“Ladidahdahdah, just a normal Tuesday. Maybe I’ll check in on DoorFliesOpen…”
BOOM! STEALTH CRIMEBEAT!
Oh bitches, you didn’t realize what you were walking into, didja?
Don’t worry. It’ll all be over soon. Just lie back and think of England.
*Well, the lead story as of this morning involved a stripper, her monkey, Halloween and the University of Texas football team. I’m sure Balls can construct his own extremely depraved scenario based solely on that. The reality was somewhat weirder. I apologize for dipping into the hated JV Football ranks, but I was getting ready to fall asleep when I checked Twitter one last time (always a mistake). Come with me now on a guided tour of how the story developed as I read:
1. A trick or treater was injured by a monkey
Me: Huh. That’s weird.
2. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas Longhorns special teams coach
Me: Wait, a Power 5 college coordinator has a monkey?
3. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend.
Me: Is that better or worse?
4. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend, who is a stripper that he left his wife for.
Me: Better
5. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend, who is a stripper that he left his wife for, known as the “Pole Assassin” and who USES THE MONKEY IN HER ACT
Me: Oh shit, take cover- we’re about to get PETA up in this fuckaround.
6. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend, who is a stripper that he left his wife for, known as the “Pole Assassin” and who uses the monkey in her act and is tweet-defending herself and the monkey in a conversation with PFTCommenter. The incident is not expected to compromise the coach’s status as a leading contender for the Washington State head coaching job.
Me:
The story continues to develop, but I blacked out from weirdness.
*Raiders second-year receiver Henry Ruggs III is facing 2-20 years after he drove impaired and killed a woman. At 3:30 a.m. on Tuesday, Ruggs drove his Corvette into the back of a Toyota SUV, which caught fire. It’s unclear whether the driver of the SUV died before or after the fire broke out.
Please note as you read stories about this tragedy the disgusting and cowardly linguistic contortions “reporters” and Access Whores are going through to avoid saying Ruggs killed this woman.
A statement on #Raiders WR Henry Ruggs, who is being charged with DUI resulting in death for his role in a car crash that LVMPD say involved a deceased victim. pic.twitter.com/OlfR0YGRJK
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) November 2, 2021
Note Rapoport’s verbiage: “a car crash that LVMPD say involved a deceased victim.” I’m sorry, Ian, do you think the woman in the SUV was dead BEFORE the collision and fire? Was this a Weekend at Bernie’s road movie? Fuck you, shitweasel.
Also, it’s time for our DFO Yearly Reminder: don’t ever drive impaired. We here at DFO are generally friendly to the less-damaging classes of intoxicants, in keeping with our Anti-Pants Agenda. However, it’s a big weird world out there, and a lot of Really Bad Shit can happen when you are not in full control of a metric tonne of high speed metal. Take a Lyft. Stagger home. Or my personal favorite, stay home and get fershnickered in the comfort of your favorite chair/couch/throw-rug.
LESSER SPORTS:
Cheaters. Racists. Racists. Cheaters.
OBSCURE MOVIE TIP: None! Instead, you should see Free Guy! It’s neat, and you can rent it at home now. Maybe have a drink.
[…] stripping adventures with her emotional support capuchin Gia ranged from Jerry Springer to the infamous Halloween Monkey Biting Child incident. That saga remains one of the highlights of my time writing for you sorry little ingrates. […]
[…] thought you could escape the sordid tale of a stripper, her monkey, Halloween and the University of Texas football team. You thought it was some sort of candy-and-alcohol-hangover hallucination, an Internet Age version […]
I swear, if that bitch who borrowed my Rav4 this morning doesn’t at least return my calls…
For no reason at all, did you have a high collision deductible?
Again, just making conversation for no reason at all.
There are certain foods that I’ve decided are much better to buy already made than to make them myself.
Beans fall into that category.
Others include:
Rotisserie chicken
Tacos Al Pastor
Tortillas
Cheese
Salsa/Hot sauce
Ice Cream
Indian.
Thai.
“The fuck?”
-D. McNabb
YES!
You folks have probably forgotten more about cooking in a wok than I ever knew, but I thought I read somewhere that you need a lot of flame to make the wok work right. That your $20 Walmart electric wok won’t cook properly.
