No mock draft this week, because it’s time for the annual DFO Mock Draft, where I take the opportunity to take wild guesses at what teams might do in the mock draft, all while having done very little in the way of research and having no sources whatsoever.  It usually works so well that in past years I’ve done as well as 2 out of 32!  This year I spent even less time than usual on research, (as much as 5-7 minutes a team!), so expect this to be the year I get them all right.

Just kidding.  That’s never going to happen.

Anyway, enjoy the mock draft and feel free to mock them, in a different way, in the comments.  Feel free to make your own picks too, I guess.  What am I, your supervisor?

Ok, yes, I knew that.

Team needs taken from Josh Edwards, although I only took the top three he listed for each team, because I have things to do.  Josh neither uses nor endorses these picks.

1. Carolina Panthers (from Chicago)

Record: 7-10

Top Needs: Doesn’t matter, they’re taking a QB

The pick:  Either CJ Stroud (QB The Ohio State) or Bryce Young.  The Panthers didn’t trade up with the Bears to not take a QB, it’s just a matter of which of these two they take. Literally flip a coin.  I did and it came up tails, (which never fails), and that meant I sent Stroud to the Panthers.

2. Houston Texans

Record: 3-13-1

Top Needs: Doesn’t matter, they’re taking a QB

The pick:  Bryce Young (QB Alabama).  The coin came up tails, and Young was heads.  It’s possible the coin just doesn’t like those Dr. Pepper “Fan City” ads, although I find Brian Bosworth’s sheriff quite charming.

3. Arizona Cardinals

Record: 4-13

Top Needs: Doesn’t matter they…oh shit, never mind.  DL, Edge, RB

The pick:  Bidwill’s sexuality aside, the Cardinals find themselves in an enviable position this year.  They don’t need a QB, (will, they might, but they’re stuck with the video-game aficionado they’re currently paying obscene amounts of money to be pretty good), and there are a significant number of teams that would like to get ahead of the Colts and grab one of the two remaining QB prospects.  I think there is a high probability that this pick gets moved to the likes of Washington or Atlanta.  If it doesn’t you’re looking at a choice between Jalen Carter and Alabama Edge Will Anderson as best fitting the Cardinals needs, and since Carter had an oopsie-doodle involving car racing, reckless driving and, oh yeah, two people winding up dead, it seems likely his draft stock will take a bit of a hit.  I mean, this is the NFL so, you know, third-round, but still, a hit.  Anderson is an excellent prospect and, so far anyway, doesn’t seem to be facing any charges related to vehicular manslaughter so he seems the safer pick.  Assuming that they don’t trade the pick, which is a perfectly fine thing to do among consenting adults and really no one else’s business when you think about it even if you are a confirmed bachelor “running” an NFL franchise.

4. Indianapolis Colts

Record: 4-12-1

Top Needs: QB, CB, WR

The Pick:  So I don’t know much about Florida QB Anthony Richardson, but apparently he’s like a bigger Jalen Hurts.  While his college stats could be charitably described as “wanting”, (check the link), he blew the doors off of everyone at the combine, he’s 6’4″ and 244 lbs., (hello, Cam Newton), and the Colts just hired Hurts’s former OC.  You don’t need a trail of bread crumbs to see where this is going.  Sorry, still on that Hansel & Gretel rant I was on a couple of nights ago.  Fucking kids.

5. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver, for Russell Wilson, which is hilarious)

Record: 9-8

Top Needs: S, LB, DL

The pick:  A lot of the early mocks had the Seahawks trying to move up to get one of the top two QB prospects, or taking Will Levis here.  Then they signed Geno Smith to a long-term contract.  Good for Geno.  Whether that’s good for Seattle is something else again, but we’ll see how that plays out over time.  The consensus among the more recent picks is Texas Tech Edge Tyree Wilson, who I guess kind of meets the LB/DL needs listed above.  For this version I’m going to slot Wilson in here, but I am keeping an eye on Alabama S Brian Branch, who’s considered a first round talent, but maybe not a #5 pick talent.  In which case look for Seattle to pit the Raiders and Washington against each other, move this pick for either the 7 or 16, then look to get Branch later.

6. Detroit Lions (from Los Angeles Rams, for Matt Stafford, 3 boxes of doughnuts, and a Super Bowl)

Record: 9-8

Top Needs: TE, CB, DL

The pick:  I’ve seen some people mocking Will Levis to the Lions here, but I strongly suspect that, (even though I’m too much of a coward to mock trades), someone will have jumped ahead of the Lions and already taken him by now.  More importantly Levis seems to be falling a bit lately, (my source for this is one episode of NFL Live I was watching while using the elliptical at the gym), and I get the sense that the Lions knee-biting coach is more inclined to go after an elite defender at 6 than take a chance on an iffy QB prospect.  I am therefore going with Oregon CB Christian Gonzalez here.  He fills the top need best served at this position, as I don’t see any TEs being mentioned anywhere near 6.  I also didn’t look that hard, so there’s that.

