The VOID Starts Its Vacay

For reals, y’all.  WE CAN HAZ FITBAW!!!!!!!!

Starting off (you can slip in until the 10:00 window), you choose between Coventry/Hull (all three promoted clubs could have wins before September, madness) on USA or Everton away to the Cherries (Peacock).  Hippo expects a right hiding, and worries what same will presage for the JV NFL slate.  But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves.

There is also a Spotlight Dance, Geordie Arabia (these toothless fucks AGAIN???) away to almost-equally-unlikeable Spurs (12:30, NBC).  In a new twist, USA is also showing Bundesliga matches this season, starting with BVB hosting the Hamburgers (12:30).  That will help you skip the first JV NFL matchup, which you absolutely should.

Blood FOAR The Bloodeyes Gods (-9.5) v. U*NC – Dublin, IRE (12:00, ESPN)

Look, I love seeing Belicheat and his Tarholes humiliated as much as the next decent mammal.  But there is a CHANCE it don’t play out that way, albeit kind of small.  ANY chance is too much to risk it, especially for a noted jinx like Hippo.  Have a laugh on my behalf, if you must partake.  FUN FACT!  Bloodeyes call their cheer squad “SHOWGIRLS” which doesn’t seem that awfully Christian…but my (sad, old) penis ain’t complaining.

San Jose State (+38.5) at Troi Bois (3:00, NBC)

You’d think maybe they would play this snuff film at night, given how hot it has been in SoCal.  But you’d be wrong.  I guess those song girl sweaters will be…a bit sweaty and clingy???  Good Lord, am I EVAR going straight to hell.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.

NC State (+4) at Wahoowa (3:30, ESPN)

At least the false hope ends quickly this season.  When this fixture was gonna be in Brasil, I thought we’d pull the upset.  In Hooville?  Probably not.  We have a badass quartered back, but Doeren won’t engage “shootout mode” this early in the season.  To predictable Hippo sadeness.

Hawaii (+4) at Stanford (7:00, ACCN)

Has HODOR! fixed his alma mater yet?  Signs point to no.

Memphis (+4.5) at UNLV (10:00, Fox)

Stay up late with Mister Pickle!  He done got BOMBS now, so y’all ought not piss him off.  Tweaker training, inshallah!

There will be lesser footy tomorrow as well, as we ease back into our scheduled sloth.

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MENTAL ILLNESS IS HARDEST ON THE DOGS

     They simply don’t understand, and they worry. My family has one dog. Her name is Marley, her nose is approximately two feet from my left ankle right now, and she is sleeping. If I were to move, rock back in my office chair, stretch, or get up for any reason, though, she would instantly pop up and position herself, expectantly, right at my hip. Marley is a mutt; a combination boxer / pit bull, two of the most affectionate breeds imaginable. That means I get to do corncobs AND I get the kidney bean dance, which is cool. 

     What isn’t cool is not being able to meet her enthusiasm or affection most of the time these days, especially because Monday through Friday from 7:30 to roughly 4:00, it’s just her and me and a bunch of sleeping cats. You see, I was fired from my teaching job in March and charged with assaulting a minor. 

     I don’t know how it all went wrong. It was Friday, school was over, I was home free! I was simply picking my son up from the elementary school like I do every day.

Suddenly, I saw a teacher being physically threatened and verbally assaulted by a student. I interjected and made the situation far worse. I verbally threatened the kid and, when pushed, shoved the kid back.

I was wrong, and unemployment came swiftly, as well as a physical ban from all three school campuses. 

And that’s pretty much how that went. Oh well, at the very least I can say my initial instinct was to stand up for a colleague who was being threatened. I hope he’s doing well.

     Justice, unfortunately, was not as swift, and I spent the better part of the summer awaiting my fate on my mid-July court date. My kids (especially my 14-year old) had their worst summer ever because of me. Finally, the Commonwealth made an offer my attorney advised me to accept, the terms of which will be finalized in one year. I accepted. 

