Madness, March Edition (or how I learned nothing about basketball from this drivel)

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It’s once again the time of year when, having watched about 26 minutes of college basketball all season, everyone becomes an expert on whether Butthole State can upset high-powered Sphincter U. (is it going to be all about bodily apertures again? – ed.) (depends, which is what your mother asked me to get her this morning – SoS)

You know what? I think I did the whole “insult the editor” bit last time I wrote. So we’ll skip it, unless I run out of ideas, which could happen by the end of this paragraph. Anyway…basketball. The greedy bastards who run things haven’t ruined the college basketball playoffs yet, and the whole shebang

starts on Thursday morning (or afternoon if you’re back East or in The Faroe Islands). This post should help those of you who, for whatever reason, don’t spend hours upon hours listening to Dick Vitale five months a year. Let’s start our breakdown with the West Region, home of Malibu and a huge throbbing Oregon.

West Region

I. Gonzaga – Used to be a fun team to root for; this smallish Catholic school in Spokane somehow became a powerhouse. Now they’re annoyingly good every year, and it turns out famous alum John Stockton is a shitty person. Still, they might win it all.

II. Duke – As you may have heard, Coach Krushelnyski is retiring after some unworthy team knocks Duke (named for Randolph and Mortimer) out of the tournament. Coach K is a miserable asshole and will not be missed. Duke students are as likeable as USC students while being less attractive.

III. Texas Tech – The school is in a great wasteland city called Lubbock, and their nickname is the Red Raiders. Who the hell is raiding anything in Lubbock? The only reason to go there is to get directions for how to get away from there. But we’ll all root for them to beat Duke next week.

IV. Arkansas – PIG SOOEY is what Arkansas fans yell unabashedly when the team does well or as a mating call to a first cousin. No reason for the state to exist.

V. Connecticut – The polar opposite of Arkansas in every way, UConn could’ve put their flagship university anywhere and chose Storrs, a crappy strip mall of a city who hosts a campus with all the charm of a Moldovan apartment building. The Kemba Walker year was fun. I REMEMBA KEMBA.

VI. Alabama – They call Alabama the Crimson Tide…call me Deacon Blues. (Quoting Steely Dan is absolutely the kindest thing I can say about Alabama.)

VII. Michigan State – Ugh, these guys. They play boring Big 10 basketball for Coach Izzo, and they might win a game or two. Magic Johnson is an alum. Wait, did he graduate? I worry that if he didn’t he may not be successful.

VIII. Boise State – HEY THEY PLAY FOOTBALL ON THAT BLUE FIELD and that’s what I know about this school. Idaho is fine if you like fishing and/or hate minorities.

IX. Memphis – Thanks to Marc Cohn, we know there’s a Beale Street in Memphis, and that walkin’ it is really great. The coach is Penny Hardaway who is somehow getting top recruits despite never having coached before. They invented the blues, Elvis, and barbecue.

X. Davidson – John Davidson was one of the hosts of That’s Incredible in the 80s. It was such a kickass show, they renamed Butthole State College to Davidson University. Steph Curry played there but no one cares about him. It’s all about John Davidson in this house.

XI. Rutgers or Notre Dame – These two will play for the right to meet Alabama. There’s nothing remotely interesting about this.

XII. New Mexico State – If you like green chiles, this is the state for you. The school’s nickname is the Aggies, which sounds like someone misheard the suggestion and wrote down the wrong word. . Too bad, could’ve been the Magpies.

XIII. Vermont – Now here’s a cool nickname: the Catamounts! Sounds like an Italian guy getting excited watching his feline get it on. Also, Vermont is where you go if New Hampshire is a little too urban.

XIV. Montana State – Montana is in Big Sky Country. Legally, I think the sky is the same size everywhere. But Montana also has bears. What they don’t have is a chance to win against a good team.

