Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend [in bed].
Groucho Marx
Sigh, I’m no even sure what to say about this one. I’ll let, you, the reader come up with your own interpretation.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
BeefReeferLives
Al Jaffe of Mad magazine died today, he was 102. His casket will fold in the middle to show his last will and testament.
ArmedandHammered
My favorite reply to the Twitter announcement was something to the effect that his obituary should be written in a way allowing it to be folded into threes to make another, somewhat offensive but very funny obituary.
Horatio Cornblower
The [WNBA Franchise #7] has selected Laeticia Amihere, the culmination of a decades long prank on a substitute teacher somewhere.
herodotus450
“Ok, so that’s how it’s gonna be.”
scotchnaut
Homonyms are great…
LongtimeLionsLoser
Sure, Burrow can’t do it in the big game, but that’s no reason to insult him this badly.
TheRevanchist
Is 41 too late to train as an architect and win a Pritzker prize? Asking for a friend
Doktor Zymm
Sharkbait
Found a funny;
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
rockingdog
“The Night I Won the Super Bowl” OR “The Most Boastful Story Ever Told at DFO” (Part 8):
At the time we left off in Part 7, I was thinking about leaving the country. This prospect was only briefly interrupted by the events of September 11, and by the beginning of 2002 a plan had solidified – I’d be heading to Johannesburg, South Africa for a graduate school program along with working part-time as a consultant for the medical device company I was currently employed by. These plans, alongside having spent the past year building up my sexual self-confidence to rexgrossmanian proportions, led me to attempt the unthinkable: ask out the drink cart girl at the golf course.
I’m not a good golfer. But for some reason, some of the best shots I’ve hit in my life have occurred while the drink cart girl was looking on. Sometime before the events of this story I played a best-ball tournament with a few coworkers and was batting cleanup on a par 3 with an elevated green. All three of my teammates missed the green, badly. Facing the highest pressure golf shot of my life, with a stunner looking on from behind the wheel of her cart, I took a nice calm swing and put my ball on the center of the green. “Was that a good enough shot to get your phone number?” I should have said to her.
But this story of “I never thought it would happen to me…” doesn’t start at the tee box of a par 3 hole. It starts inside, at the snack bar.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Ya know, I don’t even care if we ever get to the Fireworks Factory with this storyline.
And rexgrossmanian is “chef’s kiss” perfecto.
LemonJello
Any house with such a high bathroom/bedroom ratio is mighty suspicious
Doktor Zymm
“Broncos country, let’s wipe!” doesn’t have the same ring.
WCS
It is weed o’clock, my darling dears!
Gumbygirl
Gumbygirl
“Don’t like it? Make your fucking catch.”
I’m going to use this at work.
ballsofsteelandfury
Quality line right there
Sharkbait
At a previous job the staff got into a huge fight about planning a birthday party, to the point that it was interfering with work. I was asked my opinion about resolving it, (big mistake. Huge), and suggested telling everyone involved that they were fired, pausing while they broke down, then asking them if they now understood the difference between real problems and birthday cake problems and to get back to fucking work.
For the remainder of my time at that firm the phrase “birthday cake problems” was a go-to for any dumb shit people cried about. Also I was never asked to help with staffing issues again, so it was a real win-win for me.
Horatio Cornblower
Boy for a car that ’70’s me would have really fell for, this thing sure had a lot of issues.
2Pack
This was my late ’70’s car. In Italy. As a bachelor. Dude!
2Pack
Even FirstEnergy doesn’t want to be associated with The Browns.
TheRevanchist
“Sure, we rake in billions by raping the Earth and ensuring all our grandchildren die in flames, but even we know that selling your soul to hire a unrepentant sex pest is a bad look.”
BeefReeferLives
Adopted feral bunny update that no one requested:
He has learned to go to the top level of his cage using the ramps. Today is a big deal. The bunny’s intellect has surpassed that of our former Orange President.
LongtimeLionsLoser
Final regular season version of Release the Kraken.
Mr. Ayo
It’s annoying that so many fun things are mutually exclusive. I should be able to ride dressage horses on a sailboat dammit.
Doktor Zymm
Are the large expanses of your yacht not sufficient for dressage? Or is the challenge of the tighter dimensions of a sailboat deck the lure?
Mr. Ayo
Growing enough hay to keep them fed at sea is a real issue, they just don’t seem to like kelp and I can’t say I blame them
Doktor Zymm
/ takes a puff
Wait, wait, I got it.
Work with me here.
What if we grew SEA horses?
yeah right
Second, tell several someones where you’re going [on your hike] and the dates you’ll leave and return. At least one of these should be expecting to see you on your return
Basically pretend you are a crossfitter.
litre_cola
Manchester City front office guy, this past off-season: “De Bruyne is one of the best passers, nay, best players in the world. What can we do to make him even better?”
Locker Room towel boy, who is high as balls: “What if you got him a giant fucking Viking to kick the ball at and just see what happens.”
