Welcome to Everton, Arsenal

It ain’t get no better.

In case you missed it, the Gooners laid a wet fart on Thursday night – one shot on target AT HOME, and Villareal (with maybe what, 10% of Arsenal’s money?) makes their first European final.  They’ll get Ole’s rejuvenated United, who surely gave Mourinho nightmares re his future squadron (an 8-5 aggregate win over Roma).

I don’t really care much about the Shempions clash between City and Certified Maniac Thomas Tuchel’s Chelski.  But Tuchel could become Pep’s bogey manager, with another win there.

But man, Arsenal.  I read some of the aftermath on The Athletic…and the peoples are not happy.  2021-22 will be their first season totally outside of Europe in 25+ years.  Arsene Wenger ponders asking management how his ass tastes.

Being stuck in mid-Table limbo can be maddening.  With all the money they gave Thanks Aubamayang!!1111 – and the ridiculous signing of Willian – they are way too old, with way too much dead weight salary commitments.  As Everton have shown the past few seasons, it’s hard to overcoUme those handicaps, even with one of the best managers in the world.

To put it mildly, Gooner Nation is…unconvinced that Ruggedly Handsome Mikel Arteta is that man.  I would point to Ole’s odyssey from goat to hero of the Northwest – give the project time.  But it needs to be a project, and there needs to be a MUCH stronger DOF in place.  Expecting Arteta to be both “coach” and “GM” this early was always foolish.

We’ll see, though.  Tempers are short in the Lesser community.

In actual fixtures, I’d say it’s worth the alarm for Spurs/Leeds (7:30, NBCSN).  Talk about a contrast in styles.  Everton and Arsenal have pretty much ceded the final European slot (Lesser PHRASING!), so long as Spurs don’t completely shit their dick these last few weeks.  Watching Bielsa’s Leeds is usually a joy, and they should be focused after last week’s letdown/subpar effoUrt.

Team Knifey welcomes Dire Even FOAR Uncle Woy Standards Palace next (10:00, NBCSN).  Don’t you have any paint to watch dry, instead?

Thanks to Red Riots last Sunday, their “noisy neighboUrs” get the chance to clinch their inevitable title at home, in the Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC).  But it’s Tuchel’s Chelski yet again.  Who knocked City out of the FA Cup, and loom (as mentioned) in the Shempions shempionship match.  Much like pimpin’, clinchin’ won’t be easy.  But Villa could back door the title tomorrow (9:05, Peacock), by beating or drawing United.  Like I said, it’s a matter of when, not if.

I am glad Redshite/Saints are behind the paywall (3:00, Peacock).  Fuck them all, I’mma go to immerse in Pretend 2098-99.  Fuck me, I hope the game doesn’t implode at the turn of the century.  Footy Manager is my last shred of sanity/enjoyment.

Everton will get angrily, lube-free pegged by David Moyes’ Hammers tomorrow (11:30, NBCSN), and it will still ruin my day despite (i) having given up on the season; and (ii) my burning desire for Fronk’s crew to finish ahead of the Shite.  It’s just how I roll.

Enjoy the action and random conversations below.

BALLS NOTE:

Since we’re getting close to the end of the season,  I thought I would revisit the prediction post that Litre, Hippo, and I put together in September.  The results are,  predictably,  hilarious!

The first thing you’ll notice is that the three of us cannot create a list without putting 2 teams in the same finishing position. Yes,  alcohol may have been involved,  but that’s no excuse.

We all picked Man City to win the Premiership and….. that’s about it.

Feel free to mock us in the comments.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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yeah right

Fucking hell! After losing two straight too!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Based on this guy’s twitter feed, which is filled with pretty standard “leftism is a mental disorder” type nonsense, I’m quite shocked to find his actual writing is somehow compelling. In a vacuum I’d have thought it was satire, but if nothing else it’s interesting: https://ruins.substack.com/

yeah right

My picking random teams in new leagues record is… not good.
My EPL team was relegated last year and probably won’t get promoted this year.

My Aussie Rules team is perennially in 14th place.

All these years of being a Cubs and Vikings fan has sunk bone deep.

Horatio Cornblower

Same. Hippo made us all pick Premier League teams a few years ago. Gunners was a cool name, they were good but not great, and at the time the had some sort of affiliation with the Yankees, or at least their games could be seen on YES.

Now they’re not on YES, (Man Shitty seems to have moved in), they kinda suck, and I found out too late that Kroenke owns the team.

litre_cola

Yes but your eyes are on the shitty little darling across town.. TONYKHANOUT!

Horatio Cornblower

So tWBS has already asked Tawny Kitaen out, we’re all agreed on that, right?

ballsofsteelandfury

Oh hell yes!

Gumbygirl

And she said ” wait, you were a vet, right? Got any Special K?”

Last edited 3 years ago by Gumbygirl
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I picked them the same exact way, I thought Arsenal was a cool name. Plus I had a friend who was into them so it was fun to root for them with him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS IS IMPORTANT!

