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Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: It’s Draftmas Eve!

Senor Weaselo

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You know what that means… we’re only a day away from not having to hear about any more bullshit mock drafts and people wanking over their predictions for another year! Or at least until 5 minutes after the next Owl. We’re a day away of not having to hear “Ward or Sanders?” “Will whoever drafts him let Travis Hunter play both ways?” And all sorts of other bullshit!

Now instead we can handicap who’s going to be the next Pope when we all know it’ll be Scotty I. DO I EVEN NEED TO LINK IT? (Yes. Yes I do. This specific Eurotrip reference is in my contract.)

…I should make a cantus firmus for counterpoint practice based on “Scotty Doesn’t Know.” The students won’t get it because the movie is older than a good chunk of them.

In other news:

Vote Feely: Jay Feely will be running in AZ-5 in 2026. (Note: I’m going to take a guess here, do not vote Feely.)

JERRAL and the N-GCP are working on “pretty substantive trades.” We have no idea what and no specifics have been brought up and he doesn’t specifically mean draft picks. Because everyone (except the Titans) is still making or getting draft calls right now—it’s called due diligence.

Okay, the important stuff. What’s on tonight in the world of postseason things?

Not the tumbler, the real Stanley Cup (Playoffs)
No Canada Like French Canada vs. Fuck Ovi and Tom Wilson on principle, and the principle is “fuck ’em” (MTL vs. WSH, Capitals lead 1-0; 7:00, ESPN/CBC)

“Who Shot JFK?” vs. Legally Not the Yetis but Fucking with Utah (DAL vs. COL, series tied 1-1; 9:30, ESPN)

Leonhards vs. First Turn Kills… wait, wrong “FTK” acronym (EDM vs. LAK, Kings lead 1-0; 10:00, TBS/CBC)

Roundball Rock
That song on the Tiktok vs. Inevitable Celtics (ORL vs. BOS, Celtics lead 1-0; 7:00, TNT)

Pat the Rat and… well, not pals vs. “Still Not Detroit!” (MIA vs. CLE, Cavaliers lead 1-0; 7:30… regional networks?)

Steph and Jimmy and Pals vs. “Team Rocket? Team Rocket can suck on my balls, Magikarp use Splash attack!” (GSW vs. HOU, Warriors lead 1-0; 9:30, TNT)

SexiMexi CONCACAF Cup Semis

Tigres UANL vs. Cruz Azul (Leg 1 of 2) (10:00, FS1)

-Baseball is on assorted regionals, but unless it’s a team you care about, you’re probably not watching it.

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ArmedandHammered

Shit, after my HOA fiasco, my retreat into isolationism and weed caused me to miss out on a fun thread. Fuck you HOA.

3
Doktor Zymm

Sleepy time. Come give hugs i know all of you here so not creepy

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Mr. Ayo

On our way!

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Gumbygirl

Hugs!

1000006169
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Gatoraids

last words of the USCSS Nostromo

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Mr. Ayo

BTWl, Sinners is a fantastic movie. Watched it on IMAX today and was blown away. This Other Michael Jordan just might be a star.

5
Gatoraids

yeah looking forward to seeing it soon

1
Doktor Zymm

Very few people perish on rocks nowadays.

1
Doktor Zymm

Wish I knew more about what my grandpa did in the war. He didn’t want to talk about it which is both common for anyone who survived ww2 and a great argument that we shouldn’t war

5
Gumbygirl

My dad was in Korea. He had a scar on his elbow, he said it was his war wound. The real story: He was drunk, and fell out of a jeep.

1
Doktor Zymm

The Pogues are all dead or decrepit right? And none of this is legit immigration law but nothing is nowadays Loralai would be shipped off after 2 weeks of detention. Fuck. I’m just gonna enjoy the music for a bit everything else be damned

1
Mr. Ayo

What does The Pogues have to do with Gilmore Girls? Also, Lorelai was born in Connecticut and white/

1
Doktor Zymm

Sure but Loralai totally had a boyfriend who owned a Chicago Bulls hat so she’s lilke Md 16

1
SonOfSpam

“Born in Connecticut and white” is redundant as “fucking whore”

3
Doktor Zymm

Johnny Cash had a great voice but to his credit he never killed anyone, he sympathized and probably wanted to kill but he was actually kinda a wannabe hippie. Doesn’t matter anyway does it. We can only wish shit still mattered

0
2Pack

Obviously you missed him on Colombo.

