[Author’s Note: Despite the overwhelmingly positive response to last year’s All Interpretive Dance team preview, I have decided not to go back to that well a second year in a row.  Try to contain your disappointment.]

So here it is.  It’s finally happening.  Like Christmas morning, high school graduation and losing your virginity all rolled into one; the anticipation is fucking KILLING the Buffalo fanbase faster than saturated fat and overly-sturdy folding tables combined. Most of us gave up on beating the Tom Brady-Bill Belichick Axis of Ultimate Evil in a straight-up fight long ago, instead choosing to bide our  time and wait out the nuclear winter of Patriots dominance, Fallout-style.

And now the Time is Upon Us, brothers and sisters! Admittedly, the Church of DFO’s Big Fun Book of Rainy-Day Revelations had it slightly wrong- instead of BeelzeBill being called home to lead the Forces of Hell in the Final Battle, Tom Brady decided to up stakes and move to Florida like every good Trump-loving state-income-tax-dodger.  Upon Brady’s decision to sign with Tampa, the Bills immediately became the narrow-but-consensus favorite to win the AFC East.  To put it in perspective, this would be the first time a team other than the Patriots won the division since Brady’s shredded knee in 2008.  Remember 2008? A young black senator was telling us Yes We Can and we thought the casual cruelty and corruption of the Bush II presidency was the lowest ebb of GOP shamelessness?  Ah, good times…

So it’s been a long time coming.  Sure, the Second Coming of Cam has changed the odds in some casinos. But there is Daylight.  There is Hope.  After a strong 2019 campaign that ended in somewhat ignominious fashion with an inexplicable loss to the “Texans”, the Bills appear to actually have some momentum heading into their Big Chance.

Now they just have to make sure not to blow it.  Freeze up. Wide Right.

…..

Fuck.  This is gonna fucking suck.  We don’t know how to kill the bunny.

But hey.  If there was ever a year when the immutable Laws of Football Physics could be violated like a Kardashian on camera, this would be it.

Your 2019 Season:

From last year’s Preview:

The Bills are going 9-7 and going to the playoffs. Here I stand, I can do not else. Amen, hallelujah.

/drinks paint thinner, jumps off china cabinet and through dining room table.

From last year’s Bye Week Bonanza:

11-5. Wildcard. Smash through playoff opponents like a baby through a table.

From reality:

10-6. Playoffs. Money.

If you take the average, I was spot on.

Your Quarterback:

Josh Allen. No longer the most controversial racist white quarterback on the roster.  Thanks, Jake Fromm!

Allen made a lot progress last year.  Although still under 60% for completions, Allen threw for 3000 yards (versus 2000 in 2018), threw 20 TDs, rushed for 9 more and threw only 9 interceptions.  He did fumble a lot, but that’s to be expected when you have 109 rushing attempts and 43 hits on drop-backs.  He also went into Hero Mode several times, pulling out 5 game-winning drives for a franchise that has viewed the fourth quarter as Lost Time for the last 20 years.  God help us, he might actually be a Leader…

Hell, we’ve almost forgotten that we traded the Patrick Mahomes pick in 2017…

EVERYBODY ELSE:

Still, the 2017 draft got us Big Fun Adopted Son Dion Dawkins and Consensus Top 3 cornerback Tre’davious White, while the 2018 pick from Kansas City turned into 22 year old Tackling God Tremaine Edmunds.  So one Aw Shit doesn’t completely wipe out several big Attaboys.

This haul highlights one of the nice parts about the Bills- it’s easy to root for a team that is largely constructed around homegrown talent, with a liberal sprinkling of middle-tier free agents who have blossomed in Western New York.  John Brown was a revelation last year, to the extent that he earned a Hippo Thoughts Nickname.

Micah Hyde and Jordan Poyer form one of the best safety tandems in the league, despite being castoffs from their prior teams.  Quinton Spain. Matt Milano.  A young defensive line anchored by No-Seriously-Look-at-the-Blood-Test Ed Oliver, Harrison Phillips and rookie AJ Epipen.  It’s remarkable, because the loss of Star Lotulelei (Out- Common Sense) would normally be a major blow.  Now it looks like an opportunity to get the next generation into the game more often.

The defense was a monster last year, and the addition of the Corpse of All-Pro Josh Norman may make it even better.  I would have liked a little more aggressiveness in getting a complement for White, but Nerve Tonic Overdose Ron Howard loves his former Panthers…

The biggest questions, predictably, lie in the passing game.  Josh Allen’s heart-stopping heroics are a few bad decisions away from just being heart-stopping.  Big Offseason Addition Stefon Diggs breaks the mold of how the rest of the team was built, coming over in the Blockbuster Trade of the Off-Season (Non-Bill-O’Brien-Getting-Humiliated Division).  Some think he is the Missing Piece, being Fairly Large, Fairly Fast and able to reel in any ball in a generous radius– in other words, an ideal addition for a big-armed quarterback with occasional accuracy issues.  Others liken him to Terrell Owens (late career edition), a big personality and occasional malcontent brought in to a team culture where those things just don’t fit.  I’m inclined to go with the former, not just out of wishful thinking but because I would want out as well if I had Kirk Cousins as my quarterback.  However, if (as rumored) part of the issue was the switch to a run-first, run-last offensive scheme that reduced his number of catches, there might be an Issue.  Because Buffalo is that team too.  Brian Daboll is still the offensive coordinator.  They spent a second-round pick on running back Zack Moss to complement emerging star Devin Singletary.  Defensive Coordinator Leslie Frazier’s scheme requires a certain amount of ball control on the offense’s part to make it successful.*

*I’m ecstatic that Frazier is still in Buffalo, but it is a fucking crime that he’s still a coordinator in a league where white retreads get four chances to fail as head coach before they’re considered unhireable.

With that run-heavy backdrop, I can’t imagine that Diggs will end up grabbing 100 catches for 800,000 yards, especially with a 1a receiver in Brown, sneaky-white-guy Cole Beasley in the slot and Dawson Knox becoming more of a force at tight end.  And if that’s going to bother him, it might be a long year.  But you’d always rather have more potential firepower than less heading into the season, so I choose to believe everyone on offense will be bestest friends.

PREDICTION: Fuckit.  If there was ever a year to bet the long odds, it’s this one.  11-4-1, AFC Champions.