I had one of those $20 Walmart woks, and my wife and I would cook stir-fry using one of those spice packets just like the ones with brown gravy and chili seasoning. Straight out of the trailer, that’s me. Anyway, we made some for my m-i-l and she loved it! Insisted we get her a wok. The next time we visit she shows off her Asian cooking skills. It was a couple of those packets, some chicken, a bunch of stew vegetables, and it was stir-boiled in the wok. Kind of a chicken soup/stew that used the stir-fry seasoning. You had to use a ladle to get it out of the wok. I felt bad for my father-in-law.
I like a good pot of beans.
Pinto beans, ham/bacon/salt pork, diced onion. Soup beans ftw!
Carne en su jugo. Flank steak, bacon, tomatillos, pinto beans (canned is fine), beef broth, and cilantro. That might be supper next Sunday.
Now you tell me!
I’m watching the results CNN while imagining a crowd in my mind chanting:
“Mail! In! Ballots!” clap clap clapclapclap “Mail! In! Ballots!” clap clap clapclapclap
Personally I blame all of you for that. For several reasons.
white Sox won a title in 2005?
I have no memory of this
I was thinking of quitting my job. I had four guys I trained up to help out in our training department.
All four got poached while I was flying to Canada. Not really devastated about my workload but more about “wow….I could make this much to follow them?!?”
Then dealing with this traffic. And the crazy social problems. And the new bosses compared to what I am used to.
Nah….I like the Blue Ridge Mountains.
5 minute drive to work. Two day weekend hiking on the Appalachian Train (I recently did the triple crown with a friend).
I am not ready to move to a big city.
And for anyone saying “You can work remote” which is what a lot of the headhunters say, just fucking wait until covid is over. You have to move to Atlanta or some shit on little notice.
I also passed on remote jobs. If you’re a voice or an email, you can be let go quickly. Also, if it does change, you could find out the job location sucks and your coworkers are worse.
so no more baseball for 5 months? sign me up
Why not! My team decided to rest on its laurels a month early.
My bean soup is not going to be ready tonight. I soaked them, but they’re still rock hard. They’ve been cooking for over two hours. Oh well, it will be good tomorrow. I think it’s the altitude causing problems. Pasta takes forever to cook, even though the water comes to a boil faster.
You don’t have a pressure cooker? I couldn’t cook beans without mine.
I once was drunk and cook a tennis shoe in a pressure cooker. I t was surprisingly good.
I found out the other day that you don’t soak the beans to soften them, you soak them to neutralize https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phaseolus_vulgaris#Toxicity . Some friends of mine recently cooked kidney beans in the crock pot, and got so sick that if it wasn’t for covid and not being able to decide who would drive they’d have gone to the ER. Moral of the story: soak your beans and boil them for 10 minutes.
I made more Pepper Spray Steaks. The secret ingredient this time? Medium heat, not high. There was only minimal coughing!
These pepper spray steaks sound intriguing
I’m running low on my Reaper salt.
I should bring the ghost vodka and we can make a spicy dinner and kill ourselves with capsaicin.
I’m now imagining having to introduce my Internet friends to my grandfather. He would be very confused.
I’ll make him a brazen bull. He won’t even notice me.
Evening lizard people. Fuck Altuve.
Always and forever.
Somehow CFL football is tolerable in Canada.
I am not even getting upset by the illegal motion prior to the snap. It somehow makes sense up here.
Wow, I’m actually surprised Minnesota decided not to replace the police. However its less “We love the Police” and more “What the hell is a Dept. of Public Safety?!”.
The majority of people clamoring for defunding the police have clearly never lived in a bad neighborhood before.
The problem is that you can’t get the cops to show up for anything short of an active hostage situation.
Less cops is not the answer. And these idiots that say “well we can have more social workers” clearly don’t understand that social workers typically need police escorts to visit people so they don’t get violently assaulted.
Sorry I’m being so political tonight. But between the VA results and having my team’s most promising young receiver one-up Britt Fucking Reid, I’m having a shitty night. Gonna take what little joy I can in watching the Asterisks lose the World Series in front of their cheater-loving fans.
Okay with me. After watching the View hosts completely destroy the Conservative Punching Bag they have as the Guest Co-Host, anything I see here is nothing compared to that.
Also, I’m sorry about your receiver and team.
Most Vancouver thing I have seen all week.
I saw a needle down by the LA river a couple days ago. I kicked it into the water so my dog wouldn’t get near it but now I’m a bit regretful because it’ll probably end up in the ocean.
East Hastings is crazy. Its basically just like where I grew up on Gay Street in Baltimore, minus the gun fire.
I’m a block away where right now, from my hotel, nine skyscrappers are being built at the same exact fucking time.
I am seriously about done with this website. How on earth do people log into using a laptop? I can only use my fucking cell phone and I hate using that.
