As the scene opens we see an old man who can’t say no sitting naked on a couch watching a 90 year old Joan Crawford movie, giggling like a loon and screaming to the sky about filling all dreams with electricity. When suddenly, there comes a knock upon the door.

The elderly gent called out to the securely locked door, “Why do you torment me so?”

Delivery, was the retort

Delivery?

I didn’t order anything. Wait, is that you Evil? You’re not supposed to be here until I write the Saints preview, go away reprobate you are not due until next month.

“I’ll just leave it here on the porch sir, thanks”. Came the distant reply.

Having allowed enough time for the hooligan’s departure, with both fear and trepidation the old man is forced to open the damn door, What is this manic intrusion?

There on the porch sat an innocent enough looking box. What to do?

 The aged senior citizen now in a right tizzy, stamping about, squealing quite pig-like. 

 I did not request this, Do I pick it up? Thus procuring said item as if it’s my very own?

Oh the quandary, what to do? 

And like the sad fool he has become the portly once beloved octogenarian does indeed, pick up the box.

In the box? Dying to know aren’t you?

Was a?……please lord let the geezer say it’s a dead baby, the suspense is killing me!

A simple ice cream maker. What?

 No, really it was an ice cream maker.

Should have just let it be but no not me, I brought it in the house. Beginning a trip down some really weird roads for no good reason. When was the last time I even had ice cream? I think it was Memphis that day at the zoo when it was 306 degrees and my daughter got “Dippin Dots”  Not even sure if that’s ice cream, it’s frozen. Want to say 2019?

Only in Taj World can this kind of preposterousness possibly occur. Just like that, I’m supposed to be making homemade ice cream, but why?

From this point on I’m just going to blame “Yeah Right’s” oldest, who will be affectionately referred to as Jen Ja Boo.

Probably best to start with the whole extract thing. Jen Ja (pretty sure it was the white chocolate macadamia cookie day) “niece” was telling “Yeah Right” that he should be using her homemade vanilla extract. Homemade what? Who does that?

Don’t you just go to the Piggly Wiggly and get one of them little bottles of that fake stuff like the brain dead stupid white Americans we are?

 Hey look, let’s go to Beanilla.com for real info

So I, being drunk and her being in close proximity, asked, “How does one get the idea to make your own vanilla (her husband brews his own bottles of hooch in their kids closet, not kidding) extract?”

She replied she saw it on social media, imagine that? She went on to say that there was a place on the interweb thingy where you can get real vanilla beans from, get this, Madagascar, no it’s real man, it happened.

LOOK INTO MY WICKED BROWN GLOWING EYES

So now dear reader, get this, as they were leaving she said that I had asked her to help me make ice cream, me?  I remember nothing of the sort.

So a few days later, she sent me the maker.

Damn it, now I can’t say no. Stupid alcohol.

I want to be fair, I have never done this (Well, when I was a kid my dad would make it in my childhood backyard mind) before, not even really an ice cream fan, so?

 I scream, you scream, I scream until my eyes bleed, let’s make homemade blood cream? Shit.

Let’s go wikipedia.com for answers:

Now comes the turn, instead of vodka the viking warrior child “Boo” used a dark rum.

Real Photos by Jen Ja Boo

Look Jen Ja Boo digit

I being stupid said “You went through all that work for no reason, it won’t be noticeably better.”

She said “I can prove it old man”, and did she.

It was then suggested that I leave the room, so happily I adjourned to my room and smoked a bowl.

When I returned there were 3 shot glasses sitting in front of me. Since I had 2 little bottles of genuine imitation vanilla extract in the cupboard and (look at the picture) hers. She had put 1 tablespoon of whole milk into each glass and 1/8 teaspoon of each extract into one of the glasses.

Each one a mystery? Fascinating.

I approach the first and take a sip, nothing. Well it was a lot like a shot of warm milk.

 Let’s jump over to the second. This one had a hint of gasoline and a very old dead body.

The third was well, first thought was if you added a touch of sugar this would be a tasty beverage.. Want to guess which one she made? 

After the comparison test I looked at bottle one, it said best if used before 2018. The second said best by 2016, see where this is going?

I tossed both bottles straight into the proper receptacle. 

Five ingredients in homemade ice cream, 5

Whole milk (not 2 % it makes ice crystals)

Heavy (whipping) cream

Sugar

Egg yolks

Vanilla

Dude, this will be easy! 

No one can make bad ice cream? Come along quietly and I’ll show you how.

You recall those weird roads we were talking about, well off we go. 

I used the New York Times world’s greatest ice cream recipe, kind of. 