XV. Cal State Fullerton – Many of the world’s smartest and most accomplished people have matriculated here. Are two of them living in my house? YOU BET YOUR ASS. Pretty close to Disneyland, and also near a Target and several freeway onramps. Still, great school from a great conference from a great state. And everyone in the world will root for them Friday night against Duke. GO TITANS. (remove the A and N and it would say GO TITS which is cool and funny)

XVI. Georgia State – They ain’t winning. Next region.

South Region

I. Arizona – This is a really good team who could win it all. Also, the school is in Tucson, known as America’s Nardtapping Capital. The ceremony for that was lovely.

II. Villanova – Latin for “new house” which is funny because Philadelphia doesn’t have anything new. They pronounce water as warter and are proud of cheesesteak sandwiches but it’s only authentic if you use Cheese Whiz which wait now you wanna go to a Wawa? True story: I once had a neighbor (from Chicago) who told me that he seriously thought people from Philly might have chromosomal issues and it was really really important that I believe him because he was doing me a favor.

III. Tennessee – Take me to another place, take me to another land. Damn, that first Arrested Development album was good, then they turned into a comedy series which was funny but confusing.

IV. Illinois – Pretty sure there’s no difference among most Big 10 (now with 14) teams. The campus is in Champaign, and if you think some hayseed misspelled the French sparkling wine, well, that’s exactly what happened.

V. Houston – We have a problem. GET IT? FROM THAT MOVIE WITH TOM HANKS? CAST AWAY? This team is pretty good. You’re welcome for that expert anal ysis.

VI. Colorado State – The school is in Fort Collins, where Phil held off Peter Gabriel to become the lead singer of Genesis. That’s All.

VII. Ohio State – If you ever say Ohio State, and some idiot tries to correct you with “THE Ohio State” it is perfectly legal to punch him in the Buckeyes. This is another horrid bunch of fans. They’re frontrunning assholes PLUS they’re bitter because they live in Ohio. Avoid them at all costs.

VIII. Seton Hall – Random Big East school that I think might be in New Jersey? No idea honestly. Weird to place a whole-ass college in a Hall, but apparently the Seton one is big enough.

IX. TCU – So Texas Christian University seems awful (because of two of those words) but then their nickname is The Horned Frogs, which is cool. So how to decide…well, the campus is in Fort Worth, one of the few places in the world I’ve been to, and there’s Billy Bob’s Bar, featured in the movie Urban Cowboy, so that’s a minus, but the food was amazing. and food always wins. Texas has some fantastic food and is otherwise a backward-ass heckhole. Wait, this may not be the last Texas school…

X. Loyola-Chicago – Yep, Sister Jean rides again. (Somewhere on campus there’s a not-so-gently-used Sybian thinking the same thing.) You think THAT’S offensive, wait til I open my next beer. I hope they beat Ohio State, because I’m still Catholic and have the emotional scars to prove it.

XI. Michigan – Controversial pick, since their record was only 17-14, and Tom Brady went here. And he sucks so much. Asshole unretired right after he retired. He just sucks so so much. As for the team, I dunno, Pick em or don’t, like a hard booger.

XII. Alabama-Birmingham – These guys are the Blazers, apparently in the dragon sense, so that’s cool. Would also be cool in the weed sense. Would not be cool in the jacket sense. They might win, but they also might lose, so consider that before you wager.

XIII. Chattanooga – Pardon me boy…is that the team that won the conference? Their nickname is the Mocs, short for Moccasins, which I think refers to the snake and not the footwear. Either way, Chattanooga is a funny word.

