Your Wednesday Evening “Reporting For Duty, Sir!” Open Thread

Drew did his post about the Jets today. I am a Jets fan in the same way I am Catholic: I only really care and show up when stuff is going really good or really bad.

So without further ado here’s my post I never sent:

I first became aware of sports in 1998 right as I turned 8, but ticket stubs show I have been going to games since at least 1997 (I want to say this was my first game). Obviously I wasn’t aware of anything (and in hindsight I question bringing a 7 year old to a Jets game) and I didn’t become a fan because I would have remembered the next week when Reggie Brown almost died on national TV.

1998 comes around and the Mets have me interested in sports, so it follows that I needed a fall sport to give a damn about. My uncle has had Jets season tickets since the mid-80s and since they’re infinitely cheaper than Giants tickets, my father and my uncle take him up on the offer to see a game if the opponent’s interesting. After starting 0-2, i see Peyton Manning’s 3rd career start!

I see five games that year. They win them all! I see Doug Flutie! I see Steve DeBerg (who is my uncle’s age) make his first start in 5 years and get murdered! I see them win a game on a bullshit call that would have blatantly overturned one year later (video)! I see them beat up on some dude named Scott Zolak, but my biggest memory was a fight in a section across the field that actually cause the game to be stopped!

Now just because I saw wins there doesn’t mean I always enjoyed myself. My uncle’s section was a collection of degenerates that included Ozzy Osbourne’s limo driver and some dude who passed out nameplate stickers that said “MUEHLGAY” so people could put it over their faded Neil O’Donnell and Adrian Murrell jerseys (I came to realize later it was the dude’s last name) . Pastimes included calling random people faggots, twisting off mustard packets to the brink of exploding and throwing them on the lower section, and defacing a box of Flutie Flakes. Mercifully I wasn’t exposed to Gate D happenings at that time but a titty bar across Paterson Plank Road offered a shuttle service that was cheaper than Meadowlands parking. We did that once.

Oh my God, the Jets are… good? A look back at 1998 had them at second in SRS behind the Vikings (seriously, how the fuck did the Cardinals make the playoffs that year?) They beat the Jaguars handily, and holy shit, they’re up 10-0 early in the 3rd quarter on the Broncos! The game was over by the end of the third, and I still remember goddamn Alex Van Dyke’s name. No worries, most of the roster is coming back and they went 13-2 under Vinny Testaverde!

Then Vinny’s achilles explodes 22 minutes into the ’99 season. On a fucking handoff. The defense isn’t as good. The offense goes to shit until Ray Lucas starts in Week 9. The Rick Mirer era makes me question humanity. They win their last 4 to even go 8-8. Parcells retires and Belichick pulls out faster than a teenage boy but instead of cumming in a napkin, he uses one to tell the Jets he is resigning.

2000! Start 4-0, 6-2, and 9-4! Miss the playoffs, watch them get suffocated on Christmas Eve by Captain Stabbypants and Crew to clinch it. Al Groh leaves after the season and by going 9-7 has the second highest winning percentage in team history to this day (I wish I were making this up).

After that it’s a blur with intermittent memories like Mo Lewis nearly impaling Drew Bledsoe, Herm Edwards doing Herm shit, Vinny coming back, Favre year, DOOR FLYING THE FUCK OPEN, DOOR GETTING THE FUCK CLOSED ON TODD BOWLES AND THE PLAYOFFS, and bug-eyed alleged offensive genius now coach. I am way more into hockey and baseball than football.

I have not seen a regular season game in person since 2008 when Favre threw for a shit-ton of touchdowns and Anquan Boldin nearly got killed by Eric Smith.

Actually the most recent event I saw at MetLife Stadium was Eric LeGrand getting paralyzed against Army. I’ve seen maybe one preseason game since.

This could have six more paragraphs but fuck you.