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THE 9 CIRCLES OF LEASTS

Duchess

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This isn’t Duchess’ Inferno. If anything I am Virgil, here to guide you on a tour… well o.k. probably I am more akin to Virgin since this is my first time.

First Circle (Limbo) – the Kommunity. Limbo is a place for people who would have had a great day/week had something bad not happen to them. Say a horrible injury during a game before they can get started. Needless to say, this spot has a standing reservation for RGIII. However, today this place is for us all. May we all find some way to find catharsis in the KSKocalyps. Thank you to Darkest Timeline Zach Morris for allowing me to get mine.

Second Circle (Lust) –  Tom Brady’s Broken Phone. The last time an incident with a phone spurred this many comments and controversy it was nicknamed the Fappening.

Third Circle (Gluttony) – Sheldon Richardson. You know it wouldn’t be a 9 circles if it didn’t have at least one Jet player Jetting it up. 143 MPH? I guess we should just be happy that a public figure got pulled over with a 12 yr old in his car and nothing too bad happened.

Fourth Circle (Greed) – Russell Wilson’s windfall. I am not saying Russell Wilson doesn’t deserve to get paid, he does, but $60MM guaranteed? That is “Call it a day, sit back like your name is Kaepernick” money.

Fifth Circle (Anger) – Pats fans… #Ballgahzi

Sixth Circle (Heresy) – Peter King. Seriously, this guy reported Russell Wilsons contract signing by saying it was “A smidge less than Aaron Rodgers”. Smidge? Who writes this stuff? Peter, if the word Smidge could talk he would tell you he is embarrassed to be associated with that tweet.

Seventh Circle (Violence) -… I just beg you not to read any PFT comments about Jen Welter.

Eight Circle (Fraud) – Redskin’s PR Department. I don’t know how you are going to try to spin signing Galette. “We think he will go after the Quarterback with as much intensity and ferocity as he did that woman on the beach.”

Ninth Circle (Treachery) – Goodell  Uproxx. Yesterday, I was pissed about the banning of Sill and was thinking that at least KSK was still in existence. Then today, like many here, I felt like my dog got run over and the neighbor kid kicked me in the shin all while getting hit in the balls with a baseball. I don’t want to turn this into a TWIFY. I just want Uproxx to know that for now they are worse than Goodell.

In closing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc

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Sill Bimmons

So we got these going for us.

Which is nice.

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Sep

THAT’S how you hustle on this, our most infamous day!

/slaps Duchess’ ass, hard

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Duchess

True story…

GF and I were talking about getting a dog. I suggested a Corgi and wondered if there is a Corgi Poodle mix to get rid of all the shedding. She hits up google and says “I don’t think they exist because all I am seeing are drawings of corgis.”… She was googling Corgi Doodles.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Or you could just have some nice kugel.

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Martin

Corgi Friday may return, but that’s not my department.

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laserguru

I’ve always loved these.
Nice job, Duchess.

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trollsoharduniversity

Those bastards went to Ape’s goodbye post and unlinked to the reprint of the banned budlightghazi post. Fuckers.

Also, anytime I posted “FREE SILL BIMMONS” in the komments, it never got posted.

Hint: kommenting “FREE SILL” and then replying “BIMMONS” will get through

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Duchess

I believe they have an algorithm that moderates banned user names.

You also cannot name Rill or Nat

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I referred to “Nat Turner” and “Rill” several times and it stuck.

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His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Anyone still going to visit Film Drunk? It’s still a quality site.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’ll read Vince’s reviews, but that’s it.

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Duchess

It’s hard to get to now since they default to Uproxx movies with those posts. I always liked Vince’s reviews especially when I disagree with him.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Vince’s reviews are great. With KSK crashing down, he’s likely the sole reason to stop by Uproxx now.

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WCS

You mean you won’t be stopping by for Dustin’s 530,914 word diatribe on how it’s the reverse vampires in league with Osip who intentionally led Frank to the Wolves in order to have Caspere killed because he knew it was actually the Irish who was the Yellow King, despite the fact that Stan was actually working with Teague Dixon, who had the blue diamonds long before the saucer people had a chance to set the police up before the shootout?

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Duchess

You forgot about the lawn being mowed.

