This is the problem. Jesus needs to be decisive on the handoff. A deep zone is not Gethsemane. Just run the play as designed by the coach! Everyone wants to play heroball, keeping the ball to the last moment smfh. At least chip the defender with your butt, Christ!
NFL NEWS
From espendeportes:
-The MRI says… Cooper Kupp can come back en algunas semanas. Algunas, of course, means “some”, but in certain contexts can mean “few”. Seeking to clarify the reports, Sean McVay added veremos qué sucede, which means
-SUSPENDED under the conduct policy:
Alvin Kamara (NO) – 3 games
Misses games against TEN (Ed. Note: 🎉🎊), CAR, and GB.
Chris Lammons (HUMPS) – 3 games
D’Wayne Eskridge (SEA) – 6 games
Charles Omenihu (CHEFS) – 6 games
-The February 11, ‘24 Owl, to be played in Las Vegas, Den of Sin, will be broadcast by Nickelodeon. This will be an alternate transmission additional to the normie broadcast, which features a more adult vibe: glorification of violence, narration peppered with shits and fucks, and adultery advocacy. I will stay tuned to this Owl on Nick story if the Pauls go on a playoff run, just to keep tabs on the public relations gymnastics.
Counterpoint: Cleveland… AFC Champion?
-SUSPENDED under the substance policy:
Ronald Jones (NGCP) – 2 games
Reminder: the Dallas RB room has Tony Pollard (ankle surgery on Jan. ’23), Jones, and the following: Rico Dowdle, Malik Davis, and Deuce Vaughn.
Related: What sort of internal meltdown would keep the Iggles from winning the NFC East by Week 13? Is 2023 the year of Dime Magic? OR: could the Commies pose a threat riding the new owner vibes? To the schedule!
Washington starts the season: v. ARI, @ Donks Woo!, v. Bills, @ Iggles, v. Bears, @ Falcons. Go 2-6 or worse, and it’s open purge talk by the new Central Committee and not-that-quiet tanking for the 2024 #1 pick lose-off with Arizona. So yeah, that Week 1 Cards @ Commies has very high stakes.
–Updated player news, from The House Organ. Notables:
Bills activate DT Jordan Phillips, formerly on the purportedly unsuited to partake list.
-Also from THO, according to Sean Payton, QB Russell Wilson and starters will play in the preseason opener. It’s against the Cards on August 11.
Birdcano with hella pop on this post yeah.
-From Fox Sports, the Loins sell out season tickets for the first time in 21 years. Grain of salt, given the Fox stamp. And Detroit NFC North Champ is the hivemind / overexposure of the 2023 offseason. But, OK. I swear to give the Loins a fair chance to whelm me, in spite of knowing they will get creamed by the Chefs on Week 1 given Andy Reid’s record of Ws after only ONE bye week.
, it is a long season and judgment should be withheld. That is the adult mindset.
To be fair, this personal growth was not the product of intellect or honest introspection. I must give credit to the self-help wisdom I found on “Riding Codependence”, later adapted into the musical “Woo Me, Love Me… Eff Meee!”.
-Fox also reported that Niners QB Brock Purdy feels “normal”, meaning his throwing arm (per headline) and feeling disgusted at the communist and pederast agenda of the Biden Crime Family (presumed).
SPROTS TONITE
All times Central.
GRANDES LIGAS
Doyers (Lynn) @ Padres (Hill) – 6:00
TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL
Keepin’ it local tonight.
EE.UU. (Leagues Cup)
FC Dallas hosts Inter Miami CF – 8:30
This game I call it superhero flic character development because Imma shove backstory down your throat foie gras style.
The Miami coach is Gerardo “Tata” Martino, Argentinian. Before he took the Miami job, Martino coached El Tri for the 2022 World Cup. The Mexican press gave him shit from the start because of being an Argentino de m**rd*. Which is seldom half right, as most Hispanics know. After the Mundial debacle in Qatar, the Mexican media, in all platforms, tarred, feathered, beat, burned, pissed on, acid washed, and then shit on the image of Tata Martino.Then, in March of this year, Martino said Mexican league players were overvalued:
In any place in the world, a footballer that has that value internally undoubtedly has that value in the foreign market. I always said having this sensation of living in a parallel market where there is one value inside and outside it does not exist.
The clunky translation’s mine, but here’s the tone in the original Spanish: Mexican league = shit,
Now, in Miami, Martino is in his third stint with You Know Who, whom Martino coached at the Argentina National Team and Barcelona. Miami has been very accommodating to… Him. Hard Rock Café is developing a Messi chicken sandwich, as an alternative to the Messi burger, served since 2021. And Miami also exhumed the bones of Barça’s Sergio Busquets and Jordi Alba to join Team-Leo’s cocoon.
