Today is Labor Day, when U.S. workers are celebrated without the commie brainwashing of May Day. Union types are urged to forgo meetings and picketing, and just take a load off–like it were any normal workday. Big Bidness folks grope and spit on overtime laws, while small businessfolks debate whether to give the day off or witness wage theft on real time. What a rich spectrum doth Labor Day provide, and Fozz tore a new one into job interviewers today. I will instead celebrate a particular type of worker: the detached clock puncher.

In his professional habitat, entering to start shift

Whether in restaurants or offices, universities or schools, the detached clock puncher (“DCP”) will only talk to you during business hours, and never volunteer personal details. At five minutes before the end of the shift, the DCP’s exit routine automatically activates: some tidying up the work area, go to bathroom to runoff clock / urinate, and lock the verbal output to “See you tomorrow / Have a good weekend” murmurs. DCPs won’t necessarily peel off the parking lot, but a DCP will never let your car pass first.

You know better than inviting DCPs for lunch. However, treating a DCP as a human being (like going to lunch and offering to bring back something), may provoke an amiable response down the line. Don’t expect to ever find out a DCP’s food allergies, or corroborate rumors that a DCP only favors plain burgers with lots of sweet relish. But do brace yourself for a DCP responding to accumulated friendly gestures with chitchat in awkward moments—like waiting for everyone to fucking come to the break room and so we can finally shout “Surprise” to the bosses’ snitch and eat cake at our workstations. I sure as hell don’t miss office birthdays–point for Covid.

Anyway, even at the friendliest, a DCP will always look at you as someone “from work”, and therefore unworthy to know The Real Person with hopes, aspirations of meeting a dreamy Belarussian online, and currently hosting a “The Secret” spoilers blog. The DCP may tell you tales of relatives, but keep no pictures of them around; sign up for Zumba or Pilates, but never recruit you for a gym discount; and squirm like a worm on vinegar upon hearing a coworker say “We going out for drinks at 5, wadda ya say?” In this part of the world, the last sighting of a DCP who accepted that invitation was staggering drunkenly out of a karaoke bar at 6:45 PM, after a shouty rendition of “My Way”.

And now we pause for

NFL NEWS

Starting

-Tyrod Taylor is the Texans starting QB. The Texans QB room is composed of Taylor, Deshaun Watson and rookie Davis Mills (Stanford). Watson, howevah, “is expected to be a healthy scratch on game days”. So then: Davis Mills will set the world on fire.

Let’s go to the public record! First stop, Wiki P: when Tyrod Taylor was in Cleveland, he got injured in Week 3, putting into gear the Baker Mayfield overexposure offensive. Then Taylor went to the Chargers; the last time he played was in mid-September, 2020, as confirmed after googling “chargers lung tyrod”. Which of course takes you to team doctors puncturing Taylor’s lung by painkiller to broken ribs OMFG…. The rest is Justin Herbert’s meteoric career.

That backdrop aside, Taylor gets the chance to mop up whatever reputation’s left of the Texans, starting this Sunday when Jags go to Houston. Godspeed, Tyrod. But if Taylor gets injured by Week 4, don’t act surprised when Davis Mills comes out flyin’ for the Texans.

The mini-Toms freaking kill me

Expected to play

–Saquon Barkley. Giants HC Joe Judge reported that Barkley “was smiling today”, I would guess at a joke at the expense of Judge’s Mama. Jints host the Donks on Sunday.

Please, Jeebus

-WR Jamison Crowder, Jets. It’s for Covid, and HC Robert Saleh said Crowder “has virus-related symptoms”. The receiver requires being asymptomatic for 48 hours + 2 negative tests, so espen concludes he’s been vaccinated. Jets at Panthers on Sunday.

Out (Covid)

-OL Austin Jackson & TE Adam Shaheen (Dolphs). Miami plays at New England on Sunday.

-RG John Miller (CAR). Even the Sam Darnold Revenge Game got me riled up. As I’m gonna burn in Hell regardless, why pull punches: “Touch of Downs” is my favorite nickname of all time.

SPROTS TONITE:

 Thin but varied docket. All times Central:

JV Fitbaw!

D’awh, how cute.

Louisville @ Ole Miss – 7:00 PM

A month ago I found out Lane Kiffin is the Ole Miss coach, after stumbling onto a tweet about Kiffin’s support for vaccination. That was the first positive thing I had heard about Monte Kiffin’s son since Lane’s 71^st day as Raiders head coach. A more recent positive thing about Lane Kiffin: he’s got Covid and will miss today’s game. Kiffin said in a statement he’s “grateful to be vaccinated and experiencing only mild symptoms”.

WNBA

Phoenix @ Indiana – 6:00 PM

Major League Stats

Marineros (Kikuchi, 7-7) @ BOO astros BOO (McCullers Jr., 10-4) – 6:10 PM

Rangers (Alexy, 1-0) @ Angelinos (Barria, 2-2) – 8:07 PM.

Tennis – U.S. Open

 Men’s Singles 4th Round

#1 Djokovic (SRB) v. J. Brooksby (USA) – 6:00 PM

Women’s Singles 4th Round

#17 Sakkari (GRE) vs. #6 Andreescu (CAN) – 8:30 PM

So you want doubles action, huh?

Mixed Doubles Quarterfinals

Yastremska + Purcell vs. Shvedova + Martin – 6:00 PM

Women’s Doubles 3^rd Round

Rodionova + Rodionova vs. Bouzkova + Hradecka – 6:00 PM

Finally, gotta say: the truest detached clock punchers I’ve met have mostly been in the public sector (YMMV). These are the folks that, when you arrive at the office fifteen minutes before closing, meet you with “I already turned off my computer”. They are the gatekeepers of entangled bureaucracy; if you’re uppity by nature, best send a flunky. But those DCPs could help out if you come all humble (which, really, is as good baseline as any when meeting folks outside a prison). Go in humble and maybe the stars could align: you catch the DCP just finishing a coffee and having a beef with the supervisor.

Full respect, DCPs. I will always appreciate your honesty in telling me that you couldn’t loan me your jack for my car’s flat tire three blocks away because it was 4:37 already and you needed it in case of an emergency. That is why, when Jenny once got drunk and told me she gave you a ride home back in ’14, I never asked if your house was the blue or green one. Grind on, DCPs; may your pension fund remain solvent and the rumors of you having an interesting personal life be true.