2
Gumbygirl

He shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die

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Doktor Zymm

And got jailed in a california prison! Mirable!

2
Mr. Ayo

I’ll always hate him for somehow convincing most people that one of his covers was better than the original when it was clearly not.

Other than that, he’s fine.

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Doktor Zymm

Hurt?

1
Mr. Ayo

I was clearly referring to Rusty Cage by Soundgarden.

J/K, Hurt is correct.

1
SonOfSpam

Rusty Cage is a sex act involving imitating the guy from Face/Off. Not for amateurs.

2
SonOfSpam

Sunday Morning Coming Down, Kristofferson’s original is the best. Or his version of it, whatevs. Cash’s is overproduced. Stupid jerk.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Actually, it was Social Distortion performing the cover, though I can see how one might make an honest mistake.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNOT3Qr-CXI

3
SonOfSpam

Ok back from the Angels game, they were shut out 3-0 by the Pirates, offense was more impotent than Brett Favre. Only had time for two beers. Thanks Obama.

Beer #3 will be considerably cheaper than the first two.

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Mr. Ayo

Was it a rest day for Ohtani and Trout? Oh wait…

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Doktor Zymm

I am drunk, but even so trying to make a joke here about how mucj fish the japanese eat. Yeah i know it’s not funny but trout is a fish yeah?

4
Doktor Zymm

Oh god this is horrible sorry and I owe you an entertainment

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Mr. Ayo

Au contraire! This is fantastic. Great work!

GTD, please make sure this included in next week’s roundup,

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

All of dok’s drunken babble or just this thread?

2
Doktor Zymm

Just waltzing matilda

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Mr. Ayo

All of it. Edit it to look like one thread.

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SonOfSpam

Yes

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SonOfSpam

Trout was 0-4 with 3 strikeouts, so yes.

Ohtani didn’t bother showing up, slacker.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He was probably cooling his heels in the sportsbook and lost track of time.

2
Doktor Zymm

Black doesn’t really have the symbolism nowadays does it? Who gives a shit if whoever modern day Johnny Cash is wears black? Imma wear chartreuse

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Doktor Zymm

The color, not the liquor, that would be so sticky

3
Doktor Zymm

I’ve just spent like 2 minutes debating whether I’m shitfaced so probably not.

Johnny Cash has a great voice, that’s good enough for some stuff

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2Pack

When you start playing Abba… You will have your answer. And it will be yes.

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Doktor Zymm

I bet Jackson isn’t nearly as good as that one country song makes it sound

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I prefer my Jacksons to be of the luscious variety.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NhqN0KcWAE

3
Gumbygirl

Been there. Shithole.

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blaxabbath

In 1994, apparently, my great-grandmother purchased a $50 u.s. savings bond for me, apparently. An EE, as it were. My mom just mailed it to me out of the blue. On cursory Google check, it’s worth about $64 today.

Can I just keep letting it ride?

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Doktor Zymm

Sure, but they’re kinda shit compared to the older ones. Cash it and stick it in a high yield savings and you’ll be like 20 year old me but smarter and probably less attractive

1
blaxabbath

I’m thinking about having my jowls surgeried so maybe not less attractive….

1
Doktor Zymm

We’re probably looking at different audiences so we can call it a draw unless a really opinionated bisexual steps forward to judge

2
Gumbygirl

Slippery slope!

1000006167
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, after a certain amount of time they stop accruing interest.

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Doktor Zymm

They do usually have a 30 year term

1
blaxabbath

Wow.

Not the strongest performer in my investments then.

1
Doktor Zymm

If I lived closer to the border and had the energy I would just drive back and forth over it to piss off ICE and also smuggle something because why not

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blaxabbath

The problem with ice is that they’re more like a federal rural sherif than a refined government agency.

Plus they have the kind of people who want to live near the boarder. Meaning, their staff is highly comfortable with a warzone-like atmosphere 24/7.

They’re a big employer in Tucson.

Tucson sucks.

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Doktor Zymm

Still I’m white enough and middle aged lady enough that I would totally provoke them if I wasn’t so lazy and kinda far

2
Jimbo

Warzone-like atmosphere seems like a stretch.

2
blaxabbath

Their words, not mine.

1
herodotus450

LA Kings looking to get revenge against Edmonton in this playoff series for that awful trade they made back in the 80s.

