
Good morning people. I assume it’s a good morning for some of you anyway. Me, I’ll still be rolling into Daylight Savings Time, which I hate for depriving me an hour of beautiful sleep, a time when, like Ralph Wiggum, I’m a Viking, or at least unconscious and not having to deal with
(gestures broadly)
that.
I also have two depositions scheduled today. And I came up with his topic all by myself, so you’re largely going to be on your own. Pick a commissioner from amongst yourself; I trust everything will work out.
/returns 22 seconds later
Ah. Well. Nevertheless.
This week we draft mascots. Initially I thought of breaking this into two drafts, like last year when we drafted coaches we’d want to coach a favorite team, and then coaches we wouldn’t want anywhere near a favorite team.
/tips hat to Rick Kotite
Then, however, I came to the conclusion that mascots, with few exceptions, are generally pretty stupid. Large, garish, furry…things that wander around the park or rink or field, entertaining children who would have tapped out of the game 20 minutes in if it weren’t for the funny-looking green thing bouncing around two sections over, and distracting those of us there for the game by being, well, a funny looking green thing bouncing around two sections over.
Fun aside, one time I took my then young son and a friend of his to a minor league game and Tater the Navigator
came over to entertain them. While doing so he knocked my beer into my lap. The kids started laughing and Tater leans over and says “hey, sorry man; I’ll have a new beer sent down to you” which he did, which the kids found even funnier.
So draft whatever mascot you feel like, good, bad, or ugly. Feel free to state your feelings about said mascot as well, even if, (especially if), you’re drafting them because they suck. Have fun with it: it’s a Monday, and we’re all short an hour of sleep.
With the first pick I’ll take the aforementioned (and late and lamented) Tater the Navigator. The Norwich Navigators are, much like the Whalers, no more, having moved to Richmond, VA just because they “couldn’t draw fans” and “lost a ton of money” and the Norwich Stadium was “hard to get to” and the facilities were “not up to acceptable standards” and “probably should have been condemned.” RIP Tater, but you did buy me a beer once, so you get to be the first pick.
The rest of you are on the clock.
The Macon Whoopee!
Couldn’t find an actual costume, but I swear I saw someone wearing one when my friends and I drove up for a couple of games over those years the team was active.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macon_Whoopee_(CHL)
Wally The Green Monster
So I can run his ass through a shredder. One of the oldest franchises in baseball, reduced to this. Jesus wept.
Figures the Red Sox mascot would wear New Balance.
Gumby bought a pair of New Balance running shoes in the mid- eighties. They were shoddy ( he he, get it?) They said to send them back, and we’d get a refund. We did, they didn’t. We called a few times, the last one ended with someone screaming at us in Portuguese, then hanging up. Fuck them forever.
Sounds like ‘the New Bedford Special’
The Capital City Goofball, available this late, localized entirely within this kitchen??
I’ll top it with Dancing Homer!
https://youtu.be/lisqnlzmDvE?si=MZOTyq4iF_MYmLHi
I can’t believe this is still available. It’s like I don’t even know yinz anymore.
I’m bringing Keggy the Keg from the Ivies. You all can feast on his innards.
The definition of a Dartmouth Man.
You’re just disappointed you didn’t think of him first.
Montgomery Biscuits
That name absolutely belongs on one of Danger Guerrero’s lists.
“Is that a butter pat in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?”
Mouth? – Marlon Brandon in Last Tango in Paris
The official mascot of Sunday gravy
The St. Louis University Billiken.
Obligitory: https://www.inquisitr.com/whats-a-billiken-the-strange-explanation-of-saint-louis-universitys-head-scratching-mascot
My mascot is a fucking dragon!
“Unleash it!!!!”
-Grossman, R.
Well OK then… Since we are drifting this way… In the 3rd round… True up front value… Marika for FC Napoli…
Sprocket, the mascot of the AA Rocket City (Huntsville, AL), Trash Pandas
Steelers about to sign QAron
Let’s watch!
Bat Country Let’s Glide
Schefter is trying to drum up interest for his friend Aa-Ron.
That shit ain’t happening. If they’re not re-signing Wilson, they’re not signing Rodgers
DeNile ain’t just a river in Egypt.
Noooooooooooo!
Question: can we count USC Song Girls as mascots?
/Ducks
I’ll allow it.
Ducking in between depositions to allow this.
2. The original Monty Montezuma, the mascot for SDSU. One of the very few casualties of “woke” culture that I’ll actually mourn.
Here he is cutting out the still-beating heart of a basketball opponent.
And here he is drinking some frat-prepared jungle juice out of a conch shell.
Birkenstocks???
Pretty metal that the original one went barefoot.
Best moustache of any mascot?
I mean I feel like the moustache ride being provided by Stanford Tree has the edge, but I’ll acknowledge that it’s a razor-thin margin.
Sebastian the Ibis
I’ll take Steely McBeam because of how incredibly stupid it is that he exists.
And given the large Polish community in Western PA he really should be Steely Beamowski. I mean, the Steelers fight song is a polka, why is the mascot ostensibly Irish or Scottish?
The Steelers owners are Irish. That’s why they’re playing in Ireland next year. Also, I think one of them was an ambassador to Ireland in a previous administration.
But I agree with you.
Art Rooney under Obama.
Large Irish community too. I come from of those Hibernian Yinzer families.
I would like to draft Big Red and, owning his rights, I will drag him to every city council meeting and drop him executioner style, returning for infinite weeks to repeat the scene with my property. A different story and method each week — but always with the same ending of permanence. Until the next week.
Plus it’ll be soothing. But most of all — it will be Just.
The unofficial KC Chiefs mascot*

*no disrespect to Tay Tay or her fans.
Gotta love the over-the-knee boots…
I’m digging Gaylord the Camel, I wonder if he spits at people?
Dandy, we hardly knew ye.