Right now at Vons (and other Safeway stores, I presume) their Monopoly game is coming to an end so the cashiers are just handing out fat stacks of tickets. If you scan in the codes using the phone app you must choose three out of nine cards to flip over and if they all match, you win that prize (like, say, a box of animal crackers). You don’t win very often if you do it at random, BUT – and this needs to be verified but was working very well before I ran out of cards to scan – if you put in the same pattern twice in a row the second time seems to pay off all the time.

SonOfSpam

Yes, same pattern. I HAVE SO MANY FREE SINGLE BOTTLES OF WATER ON MY ACCOUNT.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah we have like 40 right now. But the animal cookies make it all worth it.

scotchnaut

Gotta admit, you’re killing “retirement” rn. I’m jealous

scotchnaut

Not Living My Best Life Update:

Store-bought egg salad sandwiches and an over-sized bag of salt and vinegar popcorn are on the menu.

litre_cola

Had Lays chips and coffee for lunch. Tonight may order some Korean Fried Chicken. I have lost 10 lbs this year so my program seems to be working.

SonOfSpam

RIP Tawny Kitaen.

The very definition of “hot mess”

scotchnaut

“I’m gonna miss her so much.”

-Drugs

Gumbygirl

Years ago my brother and some of his friends were in an accident. I went to the hospital right away, because another friend saw it and told me about it. They were all in the emergency room, and one of the girls was shrieking like she was on fire. She had a minor cut on her forehead. This was a very pretty girl, who’s entire sense of self worth was tied to her looks. She couldn’t handle the idea that she wasn’t “perfect” any more. She was screaming that she was ugly, and she wished she was dead. Tawny Kitaen was just like her, beautiful on the outside, empty on the inside.

SonOfSpam

I thought you were gonna say that girl WAS Tawny Kitaen and I would’ve believed every word.

Horatio Cornblower

No shit, that’s exactly where I thought this was headed.

litre_cola

In my mind Gumbygirl held the shrieking harpy and said everything will be alright, then one thing led to another and they had a nice dinner in the cafeteria.

Gumbygirl

Hell no, could not stand her! She ended up a teen mom at 17. Loser. But she did not end up with a noticeable scar. The other girl in the car had a broken hip, and she wasn’t screeching the place down.

Horatio Cornblower

Here’s the hot part:
comment image?fb

For the mess past, just check out any of her later plastic surgeries. God knows it’s tough to age, but sometimes fighting it is so much worse.

scotchnaut

The “Sweet Autumn” movie is at the junction where the handsome male lead is raking leaves angrily.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh good, I’m glad to see he’s doing his part to prevent California wildfires.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m listening to Amazon’s classical station (it’s quite good for quiet mornings) and the song that’s playing now (Gnossiennes No. 1) sounds like it totally ripped off this gem from the Kids soundtrack:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S_S7yNaEyo0

Fronkenshteen

That is one disturbing fucking film.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It sure is! The soundtrack is fucking fantastic, though.

Fronkenshteen

Ziyech!! Now hang on for the draw.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I had not heard that this had been cracked:

https://threatpost.com/cryptologists-zodiac-killer-340-cipher/162353/

Dunstan

Turns out his message was “I am Ted Cruz.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In all seriousness I’m wondering if his misspelling of “paradise” could be used to help identify who it was.

Gumbygirl

Now you’ve summoned the demon

EsTBe17XYAEqO3-.jpeg
Brick Meathook

BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE

scotchnaut

I believe Eddie Money solved it in the form of a song-here’s “Two Tickets To Paradice”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYEgYVyBDuM&ab_channel=folsom90

scotchnaut

Son of a bitch, he spelled it wrong, smh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve told this story before, but I met Eddie Money while he was playing a private birthday party for a friend of the Dr. Mrs. Nice fellow, but the drugs had very clearly taken their toll.

scotchnaut

I’m not watching “Sweet Autumn” on The Women’s Network in case you were wondering.*

*I’m also not triggered by the fact that they were drawing sap out of Maple trees in the fall!!!

Gumbygirl

Ha, you guys all thought Aston Villa was going to suck ass! Turns out they are only moderately sucky!

scotchnaut

So… they’re sucking the perineum?

Gumbygirl

That taint exactly what I meant.

scotchnaut

I just googled “The Patron Saint of Taint” and there ain’t none. Christianity has let me down once again, smgdh

Beerguyrob

There’s no Saint of Taint because most of those boys died & were put into pauper’s graves, where they are watched over by St. Gerolamo Emiliani – the patron saint of orphans.

scotchnaut

I’ve been drinking for a while now and confusion has set in. How would you impregnate the Wawa Goose? I’m thinking that if I had sexy times with that statue and we had babies, then we could populate any number of small Ontario towns with goose statues.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br_uaYeqJRo&ab_channel=CBCNews

Game Time Decision

You use the big Nickel…duh

scotchnaut

According to rumoUrs she was a big slot-so that makes a lot of cents.

yeah right

Happy fun adventure time! I’m sitting indoors! At a medical facility in Harbor City waiting to have blood work done. Despite being fully vaxxed this is creepy as fuck. All of these people could be diseased! All of them! Christ I’ll never get past this shit.