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Doktor Zymm

Life would be better if I was a psychopath. Mine at least. Is this the denouement of humanity’s competitive advantage? If you look at birds of paradise for example, they evolve beyond the point of practicality for breeding advantage and become endangered. Humans had cooperation as the advantage and now we have JD Vance and Musk spewing babies and fucking over people. Huh. I’m well on the way to shitfaced because this only kinda makes sense and I’m also back to Deep Thoughts but like Jordan Peterson quality ew

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Gumbygirl

Vance’s kids are half brown. If this plays out the way these Nazi’s clearly want it to, they’ll be heading to camp, and not to learn crafts and archery.

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Doktor Zymm

He clearly IS a psychopath and doesn’t give a shit about his wife or kids if he can’t use them for his own aggrandizment.

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Gatoraids

Just another remake combining Ernesto goes to Camp with Ernesto goes to Jail

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqaRa5ELDdo

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Gumbygirl

Ernest was awesome, and I don’t mean that in a ironic hipster way. The world needs more Jim Varneys

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Gatoraids

know what ya mean Fern

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BeefReeferLives

Maybe Devo was right?

1
Doktor Zymm

About having a sex dwarf? Oh wait that was Soft Cell

1
Gumbygirl

No, it’s Horatio!

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BeefReeferLives

“The band’s namesake, the tongue-in-cheek social theory of “de-evolution”, was an integral concept in their early work”

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ArmedandHammered

Well, the HOA meeting tonight which I presided over as President, was a shit show of epic proportions. I lost it, I went off. We have people trying to stymie progress on an issue, if they would just let us get it to an actual vote, it would put an end to their concerns because I know it would go their way. An hour of being yelled at, people lying, somebody who has never done shit in the HOA or the neighborhood that I know of, yelling at me due to me not doing my job perfectly. Really. Fuuuuucccckkkkkk, I should have done that stoned as hell.

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Mr. Ayo

Issue an executive order disbanding the HOA. Problem solved.

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ArmedandHammered

I actually obey the rules, when fully explained to me. We have an HOA lawyer! No one told me! You think that would be important to know.

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ArmedandHammered

Sorry an actual lawyer on retainer, nor one of the HOA law experts all other the residents seem to be.

3
Gumbygirl

The last HOA meeting I went to devolved into a screaming match. The idiots prevailed, and I’m still paying about a hundred bucks for barely adequate internet, instead of 30 bucks for 1 gig.

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Doktor Zymm

Boo that

3
blaxabbath

No one has trashed my Starlink yet.

3
Doktor Zymm

DISSOLVE THE HOA!!

2
Gatoraids

l’hoa ce moi

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Doktor Zymm

Why weren’t more babies named Jolene?

2
Jimbo

Because of Dolly Parton.

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Doktor Zymm

See I thought that would go the other way

1
Gumbygirl

Those ‘lene names tend to evoke the trailer park. I love Dolly, but I would never name a girl Jolene, Marlene, Arlene, Darlene, Valvoline, Magazine…

3
Gatoraids

Least more Jolyne’s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyqRZyse6j0

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Doktor Zymm

Climate change can’t extinct us fast enough, how the hell am I a humanist?

1
Jimbo

It went from an “administrative error” to now he’s a member of MS-13, a terrorist, and human trafficker. This whole thing is bullshit.

1
Doktor Zymm

It’s been bs the whole time. It’s pretty clearly a test case to see what they can get away with. Extra scary, part of the discovery they refuse to comply with is the details of their contract with El Salvador. This should be public info, or at least have been subject to some sort of approval but I suspect there is no contract. I think we sent money and human beings over there on a handshake agreement to destroy lives

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Gumbygirl

Drinking a clear margarita with a photoshopped cherry.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is to ensure that none of the other people they do this to complain about it to the press.

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Gumbygirl

They want her to be killed. It’s insane.

0
Doktor Zymm

They have 3 kids, how can they? I don’t understand. You’re right it’s insane

0
Gumbygirl

I have my doubts about the safe house. One of those maga chuds will leak the location, bet on it.

0
Doktor Zymm

Google photos has ‘set as wallpaper’ and ‘move to locked folder’ right next to each other. It’s like they want people to set their own tits as wallpaper by accident

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fleshwound_NPG

welcome back, captaincomment image

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King Hippo

Of all the Carlin things, my favourite is when he goes:

(whiny voice) but my needs aren’t being met!

Oh yeah? Lose some of your needs.