7.  Las Vegas Raiders of Los Angeles vis Oakland

Record:  6-11

Top Needs:  OT, OG, C

The pick:  I see Anthony Richardson and Will Levis being mocked to the Raiders here.  It makes some sense, I guess, but Richardson isn’t going to be here and the Raiders just signed Handsome Jimmy G to 3 years guaranteed, although with only $45 million of that guaranteed it’s not the kind of contract they can’t unload if necessary.  So I guess they could take Levis, I just think they’d be better served addressing the offensive line and giving Jimmy, who isn’t known for his durability, a fighting chance.  With that in mind I’m taking Northwestern OG Peter Skronski here.

8. Atlanta Falcons

Record: 7-10

Top Needs: QB, CB, LB

The pick:  Fun fact, the Falcons drafted in this same spot last year, with the same record resulting this year.  Way to tread water, Atlanta.  I can’t seem to get a handle on the Falcons pick, with most of the mocks having them taking either Skronski or Gonzalez, who I’ve packed off with the last two picks.  So screw it, the Falcons take Kentucky QB Will Levis here.  Looking at a very high probability of changing this pick in Version 2.0, but the UConn-Gonzaga game is about to start.

9. Chicago Bears (from Carolina in exchange for the first pick)

Record: 3-14

Top Needs: OT, C, CB

The pick:  Let’s take a moment to appreciate what the Bears have done this off-season.  After all, that’s not a sentence we get to write all that often.  They seem set at QB with Justin Fields and made a nice trade with Carolina as a result.  They bolstered their linebacker corps with free agent signings.  Now they’re sitting here at 9 with Ohio State OT Paris Johnson sitting right there in the green room.  Well done Bears, well done indeed.

(Virginia McCaskey overrules the draft room and insists they draft “my boyfriend, Red Grange”)

10. Philadelphia Eagles (from New Orleans, in exchange for something, probably beignet-related)

Record:  14-3

Top Needs:  S, WR, OG

The pick:  The Eagles made the Super Bowl and were a debatable defensive holding call away from winning.  And here they sat at 10, with another first-round pick still to come.  A lot of people used to hate Howie Roseman, (I certainly did, but that’s because I’m a Dallas fan), but the results speak for themselves.  The drafts I’ve seen generally have the Eagles taking defensive linemen here but I’m going to get a little nuts and give the Eagles Texas RB Bijan Robinson here.  They need to do something to replace Miles Sanders, and I somehow doubt Boston Scott is the answer there.  The Eagles get one of the best RB prospects in recent years to put in the backfield with Jalen Hurts and still have a first round pick to focus on defense.  What’s not to love? /is pelted with D-cells.

11. Don T’s Tits

Record: 7-10

Top Needs: OT, OG, WR

The pick:  If the Titans top needs are on the offensive line, and if the top two offensive linemen are already off the board, (and they will be), then by the transitive property that I didn’t learn in school, logic tells us that the Titans will take the third-rated, (but not third rate!), offensive lineman, Alabama OT Tyler Steen.  Or, as Socrates would say, someone else.

12. Houston Texans (from Cleveland for Deshaun Watson and an absolute moral failing)

Record: 3-13-1

Top Needs: QB, WR, C, LB

The pick:  The Texans, having addressed their most pressing need with their first pick, now turn to their second-most pressing need in terms of players.  There real second-most-pressing need is “firing the entire front office and probably getting new ownership to boot”, (that’s probably the first need, if we’re being honest), but that’s not what the draft is for.  So it’s either wide receiver or center, and since the top-rated center has a “terrible body and needs to get in better shape“, let’s go ahead and focus on WR.  The Texans take a page from the Cincinnati Bengals, (Mike Brown charges them .55 for that page), and pair CJ Stroud with his favorite receiver, Ohio State WR Jaxon Smith-Nijigba.  Middle-aged white announcers everywhere get ready to refer to him by his first name and first name only.

13. New York Jets

Record:  7-10

Top Needs:  OG, OT, TE, a good ayahuasca connection

The pick:  Whatever Green Bay tells them to pick and then give them for Aaron Rodgers.  Seriously, let’s not kid ourselves, this pick is going to Green Bay.  Just for giggles let’s play this out as a Green Bay pick and give them TCU WR Quentin Johnston.  This pick would be even more hilarious, as it not only screws the Patriots, who need a WR and are sitting at the next pick, it also drafts a WR in the mid-first round, something Aaron Rodgers would have murdered his family for, (I mean, to be fair he’d have done that for a Klondike Bar), and never got.