XIV. Longwood –

XV. Delaware – WOO JOE BIDEN AND JOE FLACCO U. They gon’ lose.

XVI. Wright State or Bryant – Winner gets Arizona, and they will be destroyed. One of these schools is in Rhode Island, but I’ll be damned if I know which one. Let’s move on…

Midwest Region

I. Kansas – Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace once you leave Kansas because holy crap that’s a nothing state. Good not great team. I don’t think they’ll win, so bet the house. LET LAWRENCE LIVE! (that’s a reference for you old people)

II. Auburn – It’s a pretty nice hair color, depending on skin tone and overall hotness. As a school, it’s in Alabama.

III. Wisconsin – Okay, look…I love cheese. I mean, to an unhealthy degree. And yet. This school produces the most unwatchable-yet-successful sports teams in the country. It’s like the state’s overall fatness makes the sports teams slow and boring. They could lose first round, they could make the finals. And no one will care outside the Fat Belt.

IV. Providence – Remember when Rick Pitino coached there? Then he nailed rando coeds and failed in the NBA and now no one cares? I may be wrong on this. Either way, the city means “God cares about being cool” and that’s neat.

V. Iowa – Are they good? We call it maize. Another Big 10 school that does not stand out from any other Big 10 school. And where are they located? Iowa City. Hey the creativity is impressive.

VI. LSU – I think they just fired their coach for getting caught trying to pay recruits or something. “Spend the next four years in a swamp” isn’t as attractive a pitch without cash money involved. Shaq went to LSU and now he sells insurance. Gumbo was the name of a Marx brother.

VII. USC – A lot of people think this school sucks, and those people are right. Who’s a bigger embarrassment, OJ Simpson or Aunt Becky? From a basketball standpoint, USC is primarily a football school. USC’s only real purpose is to siphon off money from people too stupid to attend community college.

VIII. San Diego State – Fish tacos are delicious. So is fresh ceviche. In conclusion, San Diego is a land of contrasts.

IX. Creighton – Their nickname should be the Barrels. The school is in Nebraska, which they try to hide by calling it “Creighton” as though potential students might assume it’s a corporation in a big city. Nope, just some sad campus in Nebraska. “We have corn” say the Nebraska people, and everyone just smiles at them and waits for them to get distracted by a farming implement.

X. Miami (Florida) – The documentary “Scarface” taught us a lot about Miami. To paraphrase, the city is like a vagina waiting to be penetrated. Also, students at the school can major in Cocaine Studies or Cigar Rolling. I sincerely hope the “pastel t-shirt with lightweight blazer” look comes back soon. That was dope and phat.

XI. Iowa State – Their team nickname is the Cyclones, which are things that kill Iowans. That would be like Arizona calling their team the Heatstrokes or Texas calling their team the Powergrids. It’s really insensitive if you think about which no one does okay moving on.

XII. Richmond – Proud home of the capital of the Confederate States of America, Richmond seems like the kind of place General Sherman should’ve burned to the ground. The team is called the Spiders, but not for any kickass reason. The school most likely just copied the Cleveland Spiders baseball team.

XIII. South Dakota State – These guys won 30 games this season, so I guess they’re good. For a school in the Dakota area anyway. We really don’t need two Dakotas. I think this Dakota has the monument to fraternities that hold multiple recruiting weeks. The team is known as the Jackrabbits, which as a verb is something bunnies appreciate.

XIV. Colgate – Not sure what kind of design is on the school Crest, but their Aim is to educate students Close-up enough to see the Gleem in their eye. Now spit.

XV. Jacksonville State – At first it seemed weird that this school is in Alabama, but then I remembered that Jacksonville, Florida is more known for meth than education. Man, that’s sad when Alabama is more respectable that you. Florida should sit in the corner and think about what it’s done (again, that would be meth).

XVI. Texas Southern or Texas A&M Corpus Christi – Kansas is gonna curbstomp either of these teams, which is good because the students gotta hurry back to their abortion-snitching duties. Texas and Florida are truly in a race to the bottom, which ironically is illegal in both states.

East Region

I. Baylor – These guys won the whole thing last year, not that anyone remembers. And Don Baylor won the American League MVP in 1979. (That’s a much more pleasant fact about Baylor than the school covering up many many sexual assaults a few years ago.)