FOG: “You’re fi…No, hang on, let’s play this out….”
Horatio Cornblower
Today is the Canadian League opener. I am taking Decilitre to the bar where all the supporters will be. This could go two ways. He could eaither do swimmingly and be engaged with the folk. Or he could be a dickhead 5 year old and we last 1 pint…
litre_cola
I have a 5-year old boy too. I’d give you 70/30 odds that it goes well, based on my experiences.
Godspeed.
LongtimeLionsLoser
He does come down there with me for EPL games and I usually get about an hour and a half. This will be a different beast as the place will be packed. I am bringing a coloUring book for some time.
litre_cola
He does know the songs too, so that will help. It legit was one of the top 5 Dad moments when there was a rain delay before a match last year and we were under the bleachers and the chanting and singing began. He had the hugest smile on his face and then one of the lads gave him a drum when the game had started.
Will always remember until the dementia kicks in.
litre_cola
Just bought tickets to Pat Benatar at a casino arena, so may as well go ahead and get that AARP application started.
Horatio Cornblower
I hope the mosh pit isn’t a battlefield.
scotchnaut
Live from the breadline.* Terrible weather for administrative work 🤬
* to buy almond croissants
Don T
I paid off my credit card. Zero balance.
I’m debt free motherfuckers.
No money owed to any fucking body.
I don’t need credit.
I got cash!
yeah right
As an amateur zoologist, I’m always intrigued when I come across a new species. I present to you, the rare and elusive Burger Bill Platypus.
LongtimeLionsLoser
/adorable kiddos!
Fronkenshteen
I resent this stupid AI thingie implying that I am a substance abuser. I do not abuse substances. I enjoy, nay, I REVERE them. So put that in your pipe and smoke it- oh that’s right, machine, you can’t! That’s what separates us from them, and why they will nevah be real. We get high!
Gumbygirl
Watching The Bourne Supremacy. It’s a national disgrace that Julia Stiles didn’t get more work.
BugEyedBoo
Apparently, it’s by choice. She wants to raise her kids, like Rick Moranis.
WCS
Rick Moranis is her kid? I did not know that.
BugEyedBoo
No dummy, he means she wants to shrink her kids to the size on insects, then try to run them over with a lawnmower.
Having raised two kids I’m in no position to say that she’s completely wrong here.
Horatio Cornblower
I ate a healthy, well-rounded dinner, and even sensible dessert tonight.
This frees me up to eat cheeseburgers and pizza the rest of the week, right?
WCS
Seafood is healthy, right? So a big plate of linguini with clams is practically health food, right? Asking for a friend.
Dunstan
Redshirt
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
The before and after of Maple Leaf Square after the third Tampa goal:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSMfVafyO8w&ab_channel=JimCarrey
Leafs already behind? ColoUr me shocked!
Give me all the Toronto fan shots!
So watching the NBA playoffs last night I was really hoping someone would throw something at Draymond Green, but what would they throw? Then I realized that a set of old keys – ones that you don’t need anymore and wouldn’t be traceable back to you – would be perfect. You could clip them to your regular keys to get them into the arena, and then just unclip them and huck them when Draymond Green starts barking at you. Good solid contact with the face would probably draw blood, it would be awesome.
Of course, I’m sure this technique is well-known in Philadelphia.
“I have also been hit by keys, thrown from a high position, In Philadelphia.”
-Santa
“Why would you have a leftover key?”
–Ryan Leaf
I have to say, Princess really knows what she meant with Lindt dark schokolade. Stuff is really good. Now, leave me alone.
“Whew. At least ain’t nobody talking about us today” – Chelsea Football Club aka Los Trespasserios
I hear Dominion’s buying them for $787 million.
Little known fact, their stadiu
/pelted to death with tomahtoes
Oh believe you me, my father is talking about Chelsea today.
Fox News is covering…the deficit.
woke budget smgh
MSNBC is reporting that Fox and Dominion have reached a settlement.
It better involve Tucker Carlson being drawn and quartered.
He’ll get a raise and bonus. Hannity, too.
LET ME HAVE MY DREAM!!!
That was a down button comment, but I can’t vote for myself.
2Pack’s first car was much nicer than mine. Behold the majestic 1974 Mercury Comet! Such a piece of shit, if you moved the floor mats, you could see the road. Total rustbucket, and I bought it when it was 5 years old!
Fox is presenting videos of Homer Simpson having trouble with voting machines in their trial with Dominion. Going well for Fox you guys!
somehow Homer is still smarter than most Fox Viewers
They’re using a parody of parody to suggest they were just parodying themselves totes obvs libtard smhg stop beeng so woke
Damn seven-dimensional chess. I’m too stupid to get the strategery.
that’s so anti-un-re-de-woked
Yet another example of how it’s never too late to learn new things from America’s youth:
& eagerly awaiting scientific literature on the effects of “quantum fucktanglement”.