I keep logging in. It says that I have. Then it tells me to log the fuck back in.
Okay now you are fucking with me. I can use my computer for any thread but this one.
My experience has been to just refresh the page after you’ve logged in and it should be fine.
WELL NOW I KNOW! EXPLAIN THAT TO THE HOSTEL I JUST TRASHED ON EAST HASTINGS IN A RAGE!!!
I am so fucking triggered right now. I just randomly tried to refresh my computer and now it works.
I hate you all. All of you.
I kid.
I’m taking some solace from the VA results by reminding myself that VA often flips from the Presidential results, and that it’s not nearly as big a reversal as the latest Democratic wins in Kentucky or Louisiana.
And hell, I’m glad it happened to Virginia and not here in California.
I look forward to a bunch of the teachers in my area shocked that the venture capitalist they voted for who promised to kill teachers unions, kill their teachers union.
That plus the dozens of teachers who die when COVID runs rampant through schools after the new government declares the pandemic over and eliminates any and all attempts to curb the spread of the virus during the upcoming winter wave.
We just elected a guy who is a “business leader” whose experience is amazingly less successful than Trump.
On a positive, he doesn’t believe any of the shit he says so he will just enrich his buddies and then disappear.
My niece is a teacher in Virginia. I am scared for her. I’m scared for all of us.
To keep myself from thinking a bunch of people that I like are actually fascists or racists, I tell myself that your average person thinks of voting like they think about their favorite NFL team. Yeah, my team’s QB is an idiot and a rapist, and that makes me feel minorly regretful. Yeah, the party I vote for is against racial equality and vaccines, and that makes me feel minorly regretful.
Seriously, people that I knew were smart people pulled the lever in 2016 for a guy I wouldn’t trust to guard my bowling ball.
Source: the McCaskey family crest.
UPDATE: The crash also killed the woman’s dog. I don’t want to rush to judgment, but shootin’s too good for him.
Ooh, it’s been a while since we’ve seen a player win the Donté Stallworth Award <i>and</i> the Michael Vick Award in the same season.
If there was anyone in any trunk it would be up for the Rae Carruth
“That’s too far man”
–Britt Reid
Solar treated that ball like Henry Ruggs III does an SUV when driving drunk.
Come on, Liberal Vote Counters. Steal this one late. You’ve done it before!!!
I wonder if you are going to see the GOP claim that there was no fraud in this election, or that there WAS fraud and Youngkin would have won even bigger.
I do expect to see Youngkin pressured into doing a pointless “audit” of the 2020 results even though if the election was rigged he wouldn’t have won his own election.
Knowing his luck, he’ll win, have an “audit” and the results says he really lost.
The monkey is used in the act. That is some Kinky Kelly type shit right there.
It’s not Rod n’ Todd, but it’s still schadenfreude.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/doc-gallagher-christian-radio-host-3-life-prison-terms-ponzi-scheme/
If the monkey biting a child’s face and the murderin’ Raider isn’t miserable enough for you, you can always tune in to the VA election results, which look to be horrific if you don’t care to see “welfare queen” type dogwhistles make a comeback.
(oh, who am I kidding, they never left)
Fucking hell.
That is…less than ideal.
It’s awful, because a lot of people turned out. Just a broad victory for the crazies who will spend the next term freaking out about CRT boogeymen, getting their hospitals overrun with COVID cases, and restricting abortion rights.
Meanwhile, not a single fucking one of them can tell you what CRT is. They think it means “I’m being told I’m racist only because I’m white.”
Goddammit, this country is fucking dumb.
That’s not it? Jeez, I’m confused what it means. Which means I shouldn’t join a debate or question it since I don’t have all the facts!!!!!!
Questioning it is fine. Trying to understand it is fine. Criticizing it is fine. Disliking it (if you know what it actually is) is fine.
Screaming to outright ban it in all schools when you have little to no understanding whatsoever as to what it actually is is a terrible idea.
That’s not just CRT, either–that’s everything. Every subject, every lesson.
Well at least this goes to show that truth means nothing and being craven fuckwads is rewarded.
The press is going to gleefully talk about this result for the next six months, which is irritating because when Newsom beat the living shit out of the recall effort in CA nobody talked about it for more than three days after it was over.
Well, except for articles explaining how getting trounced was actually good news for Larry Elder….
That just means the independents want results and answers. However since those two Senators who won’t let Biden do anything are Republicans at worst or DINOs and the Progressives in the House follow the Tea Party negotiation of “Everything or nothing!” we’re all horribly, horrifically screwed.