Martino already relied on Messindulgence, and the Miami project presents a tidy go-with-the-multinational-dough-flow, unburdened from the weight of UEFA and the insane fuckheads of national federations. The most pressure Tata would be under is if / when Miami plays Mexican teams at continentals. Like a couple of days from now, in the Leagues Cup. My guess Tata is in the middle of one of those semi-retirement dealies I’ve heard about lately. He’s already in Miami, duh! Huh?
That’s quite the gig. Full respect.
Equal time for Dallas FC, here’s a factoid: its stadium’s Lactating Room is women’s only. Texas!
WOMEN’S WORLD CUP
England v. Nigeria – 2:30 AM
Australia v. Denmark – 5:30 AM
FINALLY,
the slate for Placebo Ball Week 2:
Trouble with the image? Email WhoAskewStudios@🖕🏼.org.
The most drama I see is the Pats vs. Texans, which would allow for poaching or cross-pollinating management types. And the first appearance of the Payton Donks Woo! regime, starring Russ Wilson. Wouldn’t turn on my leper lappy to get a stream of any of them, but wouldn’t mind a peek.
This is the time when the itching starts, but I’m keeping it together. Although I’m getting the feeling that the Bears will be flexed sometime late in the season. Ok maybe I’m not THAT together. Psht, I can ride delusions with intermittent anxieties before and during the apocalypse. In the alternative, narcotics. Por los siglos de los siglos, amén.
Gifs from giphy.com, banner via feminismandreligion.com
Clock strikes midnight for the sexy, sexy Danes. Boo.
GET THEE TO A NUNNERY
Well, that’s likely a game. Great patience there.
Foord doing some heavy lifting on that
rightleft side.She’s built Foord tough
In case you’re wondering this place went fucking nuts when the Matildas scored
Tough way to lose.
Jeebuz-NGR hasn’t hit the net yet.
Anyone (cough Ayo cough) up watching the Matildas?
ENG/NGR are in pennos!!!
Yeah but I’m not at that game
WWL had Nigeria at 44% possession. I’m calling shenanigans.
Nigeria dominating the ball but can’t finish in the box.
Up at 5am on a long weekend Monday? Check.
/cheering for Nigeria, btw
Played another 9 holes today, shot a 55, but ended with a par. I’ll take it!
Nice !
I can’t remember, do you use Golfpad to track scores? Its easier than counting at the end, plus it uses GPS to determine distance to the pin.
I use the GHIN app.
I recommend the VODKA app for warmer days. GIN works better during the cooler days.
Goddamn kids these days. I had typed up something about, “Beware, distance measuring equipment is illegal under Rule 69.Eight-something.” But then I thought, “I should look that up.” Sure enough, it’s legal now.
It’s illegal to use the slope feature in tournament play, but otherwise distance measurement devices are allowed.
Goddamn windmill holes.
Academy Award performance:
Check this out! I just painted this picture. Took me almost two months!
And now I just discovered that Winslow Homer already painted it. Shit.
You should go KICK HIS ASS
You’re gonna need a shovel.
Obviously you’re not a golfer
Two months! What did you paint it with, your toes? My Left Foot, DFO Edition?
I’m watching YouTube fitness videos and one was titled “Giulia has a really impressive snatch”.
She’s an Olympic weightlifter.
Sure it is…
She’s Italian!
It can still be impressive even if a little hirsute…
https://youtube.com/shorts/WzMERN_m68E?feature=share
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/WzMERN_m68E
Speaking of impressive…
“…and you should get a load of her taters, too!”
She’s also an accomplished home cook.
Went to 5 wineries. Since had 3 botttles of wine. We have decided that wine and puloutine are better than being out. Spotify roulette is amazing
Sounds like an excellent day
Usually its just BC Dick and I. Now she knows we legitbsit here, rotate tunes, smoke weed til over. Apparently she is down.
Spotify roulette is the best game
Even if he did have to use his AK once or twice.
Good times!
I don’t know which one of you beautiful people recommended Reservation Dogs but seriously fucking thank you.
That show is incredible.
YW
https://youtu.be/yvhVLo1CiKA
So this is interesting, never seen this on a job application before:
“Alaska Airlines is a nicotine free company. It is a minimum requirement to be free of all nicotine for six months.
Have you used any nicotine products within the last six (6) months (includes e-cigs/vaping, nicotine gum, patches, hookah, or any other source of nicotine)”
Da fuq? Anything about weed?
Nope!
In a day or two I’ll be receiving the last of my unemployment money from the state, very happy I was able to squeeze out the full benefit considering how much I’ve paid into the damn thing over the years
Get a job, deadbeat.
Maybe I should run for president
I’d vote for you instead of Biden.
I’d vote for Zymm ahead of literally any of the declared candidates.
Maybe not RFK, Jr. and those dreamy blue-eyes.
I wish someone would talk him into eating colloidal silver so his skin would turn that color too.
Let’s be honest here – preferring someone to Biden’s a pretty low bar. Hell, the “choices” of late have be so abysmal that people would rather vote for Nixon’s corpse than anyone from the establishment (well, outside of RFK, but he doesn’t seem to have a prayer despite saying mostly the right things).
