CAKE SUCKS! A Sunday Gravy After School Special.

Valentines day it was. I was at my horrible job embarrassing chickens yet again.

When in walks a very lovely lady carrying a balloon that said ” I Love you cause I Blasted you out of my Beaver.”

And a cute box from some fancy-ass local bakery carrying in it an unknown treat.

She walked up to the counter and gave it all to one of the guys I was working with.

A more sad sign of the times I have never incurred, both sad and inconvenient.

His mom showed up at his workplace and gave his 26 year old ass a Valentines gift!

My God man have you no self respect?

When he returned from 81 minutes in the shame closet he asked the remaining laughing employees if they would like a taste of the cake of which Mummsy had brought?

It was my first experience with sprinkle cake. It was wondrous.

Mmmm, Witch Cake. Now with even more real blood

So now I’ve tried producing cookies in the past with a modicum of success. When I tried to do it and write about?

Horrible failure.

How about homemade Ice cream as a food feature, how’d that go?

An unmitigated disaster.

So what can I screw up this time? I have an idiot of an idea.

Let’s make cake.  Not a box mix but from scratch.

I used a real famous cooking ladies recipe, “Its from Molly Yeh”. So nothing can go wrong.

Yes, you may now strike me with a fly swatter.

“KEWPIE, YOU PLAY NICE”

Hey Bruh, didn’t you try doing that same thing when you made ice cream?

Shut up stupid brain.

Neat, what happens if you put your penis in that thing?

All purpose flour

Please let me get this right. I used the recipe step by bloody step.

Baking Powder, Corn Starch, pinch of salt.

“Dude, I’m telling you, this is going to work.”

Blend dry ingredients together or suffer the consequences.

Sugar which you cream (I know) with the butter for 3 minutes.

What’s the most sugar you’ve ever ingested in one bite?

Stick around, I’m going to shatter that record.

A clear oil weirdo I see.

Gorgeous use of natural light.

That boy sure loves his shadows and lines.

I used real vanilla because I didn’t give a frogs fat rump about color. It’s supposed to be as white as a cake can be.

I say fuck whitey, you do you.

Look maybe I should just leave this cooking thing to someone else and stick to crappy stick figure drawings and drinking copious amounts of frosty beverages..

Just what in blue Jesus are you supposed to do with the yolks?

Whole milk none of that half load syrup.

After creaming, smoke a cigarette then fold one egg white followed by some of the flour then some of the milk on low speed. Repeat until you fail then push on anyway!

You remind me of my mom.

Add the oil somewhere in this process.

Just some of the flour silly. That way you guarantee you over work the batter and take all of the moisture out.

Of course by now you have your misfiring oven with the crummy thermometer warming up. Now the fun part, diddling with temperature throughout the remainder of said process.

What do you mean

Does it all the time?

I drink more than he does.

I think that might be pornographic in nature.

Hey Baby, come here often?

A lurid exhibition of daytime creaming, with sprinkles.

Whip it till lusciously gooey.

Oh man, don’t tell mom you used her favorite handkerchiefs again.

Now just pop her in the EZ bake and prey to the demons of forever.

Hey dude what’s that?

A cake.

No it isn’t. I’ve seen cakes and that there?

Sure ain’t one.

Let’s mess up the icing next.

Ready?

Hadn’t drawn up lines in years but yet it easily came right back to me.

Those are some tasty crisps right there now.

More creaming? I’m old. I’ll need some Milk Duds

Butter and an incredible amount of yummy, nutritious powdered sugar. Now wait for the cake to cool longer than I did, shit.

Glop the slop right on top. and?

It looks kind of like a cake

Look Mom, fattening.

Dense like poorly made bread. Cloyingly sweet, burnt on the edges but not fully cooked in the middle?

Perfect, just like grandma made.

Teeth rotting, 3 and 1/2 cups of powdered sugar just in the icing sweet but surprisingly tasty.

You can actually see the horror in that bite.

So that sucked.

What, I suppose you can do better?

Well do it then, obviously I simply can not do desserts.

So now I will surrender my cooks apron for a bartenders and pop open a few chilly inebriates.

Dear God when does football start?

I did not take 2 of the photos feel free to guess which.

Taj Lost in nowhere.

07/25