Thankfully, the Democrats will learn that centrist candidates don’t really appeal to their base or the general public and will stop chasing the mythical “centrist voter.”
JK Democrats never learn jack shit and they’ll keep doing the same fucking thing as we sink further into a fascist state.
I’m a myth?
“No, you’re a mythter.” – Mike Mayock
Republicans have been massively successful in pursuing increasingly unpopular legislation because instead of chasing some voter they know doesn’t exist in any meaningful way, they crystalize the base they have now by strong-arming their conservative, regressive agendas. It works because they know they don’t have to appease anyone except the conservative voters. And those voters vote in droves, at every level.
Democrats claim to support legislative positions that are widely popular and very progressive, but they mealy-mouth their way into pissing off their actual, should-be-growing base by trying to negotiate in good faith with inflexible Republicans in the name of “unity” and trying to appeal to the center. Meanwhile the GOP gleefully takes advantage of the milquetoast Dem approach and gerrymanders their way into fucking our whole entire country over in favor of the 1%, all the while screaming at the top of their lungs that Dems are communists and liberals and hate America.
Look at pretty much any “issues” poll you want outside of Fox News or OAN and you’ll see that Americans overwhelmingly support a left-leaning agenda and that that support is only growing.
So why do Democrats keep getting their asses kicked? Why do they not have a 70-30 or better Senate majority? Why is McAuliffe losing today? Why is Biden’s popularity plummeting? Because instead of energizing the people who love the positions they should support, Dems spend all their time trying to woo the “centrist voter” by not doing too much liberal stuff. If the centrist voter existed in any federally or state-legislature/governor-level meaningful way, the Republican party would be all but extinct because Democrats would have captured virtually all of those votes.
So unfortunately, for all intents and purposes, yes: you are a myth. Nothing against you personally. You’re entitled to your views just as I am, and I respect the fact that you sit much closer to the middle than my old librul hippie dipshit ass. But your vote isn’t what’s going to turn the tide against the fascistic GOP and, frankly, shouldn’t be what Democrats are trying to get. I really, truly don’t mean that in a condescending or insulting way–that’s just, unfortunately, how it is in our insanely partisan system.
If Democrats actually did what they should do to legislate in a way that the majority of their would-be voting base wanted, they’d be significantly farther left than they are. There just aren’t enough people who want to ride the fence between the parties to really matter as far as voting goes.
All good. I’m okay being the exception to the rule. It makes me feel exceptional.
19736456.gif (380×200) (gr-assets.com)
However, in 2016 I stayed home and Trump won. In 2020, I voted for Biden and Trump lost. How many other people stayed home in 2016 and showed up in 2020?
I’m all for the Democrats doing things when they’re in power; they have their own base they need to cater too, and elections has consequences. However you cannot assume that you can rely solely on your base. That’s the real reason why Trump lost in 2020.
There are some politicians that have some popularity across parties. Sen. Tester in Montana (D) and Gov. Larry Hogan in Maryland (R) make it work. But as a rule, people vote party, not issues. So unless you are a good politician, you’re going to have to rely on turnout – energizing your base and discouraging theirs.
I’m still in shock that an emotional support monkey bit someone. It’s owner surely merits the dedication of the DSM-VI.
Ah, the Dumb Stupid Monkey book, Volume 6.
Fuck the College Football Playoff Committee. If they’re going to reward the past success of the same sorry ass teams, then we may as well bring back the BCS!
Look, I know you’re about all things Cincy but a drunk stripper monkey was in a fatal crash. Have some perspective!
You forget, I’m still a Conservative. Bitching and moaning about insane troll logic regarding voting results unfavorable to me personally is literally our party’s platform.
I agree, but bear in mind: these are just the first rankings. A whole lot of football and heartbreak can happen between now and the final rankings.
But Cincy should absolutely have been in there right now.
Didn’t UCF get this very same jam job a few years ago?
My daughter at UC is/was all excited that the Bearcats were #2 in the polls. However, what she knows about football is that it’s the game with the pointy ball, and I tried to mentally prepare her for what the bowl committee was going to do to UC. I barely follow college football anymore, because the money grab is beyond blatant at this point. Living here in Columbus doesn’t help.
DFO, come for the dick jokes, stay for the detailed breakdown of criminal primate activity
Ya know, speaking of “pole assassin” I hear-
(realize I made a Lindsey Graham joke in the Quotables thread)
Woozle wuzzle?