“Oh, The Places You’ll Go…To Find A Lineman”

Part 7: All Over But the Crying

Setting: The Virginia Mason Athletic Center, Renton, WA. May 3, 2021

Ext. A fourth floor office. Two men sit at desks,

while a bunch of interns silently try to work around them. It is the first Monday after the Draft, and the two men responsible for football operations are debriefing.

Pete Carroll:  …(stony silence)

John Schneider:  **cracks beer**  Well, I think that’s worth celebrating

Pete Carroll:  (explodes)  We only had three picks! Three!

• Round 2, No. 56 overall
• Round 4, No. 129 overall
• Round 7, Pick No. 250 overall

What could we do with only a second-, fourth-, and seventh-round pick?

JS: I do what I’ve always done – made the best of a bad situation.

PC: A bad situation you made bad!

JS: Going into the Draft, sure. But look at the holes we filled by giving up those picks:

2021 #seahawks draft https://t.co/iZ69YBfRWP pic.twitter.com/GbPCMLyseT

— Mike Sando (@SandoNFL) April 25, 2021

PC: Sullivan isn’t even on our team anymore, and we’re tight up against the cap! I would have liked to have had a bit more wiggle room with some cheap, young help.

JS:  Here we go.  Jesus, Pete – don’t be a baby. Think of it this way – when the cap goes up next year, we will have everything but our First. We’ll be sitting pretty when it comes to attracting free agents & filling holes with cheap kids.

PC: I suppose. But it just feels so… useless, paying attention to the first night when we really didn’t have anything to do.

JS: Look man, I didn’t want to work Thursday night anyway. “Top Chef” was on.

PC:

JS: Don’t give me that shit. I had to sit through all those conspiracy podcasts you played while we were on the road,

so I am not taking any guff about wanting to sit at home & watch a fine cup of hot chocolate eat crudités and hors d’oeuvre.

PC: Look man. I didn’t bring up steel beams ONCE during the whole trip.

JS: And don’t think I don’t appreciate that. But twelve straight hours on how NASA and the Freemasons conspire to hide the fact that… how did that lunatic put it? “That we are living on a plane, not a planet”, and that “Earth is the flat, stationary center of the universe”? Some of those guys are fucking out there, man.

PC: C’mon John.

JS: Seriously, Pete. I used to think Art Bell was the strangest guy on the radio; he’s Mr. Rogers compared to these fucking lunatics. I’m just glad you didn’t head down to the Children’s Medical Center when we were in Lexington and set the place on fire like some anti-vax lunatic.

PC: Hey – I’m not crazy. I at least let Jamal wear #33!

JS:

PC: Fuck you, pal. That’s a big deal for me. I already feel uncomfortable enough around numbers 9, 11 & 69. Larry Johnson tried to expose how the Masons are trying to introduce an effeminate agenda into sports so they can indoctrinate the heterosexual sports world, and look what happened to him.

JS: Now Pete, you know I like to let you indulge your little theories, but…

PC: I mean, you just know those fuckers initiated Belichick. They all worship numbers. Their histories are practically intertwined.

It’s probably how they get around the salary cap!

JS:  **sighs**  What more do you want? I signed Robert Nkemdiche to help the D-line. He cost practically nothing.

PC: Oh great – a guy who gets arrested, to replace a guy who got arrested. Besides – we needed help on the offensive line.

JS: Offensive LINE?! All I heard was “offense”. Maybe you should have sent me a note.

PC:  (counting on fingers)  Three emails draft day. Plus a schematic of the guys we lost. Plus a picture of Germain Ifedi giving the finger to a picture of Mike Solari right after he signed his Bears contract. Plus a revised list of all the guys we saw on the road. How the fuck did you get “tiny wide receiver” out of that?

JS: Hey – at least he’s fast.

PC: I’ve already got Lockett & Metcalf for that! Christ almighty – Metcalf is trying out for the Olympic team he’s that damned fast. I needed someone who could keep Russell upright while those guys get open.

JS: Well, he could be an all-rounder like Darren Sproles. Loved that kid.

PC: Sure, I suppose. But Sproles was a fourth-round pick…

JS:  (interrupting)  …and only five-foot-five. D’Wayne (Eskridge) is 5’9″ and has comparable skills. 

PC: Sure – if he’s being covered by Darren Sproles. This kid’s not going to be able to hang with guys like (Jalen) Ramsey & (Budda) Baker. Maybe he can return kicks…  (voice trails off in thought)

JS: …which will allow Lockett to concentrate more on the job we’re paying him for.  (perturbed)  Look Pete. Most of the guys we targeted for possible second-round consideration were either taken – Jenkins, Eichenberg, Banks, Radunz – or were ranked too low to merit consideration on Friday.

PC: But then you traded DOWN in the fourth round!

JS: It was to build capital. I got two picks from Tampa; besides, it was only seven spots. And they took a receiver. I still got you the corner you wanted.

PC: But Tre Brown is only 5’10” – were you just looking to go up one inch per pick?

JS: I don’t know – I never got around to asking about Stone Forsythe‘s dick. 

PC: I’ll give you that one.

JS: I should hope so. Kid’s 6-foot-8 & 307 pounds, and he’s actually playing the position you want to use him at.

PC: You know, it shouldn’t be a luxury to have players already be familiar with the position we want them to play.

JS: Bitch bitch bitch. Where’s the challenge in that? If you can’t teach speed or size, you could at least teach positioning!

PC: I’ve got enough to do, what with trying to keep Russell happy and keep (Ken) Norton from ripping off people’s heads. I don’t have time for any more of your fantasy projects.

JS: Look – I did what I could, okay?! I even had graphics come up with a cool little picture to highlight the guys we got.

PC: Well, that just makes it look worse! Now it looks like we skipped over the whole country & just picked the three guys from states where the darts landed on the board.

JS: Well, I’d like to see you do something different. At least I chose someone from flyover country. Maybe that’ll shut up those yokels in Spokane who keep calling their congressman to have us fired because players kneeled.

PC: Oh no, you’re not dropping that shit on me. You made those picks; you own those picks. I’m going back to my office.  (leaves office)

JS:  (follows him out)  Now hold on a minute. It’s not like a solution to our problem is going to just walk through our front door!  (races to catch up)

PC:  Look John, all I’m saying is that we need to find some stability quick. Otherwise, this collection of shiny trinkets you got me won’t matter when we’re finishing behind Shanahan.  (reaches for door handle)

[Door Flies Open]

Richard Sherman: I figured from all the yelling nothing has changed around here. How the fuck you doin’, boys?

Fin.