Bay Area Body Bags: 2024 San Francisco 49ers Bye Week (and Open Thread)

AUTHORS NOTE: You may be wondering why I am writing the Niners Bye Week Update a week after their bye. The simple answer is that America had Kind of A Lot Going On Right Now last week, and the ups and downs of the Santa Clara Failsons just didn’t register on the ol’ Spiritual Seismograph. But now I am retreating into my Happy Place, and that involves bagging on a team that should be running away with the NFC West.

2024 PREDICTION: “11-6, divisional round loss. Kyle Shanahan begins blaming elves for his inability to call running plays when leading in the 4th Quarter. CMC, Deebo and George Kittle retire to run a floating bed and breakfast in Sausalito.”

HOW’S THAT LOOKING?:

They are 5-4 after a near-miraculous last-second win over the receiverless Tampa Bay Buccaneers, keeping them half a game behind Arizona(!) for the division lead.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?: The obvious answer is “injuries”- St. Christian of McCaffrey spent the first 8 weeks on IR, Brandon Aiyuk tore two knee ligaments hefting the metaphorical Bag, Deebo Samuel ended up in the hospital after a game with pneumonia, and George Kittle has been knocked around all year. And all that was after their top draft pick Ricky Pearsall was fucking shot.

But frankly, I’m not sure if the obvious answer is the correct one. Jordan Mason and Isaac Guerendo ably filled in on the ground. Various combinations of Jauan Jennings, Deebo, Aiyuk and Pearsall have kept the yardage flowing through the air. The defense is in the top half of the league in most non-scoring stats. From a great height, there is no reason they should be struggling to stay over .500.

Looking through the stats, the only things that stand out are touchdowns. The Niners just aren’t scoring in line with their yardage numbers. Moreover, they are only really feasting on objectively goddawful or highly vulnerable teams (Jets, Patriots, C-Hox and Dallas). With upcoming games at Green Bay, at Buffalo, against the Lions and at Arizona, there is a legitimate chance that San Francisco finishes 8-9 after coming in as one of two NFC Super Bowl favorites.

It’s also been something of a mess in terms of team culture, exemplified by Deebo going off on kicker Jake Moody after his third missed field goal Sunday. This looks like one of the Terrell Owens Eagles teams, where everyone expected a cakewalk and turned on each other when they got punched.

WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NOW?:

Barring more catastrophic injury news or somesuch wildcard, I’m going with 9-8. Shanahan is an overrated pud, and their D is effective but fragile. McCaffrey will win them one (1) game single-handed that they otherwise have no business winning. Then his other other major tendons will spontaneously combust. Their talent and a soft home schedule may carry them to a gift Wild Card berth.

 

NFL NEWS:

-Dallas in disarray! Jerral suggests players suck it up and win staring contests with the Sun, instead of using curtains.

-DAK! officially on the shelf for the rest of the season, while Mike McCarthy may get canned! Are you enjoying my potted-meat puns?

-The Bearistocrats! have jettisoned offensive coordinator Shane Waldron midway through his (and rookie QB Caleb Williams) first season. The offense went 23 consecutive possessions without a touchdown, which is nearly impossible under modern NFL rules. Passing coordinator Thomas Brown, who ran the Panthers “offense” for a time last year, will take over.

I genuinely feel for Bears fans at this point. This team is the wheel upon which young quarterbacks are broken. It’s a level of organizational futility that defies any logic beyond “The McCaskeys are running a decades-long Major League-style scam in an effort to move the team to San Antonio”.

 

 

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some good news at last – the Dr. Mrs. will not be needing surgery on her busted hand. We drank sparkling rose to celebrate and now she’s off in dreamland.