II. Kentucky – Really good team from yet another crappy state. I guess the big horse race is good, and so is bourbon, but when Mitch McConnell is your least shitty senator, man, you have some soul-searching to do.

III. Purdue – More like Purdon’t.

IV. UCLA – This is the best school in the tournament. Bill Walton will explain why if you have a few hours. Did you know the Pac-12 is The Conference of Champions? UCLA is like USC with standards. And Westwood is nice unless you have to pay rent there. UCLA also has the distinction of being the second-best school in the entire University of California system. (UC Irvine is #1 but you probably knew that.) If you wanna win lots of money, bet heavily on UCLA every game.

V. Saint Mary’s – Home of the Gaels. What the hell kind of name is that? According to some shit on the internet, the Gaels are an ethno-linguistic group which spread from Ireland to Scotland and the Isle of Man. So it’s pretty obvious how a college in Northern California chose that name. As for the “Saint Mary” part of it, she was this lady who lived a long time ago and got knocked up by a ghost.

VI. Texas –  Everything’s bigger in Texas, including bonfires fueled by history books. Austin seems to have a good music scene, so I guess it’s possible to say something nice about Texas. Otherwise it’s a barren hellscape of dust and ignorance.

VII. Murray State – Even though it sounds like a school for future delicatessen owners, it turns out Murray State is not that. This team is capable of surprising some people, especially if they sneak up behind you and they’re wearing soft-soled shoes.

VIII. North Carolina – The Tar Heels (it must be said: just a stupid stupid nickname) are not expected to go far this year, mostly due to the buildup of a sticky dark substance on their feet. The largest city in the state, Charlotte, was named for a German princess. If the town had been named for her brother, the NBA team would be the Gotthelf Hornets.

IX. Marquette – This school is in Wisconsin, so you’ll generally hear it in the context of “Where is the nearest cheese Marquette?” They used to be called the Warriors, but due to complaints from the local Native American population, they changed the nickname to Drunken Indians. After changing the name again to Squaw Whores, they finally settled on Golden Eagles. They actually won a championship back in the 70s when cocaine was legal and freely shared throughout the land. Good times.

X. San Francisco – The team gets to leave their liberal hippie commune to go play road games, otherwise it’s all patchouli and taxes for this bunch. The team is called the Dons, which is a Spanish title of respect and also a really stupid nickname. Prior to being the Dons, they were the Grey Fog and HOLY CRAP they should’ve stuck with that, So much better! And for what it’s worth, Bill Russell played here. He’s one of only two Celtics who don’t deserve to be punched in the face (the other being Len Bias).

XI. Virginia Tech – Some sports talk guys say the Hokies (so so stupid) are seeded too low, but I don’t really have a McBeef with it. They can do some damage if they shoot accurately. This bunch overcame 23 victims this season, just nine short of the campus record.

XII. Wyoming or Indiana – Winner of this game gets to play St. Mary’s and loser should secede from the USA. In fact, we should trade both states for Liechtenstein and Monaco. This will be my main campaign promise when I run for Senate in 2032. Text 69420 for updates or to volunteer.

XIII. Akron – This city sounds like a cat spitting up a hairball, just one reason why Ohio is called The Hairball State. It’s interesting how many mediocre Ohio cities have a major college; Toledo, Dayton, Akron, Cincinnati, etc. Well, it’s not that interesting. Nothing about Ohio is.

XIV: Yale – They could use an international airport. Apparently the country’s best pizza is in New Haven, which is really embarrassing for New York and Chicago. Fun fact: I might have attended Yale except for the fact that I didn’t apply there and was not recruited there. SO CLOSE.

XV. Saint Peter’s – Fun religious fact: When Saint Peter was sentenced to be crucified, he said he wasn’t worthy to be executed the same way as Jesus. So the Romans honored his request and crucified him upside-down. The lesson, as always, is when you’re facing capital charges, don’t use a public defender. Saint Peter is the patron saint of blood rushing to your head.

XVI. Norfolk State – I’m tired.

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