Monday Morning Mock Draft Pre-empted For UEFA 2020 (in 2021!)

Good morning fellow degenerates.

No mock draft this morning, as we have four (4) UEFA fixtures to keep track of today.

No games in the 8:30 EST (only legitimate time zone) slot, but we have two (2) at 11 (eleven) and then another two (2) at 2 (two).

(Not Really That) Early Games

North Macedonia v. Netherlands

Assuming I’ve done the calculations correctly, the Dutch are through to the next round with any kind of result. The North Macedonians and the best uniforms in the tournament are going home regardless. As much fun as the North Macedonian team, and their fans, have been to watch the Dutch are just a much better team. This game, (in Amsterdam, as if the North Macedonians weren’t up against it enough), is as ugly as the Dutch want it to be. 2-0 Netherlands.

Ukraine v. Austria

Now we’re talking. Two teams tied in points and goal differential. Winner keeps playing, (until likely getting annihilated in the next round), loser goes home. The game is in Bucharest, Romania, so it seems unlikely that either team has a home field advantage, absent some large contingent of Hapsburg aficionados showing up. Ukraine has scored more one (1) more goal than Austria has, but has also given up one (1) more goal than Austria. These teams seem pretty evenly matched to me, but I haven’t seen enough to really know. I have seen enough of Austria’s uniforms to know that I don’t want to see their tribute to toothpaste again after today. Based solely on that, I’ll say Ukraine prevails 3-2, as both sides go all out to advance. (Game ends in a dull-ass tWBS)

Afternoon Games

Finland v. Belgium

This game has more meaning than you’d think. If Finland can get any sort of result against Belgium they will advance to the second round, an outcome no one saw coming, probably even Finland. Finland, of course, got 3 (three) points with a 1-0 win over Denmark, in a game that was controversially restarted hours after Denmark’s best player collapsed in what is frankly the most terrifying thing I’ve seen happen in a live sporting event. So they have those points and are even (-0-) in goal differential. With Russia likely to get curb-stomped against Denmark, the Finns can advance with just one (1) more point. Belgium (although they haven’t played like it so far), is the #1 (one) ranked team in the world, and much better than Finland. They’re technically, (the best kind of correct), not through to the second round, as both Russia and Finland could theoretically catch and pass them with significant victories today, in the same sense that I could theoretically still win Powerball and marry Elle MacPherson. The game is in St. Petersburg so the Russian fans, when not being incredibly racist and trying to kill people, should be rooting hard for Belgium. I think Belgium does just enough early to get a quick lead, then sits the Big 3 (three) and anyone with a yellow card or the slightest of owies, winning 2-1.

Russia v. Denmark

THE GAME OF THE DAY! The Russian team has not looked good so far, managing only to scratch out a win against a Finnish team that really isn’t good, (they had been outshot by 17 (seventeen!), against Denmark), and somehow being convincingly beaten by a Belgium team that hasn’t seemed to be really trying through the first two games. Denmark was clearly the second best team in this Group before Eriksen went down, but now needs to win this game by 3 (three) goals, and hope that Finland loses, in order to advance. Did I mention that the game is in Copenhagen? Because it is. Expect a wild crowd and a motivated Danish squad to let it all hang out in an effort to move forward. Will they do it? Oh fuck no, because this is 2021, and we can’t have nice things. Denmark prevails, 3-1, falling just short and annoying me to no end.

To the pretending to work, sports-ball watching and, (if you’re lucky) day drinking on a Monday!