[Scene: Interior of a Temple in Bristol, Connecticut. Eight large men are gathered in the first two rows, speaking reverently in hushed tones.]

Nate Ebner: Good Yontiv, boys!

Mark Herzlich: Gmar Tov, and I hope everyone is having an easy fast. Good Yontiv.

Geoff Schwartz: Thanks to everyone for coming today. As you all know, my brother and I thought it would be fun to pull together a group of Jewish NFL players to observe Yom Kippur together.

Mitchell Schwartz: That’s right, and though it took a lot of time to get Goodell to agree not to fine us for skipping practice on a day we’re mandated to fast, we finally prevailed and are delighted to have you join us in this mitzvah of commemorating the High Holidays together.

Taylor Mays: Thanks for including me. I know a lot of guys are surprised to learn that I’m Jewish, and it’s great to be able to pray with other members of the tribe that understand the rigors of the NFL as well.

Speaking of not understanding things, where is Edelman? He better not have hooked up during Kol Nidre services again. If Sandy Koufax could miss a World Series start in honor of the holiest day of the year, Edelman could refrain from playing hide the salami.

Ali Marpet: Even if he does show, we’re still one short for a minyan.

/TEMPLE DOOR FLIES OPEN

Julian Edelman: I’m here, boychiks, ready to dress up in costumes and curse Haman’s name for trying to kill our people so many years ago. Let’s get wrecked and remember our survival!

Shit, Edelman, how concussed are you? That’s Purim. We’re fasting and atoning for our sins today.

Oh. Then if it’s cool with you, I’m just going to sit down and talk to this pretty brunette.

/puts arm around a support beam.

Ok, come on, we need to find a tenth to start the service. What about Robbie Gould?

Shockingly, not a Jew.

Adam Podlesh?

What, are you just focused on Bears special teamers? Regardless, he’s Jewish but not currently on a roster.

Gabe Carimi: Wait, we have to be on an active roster to be here?

Uh, given the numbers, and the fact you’re already here, I guess we’ll make an exception.

Brian de la Puente: I guess that goes for me, too. I’m still hoping to catch on this season, but since the Bears and I parted ways, well it’s been tough.

Wow, apparently the Bears have signed a lot of Jewish players to keep that Sid Luckman legacy alive. Fine, not a LOT of players, but a high percentage of Jewish NFL players have been with the Bears. Anyway, what about Greg Camarillo?

Retired.

Shit. Um, Sage Rosenfels?

Out of the league since 2011.

/TEMPLE DOOR FLIES OPEN

Robert Kraft: I hear you boys are one shy of a minyan!

Mr. Kraft, good yontiv, and thanks for offering to help, but we were really hoping to do this with just players.

And I was really hoping that prick Putin wasn’t going to steal my Super Bowl ring. Not unlike Russia’s foreign policy, the number of Jews in the NFL isn’t changing that much any time soon so let’s get going.

He’s right, and we don’t have a lot of time left if we’re all going to make it back to our home cities for practice tomorrow morning. So let’s go right to the vidui, or confessional part of the service. One of the many traditions we have is to recite the ashamnu, an acrostic poem listing the sins we have committed over the course of the year. Judaism teaches us that these transgressions do not define us, but rather give us an opportunity to learn and grow. Similarly, we confess as a community, to both provide anonymity to each and to take collective responsibility for our moral failings. Let us recite together our alphabet of woe for the NFL, not just for us players, but for the coaches, owners, broadcasters, and fans.

We atone for:

Avarice, as represented by the billions bilked from taxpayers to build stadia that help rich owners get richer
Blasphemy, as we pray at the altar of THE SHIELD when we should put more faith in ha’shem
CTE, which we inflict on ourselves and our brothers while pursuing the next big check
Drunkedness, even when as used to dull the pain that comes with playing the game is no excuse for the behavior of the Leonard Littles of the league
Envy, as we pine for the income tax-free states ahead of free agency
Flags, which we draw constantly on nationally televised games, grinding play to a halt
Gingervitis, that we have failed to overcome by allowing the current commissioner’s tyrannical rule to persist
Hate, for our rivals, for our owners, for our players union representatives when they fail us
Ignorance, particularly when it comes to matters of women and finances…and the playbook
Joints, both the ones smoked outside of Washington and Colorado and the ones that ache from overuse of pills and injections of various forms
Keeping up with the Joneses, Jerry or otherwise, is both a departure from Jewish ideals and an impossible task that will lead to you burying your botoxed face in the busoms of barely willing twenty-somethings who are only there for your prodigious cache of cocaine
Lusting after another’s wife, which in the more egregious cases leads to nonproductive exile to Philadelphia
Masturbation in the locker room, and we’re all still making up for how much Charles Haley loved doing it
Necrophilia, to cover our bases with the Ryan Brothers
Onanism, because we can’t emphasize enough how much Charles Haley loved masturbating in the locker room
Priapism caused by our biggest sponsors, propping up this community in Connecticut that, while we are grateful we could all join together here, we are disappointed with what we have allowed the WWL to become
Quarantine, to remind us of the pain and disease inflicted by Schiano men, and our responsibility to band together to fight it
Rape, because for the love of all that is holy, can THE BEN, Jameis et al limit their fucking to the gazillion barflies that would consent to it?
S is for Snyder, for everything that man has done is repugnant and an embarrassment to his people, both in football and Judaism
Texans, because there could be fans outside of Dallas that would like to root for football but share a distaste for “America’s team”
Unholiness, not from touching an inflated pig’s bladder, but from losing sight of how fortunate we are that Adonai granted us the ability and size to play this game at the highest level, and that we should enjoy it while protecting ourselves and taking care of the players that came before us that need medical assistance, including mental health treatment
Vagina is something we pursue above all else other than money, and we should ease up a bit
W is for Wembley, because it is a sin to force the Jaguars on Londonders while simultaneously screwing them and other NFL teams out of a home game each year
Xenophobia, because how else do you explain Tom Brady supporting Donald Trump?
Yielding to our lesser temptations and allowing ourselves to be led astray from the teachings of torah
Zipping by, our careers and each NFL season; we should not take them for granted, nor the community they bring together for love of football and dickjokes

For all of these transgressions and more, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.

Alright, I can’t say I agreed with all that, but nice job. This is a sacred holiday, but I’m done being nice to you unless I need you to testify about my balls. Now, where’s that Melvin Gordon kid I keep hearing so much about. He’s gotta be an MOT…