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We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:
Copa América (South American Euros)
Euro 2020 (European Euros aka defiers of the space/time continuum)
CONCACAF Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020! Obligatory Hippo Speak – they’s still teh European Euros to me. No, the Golden Shower Cup does not get – or deserve – the North American Euros moniker (or your attention). There are only THREE legitimate Euros – South American, European, and Afrikan.
Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?
From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.
Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada.
Today’s team (and YES, this takes the place of MOAR generic Lesser coverage, since the Prem season ended Thursday night) is:
Finland!
Naturally, I wish to infer something Confederate about this. Like, haven’t you EVAR wondered why teh Klan never covered “Southern Cross” against the backdrop of a wacky blooper reel? Ah noe ah have.
Country Fun Facts
It’s not really fun, but I just finished a WWII “historical fiction” set in Sweden. Turns out, them plucky Swedes also dabbled in…racial/ethnic purity research. And it apparently involved treating the Finns like, I dunno, the Mexicans of Scandinavia. NAWT KEWL, Sweden!
Of course, this gentleman also had designs on Finland, and its Baltic ports:
.
Helsinki is surely the only Finnish city you have heard of. Place your bets as to whether Rikki or Litre got laid there MOAR frequently. Betting on quirkily named sides in the Veikkausliiga is a fun and easy way to lose lots of moneys. RoPS (aka “Pushing RoPS”) and KuPS (aka “Two Girls, One KuPS”) are probably my favoUrites. Probably should ship some more moneys into me Bovada account. What could go wrong??
Team Schedule
Finland is technically the 2nd “seed” in Group B – but clearly less accomplished than Denmark, Belgium (especially them), and even the Rooskies. This is Finland’s very first European Euros appearance, and breaking one’s cherry usually doesn’t feel so great. el schedule:
Sabado, 12 June – Noon EST (we use REAL MURRIKAN time in this here post) v. Denmark (Copenhagen)
Miércoles, 16 June – 9:00a v. Russia (St. Petersburg)
Lunes, 21 June – 3:00p v. Belgium (also St. Petersburg)
Finland is currently 54th in the FIFA rankings, and their all-time peak was 33rd.
Team Preview / Top Players
You have heard of exctly one player, Norwich City’s Teemu Pukki. Be like Homer in that Itchy & Scratchy pitch meeting, always be aking Hey? Where’s Pukki?? and you’ll be fine. Their Keeper turns out in Italy’s Serie B, and has consecutive “aa’s with dots” in his name. I’mma root for that dude.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Finnish Women”
would you just LOOK at those goddamned shoulders!!!!
Be careful not to carelessly search “hot Finns” in case you get on this guy’s mailing list:
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Finnish Food”
No shit, hot dog soup – and HUZZAH, they sure seem Confederate now... I mean, I mostly expected sommet made of fish heads?
Hippo, have you ever been to this country?
No, I am a recluse.
Why you should root for this country
You are the last human alive not tired of Pukki Party!!!11111 memes.
You desire mighty vengeance upon Sweden.
The match against Russia could be delightfully violent.
Why you should NOT root for this country
Hot. Dog. SOUP.
You like summers longer than nine days.
You are a Russian spambot/chaos agent.
You have enough disappointment in your life already.
Ennusteita
These poor fuckers are boned. Play the 2nd best side – Denmark – in fucking Denmark. THEN, fly across everal time zones to play the one beatable opponent – Russia – in fucking Russia.
That 2nd match is on semi-short rest, even. But have no fear, our plucky Finns get an extra day off to sleep off their jetlag…in time to get their shit pushed in by Belgium. Or Belgium’s U23’s, assuming they have already sewn up the group.
Oh well, there’s always this great moment in Finnish Olympics history!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDmAk4i7pM4
Thank you, Feenlund, I love you!!
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