Slutty Saturday – Underwear Review

A while back, Old School Zero posted a review of Magic Mike XXL that led me down an underwear rabbit-hole from which I am now climbing out of and reporting back to you, dedicated DFO readers.  I do this as a public service and in the hope that it may help you somehow someway.

You see, my username is not just an ode to the Steelers, my favorite team.  It is also an ode to my balls, my favorite twins.  Some men give their penis a nickname or even an actual name.  I, on the other hand, have been happy to go with Itchy and Scratchy.  It just works.

Anyway, my whole life I’ve struggled with being able to find comfortable underwear.  In my youth, my mom bought me tighty whities, but those were, obviously, too tight, specially in the sack area.  I have never liked boxers because there is no support there, my balls stick to my legs, and I might as well be wearing nothing.  So, most of my adult life I’ve been wearing boxer briefs, which have been a necessary but unsatisfying compromise.

The problem, dear readers, is the room in boxer briefs for my sack.  Most boxer briefs you buy in department stores are built out of straight pieces of material which end up pushing your naughty bits back towards your body.  Here is a good example:

There are some other versions of boxer briefs that have a bit of a pouch, but that is still not enough.  Also, they are more expensive.

So, for the longest time, I have been searching, like Don Quixote, for the perfect pair of underwear that will accommodate my balls in a more natural way.

What does this have to do with OSZ’s post, you say?  Ah, I was getting to that.  You see, OSZ’s post featured this image:

which floored me.  Here was some underwear that predominantly featured a nice pouch for my junk!  They looked comfortable as hell so I asked in the post where one could get such underwear.  You know, for a friend.  Meanwhile, I googled and found Andrew Christian underwear.  OSZ also responded and mentioned a store in Portland where he buys his undies and also mentioned Aussie Bum, another brand.  Off to the Google machine I went!  I bought two underwears from Andrew Christian and two from Aussie Bum.  All four have arrived and I have tried them all, so here is my review:

Underwear #1 – Andrew Christian Almost Naked Sports Brief

What the description says: Our bestselling take on the classic brief is back, the Almost Naked Sport Brief is sportier and sexier than ever! We’ve brought it back in three new, classic colors, and you’ll need all of them. Our Andrew Christian waistband is sporty and will reduce the appearance of your waistline. Wearing this pair will feel like you’re not wearing any underwear at all. It’s revolutionary hang-free design is anatomically correct with no hidden cups, straps or padding, and gives you extra room in front, just where you need it. When you pull them on, your package falls naturally into the super soft snuggle pocket to create a truly enjoyable unique wearing experience. Virtually eliminates sticking, squashing, re-adjusting, sweating and chafing. Constructed from super soft rayon made from bamboo fiber makes this one of the nicest feeling briefs you will own. The neon colors glow super bright under black light…great for the club!

My impression: It really does feel like you are wearing nothing at all.  My junk hangs down like if I was wearing nothing, but at the same time is comfortably covered by soft breathable material.  I had no issues with balls sticking to legs or ball sweat.  The only downside was that this is the sports brief and the leg openings were a little tight on me.  I’m hoping they loosen up with use.

Rating: 8.3 out of 10.

Underwear #2 – Andrew Christian Almost Naked Tagless Boxer (the blue one on the left)

What the description says: Because you love it so much, we’ve brought back the best-selling Almost Naked Tagless Boxer in new prime colors to flatter that prime ass. It’s just the ultimate in comfort. With our anatomically correct pouch, your package falls naturally into the super soft snuggle pouch to create a truly enjoyable unique wearing experience. Our pouch virtually eliminates sticking, squashing, re-adjusting, sweating and chafing. The waistband features our Ultra Slimming Elastic with extra stretch to reduce the appearance of your waistline. We dare you not to look amazing in these.

My impression: These were better than the sports brief in some ways and worse in others.  Again, it really does feel like you are wearing nothing at all. This time, the leg opening was not an issue.  The stitches around the leg were not as strong, so there was a little more give.  The material is still super soft and comfortable. The only downside is that they do highlight the fact that I have a gut I need to lose; more so than the sports briefs.  I’m still not clear on why that is, but it must be the design.

Rating: 8.7 out of 10.

Underwear #3 – Aussie Bum WJ Pro

I must admit, when I first put these on, I put them on wrong and it was a bit painful.  I finally figured out the reason:  These have a pouch that is located higher up than the Andrew Christian underwear, which starts at the perineum.  What this means is that you have to grab your entire package, lift it, and then slip it inside the pouch.  The result is the picture you see above.  It also means that the Aussies were paying attention to Mr. Garrison:

http://southpark.cc.com/clips/152311/teacher-training

What the description says:  You know, it’s probably best just to show you this video:

My impression: It is hilarious how much I am aware of my junk.  It is seriously OUT THERE.  Once I got over the initial fuckup in putting them on, they are actually quite comfortable.  Having the pouch higher up is what makes the outward projection.  You just have to remember every time you put them on to grab your junk and put it carefully in the pouch.  After that, you really don’t think about it much.  Except that you think you are going to poke someone with your penis from ten yards away.  Also, this underwear is probably heaven for the stereotypical East Coast white boys that grab their junk and say Fuggetaboutit.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10. (Add one point if you love to grab your junk)

Underwear #4 – Aussie Bum Enlarge It

Not content with feeling like you can poke someone with your penis from 10 yards away?  ENLARGE IT

What the description says:  Again, why use words when video says it much better?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCqGHeB8rSQ

My impression: Funnily enough, my package feels smaller while wearing this underwear than with the WJ Pro.  It does not stick straight out like with the WJ Pro and I do not feel like I can cause damage to faraway objects.  It is made out of softer material and the stitching feels a little looser, so there is a lot more give.  As shown in the video, there is a lot more bounce.  There is still plenty of room for my junk and it is still quite comfortable.  On the downside, the front waistband slopes down, so it highlights the aforementioned gut that needs to go.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10.

Overall impressions:

I am quite happy with all of my purchases.  Some fit better than others, but there were none that I had to take off due to discomfort and never wear again, which has happened in the past. I still have not found the perfect pair of underwear, but these have come the closest yet.  I may need to experiment some more and try different styles.  As for the brands, I definitely like the material Andrew Christian uses better.  The fact that they cater specifically to gay men doesn’t matter to me. Also, I have found out that they have a factory store within 10 minutes of my house that offers 50% off all underwear all the time, which is great.  On the other hand, I got a coupon for $10 off my next order when I got my Aussie Bum underwear and they came pretty quickly after I ordered them directly from Australia.  I have to say that I do enjoy the feeling of having my junk feel like it’s OUT THERE.  Both companies also sell bathing suits, but I’m not ready for that yet.  I still have a gut to lose…