The DFO Euro 2020 (in 2021!) Preview: Wales

We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

• Copa América
• Euro 2020
• Concacaf Gold Cup
• Tokyo Olympic Games

And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!

Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?

From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.

Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada. Here is a handy calendar for you to use to schedule your vacation days:

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Today’s team is:

Wales

Country Fun Facts

Wales is wedged smack dab in between England and Ireland and has a language that neither can understand. It is home to the second-longest place name in the world: Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch

Try saying that. Seriously. It apparently means “Saint Mary’s Church in a hollow of white hazel near the rapid whirlpool of the church of Saint Tysilio with a red cave.”

It is part of the United Kingdom but given how things are going with Brexit and all that, perhaps not for long. In the discussion of Brexit, the Welsh have been largely left on the sidelines. The Northern Ireland Good Friday Agreement has been at the foreground of the news as many want to avoid a return of “The Troubles” and Scotland has been flirting with independence more and more.

Good old Wales, though, just kinda hangs out and waits to see what happens. Here’s an illustrative quote from our own Dunstan:

Yeah, the Welsh prefer to be under the lamb

Dunstan

The capital is Cardiff, which is located in South Wales. That’s not to be confused with New South Wales, which is where Sydney, the Opera House, and a certain TWBS-hating Nazi are.

Team Schedule

Wales is in Group A with Switzerland, Turkey, and Italy. Here is the Group Stage schedule, all times Pacific:

Saturday, June 12, 2021 6 AM – Wales v Switzerland at Baki Olimpiya Stadionu – Baku, Azerbaijan

Wednesday, June 16, 2021 9 AM – Turkey v Wales at Baki Olimpiya Stadionu – Baku, Azerbaijan

Sunday, June 20, 2021 9 AM – Italy v Wales at Stadio Olimpico – Rome

Team Preview / Top Players

Gareth Bale. It all starts and ends with Gareth Bale. Sure, there are other players on the team, but he’s the only you’ve probably heard of because he’s the one that “played” at Real Madrid except he got into a pissing match with Zinedine Zidane and sat on the bench and went golfing and enjoyed the millions they were paying him without doing a thing.

Except, of course, on the rare occasions that Zidane put him in and then Bale responded with some FUCK YOU goals that embarrassed everyone at Real Madrid.

I like him just for that.

The saga had to end at some point since Bale desperately wanted to play in this year’s Euros as they may be his last and he needed time on the pitch. So, Real set up a loan for him at Tottenham and he’s been playing regularly there.

Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot [Country] girls”

Balls, Have you ever been to this country?

I have! I had some delicious haggis at Cardiff Castle too! I do not remember at all why they were serving haggis in Wales as that’s usually a Scottish thing. It may have been something they offered to scare the tourists. Didn’t bother me none. I had a second helping!

Would I go back? It is a beautiful country that is green with hills and castles and quaint villages and pubs and everything that you think about when you think about that part of the world. It is also rainy and FUCKING cold. It was bitter cold in JUNE, when I went. I’ll go back only if I can wear Big Blue and never take him off.

Why you should root for this country

• You like consonants
• You hate Real Madrid and you want Gareth Bale to give them a big FU.
• You are into super pale white chicks and/or dragons.

Why you should NOT root for this country

• You’re an asshole Real Madrid fan (Redundant, yes, but must be said).
• You’re concerned that they will do better at this tourney than England and that will lead to a Welsh independence movement.
• You prefer to root for a team that can contend for the championship.

Pronóstico

Not good. That Italy game in Rome looks unwinnable. That leaves Switzerland and Turkey in Azerbaijan as potential point-getters. I say they get one win and one tie and move on to the Knockout Phase. After that, though, I’m thinking they’re done.

I would place a side bet (looking at Hippo’s direction) on Bale scoring at least one goal, if not 2. This is his last go-around and he’ll want to perform at his best to cement his legacy as Wales’ best player. Of course, his coach Ryan Giggs will have something to say about that, but that’s a topic for another day…