2
BugEyedBoo

AI getting good at some things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdDFWz7HqZI

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Horatio Cornblower

I think AI had a lot to do with this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QcRmJeIV-I

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Doktor Zymm

That’s brilliant. Though not better than the pre-AI video from Maddie and Tae
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_MOavH-Eivw

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Doktor Zymm

I did drop sets of bench press this morning, so while getting shitfaced probably isn’t the best for muscle recovery it actually doesn’t matter because I’m probably not going to be shoving anyone I hate off a cliff and that’s mainly what those muscles are good for. And if I was shoving someone I hate off a cliff I don’t think some soreness would really get in the way

0
Doktor Zymm

Huh, do dudes have a greater range of motion on bench press since they mostly don’t have boobs? Nah, I think it hits far enough above the nipple it isn’t a huge difference

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think you’re supposed to aim for nipples or a little below. I tend to aim for the nipple; it’s a habit I developed at birth and hasn’t failed me yet.

3
Doktor Zymm

Retrospectively I realize that lady nipples move about more than man nipples so I may have to rethink this

1
Doktor Zymm

Retrospectively is a much better way to say In Hindsight

So latin

1
ballsofsteelandfury

If you do incline or decline, it doesn’t matter.

1
2Pack

We don’t know. We’re not allowed to look at women in the gym anymore.

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Doktor Zymm

I’m sure Italian women are better at this, but I’m usually wearing colors and patterns that clash while sweating like a refugee and trying to keep my hair out of my eyes and nose so any non-looking is probably to spare embarrassment

3
2Pack

Yeah they tend to put as much thought and effort into thier gym attire as they do for nights out on the town. Fashion is pounded into them at an early age.

Last edited 11 months ago by 2Pack
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I too support the pounding of things into women at an early age.” – Matt Gaetz

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, you’d push through it.

2
BeefReeferLives

I suppose you have henchmen or goons to do most of the grunt work, but good to keep in shape in case there’s nosy secret agent or encyclopedia salesman in front of an open window…

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Doktor Zymm

I mean, I just shoot those dudes, or chuck em in the magma if I’m just out of the shower and don’t have a sidearm

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And then deliver the monologue to the corpse? Where’s the satisfaction in that?

Last edited 11 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Doktor Zymm

Tiktok

1
Gumbygirl

Chuck em in the magma!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wish the princesses at Disney were as interested in playing dirty as their basketball team evidently is.

0
BeefReeferLives

Is that the cough sizzurp talking?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Last game Orlando took out Tatum, this game they did this:

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Last edited 11 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
1
Jimbo

Tony Orlando?

1
Horatio Cornblower

I can see Dawn taking a few people out, but not Tony.

1
ArmedandHammered

I don’t know, based on his songs, he seemed to be a stalker extraordinaire.

0
Gumbygirl

They’re not knocking three times on the ceiling because they want you, Tony. They’re saying ” stop that infernal caterwauling before I come up there and pop a cap in your ass”

3
Doktor Zymm

If I ever start a sports league, I will name and locate the teams in such a way that they represent the musical scale as given in the Sound of Music song.
Potential teams:
Do (or doe): Detroit Orangutangs
Re (or ray): Rochester Echidnas
Mi (or me): Manchester Insects
Fa (or far): Florence Architects
So or (sew): Sacramento Oblongs
La: LA Aqueducts
Ti: Tijuana Illini
Do (again): Dallas Onions on the belt as was the style at the time

3
Don T

LOVE Tijuana Illini 🤣🤣🤣

0
SonOfSpam

Heading out to release the Angels or whatever. First time in probably two years.

The Angels are .500 so this is gonna be as good as it gets. Have a nice time here while I’m gone, no Russian bots.

7
Jimbo

Maybe Ohtani will hit a homer, oh oops..

4
Horatio Cornblower

Mike Trout hit one something like 484′ last night.

So he’s probably injured tonight and won’t play.

4
SonOfSpam

lol dick

0
Doktor Zymm

If we ignore the general state of the nation, my life is like minimum 85% awesome, but that 15% that’s shitty just decided to become prominent and distract me from the rest so I think I might get shitfaced

Last edited 11 months ago by Doktor Zymm
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Doktor Zymm

I know it doesn’t solve anything, but not getting shitfaced doesn’t solve anything either

3
Gatoraids

“to forget is to forgive”

2
litre_cola

Always a good option.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man I wish I could get shitfaced. I need another full day of recovering from this bug though.

