Sexy Friday – 20220120

TGIF! Please read the descent into madness that preceded Alex showing up here. Make sure to have the DONKS WOO! season results up to reference before each week’s entry as well. But first, make yourself a nice cocktail to enjoy it with. When finished, return and I’ll make sure you make it through the winter alive.

Survival – Personal Edition

Winter has the unfortunate side-effect of bringing snow. Some more than others. Unfortunately, some folks don’t appreciate the danger of being stranded while driving in the snow. You’ll no longer be one of those folks by following these handy guidelines.

• Get your vehicle off the road. As much as you need help, you don’t need to be rammed by another car or run over either. Of course, make sure the vehicle is still visible from the road.
• Make the vehicle more visible. Open the hood and turn on the vehicle’s flashers. If it’s snowing though, keep the hood closed. Also set road flares on the side of the road by your vehicle.
• If there’s a large enough bare area nearby, spell out HELP in six foot letters using rocks, sticks, or other dark material that contrasts with the snow. You want this to be visible from the air in the off chance anyone noticed you missing and in the far more remote chance anyone cared enough to send a helicopter or small plane to find you.
• This is the most important part. STAY NEAR YOUR VEHICLE. It’s very easy to get lost in drifting and blowing snow. Also, your vehicle is shelter that will keep you alive far longer than outside.
• It’s cold. Put on all clothing you have available. Hats and gloves are mandatory. If you have a blanket, put that on too.
• Even then, that might not be enough. Once an hour, run the vehicle for about 10 minutes, just enough to get the interior heater going a bit. Then shut it off and bask in the warmth for a while.
• Keep moving. When in the car make sure to move your arms, legs, and torso to keep blood flowing.
• If you’re traveling with others, great news! Snuggle time! Use your collective body heat to keep everyone warm. Also, get on an alternating sleep schedule. Someone needs to always be awake in case help is nearby.
• Fortunately, as a human you can survive longer without food than you will in the snow. Unfortunately, you will need hydration sooner. If you don’t have water provisions, then eat snow. Obviously find the cleanest snow you can, but again, don’t stray too far to find it.
• If you think help is looking for you but having trouble finding you, there’s another thing you can do. Tire fire! Hopefully you have a spare tire. If not you’ll have to sacrifice a regular tire and you should only do this as a last resort. Whichever option you have, place the wheel and tire in a cleared area safely down wind from your vehicle. Fill the middle of the wheel with any dry sticks and paper products you can find. Ignite with your car’s cigarette lighter or other lighter you have available. Keep feeding the fire until it gets warm enough to ignite the tire. The tire fire will emit a thick black smoke that will be quite visible. Make sure not to inhale that smoke, it’s quite toxic.

There you go! Of course, you’ll notice many of these guidelines require you to already have some things on hand. Indeed, if you’re going to be driving in the snow there are a number of things you should always have in your vehicle:

• Snow Chains
• Blankets
• Bottled War
• Food
• Signal flares
• First Aid Kit
• Spare Tire
• Lighter
• Extra Winter clothing: Coats, mittens, gloves, toques, hats, ear muffs, scarfs, wool socks, winter boots, hand warmers, thermal underwear
• Jumper cables and battery booster, charged
• Snow brush and ice scraper
• Shovel

Ok, your trunk should be full and you should be safe even if you get stranded for a while with all of that. Let’s move on!

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!