One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. Especially after that hiatus I took when we couldn’t log on and comment because of some issue involving the server, the Russians, Keebler elves, or something. Anyway, that’s resolved, and big thanks to Internet Dad and everyone else who worked tirelessly and without pay to provide our continuing free entertainment. Anyway, after a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
Yours in the comments, first come, first served. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
So, I kind of forgot about this until after midnight this morning, so sorry this is late, but I wasn’t getting back out of bed to throw something up. Are we still not doing phrasing anymore? Anyway, it’s here now, and as an additional treat, it’s from the unfortunately fertile imagination of our good friend Scotcnnaut: Draft the sporting event whose outcome you could change. The example he gave had something to do with hock…EE? which I gather is something canucks do to keep themselves amused while waiting for the fish to bite during ice-fishing tournaments.
Since this is late, I’ll go first: 2004 American League Championship Series. David Ortiz pops out after Dave Roberts was thrown out trying to steal second.
Yours in the comments.
Does a mock draft count as a sporting event? Because I’ve been inspired by BeerGuyRob and I would like to change the outcome of the KSK rock star girlfriend fantasy draft, wherein I foolishly passed on drafting Susanna Hoffs in the first round because I thought she’d be around in the second.
Just wait until next week, when I repeat that idea as well.
It’s not copyright infringement, it’s an homage.
Everyone gone? Whatever. The Giants don’t hire Ray Handley (the fookin’ running backs coach!) as head coach. He inherited a 13-3 team with 7 Hall of Famers (should be 8-Carl Banks) on the roster and turned it into an 8-8 squad. He then turned that team into a 6-10 outfit while benching Phil Simms and fighting with the New York sports media. He was replaced by Dan Reeves who went 11-5 right out of the gate.
Robot Wars Sixth Wars (Series 6) grand final. Let’s make it so Razer successfully lets go of Tornado over the pit, saving us of 20 years of “Did Tornado cheat?” arguments.
1993 Stanley Cup Finals…dickhead McSorley uses a regulation stick and the Kings go on to win the whole thing.
Yup. That was going to be my pick. They were playing well up to that moment. That turned the whole series.
Fresno State vs USC in 2005.
I was at the game (I probably said that before), but I would have loved to see Bing break a leg. Bush had one of the greatest games on record (513 all-purpose yards), and I’m still thankful to have been at that game. Just would have changed it so Pinegar didn’t throw any INTs and Fresno State upset USC for the win.
After that game, Fresno State lost easy games to LA Tech and whoever and their bowl game to go 8-5. It was just such a let down to lose that day after such a stellar game. I mean, that game was one for the ages.
Grumblelord cuts Tom Brady in camp, the latter gets heavy into methamphetamines.
Or Bledsoe isn’t bludgeoned by Mo Lewis and remains a perfectly cromulent quarteredback, leading to a few 10-6 seasons, but no owls and fans in New England still don’t know they have a football team.
Tikhonov doesn’t pull Tretiak, Soviet players aren’t shell-shocked by the move and there is no “Miracle”.
As bk109 would say, “Am I banned?”.
I thought about taking that one, too, because I long ago got sick of hearing about that game.
But arguably it was good for hockey in the long run in that it spurred interest in the sport among a young generation of Americans.
Of course, if I’m right about that, non-American soccer fans probably don’t want to think about the implications….
Are we going to hurt these non-American soccer fans…?
Thus marks the latest chapter in Americans Ruin Everything
Why the hell is everybody so anti-American? Fuck the Soviets. And fuck their ’72 Olympic Men’s basketball team too. And fuck Russia.
Just wait until you’re owned by Red China (I’m looking at you, Canada). Good times await.
Heehee.
Because we still can. At some point we may only have the option of joy through strength. Or is it strength through joy?
Scotchnaut, based on his incredibly offensive lack of patriotism, and being anti-American, is penalized and sentenced to listening to Kate Smith’s rendition of ‘God Bless America’ on a constant loop for 4-6 weeks.
Scotchnaut’s appeal, based on the fact that he is, in fact, Canadian, is denied. There is no such thing as Canada.
