El Beisbol’s Triumphant Return (and I can tell you’re all thrilled)

I’m theeWeeBabySeamus, and I love baseball.

HI SEAMUS!!!!

Wait, it gets worse. I’m a (gulp)….Baltimore Orioles fan.

So today, against my better judgement, not to mention my physician’s advice, I begin my six month period of falling off the wagon and binging on baseball.  The really sad part about this is that I watch all of it whenever I can.  Which means I get to see teams play it well, then I get to see Baltimore play it…not so well.  It is a recipe for bipolar mood swings and heavy drinking.  And violence sometimes.

Yes, I have a problem.

/gets violently kicked out of meeting

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Ah yes….Opening Day, when hope springs eternal and everybody has a shot at the pennant. Except for Baltimore.

By the time you read this, a mini slate of three Sunday games will have already happened/will be happening, of course (Thanks ESPN). STL/PIT, TOR/TB and NYM/KC go today (wait…interleague on Opening Day? Thanks again, ESPN).

But Opening Day for NORMAL human types is tomorrow.  Some passing thoughts…

Cubs could finally break thru (but let’s hope not).
KC is still a thing.
Fuck the Mets (more on this later).
Atlanta will suck (yay).
Oakland fans should buy a boat and emigrate a few miles west.
The AL East teams will once again pound on one another and anyone could win it…aside from Baltimore (boo).

With those thoughts in mind, lets get to some half-assed predictions, shall we?
(Did I mention Baltimore will suck?)

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National League West

1. SF – If they can stay healthy, it’s their race to lose. Granted, that’s a big if.
2. LA – Clayton Kershaw, and everybody else, might be enough.
3. AZ – Zack Grienke won’t be enough this year for the Snakes, Paul Goldschmidt seethes.
4. COL – No pitching is a poor plan for success. Balls are gonna be flying out of Coors like…(damn…I had something for this).
5. SD – Hey at least the weather’s great…let’s hit the beach.

National League Central

1. CHI – Most talent, best manager, we can only hope history continues biting them in the ass. Go History!!!!!
2. STL – Never, EVER, count out the Cards…even if no pennant, they’ll be in the playoffs. Then promptly kick YOUR team’s ass.
3. PIT – Young talent, if it matures, could make Yinzers very happy…Next year.
4. CIN – To win, you gotta score runs…Cincy no so very goodly at that. Marge Schott’s ghost is gonna be up to four packs a day by the All-Star Break.
5. MIL – When the crown jewel of your lineup is Ryan Braun, just lay down and die already.

National League East

1. NYM – Fuck you, Mets.
2. WAS – Our best hope to keep those Mets assholes out of the post-season lies in DC. Sadly, now I have to hope Bryce Harper does well. And Dusty Baker. FML.
3. MIA – Stanton and Fernandez will do some good things. They’ll also do some inexplicably stupid things. If Donnie Baseball can figure out the whole “manager dynamic”, they’ll have a shot (spoiler alert…he won’t).
4. PHI – Ryan Howard is looking around like, where the hell did everybody go? The only thing keeping these guys out of the cellar will be…
5. ATL – Oh how the mighty have fallen. And Oh how I love it. How ya like me now, Nick Markakis?

Wild Cards  – STL, WAS
NL Champ  – STL

MVP  – Bryce Harper (WAS)
CY  – Clayton Kershaw (LA)
MOY  – Joe Maddon (CHC)

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American League West

1. HOU – Carlos Correa is a force to be reckoned with. And Houston is loaded. Even Brandon Weeden couldn’t fuck this up for them…I think.
2. TEX – If they stay healthy and get some breaks, they could push Houston.
3. LAA – Glory Days…aging high priced talent. They could compete, but probably won’t.
4. SEA – Mismatched pieces with no chemistry. They will never be more than the sum of those current mismatched pieces, and probably often even less.
5. OAK – See Seattle. But hey, at least there’s a good team just right across the bay.

American League Central

1. KC – I really wanted to find a reason not to put KC at the top. I couldn’t.
2. CWS – Outside shot to unseat KC if starting rotation comes together. And it might, but probably not this year. Chris Sale and a still way too young Rodon ain’t enough.
3. CLE – Great rotation, but say it again with me folks…if you can’t score runs you can’t win.
4. MIN – Surprised a lot of folks last year. Will not surprise a lot of folks this year.
5. DET – Lotsa old guys gonna have to produce, lotsa newcomers gonna have to fit in. Good luck with that.

American League East

1. TOR – In spite of losing Price, the division is still theirs to lose.
2. BOS – In spite of gaining Price, they need some guys to improve on their pathetic ’15 efforts.
3. NYY – Yanks avoided spending a shit ton of money this past offseason, for the first time in like forever. They’ll regret that.
4. TB – Lotsa youth, lotsa offensive question marks. And no Joe Maddon.
5. BAL – Potent but often streaky and unreliable offense, no reliably consistent starting pitching.

UBALDO!!!!!!!!

Wild Cards  – TEX, BOS
AL Champ  – HOU

MVP  – Carlos Correa (HOU)
CY  – David Price (BOS)
MOY  – AJ Hinch (HOU)

WS Champ  – The Dirt Texans in six (sorry Hippo).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUOCoU8riJU

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go start drinking….heavily.

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