0
Horatio Cornblower

The cat who stopped eating is kinda sorta back to eating and is back to going outside during the day and so far he’s brought us back a dead mole and a pretty much alive baby rabbit. I took the latter away from him and released it into some brush, and now this ungrateful feline is yowling is head off to get back outside, presumably to finish what he started.

I am beginning to think karma may not reward me for saving his self-starving ass.

9
Doktor Zymm

Murders are totally a sign of health in a cat so good stuff. And if karma doesn’t reward killing mosquitoes then it’s lost all credibility with me anyway

4
King Hippo

he’s THANKING you for your concern!!!

3
Horatio Cornblower

He’s been relegated to the basement. Later on I’ll bring him some water to go with his couch, blankets, pillows, and…wait, who’s running this house anyway?

4
ArmedandHammered

The cat, duh.

0
fleshwound_NPG

RIP Steve McMichael, author of the pivotal moment in the greatest Monday Night Football game ever (also, forever LOLJETS) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rq60xvI-RsI

0
fleshwound_NPG

and forever fuck angel hernandez, BOOOOOOOOOO https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laPjzqDFSGU

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean I’m happy to see her score the royalty checks but it’s very unsettling to see Enya’s music in an Applebee’s commercial.

2
Gatoraids

Applebee’s new Queso Flow, sail away to a heart attack, sail away sail away

4
Horatio Cornblower

Enya apparently lives by herself in a castle with a bunch of cats so, assuming that’s true, I assume she doesn’t give a shit.

4
Doktor Zymm

She’s like me! Except I don’t have a castle or royalties or any cats

2
LemonJello

Secret Volcano Lair >>> Castle

4
Doktor Zymm

True, the ease of hot tub installation alone makes the superiority clear

1
Horatio Cornblower

Also you probably have, like, cave spiders in a volcano lair, and I bet they’re way cooler than cats.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You don’t have a pair of panthers any of your lairs in old Saxony?

0
Doktor Zymm

No, though the friends I just visited did have a pair of tiny panthers

0
Horatio Cornblower

But did they have an ocelot

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5
Jimbo

Fox-eared asshole!

4
BeefReeferLives

“Oh, you really must up your cat game, Dok. Gives an evil genius a certain panache.”

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3
Doktor Zymm

If I were to have cats, I would want a cat with this aesthetic going on
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5
BeefReeferLives

Awww. Sweet lil babushka kitteh!

2
Doktor Zymm

And with the proper babushka expression!

0
Gatoraids

always thought it’d be a tampon commercial though for your heavy Orinoco Flow days

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah but I’m pretty sure the new administration made menstruating illegal because too many woke women were doing it.

1
Doktor Zymm

They wanna give us $5k not to for a bunch of months

1
Doktor Zymm

Huh, I’m not drunk or stoned or a teenager but I’m definitely having some capital D Deep Thoughts today.
Is moral relativism the same thing as utility theory?

3
ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

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BugEyedBoo

.

c27ff9fc4436d3b835950c6cdb255653
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Gatoraids

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Doktor Zymm

We might cut them down MORE, and the national park system would be fucked

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m shocked Jay Feeley is running as a Republican inspired to serve after Trump’s assassination attempt.

https://youtu.be/N4vIBijzg4w?si=5f5EXm2lwKKufZDx

Just cause someone missed to the right doesn’t mean we need to hear from a kicker.

9
Gatoraids

no surprise he joined a group that is in favor of moving the goalposts

9
WCS

I kind of enjoy Ovi now.

Crosby won the rival, the two genuinely seem cool with each other now, and Ovi has the goal scoring record. Sid has two Conn Smythes as a consolation prize.

That all stated: fuck Tom Wilson (ice hawkey), always and forever with a rusty, Ebola-encrusted, used, and dull syringe in his peehole.

2
Doktor Zymm

There was a thing on the radio today about fetal personhood laws and I started thinking about some potential implications. Presumably, birthright citizenship only kicks in after birth, so fetuses would be stateless by default. Could a fetus be deported?

8
WCS

“Did your mother even say “‘hank you’ to President Trump while she was being sent to Honduras with you already in her womb for five months?”

— J.D. V., District of Columbia

Last edited 11 months ago by WCS
5
Doktor Zymm

On the flip side, if we start doing conceptionright citizenship we’ll start up a whole new industry

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

“This sofa should be able to vote millions of times”

–Also Jance Dance Vance

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