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Yes, yes, welcome to Wumbo Wednesday (image courtesy of Know Your Meme), and keep your applause until—well that ended quickly! Jerks.
Anyway, I’m taking this vessel over as my own damn soapbox. What can I ramble about? I don’t know, then it wouldn’t be a ramble. Sometimes I may use this as a BattleBots Beat (like next week, as we get closer to BattleBots Champions: Take Bounty Hunters and Robot Wars All-Stars, and I guess you have this?)
Why wumbo? Because it’s first grade, SpongeBob, and because I’m still trying to convince Hermana Weaselo that Wumbotron would be a good band name. She thinks it’s dumb. And Weaselo’s Wumbo Wednesday is alliterative.
Anyway, introductions out of the way, onto the fun stuff. This was going to be a trade deadline preview thread, but then everyone decided to drop their alternate helmets thanks to the end of the unnecessary one-shell rule. So in the style of my previous complaints about uniforms, let’s draw from that well again!
Atlanta Falcons
The return of the red helmets from their first season (1966), to go with the black unis in homage to that season. (The whole ensemble will look like this.)
Verdict: Today let’s use the Teen Girl Squad method: So good or no good? Sooo good!
Arizona Cardinals
Embrace The Darkness 🌒 pic.twitter.com/npLsNHksxn
— Arizona Cardinals (@AZCardinals) July 24, 2022
They’re black helmets to go with the black unis. Because, you know, when I think of Cardinals, I think of black! Oh, it’ll get worse, don’t worry. At least the cardinal pops okay.
Verdict: Nooo good on the Black Mass, but sooo good on the black helmets going with it.
Carolina Panthers
On the other hand, here’s a team who’s had black forever, and this actually looks pretty nice, I gotta say. The teal silouette pops. Not sure if I like the 3-D Carolina on the bumper, because I am a massive nerd. Thankfully this came out before the Marvel trailers, so there were hopefully fewer “Wakanda forever!” cracks. Because the Forrest Gump jokes will be saved for the first time Carolina loses in these.
Verdict: Sooo good!
Chicago Bears
Fresher than the rest 😮💨 pic.twitter.com/cTGeQK8wOM
— Chicago Bears (@ChicagoBears) July 24, 2022
Orange helmets to go with the orange unis. I, uh, think they’re a bit garish. Like, maybe they could use a stripe? I know the normal Bears helmet doesn’t, but the Browns (#ThePauls) mocked them for the close resemblances of helmets. That won’t win you many points. Unless, of course, you’re Detroit.
…If you’re Detroit!
Verdict: Nooo good!
Cincinnati Bengals
A deal's a deal. 🤝
Presented by Swift Meats pic.twitter.com/miE5FLlzdS
— Cincinnati Bengals (@Bengals) July 22, 2022
Well this one was inevitable, as the Bengals are probably planning to use this whenever they wear their whites. After a quick Wiki-ing, it seems that white tigers appear approximately once in every 10,000 Bengal tiger births, as both parents would need to carry that recessive gene.
Verdict: Sooo good!
Dallas Non-Gendered Cowpersons
Honoring tradition. 🏈⭐️
The #DallasCowboys unveil alternate helmet for 2022 season.
— Dallas Cowboys (@dallascowboys) July 21, 2022
Dallas is going back to the OG white helmets that they wore until 1963, and it looks like they used to wear for Thanksgiving prior to the one-shell rule. And since the rule’s been lifted, they can do it again. The retros return as well.
Verdict: Sooo good!
Houston…?
Drop. Red. Gorgeous. 😍
See it in person » https://t.co/BhmIAlgqev pic.twitter.com/KypSTIb5kA
— Houston Texans (@HoustonTexans) July 12, 2022
It’s a red version of their normally blue helmet. Once again, we get into the age-old question we have for the Texas Rangers: Are they a red team or a blue team? I imagine they’ll wear red with the red unis, blue with the blue unis, and anyone’s guess with the white unis, but probably blue as it’s the primary. Honestly, I think since the way the cattle is tilted blue is the predominant color, this does pop better.
Verdict: Okay! I mean, so good!
New England Patriots
*Matty McFly. pic.twitter.com/lqqMG13VXl
— New England Patriots (@Patriots) June 22, 2022
Pat Patriot is back. Hopefully with it is the P*ts (lack of) cromulence over those years.
Verdict: Sooo good!
New Orleans Saints
Your New Orleans Seahawks! Well, no, before DJ Taj tries to assault me. Fleurs de lis (fleur de lises?) adorn where the stripe normally would be. The rest is a cut and dry palette swap.
Verdict: Nooo good! (Saints fans: Well, I think it’s hella tight.)
New York (Football) Giants
Built on Legacy. The 80s-90s uniforms are returning twice this season
📰: https://t.co/ZWonTr6V1A pic.twitter.com/LNzy91pTFt
— New York Giants (@Giants) July 20, 2022
Returning the old “Giants” logo with the retro blues. I’m not sure if this counts, tbh, or if it’s just a change in the decals. It may be a slightly darker helmet?
Verdict: Sooo good!
Philadelphia Eagles
Paint it black#FlyEaglesFly pic.twitter.com/9FPwyQ9fSR
— Philadelphia Eagles (@Eagles) July 22, 2022
The kelly greens were RIGHT FUCKING THERE, but no, they’re apparently waiting one year for the throwbacks. I’m guessing when the whole logo can get a facelift? I mean, there’s a new wordmark and it looks decidedly meh at best. Why did they have to wait a year for the throwbacks? Fuck if I know, probably because of the black unis. Well, you fucked up there Iggles.
Verdict: Nooo good!
Washington Commanders
The Commanders’ alternate helmet will be gloss-black with a matching black facemask. The team’s ‘W’ logo is on the front of the helmet; numbers will be on both sides. The rear of the helmet has the DC flag. pic.twitter.com/fN3vV2gbhk
— Helmet Stalker (@HelmetStalker) February 6, 2022
As you’d expect, the burgundies are the primaries. As for this: meh. I mean, it’s still the Commanders and it’s hard to really get any sort of traction about them at all.
Verdict: Oookay!
And now, let’s save the best for last. Oh, did I say best? I meant definitely not that.
New York Jets
It’s just… the logo makes it worse, and with the green on black. Just… dear god no. “Best alternate helmet in the league,” Michael Carter? More like worst place, ding. God, when will they be allowed by the NFL to fix the logo?
Verdict: ARROWED!
Anyway, what’s on tonight? (All times Eastern)
MLB:
Subway Series (Flushing-bound 7 Train): NYY@NYM (Germán vs. Scherzer) 7:00, ESPN
The Basketball Tournament
Round of 16 action (Teams TBD) 7:00, ESPN2
Quarterfinal action (Teams TBD) 9:00, ESPN2
I’d also recommend catching up on this season of Marbula One, as it’ll come down to the wire at the final track, Mirage Meowtain. Can the Crazy Cat’s Eyes upend the host’s curse to overtake the O’rangers and repeat as Marbula One champions? If they can, Red Eye would probably repeat, down 7 points to Orangin, which has already completed its share of the races. Starry of Team Galactic and Clutter of Balls of Chaos also have reasonable chances at the racers’ championship, while Aryp of Team Primary and Mimo of Team Momo would need a miracle.
Have at it below!
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