     So now I’m unemployed, banned from my kids’ schools for a year, disappointing three humans, and worrying my dog. I have to figure out a career again, but feel very strongly about making every effort to work alone out of the home from here on in. This is limiting. I’m considering getting certified in coding or some fucking thing that will get me back earning while keeping me off the roads and away from people.

     This is fine, and to be perfectly honest, is more about me at this point anyway. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else has done, anymore. My responses and behaviors are unacceptable and part of taking responsibility and accountability for that is to make every effort to avoid such situations in the first place. So, if I can learn how to punch in code from home and grow a hemorrhoid farm in my ass until we can pay off the house, that’s what I’ll do. 

     I feel alone already anyway, even in public. Every sentence needs to be repeated to everyone so they can tap their ear and say, “what?”, no one gets my references, and the answer when I ask people “have you ever seen” or “have you read” is usually “no”. At my teaching job, even friendly conversations with colleagues filled me with shame and the feeling that my personality had just gotten in a car accident with theirs and I was at fault. 

Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about anymore, either. All I know is my confidence is shot, I need to make money somehow, my dog deserves better, and I feel like crawling into a hole in the ground and pulling a manhole cover over my head most days.

EFL CHAMPIONSHIP – SECOND TIER SHENANIGANS: Matchweek 3

Since Hippo presumably has no use for the 7:30 EPL offering due to the presence of a certain unmentionable Club In Red, might I direct your attention to this morning’s Lesser, Lesser Footy action?

7:30  Paramount + – Middlesbrough vs West Bromwich Albion – West Brom is punching above its weight, and Boro are already carrying a loss they didn’t want. They cannot drop points at home here.

The pick: Middlesbrough (-131)

7:30 CBS Sports Network – Wolves vs Stoke City – If Wolves can collect all three points here, they’ll settle in on the rail nicely with seven points out of nine as the field approaches the quarter pole.Then they can just catch the early season overachievers one at a time and crush them like hot grapes. Stoke stink.

The pick: Wolves (-173)

10:00 CBS Sports Network – Cardiff City vs Sheffield United – Sheffield is playing terrific defense, as is evidenced by the fact that they have yet to concede a goal. The problem is their offense is a dust fart, as is evidenced by the fact that they have yet to score a goal, either. Cardiff City stunned Wrexham with a thrilling direct-kick equalizer at the death, then sleepwalked through a 2-2 draw against Derby County, who had been in poor form. Will Sheffield’s back line dominance continue, or will this aging football commentator, for one, be treated to the sight of a rejuvenated Welsh attack thrusting and bursting through the limpid tentacles of packed Blades defense?

The pick: Correct Score 1-1 (+631)

10:00 Paramount + – Norwich City vs Burnley – Well, well, well! If it isn’t the two teams responsible for West Brom being  in second place. [stares daggers] You know the drill, both teams need it, blah blah blah. 

The pick: OVER 2.5 Goals (-112)

10:00 Paramount + – Southampton vs Millwall – Millwall are beating people and beating people up. Southampton just got absolutely shellacked at home by West Ham mid-week. They still bear a scarlet “-” beside their points total in the table, their own children can barely make eye contact with them, and when they looked at the schedule to see which supporters would  be filling roughly a quarter of their stadium chanting and singing horrible shit at them all day today, they did not need to see “Millwall” next on the sheet. These pretzels are making them thirsty. 

The pick: Millwall (+276)

10:00 Paramount+ – Watford vs West Ham United – Look, I know what I want to happen, and what I think should happen here, so I’ll just write it, walk away, and leave it at that. Piroe should dominate this contest. Castellanos will score again, as will Bowen. Hammers should score goals here, so even if they go soft at the back I am looking at you Konstantinos Mavropanos and Max Kilman then the worst result that should, SHOULD, befall the Hammers would be 2-4 to the good. 

The pick: OVER 3.5 Goals (+175)

Now it’s time to get my beauty sleep so I can wake up and watch all this stuff!

/ six hours pass

The beauty sleep worked! Now go have a cup o’ joe and obsess over your fantasy squads. We’re in the home stretch now…