Your “Who Is He Dares Enter These My Woods?” Monday Evening Open Thread

This past weekend I decided on one more quick trip out of town. Christmas with Mom had gone well, and WineWife wasn’t disappointed with my New Year’s plans. So when an offer showed up in my inbox from one of [DFO]’s inner circle, I leaped at the chance to meet a fellow malcontent.

I had never been invited to Scotchy’s cabin up at Silent Lake before. In fact, I hadn’t considered us close enough as colleagues to receive such summon. Sure, we’ve shared a few laughs – mostly at Seamus’ expense, like the time he fought with a squirrel – and spiritually bonded over the failures of our local NHL teams. But it seemed strange that he would invite me up in January; cabin season is such a short summer window in Canada that I figured it was the only time he had available outside the season.

At least I remembered to bring alcohol, like a good guest does. Like most residents of [DFO], I know he enjoys the bourble from time to time.

So I was smart and stopped off at the LCBO drive-thru on my way up.

His instructions seemed kind of vague. “Drive north out of Peterborough until you see the bones on the phone pole, then turn in.” I mean, who is going to bother with the effort of sorting bones to attach to phone poles? What if there were more than one set? How high up do I have to look? It seemed a sign would be so much more prudent. But what did I know? I don’t have to fill my days at a rural cabin on a northern lake. It then dawned on me: How high must I have been to agree to come here at this time of year?

I drove for an hour, expecting to find nothing, and wondering who I might find in this frozen swamp to ask for directions. But as I rounded a corner there they were,

as sure a sign as any that I was about to leave a very secure grid.

I wasn’t at all nervous driving down the snowy road.

As a fellow Canadian, I have experience driving the rural byways of this great land. Even living on the Best Coast, I’ve worked at enough local ski hills to know how to respect a snowy road. Still though, it didn’t seem like it had been driven in quite a long time. ‘He must really like having no one around,’ I pondered while bouncing around the rental truck’s cabin. Given the location and isolation, I hummed the theme to “The Littlest Hobo” as I made my way deeper into the woods.

It was twenty bumpy minutes before I pulled up out front. The cabin seemed peaceful enough –

that kind of modern rustic feel people aim for when living in the country. Nothing ostentatious, but a getaway place that provides essential basics without opulence. ‘I think the Unibomber’s still in jail,’ I chuckled nervously, wondering what type of person Scotchy normally summoned up here. Outside of The Maestro, I don’t think any of us at [DFO] have ever been honoured with l’invite du Scotchy.

I though myself safe; after all, he does most of his “work” in the city. ‘I’m the Beerguy – his confrère in previews. Surely he doesn’t bring it on vacation’, I thought to myself as I walked up to the front door.

Huh. I thought I’d told him I’d be here about now. The sun was beginning to set, and was casting a shimmering orange glow off the edge of the lake. ‘Well, no point sitting in the car listening to static,’ I thought to myself. ‘I guess I’ll just stretch my legs a bit.’ I got out to walk around, and that’s when I noticed the other sign,

the one made of “souvenirs” from “previous guests”.

The panic set in almost immediately. Everything began to spin. I was the fool!

What if, bereft of victims, he was beginning to hunt his own?

I fumbled in my pocket trying to remove the car keys, which fell to the ground as sweat began forming on my brow. The car – just steps away – now seemed miles off in the distance. I furtively dug into the powder, desperately trying to find the keys so I could open the door and try to isolate myself. Seconds seemed like hours. Alone in my fear, I never heard the crunching of footsteps in the hardening snow. All I felt was hot breath on my neck & cold steel on my throat, and a shiver went down my spine when I heard those words:

“Mondays are yours again.”

Tonight’s sports:

• NHL:
  • Oilers at Leafs – 7:00PM | NBCSN
    • regional broadcast only in Canada, because GOD FUCKING FORBID the whole country watches.
  • Avs at Islanders – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
• NBA:
  • Nuggets at Hawks – 7:30PM | TSN5
  • Bucks at Spurs – 8:30PM | Sportsnet1
  • Warriors at Kings – 10:00PM | TSN5 / NBATV
• NCAA:
  • Football:
    • LendingTree Bowl: Louisiana (Lafayette) vs. Miami (Ohio) – 7:30PM | ESPN
  • Basketball:
    • West By-God Virginia at Oklahoma State – 9:00PM | ESPN2
• Wrasslin’:
  • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Join us, won’t you – there’s always room for more. Mike McCarthy can’t make it – he went off to Dallas instead.