14. New England Patriots

Record: 8-9

Top needs: OT, WR, TE

The pick:  There’s rage in Foxboro as the Packers snatch Johnston from under Darth Hoodie’s now right as your mom calls him to tell him that the burning sensation was gonorrhea after all.  The Patriots sooth that rage with a collection of MILF Bang Bus videos and by taking Georgia OT Broderick Jones.

15. Green Bay Packers

Record: 8-9

Top needs: WR, TE, S

The pick:  Even though I strongly suspect that, having obtained the Jets pick as part of whatever Aaron Rodgers trade eventually works out, the Packers will already have their receiver and be more inclined to focus on defense, I think it would be absolutely hysterical if they instead went with the top-rated tight end, Notre Dame TE Michael Mayer, further spiting Quaron. Do it Green Bay; the world needs more laughter.

16. Washington Spiders (I’m still not calling them the Commanders)

Record:  8-8-1

Top Needs:  QB, C, CB

The pick:  Realistically Washington has probably traded up to get Will Levis or Anthony Richardson, although the complete chaos in the ownership suite may preclude such action.  Just a shame when bad things happen to such terrible, terrible, terrible people.  Let’s assume, for the sake of the argument, and more importantly to get this stupid thing done, that the Commanders have not traded up, that the top four QBs are done, that someone is answering the phone in the front office, and that the Commanders do not want to spend the 16th pick on a center with a terrible body who is not in NFL shape.  That brings us to cornerback and Penn State CB Joey Porter, Jr.  There’s the first name I’ve recognized in a while, and he’s got that NFL pedigree that teams love.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers

Record: 9-8

Top needs: OT, CB, WR

The pick:  The Steelers aren’t in a great position here.  The top prospects at their top 3 need positions are likely gone, and they probably don’t have what it takes to move up given the number of teams who will be looking to move up for a QB and what those teams will be willing to give up.  I looked at three whole Steelers mock drafts, (that’s the kind of research $12 in stock options will get you), and two of them had Alabama S Brian Branch, (last seen in my speculation about a Seattle trade down from #5), going here, and that’s good enough for me.

18. Detroit Lions

Record: 9-8

Top needs: TE, CB, DL

The pick:  They got a cornerback with the 6th pick and it’s probably too early to take a TE, assuming GreenBay did the right, (and more importantly hilarious), thing and too Mayer at 15.  If they didn’t then Mayer will go here, but if Mayer’s gone, (please, please, please take Mayer, Green Bay; Rodgers will go on a darkness retreat for 2 years), then Detroit goes defensive line and takes Clemson DE/DT Myles Murphy.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Record:  8-9

Top Needs:  S, LB, OT

The pick:  You’ve set up a QB competition between Kyle Trask and Baker Mayfield, and while I like Mayfield more than most people, (the man played hurt and made an incredibly incompetent Browns franchise a credible play-off team), that’s not something that screams stability.  Mayfield, when healthy, is certainly better than Trask, and to keep Mayfield healthy you need offensive line more than you need a safety.  Going with Oklahoma OT Anton Harrison here.

20. Seattle Seahawks

Record: 9-8

Top needs: S, LB, DL

The pick:  As recently as today Peter King was writing about the Seahawks considering taking Georgia DL Jalen Carter with the fifth pick despite his having shown up to the combine overweight, not being able to complete all the skills and, you know, being investigated for maybe killing two people in a car accident.  Say what you will about King, all that toadying does lead to sources, and someone is going to take Carter in the first round unless he’s actually been indicted.  While I was trying to save him for the Chiefs joke and a shot at Andy Reid the reality is there’s really no one here that fits the Seahawks’ needs, and if they were interested in Carter at 5 they sure as hell won’t let him go at 20.

The NFL.  It’s fantastic(ally morally bankrupt)!

21. San Diego Chargers

Record: 10-7

Top needs:  LB, OT, DL

The pick:  I keep seeing Iowa DE Lukas Van Ness’s name, but for whatever reason I always seem to find a slightly better option, (keeping in mind that I am delusional), for whatever team I’m seeing his name associated with.  If the Chargers are looking for help at LB and DL they could do a lot worse than a defensive end whose only fallen this far because I don’t really know what I’m doing.

22. Baltimore Ravens

Record: 10-7

Top needs: WR, OG, CB

The Pick:  Well, now they need a quarterback.  Let’s assume that Baltimore works things out with Jackson and is able to move on.  This is by no means certain as Jackson seems intent on getting Deshaun Watson guaranteed money without acknowledging that the Browns are run by morons and that the rest of the NFL, I’m sure coincidentally and not at all as a matter of agreement hammered out behind closed doors, (dismissive wanking motion to the point of carpal tunnel), is never going to give out another contract like that, but let’s go ahead and assume it.  The Ravens will need to be doing some couples therapy work with Jackson, and what better says “I love you” than a huge new contract accompanied by a shiny new receiver?  Chestnut Hill College WR Zay Flowers fits the bill nicely.

