Let’s play a quick game: you have been given one food item and one food item only that you are granted full immunity from any negative health effects it may normally bring. Regardless of fat content, preparation or total calories, you are now free to consume as much of it as you like and as frequently as you like without any consequences.

What would it be?

Feel free to share in the comments section.

For me it’s a tough choice because holy fuck do I love cheese but my choice may be pork ribs.

God. Damn. Do I love ribs. St. Louis style, baby backs, rib tips, short ribs (yes I know they’re beef) and beef ribs. In pretty much any iteration and preparation. When prepared properly they are the perfect balance of tender meaty goodness and the all powerful melty fat content. There is also something incredibly primal about gnawing animal flesh directly off the bone. With ribs you’re not dealing with one single bone like chomping down on a bone-in ribeye (yes I’ve been known to grab hold of that fucker and chomp at it like a goddamn savage) we’re talking a whole bunch of bones. If you’re eating outside you can even channel your inner Henry the VIII and just toss them gnawed-clean bones right the fuck over your shoulder. If you have a dog to toss them to you will have a canine buddy for life!

Tell me anything more primal than that. You can eat to your heart’s content and pile a massive tower of cleaned bones around you. Your wives will understand I’m sure.

Fun story time!

Back in 2003 or so I went to a metal concert in Devore, CA just north of Ontario. They have this big ass outdoor amphitheater and a huge section of lawn seating behind the permanent seats. This place can hold hundreds of thousands, I shit you not. During the 2nd day of the second US Festival in 1984 they told us that we had over 400,000 headbangers in attendance. Think about THAT for a minute. The lawn seating is ringed by concession stands, food tents. beer tents, cooling stations, water fountains etc. During the 2003 show I was primarily there to see Pantera but there was a nice selection of opening bands too including Slipknot, Static-X and more.

Since the statute of limitations has passed I feel free to tell you that I had dropped acid for this show. That may have been the last time I’ve done any. During their set Phil Anselmo, Pantera’s lead singer was reminiscing about how long the band had been together and he asked the (mostly pretty young) crowd if they remembered where they were “Twenty years ago when we released our first fucking album?”

I reflected on this and since it was right around Memorial day it dawned on me… Holy fucking shit I was probably sitting on the same fucking hillside at the US Festival watching bands and tripping my dick off! That was one of those moments of cosmic synergy that really only happen when you’re tripping hard.

To cut to the finish, this concert venue is an absolute cluster of fuckery when you’re trying to leave. Think about 50,000 vehicles all trying to get back to the I-15 freeway to get back home with only one 2-lane road leading in and out.

I’ve literally just given up and spent the night in the car instead of attempting to leave before. The trick here is leaving before everyone else does even if it means you miss a few songs or even a closing band. Sorry Ozzy but I’ve seen you and Black Sabbath about 7 times already so I’m leaving before your closing set.

I was with a couple of close friends and my oldest daughter (not tripping) and son-in-law (possibly tripping) and they each grabbed one of my arms since I was unsteady as a motherfucker and still tripping hard, and they escorted me up the hill to the concession area where it was easier to exit. I looked down as we were walking out and I started to notice what looked like bones. They were bones. Tons of bones. It was like fucking Golgotha! Bones everywhere. It was a “metal as fuck” feeling having just seen Pantera and now I’m getting out by climbing over piles of bones.

There was a barbecue tent at the top of the hill and these were gnawed rib bones. I can’t ever eat ribs without remembering that moment.

Boy did I fucking digress there.

These ribs are from my favorite barbecue place in all of L.A. JR’s Barbecue in Culver City. If you have heard me talk about them before there’s a reason for that. This place is fucking amazing! The owner is a nephew of Jim Neely who owns Interstate Barbecue in Memphis, TN that I mentioned in my earlier Memphis travelogue. As discussed before, the Neely’s are barbecue royalty in Memphis and the food at JR’s is just as good and prepared “Memphis style” with the correct rub and the darker molasses based sauce.

Not sure why I’m bring this up since that’s not the type of preparation I did for today’s ribs but it’s nice to get the old saliva glands working anyway.

Shit, sorry. That’s not fair to you all.

Here’s what I’ll do to make up for it. My very own proprietary Memphis style barbecue rub.

Memphis Style Barbecue Rub!

I’m going to give you a quick recipe that will yield a small-medium size batch of rub. This can be adjusted to size depending on what you’re barbecuing. The important ratios to remember are 3 parts paprika, 2 parts sugar in the raw and one part of everything else.

