Your “Lots of Noise But Nothing Really” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Nick Mangold will sign a one-day contract next week & retire as a NY Jet.
    • He spent 11 years with the Jets.
    • He will likely spend time preparing his sister for the 2020 Olympics.
Before she’s signed to the Seahawks O-line.
  • If reports are true, we’ve been saved from Brett Favre in the Monday Night booth.
    • He apparently failed his audition alongside new play-by-play man Joe Tessitore.
    • Potential or actual tryouts have also been extended to Rex Ryan, Anthony “Booger” McFarland, Jason Witten and Greg Olsen, and the wish list is also said to include Kurt Warner, Matt Hasselbeck, Louis Riddick, and recently retired Browns tackle Joe Thomas.
      • Peyton Manning turned the job down prior to anyone else being considered.
        • “♫ No-one wants to-call bad games.♫”
  • Aaron Rodgers is reportedly frustrated at not even being notified of offensive personnel changes.
    • Especially when it came to cutting Jordy Nelson & replacing his QB coach.
    • The assertion is that he thinks “he should have earned a voice by now” when it comes to the team’s major personnel decisions.
  • The Bucs have exercised the 5th-year option on Jameis Winston.
    • It’s sad to see someone trapped in a $20.922 million contract.
      • Still – it’s a lot of crab legs.
  • Adidas has signed on to become a Kaepernick ad client if he ever resumes his playing career.
    • Which adds fuel to his collusion case, because he can attract sponsors but not job offers.
    • He showed up at 345 Park today to depose Roger Goodell & other NFL executives.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Capitals at Blue Jackets – 7:30PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet360 (CBJ up 2-0)
    • Jets at Minnesota Wild – 8:00PM | CNBC / Sportsnet (Jets up 2-1)
    • Vegas at Kings – 10:30PM | NBCSN / CBC (Vegaup 3-0)
  • NBA:
    • Wizards at Raptors – 7:00PM | TSN
    • Bucks at Celtics – 8:00PM | TNT
    • Pelicans at Trail Blazers – 10:30PM | TNT / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Indians vs. Twins – 7:00PM | FS1
    • Royals at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
      • second-half of a twi-night double header
  • MLS:
    • 2018 CONCACAF Champions League: Final – Leg #1: Toronto FC vs. Chivas
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA (delayed to Wednesday in Canada – hockey)
      • Day 2 of the “Superstar Shake-up”

I find out in the next two weeks if they’re:

  1. Keeping my school program,
  2. Relocating my program, or
  3. Closing my program & putting me back in a regular stand-up classroom.

Dammit – I’M TOO OLD TO RETRAIN!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

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Wakezilla

I’d love an army of Raccoons.

Horatio Cornblower

That time H.P. Lovecraft went cute, before his editor told him to knock it off.

Unsurprised

I need to stop procrastinating

Mr. Ayo

Plenty of time tomorrow for that

Unsurprised

Indeed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m sorry, but this is still fucking hilarious IMHO.
(credit to Moose once again)
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I made my last drink a tad stronger than I thought.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Nailed my day to a T

Senor Weaselo

Well that might be the highlight of my day. In fairness it’s tomorrow here though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

I can take a couple off your hands.

Fronkenshteen

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Mr. Ayo

Kings falling to Knights. What a wild chess match.

Senor Weaselo

I believe that it’s notated Nxe4#

theeWeeBabySeamus

You would think the Kings would have gotten used to the “L” movement and adjusted. Because the Knight moves in a pattern that’s “L” shaped. And the Kings saw a lot of L’s this week and should have adjusted…. And, and sooooo…..

Never mind. I’ll show myself out.

Mr. Ayo

Nerd. smgdh

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How the fuck is it only Tuesday?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yes, I knew Barbara Bush.” – Barbara Bush’s bush barber.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ohhhhh…just missed the empty netter. I was actually leaning to make it swerve.

Sorry LA,. Nothing personal.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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More of a normal afternoon, pal.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Feel the burn

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s a Trevor Siemian / Multiple Miggs joke there but someone already made it.

Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus

While I’ve been in that stadium multiple times, and have in fact eaten more than my fair share of Bojangles’ chicken sandwiches, I swear this is not me.

I’ve never masturbated with a sandwiich* and I’ve never thrown my semen at anyone who wasn’t fully consenting.

* Hypothetically might not exclude instances of eating a sandwich while masturbating.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ve never thrown my semen at anyone who wasn’t fully consenting (on purpose anyway).

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry again man. That’s what you get for sneaking up on me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

I’d ask how do you even do that, do you use the mayo as lube or something, but I don’t actually want to know, and considering my friends and I made “dripping red condiment” jokes for much of the evening (it involved a stadium bucket o’ chicken and fries) I feel like don’t get to talk.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DON’T FUCKING PRETEND YOU’VE NEVER FUCKED A CHICKEN SANDWICH!

Wakezilla

I just heard Barbara Bush died. She always had a misleading name because it was more of a landing strip.

Spanky Datass

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Don T
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

I should eat

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m probably gonna reheat leftover Chicken Piccata from last night. Eventually.

I was just standing in the kitchen trying to decide on orzo or rice with it. I couldn’t decide, so I opened another beer instead.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“…naked crackhead literally running the speed of a moving car and I use the term literally literally he was deadass keeping up with the car…”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, at least after tonight the Staples Center employees will get some vacation time.

(it’s funny you see, because the Lakers and Clippers both suck and will not be in the playoffs)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, they might still need a few folks there for the coupla dozen season ticket holders who show up this summer I guess.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

True story: The Liberty’s marketing motto mantra whatever this past season was #ShowUp. Which is both funny and sad.

Truer story: I would say “I wouldn’t go to x place even if you paid me,” but I did indeed go to a WNBA game because they indeed paid me. And Jim Dolan saw me as he was walking/carting by and yelled “good job!” It is also the first recorded instance of my now famous bow flick.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nice work, Kings. I have seen royalty that were so thoroughly defined by their inability to score since Elizabeth I.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

HI-YOOOOOOOOO!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, time to go be productive.

Question….

Do you guys think BeerBoyRaoul would be pissed if I wrote Goddess II such that his dogs get rabies and attack everyone?

Yeah, probably.

WCS

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Not the best idea.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I presume that to mean you agree that I shouldn’t do it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those people need to be murdered in a painful manner.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They really do.

Unsurprised

The Romney family dog.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh I wasn’t really gonna do it.

I already told you what was gonna happen with the kids. We need them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh. That bourbon tastes nice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What’s the NHL record for the fewest goals scored in a playoff series? Are the Kings going to beat it?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Looked it up, nope.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bourbon time?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

/looks at watch
//realizes not wearing watch

Yes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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This woman has an odd fetish; but we are not here to judge, lest our odd fetishes be judged.

Spanky Datass

I and the moth that died in my Bourble earlier are way ahead of ya. *hic-ups*

Wakezilla

Me: Happy Birthday mother in law, we’re taking you out for dinner. What do you feel like?

MIL: Fish, shrimp, seafood, really.

/I make reservations at a very good seafood restaurant.

/Mother-in-law sits down, sees the prices

MIL: I can’t have seafood.

……….

Why do I even fucking bother. We ended up eating at Starbucks.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It could be worse. You could have killed MIL’s cat. Yes, I once killed my former MIL’s cat. Well, technically it died under anesthesia because it was an old unhealthy piece of shit cat which also happened to have diabetes and cancer. But it was also a mean piece of shit cat.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT THAT CAT THRU SURGERY!!!!!!!!

She hated me (even more) after that. Like it’s my fault her shitty cat was 20 years old and dying already. Meh, I didn’t much care for her either.

She also never paid me for the surgery.

Family sucks.

theeWeeBabySeamus

FWIW, she got a new cat. Which I managed to not kill while spaying it.

She never paid me for that either, though.

*sigh*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So in a porn one of the lines was “Yep, I just MURDERED my MIL’s pussy!”

I think I know what really happened.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Jesus. That’s brutal.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Admittedly, it wasn’t the most fun conversation I’ve ever had.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, at least they didn’t call the cops on you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Fly the L, baby!!!

