Your “[DFO] Super Bowl Hate Week” Thursday Evening Open Thread

Like most of you, I got caught in the travel nightmare that was “CHRISTMAS SNOWSTORM 2022!”. Vancouver got a foot of snow over three days, which absolutely buggered our airport, which is barely used to thick frost. My three-hour flight turned into a 24-hour ordeal when my original WestJet ticket to Palm Springs was simply cancelled while I slept – but they did look forward to serving me on my return flight!. After rebooking on Air Canada, I was routed through Denver, but with a four-hour delay. On the surface that sucked, but at least I was getting out. And, luckily (?), the two-hour delay in taking off allowed me to load up on free drinks,

meaning that I hopefully had less time to kill at DIA, and my hunt for the illuminati lounge would have to wait for another day.

It turns out that DIA was at 150% capacity, due to all the other storms rerouting United flights to this one available hub. It was so bad the lounge was turning away people who weren’t in the 50K Club – meaning that business class travellers & pass purchasers had to sit outside. There was no point complaining, because the customer service line was at least 100 very loud people long. So, I did what any rational person in my position would have done,

After numerous pints, delays, and six gate changes, we finally departed. I landed in Palm Springs at 3:00 AM and re-discovered the joys of a minor municipal airport – it was closed; there were no rental car options until 7:30 AM, and the surcharge for an Uber or taxi pickup would have made the $50 trip to my mon’s almost $175. US Dollars! So, I waited until Thrifty opened, got my 2020 Mitsubshi Mirage,

and then got to Mom’s where I promptly had a three-hour nap.

The rest of the trip went fine – the weather was at least nice,

and luckily I flew out the same day Southwest melted down, because Phoenix was so full they re-routed planes to PSP. I did get refunded for both legs of my WestJet flight, but that was a struggle & involved having to point out that they couldn’t have flown me home because they didn’t fucking fly me there.

Today’s topic: Team Doctors

This year, like most others, we have seen the highs & lows of NFL medicine. The high was obviously the Bills’ training staff saving the life of Damar Hamlin on the field that fateful night in Cincinnati. The lows – yeesh.

Let’s start with the obvious one – the NFL Concussion protocols and the Dolphins attempts to injure Tua out of his contract.

Somehow, this

wasn’t a concussion, but three days later this

was. As we know, the combination of the two incidents led to the NFLPA taking the option to have the doctor unaffiliated neurotrauma consultant

fired. And while the NFL might have disagreed with the union’s hasty decision, they both agreed that “modifications to the concussion protocol are needed to enhance player safety.”

Those changes didn’t come soon enough for Gus Edwards or Colt McCoy, both of whom got rocked pretty good in the last weeks of the season & ended up missing significant playing time. In total, there were 149 concussions suffered across 271 games this season, an increase of 18% over 2021. The league has put the increase down to their being “cautious and conservative in our evaluation and diagnosis of concussions”.

Then there’s guys like Nick Foles, who got obliterated in Week 17 and had to miss the Colts season finale due to his ribs being turned into paste. Don’t forget Ryan Tannehill, who landed on IR after his third ankle injury & likely cost the Titans their chance at the playoffs.

Of course, no trip through NFL medicine would be complete without a visit to the rickety tin shack that is the Chargers medical facility.

This unit has been a favourite topic for [DFO] over the years, inspiring an award-adjacent series replete with its own tag. But it’s gotten no better for the Chargers this year, and they are being sued by two different players for forms of malpractice. Tyrod Taylor is suing the team for medical malpractice over a team doctor who punctured his lung while giving a painkilling injection prior to a Week 2 game during the 2020 season, and is seeking at least $5 million. Broncos player Aaron Patrick is suing for negligence after suffering a knee injury, when a carpet on the sideline of SoFi Stadium caused him to tear his ACL during a game on October 17th. He is suing for unspecified damages, including lost bonuses and future earning potential. Patrick’s lawyer had a great line when he said, “the stadium should have the state-of-the-art equipment to protect for player safety, and not use the type of $100 mats that you would expect to see in a restaurant kitchen.”

I mean, we expect this kind of shit every year from that garbage franchise, but it says something about the league when it can’t ev-

The NFL interrupts this article to bring you exciting news from the Dairy Farmers of America.

What do Lamar Jackson, 

Matthew Stafford,

and Kyler Murray

all have in common? They didn’t start their day with a healthy glass of refreshing milk!

A dangerous trend has wormed its way into sports, as it has the pandemic – the rise of non-dairy beverages.

Back in the 1950s,

when football players were apparently men, a healthy diet started the day with a balanced breakfast and a good glass of traditional cow’s milk.

But ever since the 1960s,

apparently “alternatives” were the way to go. But real winners knew what was what and they weren’t afraid to show it off, especially before “The Big Game”©®™

Why, even into the early 2000s, you could still count on athletes & their wives to know what was right,

And sure, we may have gone one season too far with the campaign,

but how were we to know what was going to happen next? That’s not our fault!

But ever since COVID, there has been a European trend towards turning away from traditional sources of sustenance because of what some “alternative thinkers” have speculated about healthy immune systems. I believe you folks read about that yesterday. And what has been the result?

Injuries!

Well, good old American science has done a little research of its own, and they have INDEPENDENTLY CONCLUDED that, according to the Office of Dietary Supplements, “vitamin D is critical to maintaining immune health”. It has long been known that a healthy meal starts with a cold glass of milk, and even NFL nutritionists recommend starting your day with a portion of milk to go alongside your fiber and grain intake. It’s just looking after yourself, and making sure your bones and bodies are in tip-top shape.

So remember, be like Tony here,

Goddammit. Fucking moron…

Okay, be like the Mannings,

and start your day with a visit from an old friend.

Your bones will thank you. Lewis?

Umm…what in the living fuck was that?!

  You didn’t see anything, Beerguy.

I sure as fuck did. Who the hell are you to interrupt my post.

  I’m no one. Just a man who represents certain interests, and…

Look, asshole. You can pull that gaslighting bullshit on other people, but here at [DFO] we pride oursel-

It appears you have what Peter King used to call, “self-esteem”.

You’re fucking right I do.

  So, there’s no changing your mind on this issue?

Man, there is not enough money or beer to get me to do that. In fact, while you’re here there’s a few things I’d like to say…

  Well, I don’t have to take this shit from peons like you.

I guess we’re done here. William?

  Thank you son.

I believe you’ll enjoy Sunday’s ‘script’ for the game.

  I have no idea what you mean. Thank you.

Tonight’s sports:

• NFL:
  • NFL Honors – 9:00pm | NFLN / TSN5
• NHL: (Canucks & Oilers are regional games only)
  • Avalanche at Lightning – 7:00pm | ESPN / Sportsnet360
  • Flames at Red Wings – 7:00pm | Sportsnet1
• NBA:
  • Bulls at Nets – 7:30pm | TNT / TSN
  • Bucks at Lakers – 10:00pm | TNT / TSN

Well, that’s it for Hate Week 2023. Thank you all for welcoming me back for this journey. Try not to get too drunk/gassy during the game on Sunday. I hope to check in with everyone during the broadcast, and share what I assume will be love at the spectacle brought forth for our viewing pleasure.