Super Bowl XIX–Joe Montana locks himself in his room masturbating and Dan Marino throws for as many TDs as Uwe von Schamann FGs kicked in the darkest real timeline, and then Marino gets his ring so he doesn’t need to cover up his hands with isotoners
This pick also clearly is my third after my “can I pick the 1994 expos win the series” question was answered in the affirmative and the commish was dumb enough to say he was going to pick it next and then didn’t.
Mocking the Commissioner results in a 6-month ban from commenting, subject to a reduction based on how many cases of Monkish beers find their way to the Cornblower estate in the next 24 hours.
BFC has the right to appeal based on the Commissioner’s blatant conflict of interest as the enforcer of the ban and/or beneficiary of the penalty fine.
The appeal is denied.
What kind of voodoo shipping do you think we have going around here.
Diego Forlan breaks his leg against Mightey Whitey in the 2010 UEFA cup final and the London Jaguras actually put a trophy in the case.
Clint Dempsey is still the best American to play in the Prem.
Need a Commissioner’s Ruling: is Trump’s failed bid to buy the Bills a “sporting event”?
No but him getting pissed on by a lady of the night in a Buffalo hotel would be.
1986 ALCS…Dave Henderson’s long fly ball is caught on the warning track, Angels advance to the WS and beat the Mets (our 1B could catch routine grounders), and Donnie Moore doesn’t blow his brains out.
Point of privilege on the 30 min. rule, as no one will pick this.
2017 World Baseball Classic Final: Puerto Rico defeats USA. PR was the tourney’s story. All of them dyed their hair blonde and were tearing it. Even though WE lost 8-0, there was a reception and parade here. Adam Jones bitched about Boricua’s sheer gall to celebrate, to which Paragon of Virtue* Yadi Molina replied:
“That’s why I’m sending a message to [Jones], saying, ‘Look at this, right now you’re in spring training working out, and we’re with our people, with our silver medals,'” Molina continued. “You’re in spring training and you’re working … you have no idea how to celebrate your honors, you don’t know what it means.”
* As the Commish is already pissed at violating the 30 min. rule, why not go all out.
Saving grace: Marcus Stroman was the winning pitcher. He had considered playing for PR (mom is ‘Rican), but from what I remember never got a fair shake from many folks down here.
Wait a second here . . .
How does Puerto Rico play against the United States? P.R. is not a separate country, we own it, like Guam and the moon.
The pick stands, but Don T’s blatant lying about the virtues of Yadier Molina results in a 6-week ban, by which I mean he is banned from his home while the Cornblowers use it for a 6-week getaway* this fall.
*Literal getaway, as Mr. Cornblower has so much unused vacation that he is about to fak major surgery to blow a bunch of it.
On a personal note, that quote is just a perfect summation of Yadier Molina: shit-talking the winner of a game where his team got curb-stomped 8-0.
How about the fucking Bears give Walter Payton a TD in the 1985 Superbowl. The score can remain the same, but how does one not give him one.
I almost picked this and went with Sexy Rexy instead
3. This one is entirely selfish, and doesn’t really have any major repercussions other than diminishing Kobe Bryant’s overinflated legacy: Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals is won by the Boston Celtics. And before you say that it would make New England fans even more insufferable, remember that they have already maxed out the stat, and nothing could possibly make them more insufferable.
Xmas Eve, 2016, JAX (2-12 at the time) @ TEN (8-6). Tits can keep up in the playoff hunt with a win. Mariota had been very impressive in his sophomore season–making every 4th QRT throw, awesome comebacks, flawless in the Red Zone. TEN’s D sleepwalks through the first half, Mariota looks off, then his leg is split in two. Will thereafter be known as a “competitor”, not the amazing athlete he was.
Change suggested: TEN wins that game, no broken leg for Marcus, 8 Super Bowl titles for the Titans, 12 MVPs for Marcus, Mike Mularkey eclipses Belichiock as best NFL coach EVA.
[raises a glass to his fibula bro] – Derek Carr
It’s scary how them two guys’ careers seemed intertwined.
I’m glad that Mariota eventually got to experience what it was like to have a solid game performance completely ruined by the Raiders worthless excuse for a defense.