/may not get to say that again this season, at least not in Wrigley 😀

//seriously only happened ONCE all last goddamed season

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The NBCSN app is telling me that “coverage will resume shortly”. If it had a better sense of humor it would attribute that quote to Chris Conte.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If it had a really sophisticated sense of humor it would attribute it to Doug Martin.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“PUBFT!”

-Glenn Milburn

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s way to far down the depth chart to be funny.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just because I don’t get it personally doesn’t mean it’s not funny. It’s a little thing we call “credibility”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Credibility?? His name is Glyn!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Blazers-Pelicans? Ugh. Guess it’s more hockey for me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

Woah. That’s not possible.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit, now I gotta watch the next game too I guess.
Sonofabitch.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehe…that cat is like “WTF is this shit????”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“I CAN FUCKING FLYYYYY BITCHES!!”

-That one chicken.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: Fetch me another Cuban Breeze, Gret…

GRETCHEN: YOU STUPID RUMMY I ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE THAT YOU’RE OUT OF COKE.

RIKKI: [cracks open a Guinness]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Get your own. I’m busy.
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Senor Weaselo

Well I’m on the train back from the Dirt Giants game. Probably one of the worst games I’ve been to, as it had it all, cold, wet, getting blown out by a bad team, and not a position player pitching.

And that might have been the highlight of the day!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Newark Airport, you suck

theeWeeBabySeamus

Newark Airport, you suck

FTFY

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What about Amsterdam airport?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dammit Caps, just lose already so I can move on and begin the healing?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Waiting foar the obligatory “Balls and tWBS on the road” joke.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass

Welp, OK. “Balls and tWBS pull up to the body painting tent at Coachella… mirth ensues”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mirth and Girth; On the Road Again?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Looks like somebody ate Leticia.

Phrasing.

Brick Meathook

I’m being initiated into a secret society right now, at this very moment. I’m sitting on a block of ice waiting to be branded. Once I’m in, though, I can get great rates on insurance and annuities. Gotta go now…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Here we go…PP will end it.
Seems apropos.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I think the Caps are colorblind. They obviously can’t see the big blue line tonight.

Gratliff

OT has looked like the Blue Jackets vs. an NHL goalie and 5 of his friends from the bar

theeWeeBabySeamus

I would agree, only I’m not sure they’re his friends.

Yeeesh, this is ugly.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You’d never see that happen to me.” – Jim Irsay, holding a bag of Blue Sky.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass

Just finished washing a few dishes, looked up and spied a small dead moth in my drink. Death by Bourble seems like an honorable way out.

litre_cola

Ice Bombers win wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

and betting against MLS in a “marquee” moment worked, PRAISE GAMBLOR!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Why do I always end up sitting behind this chick at the movies?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Probably because you keep ignoring the restraining order she took out and have been following her.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

cuein’ up the lolcaps

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pour me another Cuban Breeze, Gretchen.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[gives Rikki’s supply of coca-cola the goodbye look] – Gretchen

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

YOU GET AN OVERTIME! AND YOU GET AN OVERTIME! EVERYONE GETS AN OVERTIME!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You sound like the manager at an Amazon warehouse.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh yay, 20 moar minutes of torture coming up.

Mr. Ayo

You really think it’ll last that long?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Whoa….flashback to my last sexual encounter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

@Brick Meathook (or anyone else who knows)…

I connect thru MDW on my way out next month. How much of a pain in the ass is that compared to O’Hare? I’m hoping for less, but expecting more.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow…what a dickhead.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve connected through Midway in the past and it was fine. The airport is small and if it’s a Southwest flight, the gates are close together.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good. Because I hate O’Hare.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

Hey I went to a Capitals game their inaugural year when they set a record for losing. I’ve hated them ever since.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

I think that bridge is on my hood.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Your car is UUUUUUUGE..

ballsofsteelandfury

Dammit, autocorrect!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Obligatory Florida joke.
Too soon?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that’s damn good.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m feeling some hate for ’em right now myself, actually. LOL

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sorry, had a burrito for lunch.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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