Los Sudamericano Euros 2021 Preview: Chile!

We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

Copa América (South American Euros)
Euro 2020 (European Euros aka defiers of the space/time continuum)
CONCACAF Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games

And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!  Obligatory Hippo Speak – they’s still teh European Euros to me.  No, the Golden Shower Cup does not get – or deserve – the North American Euros moniker (or your attention).  There are only THREE legitimate Euros – South American, European, and Afrikan.

Who shall carry Los Sudamericano Euros en los Estados Unidos?  TUDN en epanol, various Fox Sports entities en ingles.  El schedulo es ahora.

Today’s team (and YES, this takes the place of MOAR generic Lesser coverage, since the Prem has descended into bullshit, and no games until tomorrow anyway) is:

Chile!

Don’t mess with Southern-est Texas, amirite??

Country Fun Facts

It’s pretty much all defined by this fucking asshole:

Thanks in no small part to our delightful American intelligence appartus – which just could not STAND a Monroe Doctrine qualifying nation freely electing a full-on Socialist (footsie with full Communist), the above-pictured motherfucker led a coup.  Over the next 17 years, hordes of folks were detained without any form of legitimate trial, because they were leftist, too intelligent, and/or looked at some precursor-of-Trump-Train-enthusiast wrong.  During my recent read of Rick Perlstein’s excellent (and LONG) book series about the conservative movement – Murrika’s bicentennial included a “Tall Ships” regatta.  Chile sent along one of Pinochet’s infamous torture ships to participate.  Not subtle, these.

My university drinking buddy (we both started at NC State in 1991) was Chilean.  His professor/scientist folks both fled (thankfully pre-torture), setlling in Northern Virginia to work for the federal government.  My buddy naturalized somewhere around 1996, and is a damned proud American citizen. Fortunately, he and his family can now freely visit the land of his birth, which is both stunning and now very politically left/tolerant.  At his second wedding, instead of Bible verses, his (and his wife’s) sisters read poems by this guy:

To this day, it was the coolest wedding I have attended.  Their dog participated, as well.

Rod(rigo) also claimed, during his time at NC State, to have invented a drink he called “Rod’s Old-Fashioned Sour Patch Kids.”  But these delights (which will also REALLY fuck you the fuck up) are actually Chile’s very famous national drink – the pisco sour.

Man, what you could get away with pre-internet.  And yes, Rod and I were renowned for being the best drunken card game players in our West Raleigh circle.  Because we cheated.  Rampantly.  Did y’all play “asshole,” or was that just a local, drunken card game?

Team Schedule

Chile is in Group A – which is both muy dificil and TOTES full of Guays:

Domingo, 13 June – Chile v. Argentina (5:00p EST, FS2/TUDN)

Jueves, 17 June – Chile v. Bolivia (5:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)

Domingo, 20 June – Chile v. Uruguay (4:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)

Miércoles, 23 June – Chile v. Paraguay (8:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)

Team Preview / Top Players

38-year old Demigod Claudio Bravo is back in the side, and will captain things.  But he is the last ember of Chile’s “Golden Generation” still playing.  Alexis Sanchez, and that mohawk Vidal guy are retired from international play.  I mean, they’ll score MOAR than the hapless Bolivians, but not much.  Only one other player even turns out in Europe – and that’s with doormat (and frequent Hippo GAMBLOR tribute!) Valladolid.

Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Chilean Women”

Oh my.  And YES, Rod’s sisters were smoking hot, and NO, it never crossed either of our minds tht he might set me up with one.

Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Chilean Food”

That’s a churrasco steak sandwich.  I’d get mine without all that sauce and cheese, obvs.  But Sudamericano sesoned beef is absolutely to die for.

Hippo, have you ever been to this country?

No, I am a recluse.

Why you should root for this country

Because FUCK Pinochet.  Viva Allende!
You have seen and/or read The Motorcycle Diaries
If they win it, Hippo pledges to ACTUALLY travel there, not just daydream of it (NOTE – remember, as noted above – Hippo is muy excelente el liar)

Why you should NOT root for this country

You are Argentine.  Man, do those cats NOT like one another!
You think torture and authoritarianism have an unfairly tarnished reputation
You want to make a GAMBLOR offering, root for it, and not hopelessly

Ennusteita (Hippo Liked the Finnish Word):

I mean, they’ll make it to the knockout phase – after an opening match thrashing at the hands of the host nation, there are points to be won.  For fuck’s sake, 8 out of the 10 participants wll do so.  As you will see in both the European y Sudamerciano Euros, watered-down brackets have made it almost impossible for a non-shitty side to miss the knockout round.  Participation trophy amirite smh.

After that?  Likely trying to play for pennos against one of the Group B heavyweights, and failing.