If you look at two recipes they will be different, if you look at 20?  they will all be different. Remember it’s only 5 ingredients. Some say 2 cups heavy cream, 1 cup whole milk , some 1 ½ of each or 2 whole milk, 1 heavy cream and so on. Don’t even get me started on sugar all the way from ½ a cup to a full cup. Egg yolks? Anywhere from 4 to get this, 15. In case you want more of a custard. 

Ears leaking the red, red Kroovy yet? Let’s land somewhere in the middle.

I went:

1 and ½ Cups Heavy Cream

1 and ½ Cups Whole (no 2% milk or non-fat) Milk 

4 Egg Yolks

1 Tablespoon “homemade” Vanilla Extract

Somewhere between ½ and ⅔ Cups (couldn’t decide) White Sugar

You are going to need a good stick thermometer.

Heat the cream and milk just to a boil, I heard one weirdo say until “fuzzy” around the edges.

Remove from heat. Stir in your Vanilla

Now I’ll need you to separate 4 eggs yolks, don’t know how? Ask.

BEAUTIFUL

From left to right

Now right to left. No whites! They break down your emulsion.

Next you’ll need to cream your yolks and sugar together, yes do it now, if you do it earlier the two seem to not like each other for very long.

Several ways to achieve this. The 4 star Michelin chef (watched a video) used a standard blender, most folks whisk it by hand. I used an immersion blender (I wonder if this is when it happened) one of “Yeah Right’s” myriad of useful gizmos.

Now wanna be chefs, it’s time to temper those egg yolks, ready?

(Yeah Right took some of these photos, that is clearly my fat ass)

Once when were kids “Yeah Right” got an ice cream cone gave it just one lick and off it fell. Being resourceful and creative he caught it (mint chocolate chip) between his knees.

These people are high paid masters please do not attempt at home.

A MORE REMARKABLE MOMENT IN HISTORY I CAN NOT RECALL

Take the warm milk and cream mixture and slowly add to the yolks, slowly, you go too fast you’ll get scrambled eggs and will have to start again. Gently fold the two together. Now add a little more not too fast bringing the whole thing to the same temperature.

EASY HEATHEN

Then add the mixture back into the cream pan, return to heat and bring the whole mess back to 170 degrees whisking gently. Not 174 not 180, pay attention at this point.

I took mine off (maybe here?) at 169 and moved it straight to an ice bath.

When you guys were off goofing around I got a big bowl and put in two trays of ice and then I used a smaller metal bowl and sat it right on top of the “Ice Bath”

You want to get your mix down to 40 degrees as quick as possible, Cover with plastic wrap and put in the “Kill box 31” overnight.

Now drink until expulsion.

Well get the machine for gripes sake!

Pour the (again with the 200 ideas, some say freeze the metal insert for the machine, seemed to make sense so ((maybe here)) I did) mix into the machine.

Hey is that ice? Go back up to the second photo if in need of clarity.

Now once the frozen insert has got the sacred mix in it and is sealed with included lid and perfectly placed in said machine it’s time for ice and salt.

The easy way to remember is 8 parts ice and 1 part ice cream (yes it matters, I’m running out of patience with this whole thing or I would explain) salt.

Start with ice at the bottom and then salt, another layer of ice and then more salt etc.etc… Be sure to distribute evenly all the way to the top and put the whole damn thing right in your sink, plug in and let her rip, no way this ends well.

DUDE REALLY?

You can go have a hearty pull at this point or just grab a beer. It should take anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes and you’ll know when it’s done because the dang thing will just get up and quit on ya.

IS THAT EDIBLE? CAN I EAT SOME?

IT LOOKS OKAY?

How about with blueberries? Look at the spoon you clearly see milk!

Too warm to serve immediately, lets freeze it. Hell what do I know?

I don’t know what happened, having never done it before I have no reference. I made milk shakes! Tasty enough but not ice cream.

Let’s try to open our minds to new thoughts. Imagine a bowl of cereal and just as you pour on the milk you realize it’s ice cream in the bowl. So now your ice cream floats in a pool (perhaps a drawing here?) of milk.

Quick hint: several recipes said to remove the ice cream from the metal canister that you churned in. I did not, just popped it right in the freezer. The second day I went to see if maybe after 24 hours it may have gotten better, it did not. Think of nickels in your mouth. Real live chemicals in your rotten hole.

Not one person said it was good, no one uttered a single word. I don’t think I will do this again, it sucked, it was expensive and kind of hard to do. Perhaps a sorbet?

perdu pour toujours

Taj/Lar   07/23