Seriously though before I clicked on KSK i made a comment about how the Irish joke will out last everyone at Uproxx.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

In the far future, when mankind is long gone from this barren planet and the sun is rapidly expanding as it prepares to go nova and destroy the entire solar system, two cockroaches will witness the devastation.

They will turn to one another and say, “It was the Irish.”

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Horatio Cornblower

They’ll probably be right. Christ my people will blow up anything.

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Old School Zero

That makes more sense than the actual show does.

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Duchess

Of Course it does… it wasn’t written by Dustin.

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Croooow

What would be the worst of the bunch? Warming Glow?

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His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Since Ufford left, it deteriorated rapidly. Kurp just doesn’t have it and Rowles just pulls shit out of his ass. Only one worth a damn is Danger.

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Wakezilla

Oh it’s Warming Glow and it’s not even close. However, if Uproxx Sports is actually supposed to be a sports site and it just killed KSK, I might have to reconsider. The sports coverage on Uproxx Sports is atrocious.

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Horatio Cornblower

Warming Glow is useful only for the comments on shows like True Detective or Sons of Anarchy, where everyone hates on Dustin. Other than that it’s a shithole.

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Duchess

Half the time I wonder if Dustin doesn’t actually exist, but is a satire… but than i realize he’s not he’s dead serious.

It just doesnt seem like he watches the shows he is writting about. It would be like me writing about hockey.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Yeah, other than Vince’s reviews it’s kinda rough. This Week in Posters, You’ll Never Guess Who Is Joining the Cast of X, and Porn Is Respectable We Swear

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ballsofsteelandfury

But it IS respectable!

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Door_Matt

I will say, for the record, that I did defend UPROXX during the Commeghazi scandal when it first broke. Some guy seemed like he was hot taeking about a comment getting deleted, and I trolled him… Turns out I was the one who got trolled!

THANKS FOR NOTHING UPROXX!

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SurlyDuff

Redskin’s PR Department. I don’t know how you are going to try to spin signing Galette

Snyder was really impressed by how he dealt with the local natives.

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Duchess

He’s a real whipper snapper

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Sep

#BuckleDown

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Smithchez

I’ve been told this is a proper place to make dick jokes. Hopefully I was not misinformed. With my sadness over the events of this morning, combined with saying goodbye to KSK as we know it, I felt a username change was in order. And what better name to represent Jets fans than a chimera of shitty quarterbacks.

As for the post, very well done, Duchess. It takes a massive fuckup to knock his high holy gingerness out of that treachery spot.

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WCS

Genochise! Our power grows stronger by the day!

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Door_Matt

I think if you were to have a crowd chant that in a stadium you might thing they’re shouting genocide… Which would be totally worth hearing the TV announcers try to deal with it.

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Smithchez

Luckily that’s way too long of a word for the average Jet fan to spell out loud.

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laserguru

Damn glad you made it. Welcome!

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Me rikey.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Awesome work! I’m so glad to have these here. They were some of my favorite komments to read. I hope you keep these up on a weekly basis. At the very least as a recap of the week that was.

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Duchess

Thank you, With a blog post I can go into some further detail. In the comment section, I felt confined and worried a block of text would become a “TL;DR”

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Old School Zero

Went to an Uproxx Sports post about Tebow and typed in “GET FUCKED”. Went back a few minutes later and it’s been deleted.

Cowards.

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Duchess

Should have told them to “Get Bent” or at least “Eat Your Shorts”

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Old School Zero

I went back and left something about how creating #content must make all his student debt worth it and KSK unnecessary. At this point, I’m open to getting banned on principle.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why go back?

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Old School Zero

The leprechaun on my shoulder is telling me to burn things.

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Senor Weaselo

They can eat all our shirts!

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

You forgot to add #TOTINO’SPIZZAROLLS

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makeitsnowondem

“Look, I don’t know how many times I’ve explained this…”

— Tim Tebow

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Old School Zero

oh goddamnit

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WCS

Sure, this was written about Reagan/Bush I, but, the lyrics could just as easily be applied to Uproxx right now. #UpForWhatever

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N52iZhPugXo

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Always preferred this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AuyPnxqhH4

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