[kid’s entertainer walks onto stage to rabid applause]

Entertainer: “HELLO OUT THERE, ALL MY LITTLE POOPSTERS!”

Audience: “HELLO CAPTAIN SHITSTAIN!”

C-Stain: “Oh! It’s so lovely to see all my friends. There’s Dookie in the front row.”

[camera pans to excited child wearing a “Don’t Shit Where You Eat” t-shirt]

C-Stain: “Boy, have I got a wonderful surprise for you today. But first, let’s read the headlines in The Daily Excrement.”

Audience: “YAY!”

C-Stain: [sits down behind cheap imitation of a news desk, dons visor that has #2 in bold letters, speaks in serious voice] “The headlines are as follows. The state of politics in our country? Still shit. Popular culture? Still shit. The environment? Really shitty. Tuition fees? Remarkably shitty. Real estate market? Shitty beyond belief. These have been this week’s news headlines.”

Audience: “AWWWW!”

C-Stain: “But remember, dung bunnies, I still have a surprise for you. But first let’s go to the “Wheel of Stool” sponsored by Waste Management, to find out which personality we’ll be profiling.”

Audience: “SPIN. THAT. TURD.”

C-Stain: [spins] Wow!. Look at that-Deuce McAllister. Huh. [thinks to self, “I’ve been at this a year and a half and Kaka still hasn’t come up!”] Well, food babies, THE DEUCE! played nine seasons for the Saints and rushed for over 6,000 yards averaging 4.3 yards per attempt!”

Audience: “Ooooooooo!”

C-Stain: “You’ve been so patient and now you’re going to be rewarded… with a preseason football game!”

Audience: “BOOOOOOOO!!!”

C-Stain: “Calm down, calm down. [smiles] Did I forget to mention that one of the teams playing is… THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!”

Audience: [erupts] “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

C-Stain: ” Why don’t we go … TO THE GAME!”

Audience: [raucous cheering]

PHILLY/CLEVELAND: [grumbles] You know how I feel.