3 tablespoons paprika (smoked Spanish is nice, as is hot Hungarian)

2 tablespoons Turbinado sugar or sugar in the raw. This is key because regular sugar burns when cooking for a long time and burnt sugar is bullshit.

1 tablespoon salt

1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper

1 tablespoon onion powder

1 tablespoon garlic powder

1 tablespoon chili powder

1 tablespoon of cumin

1 tablespoon of crushed dried oregano

1 tablespoon of cayenne pepper – don’t be a sissy Mary here!

1 tablespoon of dried thyme

1 tablespoon of dry mustard powder – optional

Mix everything together and store in an airtight container in a cool dry place. This should last for months.

If you were smoking these ribs at home, you would coat the ribs with the rub and let them chill overnight. Next day get your smoker up to temp and use a mixture of charcoal and soaked hickory chips. Cook these for about 3 to 3 1/2 hours at a temp of 275-ish and if desired baste with a little apple cider vinegar during the cooking process. Right near the end of the cooking time use a little more rub to coat.

These can be served as is but if you want a true Memphis style sauce I’ve bought from these guys in the past.

I’m not even ashamed to admit that I don’t have a homemade Memphis style sauce recipe to give you.

Now this is the point where you ask “Why in THE FUCK are you going on and on about Memphis style ribs when you ain’t even making them today?”

Because I want you to have options! And I’m a wordy motherfucker too. Just wanted to show you a few of the many different preparation techniques that all lead to a goddamn tasty rib dish.

So what are we doing today? Remember these bad boys? The Korean style wings? We’re going to pretty much duplicate that sauce recipe and slow cook these in the oven.

I had some leftover gochujang that I needed to use up, so sue me.

Spicy Sticky Korean style baby back ribs!

Cut up your ribs into segments of 2-3 ribs.

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees.

Here’s that sauce recipe again.

1/2 to 3/4 cup of gochujang

2 tablespoons of dark brown sugar

2 tablespoons of soy sauce

2 tablespoons of rice vinegar

2 teaspoons of sesame oil

1 teaspoon of grated or minced ginger

5 cloves of garlic minced.

Combine all ingredients to make a gooey paste.

You are seriously going to need a large disposable baking pan for these. SERIOUSLY! I’ll show you why in a second. Coat the ribs with about 3/4 of  the sauce and put them in the baking pan, fully cover the pan with some foil. Place that baking pan onto a baking sheet – seriously! And cook low and slow for about 3 hours. After the 3 hours take the ribs out of the oven, increase the oven temp to about 425, coat the ribs with the remaining sauce and cook in the hotter oven for about 15-20 minutes to develop a glaze.  Now about this picture…

At first glance you may say “Holy shit those look like some tasty damn ribs!” And they were! Delicious even! Outstanding ribs that really pleased the entire crowd.

Now enlarge the photo by clicking on it.

See that? I absolutely FUCKED that baking pan directly in it’s ass!

I am not immune to a cooking error or two and I promised to be honest with you when I first started doing these posts. That baking pan was thrown out with the leftover bones when the meal was finished. What happened was I piled the ribs a little too deep in the disposable pan before covering with foil and some of the bubbling sauce leaked out onto the baking pan during the cooking process. I did say these were “sticky” ribs after all. The good news is the food was still excellent and I have 3 more baking pans so no big loss there. Trust me on the disposable baking pan.

Dirty secret two: I really wanted to cook these until just tender and finish them on a charcoal grill but they were cooked to fall off the bone state already and that could have been another big goddamn mess if I tried to grill them. Hence the quick glaze and the finish in the oven. If you want to try to finish these on a grill, cook the ribs in the oven for about 2 1/2 to 2 and 3/4 hours then baste with the sauce and finish cooking on the grill.

Since these turned out as tasty as they did, that recipe right up there was what I wanted to share. Besides I was able to save some charcoal for another day.

Here’s the banner image again.

Yep I went quick and easy with a can of Bush’s baked beans that I already had on hand.

These ribs are slightly sweet, definitely have a smoky spiciness from the gochujang, a tang from the vinegar and a good garlic kick. I LOVE this sauce as should be evident from using the same sauce for the wings. They also reheat in the microwave in just a few seconds and are just as delicious the next day.

It’s totally fine to make an occasional kitchen mistake as long as you don’t incinerate the entire fucking house in the process, just use your adaptation skills that you know doubt now have being the regular Sunday Gravy reader that you are.

So there you have it! Another rib recipe to mess around with since you are now allowed to eat ribs with every meal without any health consequences. Or was that just me?

Thanks for reading fellow headbangers.

Get after it!