I wasn’t even aware of Dandy, and it very much seems like the Yankees would like it kept that way.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dandy_(mascot)
Meet the weirdly buff mascot from UC Irvine, Peter the Anteater.
Sammy the Bandanna Slug (UC Santa Cruz)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VMHhAvAVOY
“Banana” slug, Goddammit..
[instructions unclear, runs through clubhouse with slugs wrapped around his wing-wang]
Leaving a slime trail
TOO easy. It’s hard enough being a fan of this shit show but this is too easy. You could pick either one of these things and feel completely stupid, enjoy.
Are those…testicles?
i mean come on
(that’s the Stanford Tree if anyone is ctrl-f’ing)
Ah, so he’s “giving her the wood”, then…
West Virginia University Mountaineer
Oh, eat shit Pitt, but fuck Maryland forever.
what’s with this DEI crap
If you don’t think wimmen aren’t hunting, fishing, and chewin tobaccy up in them hollers, you’ve never been to West by God Virginia!
My high school was Mounties, but instead of Canadian law enforcement, our mascot was a Mountaineer, and it was also the name of our yearbooks. Weird. They’re the Rams now, a compromise with the other high school in the district when they merged.
Pine-Richland?
Ligonier Valley
Testudo

Fear the turtle and/or Roman infantry formation dammit!
That’s pretty funny. Maryland should replace that statue with just their team’s helmet. Like the Browns.
People leave ‘offerings’ there at exam time, which sometimes catch on fire.
When my niece chose Maryland, her twin brother started calling her a Twerp.
Mostly because I don’t want my team to have to face him.
Consider the Titans and Jags entered the league the same year. Titans almost won a SB (seems as fluky as the Cardinals trip — also a loss) while the Jags have been just so helpless and always build a team that is like 1 chromosome short. Except for Jaxon De Ville. Professional. Artistic. Understands The Job. This is the cat who is keeping the Jaguars from the Titans sleepy Ryan Tannehill of an existence. JDV’s consistent ability to distract from a made-to-export American Football Team is as automatic as Larry Fitzgerald’s hands or Justin Tucker’s extra points / insatiable desire for hand jobs (I’ve not read the details on his accusation as I’m still not finished enjoying this Deshaun Watson fall from grace.). JDR is a Franchise mascot.
Did you know i pegged him as The New Face of Dannon for when Cam Newton got dropped for making fun of a girl reporter? Was over seven years ago. I’m basically Sunday Gravy.
https://doorfliesopen.com/2017/10/11/a-new-look-for-dannon/
…when there’s only Dannon yogurt for desert.
Indeed. Jaxson Marcellus DeVile is a totsl pro.
A lot of choices to start with, but I’m going to lead off with the Crazy Go Nuts University Jolly Dumple.

The one, the only…
The San Diego Chicken for the young ‘uns.
He’s everywhere, he’s everywhere!!!
Youppie!

Former Expos and current Habs mascot
Speaking of Richmond, Nutzy, the mascot of the Flying Squirrels is now off the board.
Gritty.
I wanted to make this #1 overall, but in good conscious, could not allow meself to select anything Flyera related.
2nd round… Vegas Baby!
The Vegas Hooker mascot.
And whatever that thing is in the hockey sweater.
Speedy the geoduck, from Evergreen State College. From the website: Speedy ’79 is a geoduck, a large burrowing clam and Evergreen’s mascot.
From an ex-coworker: his daughter went to Evergreen State College, but came back home after a single semester. She said everyone there just smoked too much weed. When I was 18 I wouldn’t have thought that was even possible.
An image of an actual geoduck
Damn non embedding images. Take 2:
And it’s pronounces gooeyduck!
I remember Evergreen getting mocked pretty heavily because they didn’t give out grades, just “evaluations”.
Philly Phanatic, Seriously what is this stupid thing,
Butt plug. They’re all butt plugs.
Sam Dunk LA Clippers.
My first round choice is Bernie Brewer. I’ve known him since I was a teenager working games on the cleaning crew at the old County Stadium.
He stole Rollie Fingers’ mustache!
The “Fighting Okra” of Delta State University
Cleveland, Mississippi
https://ibb.co/9kZH2h73
WITH THE FIRST OVERPICK, WCS SELECTS THE ONLY TRUE CHOICE
BOLTMAN WILL GO TO AN OWNER WHO TRULY APPRECIATES HIS POWER AND GLORY
Would have been my #1, but has never bought me a beer.