Gumbygirl

You definitely need a cat.

yeah right

The lab technician who took my blood told a true fucking horror story. She gave birth to her first child at the start of March of last year. She said due to the anxiety she wasn’t producing enough milk to feed her baby. She sent her husband to the store to buy formula but this was during the hoarding part of the pandemic. Her mother told her that in the old country they fed the babies starchy rice water during the hard times.

And she did.

I’ll stop complaining about my pandemic times now.

Gumbygirl

Oh my God! Is the baby…alive?

yeah right

She said he’s fine. It was just a couple of days until they could find formula and she supplemented what she could with whatever breast milk she could provide.

I was fucking humbled.

Cecil Rhodes

Good day, citizens. I’m very much looking forward to this contest between the two azure giants of English football. Both teams are literally built using profits reaped from extraction of the Earth’s natural resources — I can think of no better way to construct a successful club (after all, mineral exploration is the cornerstone of all prosperous nations south of the Zambezi).

Last edited 3 years ago by Cecil Rhodes
litre_cola

Well looks like I have a new Dutch team.

https://twitter.com/ESPNFC/status/1390682915781103617?s=19

scotchnaut

I heard that if you officially renege on your fandom of the team you have to write a “Deere Jan” letter.

scotchnaut

I’m flabbermagasted that Horsegirl is three high school kids. Don’t think I’ve posted this tune (like I’m going to scroll thru old posts to see if I did, duh) You can hear the Sonic Youth/late Joy Division influence bleed into this tune.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkOGeuh9jnA&list=RDEMxnOrnWYFRlAkqDDDDbJ9LQ&index=2&ab_channel=Horsegirl-Topic

Horatio Cornblower

/Matt Gaetz has entered the chat

scotchnaut

“That’s ‘Future Chairman of the United States House Committee on Ethics’, thankyouverymuch!”

-M. Gaetz, high on toilet wine, from his minimum security jail cell (2023)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of the things that seems to be getting lost is that Matt Gaetz had to pay women to fuck him. I think it’s important that people remember that fact.

scotchnaut

I’d counter that with the supposition that he preferred to pay women to fuck him-and I think that’s far more disturbing.

Brick Meathook

BEST DOUBLE-X?

Eastman Double-X B&W negative motion picture film
comment image

Winchester Double-X 12 gauge shotgun ammo
comment image

Skinemax Double-X soft-core porn queen Shannon Tweed
comment image

scotchnaut

/pretending it’s a Horatio draft

Shannon Whirry represents some quality late-round value though.

litre_cola

The only futbol that exists to me now is SexsiMexi. Can one of the wrasslin commentists speak to Tony Khan and tell him to focus on his storylines or whatever. He is not a director of futbol

scotchnaut

Having a beverage at 10:45 EST. But it’s okay, I’ve been up since 3:30 so my body/brain thinks it’s actually mid-afternoon. Stay tuned to this channel for more “Lies That I Tell Myself” updates.

BeefReeferLives

comment image

litre_cola

A close friend of mine who runs a winery just asked me about whether my eyes get red with THC gummies. Now I take 10mg ones and due to the constant fatigue they really don’t give me high eyes. This dude takes 100mg doses and wonders why…..

His concern is that his eyes may be too red when operating the tasting room. Ya think????

BeefReeferLives

100 mg?!?! JFC, I don’t think he has to worry about his eyes so much as floating into the ionosphere while extolling the virtues of the pinot noir… comment image

litre_cola

Right??? He has quit heavy drinking by taking gummies and just keeps upping the dose. He found these at an Indian Reserve dispensary. I would sleep for 24 hrs if I took one!!!

/he has lost 52 lbs since the fall so good on him.

Last edited 3 years ago by litre_cola
BeefReeferLives

Whelp, if taking heroic doses is able to curtail a self-destructive drinking habit, more power to him. (If I did that, I would be throwing up in the morning for the next week https://www.leafly.com/news/health/what-is-cannabinoid-hyperemesis-syndrome

litre_cola

Whoa. Way too much wine last night. You know that’s the case when Mrs. Cola woke up in her clothes, no teeth brushed and does not remember going to bed.

We did an online Sauvignon Blanc tasting with another couple and killed 8 bottles of wine and a bottle of Aperol. Ouch.

litre_cola

Very little hangover cuz we was drinkin good stuff. Very tired though.

BeefReeferLives

Indeed. A “top shelf hangover” ain’t no thang. (Especially after a couple of espresso shots and a bong hit of Artizen’s “Poison Fruit” -clearin’ them cobwebs rite out)

Last edited 3 years ago by BeefReeferLives
litre_cola

Uhh I thought I removed your spycam in here.

scotchnaut

I’m here-it’s just that my knees hurt so I’m having trouble typing.

Brick Meathook

I’d watch soccer but I don’t get the Lifetime Channel.

herodotus450

I just assumed soccer was cancelled once NBCSN went away

litre_cola

That’s hockey for yous down there.