Me too
Don’t think you have enough indictments yet.
How about a nice stable government job this time?
The Nobel laureates announcing the Dodgers Padres game just said that these same 2 teams will open next season with a game in Korea.
“That’s South Korea, right?”
No motherfucker they’re playing in Pyongyang and the losers have to stay!
Jesus Christ don’t they require at least a functional brain stem to get a job?
Guess that question was already answered.
I guess they could build a new stadium in Koreatown that served delicious Korean ballpark food. Now that I’m thinking about it, I bet kimchi would be really tasty as a hot dog topping!
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that in Koreatown.
Here’s the lineup for your Pyongyang Bombers!
Here’s a fun travel idea for you, sportsfans*: travel from any given “New” city to the “Old” one. New Orleans to France. New Bruinswick to Britain. Newark to Mt Sinai.
*sportsfans of the Right Stuff variety
You just wanted to make an ark joke!
I’m all in favor
I tried to make an art joke once, but due to a typo it ended up being an apt joke, but no one got it.
New York to the Netherlands!
Wait. This league cup bullshit is only Apple+?
Eat shit MLS
Thats why also apple paid so much to help get Messi. Everyone wants to see him, so they figure people will buy subs for that reason.
I’m going to be in New Orleans next Thurs/Fri and Las Vegas the following Thurs/Fri (to place my stupid futures bets!) and annoyingly won’t be able to go to a preseason game on either trip :/
They at least run and have some semblance of skill in the Mexican League. It’s certainly watchable entertainment. Unlike MLS, which is 100% a retirement league/community activity hybrid.
American hyperconsumerism on par with National Cornhole League.
I need some Hippo advice. I’m down to three goofballs. Taking one of them now to handle the anxiety. What’s my next move?
Well, tomorrow is a non-holiday, so you can ask for MOAR goofballs. Do it in the early afternoon, looks less desparate BUT still can get processed before the authorized nurse goes home for the day.
Check your online patient portal, likely can request without that totes awkward phone call.
Take one late morning tomorrow, then save the final for like 3-4 hours before snoozies (in case you have to wait until Tuesday).
In case of a hard “no” – have plenty of freezer vodka at the ready.
Looks like freezer vodka is my only option then. Appreciate your help of a bastard man.
Might want to consider tapering. Break them in half.
Hey! I’m down to my last 3 goofballs also, and I’m not due for a refill until the 12th. But I’ll order a refill tomorrow with a doctor’s permission. How? Just slide the doc a twenty. Done and done.
Lucky! My docs is a prude.
He even provided me a worksheet before the surgery that outlined a regime of Aleve and Tylenol which advised to use those only unless you absolutely needed the fun pills.
I argued with him that they’re called fun pills for a reason, but he wasn’t having any of it,
No use for you at the present, but an interesting read…
https://www.wesjones.com/pollan1.htm
I must have a weird metabolism. Being subject to random drug testing I do not partake (anymore, since around 1982). But when I do get a doctor’s approved shot at it “for up to 10 days” those have no effect on me. They do not even make the Pink Floyd sound better.
I billed 20 LEGITIMATE hours of time this weekend. WAY AHEAD OF YEW on the narco front.
Love seeing Donks WOO! as the only Friday 10p kick, hopefully that means we gets to be LIVE on NFLN.
There’s no military I would serve under, but I would salute that.
I’ll salute this:
That’s a bit uncanny valley
Straight up looks like a RealDoll
It really does. Probably is.
I was going to get a steak at the store and then the selection was awful (lots of those packaged/marinated individual SKIRT steaks).
Doing rack of lamb now.
I hope/expect that you yelled THANKS OBAMA (or THANKS SLEEPY JOE)!!! at the butcher, or the nearest cardboard cutout.
Close. Fell to my knees in front of the live lobsters and cried out for VIVIIIIIIIIIICK!
“En México hay futbolistas que valen 10 millones y afuera no existen”
So much better in Spanish…
“Tenemos que entender por qué Diego Lainez vuelve a México con 21 o 22 años, porqué Santi Muñoz vuelve con 20 o 21 años. Muchas veces se habla de futbolistas que con poca edad o sin haber jugado mucho en primera van a Europa y pocas veces se encienden las alarmas cuando esos futbolistas a los dos o tres años esos futbolistas están de vuelta en México”
He’s not wrong and he’s consistent with other criticism of the Mexican league. The Mexican clubs overvalue their players because they don’t want to lose them. However, the federation wants them to leave so the National Team will get better. When the player leaves (at a high price) the expectations are commensurate with the price tag. Invariably, they fail because they are simply not worth the price. They come back with their confidence shot because they’ve “failed”.
If they were sold as prospects with the appropriate price tag, they would have a better shot at success because their new teams would be more patient with them.
In Spanish this literally means:
jajaja Ohtani