTREL THAT IS NOT CONSIDERED THE BOP OF CHILDREN! [Holds up phone]

HARBAUGH: [Becoming unhinged] GOD DAMNIT! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU MEDIA TYPES ARE JUST SUPPOSED TO REPORT ON WHAT WE SAY!

BOLTMAN: [Doubled over while cackling] JOLT SMAN IS NO MEDIA TYPE! JOLT SMAN IS NOT EVEN A MORTAL TIED TO THIS ABYSMAL PLANET! JOLTS MAN IS… [Does a standing backflip and lands on the reporter sitting behind him, causing them to explode into bones and gore] BOLTMAN! [Rips off fake goatee and begins head banging in place]

HARBAUGH: HOLY HELL, WHAT THE FUCK?!

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR LIES AND TREACHERY, JIM THE BROWN NOSED. AND NOW, ALLOW BOLTMAN TO SHOW YOU THE TRUTH TO THE WORST LIE YOU TOLD OF ALL!

[The room of reporters rise to their feet and begin STOMP, STOMP, CLAP-ing in unison, their eyes glazed, as BOLTMAN dives onto the stage next to HARBAUGH]

BOLTMAN: A SPANOI ONLY KNOWS ONE WAY TO “WORK OUT!” ALLOW BOLTMAN TO DEMONSTRATE “AN ENTHUSIASM UNKNOWN TO MANKIND!” [Unzips pants]

[HARBAUGH’s screams echo into the abyss]

It has been a rather turbulent year for this pathetic excuse for an NFL franchise. Bringing in Captain Meltdown to manage a bunch of young kids who don’t know how to manage themselves certainly will go over well. One of the last two remaining San Diego Chargers was traded off of the team to Chicago because he refused to take a pay cut. I mean, who would have thought that the guy with no loyalty, who championed the LA move, would have no loyalty? Eckler is gone, Mike Williams is gone. There are probably others, but I assure you it is not worth exerting the brain power to look into them.

Clearly the attempt to revitalize and shake the “cheap,” “timid” and “without vision” narrative around the Spanoi clan is in full swing and LAWD are they tryin’! The dumb shit Harbs has found praise for surrounding the ownership and Herbs is gag inducingly embarrassing and can only be summed up by the following:

Fuck YOU, Harbs, you Spanoi milopita polishing, toady ass-sucker. I absolutely cannot wait until your first sideline tantrum over a holding call. I’m sure Justin Herbert will remain a media-darling after he stomps around the line of scrimmage looking like a toddler without his third cookie.

5-12 feels like too much like a decent draft pick and this team knows nothing about those, so let’s go with the scaled Jeff Fisher line of 8-9.

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