Someone who was there should pick whatever game it was that would have paid off the big parlay at DFO-con.
Second selection is the stabbing of Monica Seles. She was dominating the women’s tour when she was stabbed. It took her out of commission temporarily and her was never the same again.
This is the most humanitarian pick I expect to ever see in one of these drafts. Nice choice.
No, he meant he wanted the stabbing to be more effective.
Grunts in Yugoslavian
Another humanitarian one- The 1961 plane crash in Brussels that wiped out the entire US figure skating team, except for Dick fucking Buttons.
To be fair, he wouldn’t have been with them because he was already a pro, but I just can’t stand him. And his name is Button, not Buttons, but it sounds better plural.
“Dick buttons” sounds like a colloquial term for genital warts.
1984 French Open men’s final: John McEnroe doesn’t blow a two-set lead to Ivan Lendl. The win gives him his first French title (and the first for an American in decades, not that I care), extends his 42-match winning streak, and means that an already astounding 1984 (82-3, 11-1 against the #2 and 3 players) turns into 83-2, 12-0.
Does the victory mean that Mac doesn’t get himself suspended from the tour during the Stockholm tournament, which led to him injuring his wrist in training and having to miss the Australian Open? Does he then play Melbourne and complete the calendar year Slam? Hey, it’s possible.
Stanley Cup Finals Game 7, 1994 – the Canucks beat the Rangers to hoist the Cup, and Mark Messier never gets the chance to pollute the league any further.
And hockey fans get to continue to chant “1940” at Rangers games for another couple decades and counting….
Point of parliamentary inquiry: can we pick something like the 1994 MLB strike never happened or got resolved because we all agree that would have meant an Expos World Series?
Yeah, I couldn’t figure out a way to do that so I went with the ’81 NLCS.
Ugh – “Blue Monday”.
That strike was the best thing to happen to baseball. You could get a great seat at any stadium after that for a year or two. And when you heckled the pitcher, the pitcher could hear what you said and give you the death stare (good times, man!).
There are few things in life finer than seeing a well-conceived taunt visibly land. It’s so choice.
I would not say “well-conceived” as much as “dumb rambling”.
You can, and it was about to be my next pick. Expos-Yankees World Series!
“What is Kellen Winslow, Jr’s nickname for Saturday in a Target Parking Lot?
I’ll take Athletes and Their Sexual Peccadilloes for $800.
Donnie finally gets a World Series in our alternate universe.
2012 Olympics-the Canadian Olympic Women’s Soccer team was in the semi-finals and Christine Sinclair (women’s all-time scoring leader) scored a hat-trick. The U.S. was awarded a free kick (down 3-2) in the waning minutes after the ref called a “holding the ball too long” penalty on the Canuck keeper. (U.S. coach said she’s never seen the call made in her entire career) That led to a goal and the stinkin’ U.S. won in extra time. Absolute Utter Fucking Bullshit!
/Dumb Americans won the gold against Japan and Canada settled for the bronze vs. France
excellent pick, this was on my list.
Probably going to be on the board for a while, but I’m taking Super Bowl XLI. After Devin Hester’s already amazing opening kickoff return for a TD, Chris Harris’s interception of Peyton Manning’s tbag becomes a pick six instead of the 3 and out that happened IRL, Rex Grossman throws 2 garbage time TDs and becomes a Super Bowl champion.
Just begging for a baby boom, aren’t ya?
I’d like to see Jethro Pugh stuff Bart Starr at the goal line in the Ice Bowl.
Fuck you, Titletown.
Can you imagine a holding call there? That’d be hilarious, and probably would have gotten the entire crew murdered.
2. USA over Germany in the quarterfinals of the 2002 World Cup. The absolute worst blown call in US soccer history. A win puts the US against (host) South Korea in the semifinals, with an outside chance to win the whole thing (or lose by two touchdowns to Brazil, but whatever).
https://www.si.com/specials/greatest-sports-what-ifs/planet-futbol/2017/2002-world-cup-germany-us-handball
Great call. I remember watching that game at a friend’s house before having to go in to work, and being pissed off the rest of the day.