Bogdanski
Don T

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BeefReeferLives

My exact thoughts when I see a bro with a vape/dab rig

Brick Meathook

The central figure descending the staircase represents our mortality as we progress inexorably towards the grave.

https://ibb.co/g3kwsS4

The boarded-up buildings are representative of our closed emotions as the light-circled palm trees of inspiration attempts to embroaden us.

https://ibb.co/RcKVZXr

Fun Fact: These were taken on opposite sides across from the post office I went to today. With my iPhone 15 I can shit this stuff out all day.

Bogdanski

https://youtu.be/F9_AV9lYtQE?si=S1H_yQMJ_U6SzhGL
Great photos but whenever I see “this represents/symbolizes that” I think of this

Brick Meathook

It’s the art of the gallery notes bullshit artist.

Brick Meathook

. . . and they’re crap photos, but thank you for the kind words.

Don T

Woof. That’s a murderous stretch of games for SF. Finishing better than 9-8 will be impressive. And yes, I enjoyed the potted-mear puns.

2Pack

I just can’t picture the Bears in San Antonio. Love both towns but that would be a certain sign of the coming apocalypse to me.

Doktor Zymm

The heavy fur coat and love of fishing definitely don’t seem like a match for the desert

Unsurprised

San Antonio is the fattest city in America, so their fans at least would feel at home

Mr. Ayo

A perfectly pleasant weekday to RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!

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2Pack

As was foretold

2362855266_f238b2fc06_c.jpg
WCS

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Redshirt

I was going to save this for the Bengals loss on Sunday Night where I resign myself to the darkness of a lost season, but after the events of last Tuesday, I feel we all need a laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaDfMjzroSo&pp=ygUlUnVpbmluZyBmYW1vdXMgc2NlbmVzIHlvdSBjYW50IGhhbmRsZQ%3D%3D

Brick Meathook

Whenever I do an online grocery pickup down to the local Von’s, I always park in Pickup Space #5, even if other spaces are available.

“Good ol’ Space #5,” I like to say out loud while talking to my steering wheel, “you never let me down.” Then we all laugh as hearty good friends do, Space #5, my steering wheel, and me.

I would never cheat on Pickup Space #5.

https://ibb.co/sQc2W9t

ballsofsteelandfury

How pissed off do you get if you show up and someone is parked in #5?

Last edited 10 days ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Redshirt

(slowly drives into #5)

“Do you enjoy that? Just open yourself up for a complete stranger while I watch?”

“Uh, Mr. Meathook? We didn’t have 96% ground beef, so we got you 90% instead. Is that okay?”

“YOU’RE IN ON IT TOO!”

Brick Meathook

When I press the “I’m On The Way” button in the Von’s app, the crack Westchester ground control team clears Pick Up Space #5 for my imminent arrival.

Redshirt

Careful what you post on Social Media:

IMG_0477.jpeg
ballsofsteelandfury

Most people can’t do the math…

Horatio Cornblower

I just figure they’re from somewhere like Moldova.

2Pack

That would be my guess also.

ArmedandHammered

Plus, she definitely has the fetal alcohol syndrome look.

ArmedandHammered

I mean her nose does not have a bridge, it has an isthmus.

Brick Meathook

I think this is legal in Canada.

Unsurprised

ballsofsteelandfury
Redshirt

I usually follow Tom Grossi, but she’s good too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8vuTZM764c&pp=ygUKdG9tIGdyb3NzaQ%3D%3D

Doktor Zymm

It’s too bad that hereditary NFL team ownership doesn’t work the same way as hereditary monarchy. I would love to know how a mid-season owner assassination affects a team, or perhaps a distant cousin raising their own team and laying siege to a practice facility.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m sure most Cowboys fans would love to find out if it does.

Doktor Zymm

Ol’ Double J seems like he would be difficult to assassinate

Sharkbait

Oh I like this idea. What team would have the most entertaining War of the Roses?

ArmedandHammered

What team owner has the most spawn?

ArmedandHammered

The legally recognized spawn vs. the non-recognized spawn! Those bastards vs. these bastards!

2Pack

Green Bay “owners” would riot for 3 minutes before falling over exhausted then crawling to the tavern.

