Your Tuesday Vuelta Champions League Open Thread

In Spanish,  whenever there are two legs in a tie,  they all always call the return leg La Vuelta.  The first leg is always La Ida.

Now that your Spanish lesson is over,

TO THE GAMES!

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Roma v Shakhtar Donetsk (1-2 Aggregate)

Balls: The Ukrainians got the win at home but Roma got a vital road goal. I have a feeling that it will decide the tie.  It’s too bad because I like rooting for underdogs and the Ukrainians seem to be underdogs in damn near everything.  To make it worse, I don’t know anyone outside Rome that likes Roma.  Hell, not even all the people in Rome like Roma!

Predizione:  Roma somehow find a way to score one goal and the Ukrainians can’t find a way to get the equalizer and the aggregate win.  Call it a 1-0 home win and the Ukrainians go back to their ultra hot women to lick their…wounds.

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Hippo:  I have no idea what to expect, but I hate Roma even MOAR than I hate the Russian-controlled parts of Ukraine-not weak.  I shall let hate/bias carry the day.

Predizione:  Roma has a late goal flagged for offside, the city burns.  (0-0 Draw, Shakhtar 2-1 aggregate)

Litre: I am just happy that at least one of these teams will get through to the next round. I kind of like Roma although I visited there when there were no fans allowed at the Stadio Olympico except for those holding a Roman ID. Probably due to the cop getting killed in Sicily the week before.

Predizione: This one seems like it is destined foar kicks. (2-1, Roma, Italians win in kicks)

Don T: Whenever I hear “Roma” in English, I think of:

1. The proper term for the ethnic group;
2. That boring AF Fellini movie that turned me off completely from him; and,
3. Francesco Totti jokes—basically Polish jokes, at Totti’s expense.

Go Shaktar!

Predicción: Roma 1 – 1 Shaktar Donetsk (Shaktar advances 3-2 in aggregate)

Manchester United v Sevilla (0-0 Aggregate)

Balls:  Neither team scored in Spain, which really speaks to English impotence in Europe.  There is probably a greater metaphor/social commentary about English colonialism and Gibraltar in there somewhere.  However, this is a footy preview, so I’ll bypass the extended analysis. Look, everyone knows I’m not a big fan of English teams, especially when they play in European competitions.  I did get a hearty laugh out of Tottenham’s embarrasing exit last week even though I TOTALLY CALLED IT!

The key difference, though, is that Juventus is a hell of a good team and Sevilla… is not.  They are perfectly cromulent and are actually 5th in La Liga, but they’re 11 points from 4th and 27 points from Barcelona.  That’s as good an indication of their level as any.  Man U are 2nd to Man City but they are 13 points behind and I absolutely loathe Jose Mourinho so if you think I’m going to say anything nice about them, you must have tapped into Hippo’s drug supply.

Predicción: A dry and boring 1-0 home win and England gets yet another undeserving team in the next round.  I really want Sevilla to score 1 goal and take the tie on away goals, but I just don’t think they have it in them.  Please prove me wrong!

Hippo: One knows Romelu Lukaku shall score again, all will look done and dusted for Manure into the Round of 8.  But somehow, Sevilla will break through in the 80th minute or later.  Fuck those motherfuckers, right in the fuckhole(s).

Predicción: Glorious and heartbreaking (1-1 Draw, Sevilla 1-1 aggregate, advances on away goal)

Litre: I love the fact that the first leg was nil nil. The only players that I recognize is Nolito and N’Zonzi so maybe they bang in a road goal and then send the Mancs packing. Hwever we all know what is going to happen here and it will not please those of us around the clubhouse who enjoy teh futbol.

Predicción: It is going tofollow a script like this. Man U scores, Sevilla scores, Man U scores 2 more times. (3-1 Man U, because we can’t have nice things)

Don T: I hate both teams. Hate Mourinho above all. Stupid windbag.

This smells like a slog.

Predicción: ManUre 0 – 0 Sevilla (ManU goes through on PKs) Everything sucks.