Jada got into a romantic fucktanglement when she cheated on Will Smith.
Careful, you lookin to get slapped???
Just another reminder that you’re never too old to learn new things from the young’uns:
Ah, looks like the original link is out of purgatory. Derp.
And here’s Bun Bun.
😍
Just hands down adorable. Looks like he’s got plenty of nummie veggies to munch on.
Yep, we found out that he’s an Eastern Cottontail, and so we read up on what he likes.
He supposed to be about two pounds
What’s the long-term plan for the rabbit? Pet? Catch-and-release?
If you are releasing it my cat would like to know where and when for, uh, “reasons”
All the misguided creatures that end up here serve life as pets. When he gets big enough I’ll build him a hutch in the backyard, next to the duck hutch.
We used to have ducks that were awesome pets. However, about 18 months ago a weasel got the ducks in the backyard. I have now trained my dogs to deal with weasels with extreme prejudice.
These were the ducks.
And my poor son when the babysitter cut his hair and gave him a bowl cut.
Nice that you let your son live with the ducks.
He had to earn it…
The solution seems obvious: pet weasels.
Don’t put me near a weasel for “reasons”. They killed my ducks!
In their defense, ducks are delicious.
Ducks are delicious. Just not mine.
Two quid seems a bit much for such a lil guy. Might be due to Brexit inflation though. How much in USD?
About $2.80, I bought a currency hedge.
“We better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit’s dynamite!!”
LOOK AT THE BONES
I nearly soiled my armor I was so scared!
That rabbit deserves a name an angsty teen would call their shitty metal band, like Demon Puncher or Gangrenous Limbs.
Skull Thumper!!! Your idea rules.
My bunnies enjoying the sun
“We had joy, we had fun, we had bunnies in the sun”
Cheers, Pink Ears!
What types of rabbits are these? They are awesome.
@LongtimeLionsLoser the white one (Rex,Male) is a New Zealand white and the brown one (Lola, Female) is a Holland Lop. They are a bonded pair, so bestest friends and do everything together. They also fight over food and their favourite food is whatever is in the others mouth. They have both been fixed, but that doesn’t stop Rex from trying.
He’s embiggening by leaps and bounds!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRIt2-tWkgE&ab_channel=Dankmus
embiggened
Cromulent growth!
For Beef Reefer, another feral bunny update that no one else asked for.
Bunny’s weight when we rescued him: 2.2 oz
Bunny’s weight now 5.1 oz
My funny: I was making a salad last night for my dinner, and my wife comes in and looks at it and says, “What in the Hell are you doing? That’s the organic Romaine from Whole Foods. It’s for the bunny. There’s a bag from Walmart somewhere in there for you.”
Lil feller’s only been there a week, and is already outranking you…
That’s rough.
Let’s not kid ourselves, it took a day, and then I was relegated.
the only time i get promoted is when it’s time to feed or clean up after the bunnies
“Hey Scotchy, are you going to watch any NBA playoffs thisyear?”
https://i.imgur.com/0Psl8bW.mp4
One of my college classmates did the Mad Fold-In thing for his yearbook page:
The solution:
Napoli at Milano in Champions league action tonight. They televise those free as opposed to Series A which is pay per view. Cream soda, chips and Marika should add value to the viewing.
She definitely needs her own avatar and emoji
AI enters Millennial phase
I eagerly await more adopted feral bunny updates (hopefully with pictures of the cute lil feller) from you, LLL!!
I will get him out this afternoon and post pics. He’s enjoying his romaine right now, and root vegetable tops (he loves the leaves on top of carrots).
Squee!!
Does he have a name yet? If not, might I propose “Bunnicula”?
I loved that book…it was my third grade “Lunch Bag Puppet” project subject.
[is more of the “unction” type] – Robert Kraft
Extreme, preferably.
I was kinda AWOL the past week or so, I thoroughly enjoyed the catch up as usual.
you absence has been noted and will be on your permanent record.
And his absence has made our hearts grow fonder…
Don’t get so distressed. Did I happen to mention that I’m impressed?
So I struggle sometimes getting my ADHD son to eat breakfast when he’s excited in the morning.
I try to make him funny food art so that he eats. Today was “Anatomically correct Pear Bear” with Gushers for testicles.
That the Gushers are filled with gushing liquid seemed accurate (although I don’t mention that part).
That’s some great parenting right there. And you haveta do things when things are crazy and tough that make yourself chuckle to remain somewhat able to function
You’re totally right. I was at my wit’s end with him and this was my only way of calming down (making son and wife laugh).
I hope that you all get a laugh out of it. Hopefully it makes Alex laugh too, who had a rough time yesterday (I’m there this morning).
Yep got me good. Worth an entry into an ADHD cookbook
That’s great bragging material. “My breakfast has a truck scrotum. Does yours? Shame…”
I can’t wait to tell the other parents at his school.
Do your kids get breakfasts with candy gonads? No, WHY THE FUCK NOT?