ArmedandHammered

Look at the team now! We all know who was really incompetent!

Redshirt

(grabs a shovel)

“Hey, Mr. Brown?”

herodotus450

“My Liege, the Chicagolanders grow restless. If you don’t consummate your new marriage with the McCaskey wench and produce a right handed heir… We mustn’t give the Michiganders an opening!”

Bogdanski

The Giants and the Steelers can be like England and France where different generations claim they are the rightful ruler of the other based on whatever medieval fuckery and army strength they have at the time

ballsofsteelandfury

To be fair, the Giants are the rightful owner of the Patriots.

Last edited 10 days ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Unsurprised

Eli the Conqueror

Doktor Zymm

They had a devil of a time trying to get him to sit still long enough to paint a triumphal portrait

2Pack

That is a mini series waiting for broadcast.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That seems like it would be a fantastic mod for a video game.

BeefReeferLives

Hence the strategic Rooney / Mara cross conference allegiance.

WCS

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I’MA BLEW THAT GOTTDAMNED PISSANT STAR OUTTA THE GOTTDAMNED SKY!
THIS HERE IS MY GOTTAMNED SOLAR SYST’M AND I AIN’T BOUT TO SHARE MAH MY GOTTAMNED STARS IN MY GOTTDAMNED STADIUM!!
I’MMA NOT TEAR DOWN MAH PALACE I’M’A GO AN’ BLACK HOLE THAT BRIGHT SHINY SUMBITCH BULLEEEEEEE YOU ME!
I’MA DO IT TOO CUZ I REALLY FUCKIN AM CRAZY!! YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

blaxabbath

I do believe whichever boy McCaskey is running the Bears — speaking of their career-killing organizational behaviors — is a graduate of Arizona State University.

Bogdanski

Even though this has nothing to do with the Cardinals you have put it in my head that everytime I hear Arizona I must add “Bidwell’s sexuality aside”.
So, you know… Bidwell’s sexuality aside

ballsofsteelandfury

I mentioned yesterday that I binge watched the entire The Penguin series yesterday and I can’t, for the life of me, understand how it is we have not referred to Aaron Rodgers as The Penguin yet.

ArmedandHammered

The Penguin is competent?

ballsofsteelandfury

Well, he did get control of the drug trade in Gotham….

ArmedandHammered

He achieved a goal, even with his handicaps and leading his group. Unlike Rodgers who is not a leader, is only mentally handicapped, and will never achieve whatever his goal was.

ballsofsteelandfury

Well, he did win a Super Bowl…

ArmedandHammered

I meant his attempt to make the Jets relevant by winning games.

Horatio Cornblower

The Penguin’s more likable.

Doktor Zymm

And has better personal grooming habits

BeefReeferLives

Why? Haven’t watched yet. Does The Penguin get ripped to the tits on ayahuasca?

ballsofsteelandfury

Spoiler

The Penguin has a great relationship with his family.

Last edited 10 days ago by ballsofsteelandfury
ballsofsteelandfury

Sadly, 8-9 may be enough to win the NFC West

Sharkbait

As long as they win the division. I have a division winner parlay going

blaxabbath

I don’t think Qards end under 9 wins.

ballsofsteelandfury

Current record: 6-4
Remaining games:
@ Seahawks (probable L)
@ Vikings (likely L)
Home vs Seahawks (tossup)
Home vs Patriots (likely W)
@Panthers (likely W)
@ Rams (probable L)
Home vs 49ers (tossup)

I dunno. 8-9 could happen….

litre_cola

Seahawks are frauds. Qards will beat them twice and beat the Panteros.

Doktor Zymm

Both teams are annoyingly inconsistent, flighty even

blaxabbath

If XBoxJr gets his batteries knocked out again, that would be the end of the season for sure.

Bogdanski

Bidwell’s sexuality aside

Doktor Zymm

It’s a better bet than them getting a wildcard this year