Steve Garvey is institutionalized for chronic masturbation thus rendering him ineligible to participate in the 1984 NLCS.
/proudly wears “Steve Garvey is not my Padre” t-shirt
No Further comment
The Expos use the lefty Bill “Spaceman” Lee to pitch to Rick M****y in the 9th inning of the 1981 NLCS Game Five instead of Steve Rogers. Montreal goes on to win the game and the series in extra innings, and advance to the World Series.
Where the timeline started going wrong – Super Bowl XXXVIII – Patriots vs. Carolina. Vinatieri misses the 3 point attempt with 4 seconds to go. Patriots lose.
http://ourhistory.canadiens.com/media/41517f9351317f3d/small/Lemieux_Claude_03.jpg
Lemieux misses the goal in OT in Game 7 in ’86. While I would prefer the Whalers go on to win, I will accept a loss on a goal by anyone other than Claude Fucking Lemieux. Just the worst.
I think Claude was my first “he’s an asshole, but he’s OUR asshole” athlete.
If he’d ever played for the Whalers I’d have boo’d him unmercifully. One sports memory I would never change is the Red Wings beating the unmerciful piss out of him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT4o4L3kc9A
One of the great sports quotes is “I can’t believe I shook his fucking hand,” referring to the post-series handshake line with Lemieux.
Isn’t the point of the draft to change the outcome of the game? So yes, the Whalers would win.
What happened to Ryan Shazier. I’m sure there are players who have it worst, but this was the first one I could think of in recent memory. It was a sporting event, and I wish that outcome didn’t happen.
Similar to yours, 2001 Game 7. Mo makes the throw to second, among other things.
Also something keeps Enrique Wilson in New York a couple extra days so he isn’t on the Belle Harbor flight. Or hey, maybe it saves the entire flight, but that’s dealing with fallacy of the predetermined outcome, Michael Kay.
Oh no worries; that was my second pick. Fuck Curt Schilling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7rPIg7ZNQ8
Why not say every Patriots super bowl win?
Buddy, there are lot more picks coming.
idk. I still feel like Wilson deserves that kind of loss. Maybe to another team?
Considering that Wilson went on to say that Jesus had him throw that interception to teach Russ strength, or some such nonsense, I am OK with this loss.
It also led to tons of great jokes at Pete Carroll’s expense.
Agreed – if they beat the Pats here the dynasty stays dead.
Drew Pearson is called for the very obvious offensive pass interference.
Commissioner’s Ruling: This obviously biased and completely incorrect take is stripped from the draft. Also Yeah Right is banned from using his Kitchen-Aid mixer for the next 4 Sunday Gravy posts, subject to appeal.
His appeal is denied.
Super Bowl XLII.
Fuck you, David Tyree.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Maestro is hereby banned forever.
Tuck Rule game.
Damn it, was just about to pick this. Fuck Brady and the Pats
Along those same lines, can Bledsoe not get hurt and Brady then doesn’t come in and start to do well? Not even sure which game it twas.
I’d go even further back and change the outcome of Tom’s final college game – the Orange Bowl against Alabama. Or even the prior game against Ohio State that sent Michigan there. Lower his national profile and maybe Belichick doesn’t take a flier on him in the draft.
This wins the draft. No use picking anything else.
I hate the Raiders too much. I will never not love them losing that way.
1. I’m going to go with something substantially more nuanced than DUR HURR THIS IS A GAME MY TEAM LOST BUT NOW THEY WON: In 2002, the Tampa Bay Bucaneers beat the snot out of the 49ers in the divisional round of the NFC playoffs. I’m changing that to a San Francisco win.
This keeps Tampa Bay out of Super Bowl XXXVII. It opens the door for an all-California Super Bowl. And it ensures that the Raiders won’t be playing against a team that knows their entire playbook. Over the long term, it could prevent Gruden’s return to the NFL, with him no longer having a Super Bowl win under his belt.
Going for the long game. I like it.
Gary Anderson makes the field goal against the Falcons in the 1998 NFC championship game against the Falcons.
YES x 10000