23. Minnesota Vikings

Record: 13-4 (Total frauds)

Top needs: CB, WR, OG

The pick:  They really need a quarterback, and there are all sorts of rumblings about them trying to trade up and get Will Levis but, like the Steelers, I’m not sure that the Vikings have what they’d need to get up far enough to get one before teams even more in need of QBs have their picks.  One of the top remaining prospects, and who would fit the Vikings top need, (that isn’t a new QB), is Illinois CB Devon Witherspoon.  This pick makes so much sense it almost certainly won’t happen.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars

Record: 9-8

Top needs: CB, S, DL

The pick:  You couldn’t be blamed for thinking that the Jaguars were picking at 24 because they had traded down from 4 for multiple picks, but this year you’d be wrong.  The Jags made the play-offs and seem to be on the right track.  Playing in the god-awful AFC South didn’t hurt any.  It’s a late run on cornerbacks, as the Jaguars look to shore up a terrible secondary with Maryland CB Deonte Banks. 

25. New York Giants

Record: 9-7-1

Top needs: CB, WR, C

The pick:  We’re running low on cornerbacks and the Giants just gave Danny Dimes a hilariously unwarranted contract extension that they will almost certainly not come to regret sooner rather than later.  I’m just kidding; they’ll be regretting that contract by Week 8 of 2023.  Nonetheless, much like the Ravens trying to lure Jackson back into the fold the Giants, having invested so much in Jones, are going to need to give him someone to throw to, because lord knows they don’t have that now.  USC WR Jordan Addison fits the bill nicely, unlike the bills the Giants will be paying to watch Jones throw and fumble the ball to the other team.  But he does run well!

26. Dallas Cowboys

Record: 12-5

Top needs: OG, S, DL

The pick:  The Cowboys traded for Brandin Cooks this off-season, thereby solving the WR problem that they had in 2019 but do not really have today.  They do have to replace Dalton Schultz at tight end, the target of a significant  passes from Dak Prescott in recent years, some of which were even on target.  (I’m a little down on Dak after that last play-off game, something better addressed in the season preview.)  I’m torn here between an offensive lineman that they clearly need, a safety that they’ll probably reach for, or Utah TE Dalton Kincaid.  The skinny of Kincaid is that he’s undersized for a blocker but a dangerous receiver, which would make him an ideal replacement for Schultz.  He’s also considered a second round pick, which would allow Jerry Jones to do one of his favorite things, and reach for a player a round or two early.

27. Buffalo Bills

Record: 13-3 (one less game because their guy almost died)

Top needs: OG, C, DL

The pick:  Assuming that the Cowboys took Kincaid and not a guard then the Bills take Tennessee OT Darnell Wright.  If the Cowboys took Wright then the Bills will just have to take someone else.

28. Cincinnati Bengals

Record:  13-3 (one less game because that guy on the Bills almost died)

Top Needs:  OG, S, CB

The pick:  This guy could also go to the Bills, but I figure I’d give Redshirt a little treat and save him the best remaining prospect for the Bengals’ top need, Florida OG O’Cyrus Torrence.  I seriously doubt he’s as Irish as that first name would lead you to believe.

29. New Orleans Saints (from San Francisco via Miami via Denver, which sounds like a Ryanair flight)

Record: 7-10

Top needs: OG, WR, LB

The pick:  It’s not one of the listed needs, but with Alvin Kamara seemingly just as likely to go to jail as he does to show up on an NFL field again, I like the idea here of taking Alabama RB Jahmyr Gibbs in the hopes of having a running back capable of taking the field, or even just being out in polite society.

30. Philadelphia Eagles

Record:  14-3

Top Needs:   S, WR, OG

The pick:The Eagles need to do something to replace departing free agents along the defensive line.  Top-rated guy I see who fits that description is Michigan DT Maxi Smith, so that’s clearly who the Eagles should take.  There’s a real chance that the Eagles take defensive line help earlier, where I have them taking the running back, then look to get the kid from Alabama here, but I need to save something for V2.0 now don’t I?

31. Kansas City Chiefs

Record: 14-3.  Won the Super Bowl.

Top needs: Edge, DL, OT

The pick:  I don’t know.  Frankly I’m beginning to hate the Chiefs and I’ve spent way too much time on this, it’s late and I want to watch TV.  Mel Kiper says it’s going to be Kansas State Edge Felix Anudike-Uzomah.  At this point in the evening if it’s good enough for Mel it’s good enough for me.

32.  Miami Dolphins. 

The pick:  Just kidding, they don’t have one because of all that tampering.