2 WEEKS AGO – INTERIOR – COLIN KAEPERNICK’S BAY AREA HOME
[COLIN KAEPERNICK is on the phone with his AGENT and is clearly very upset]
KAEPERNICK: Absolutely not! I won’t do it!
AGENT: But Colin, if you don’t, he’ll cut you from the team. He’s been trying to since day one! And you know how the rest of the League has responded to all this. You’ll never get a chance to play again.
KAEPERNICK: That can’t be true! I helped take this team to a Super Bowl! Sure, things haven’t been great lately, but I can still play! Someone will take a chance on me!
AGENT: Colin, if you are cut for Christian Ponder… Do I even need to finish that statement?
[KAEPERNICK buries his face in his hands and audibly sighs]
KAEPERNICK: Once. I will do it ONE. TIME.
AGENT: Thank you for seeing reason. I will have it sent over tonight.
KAEPERNICK: I’m burning it when we’re through.
AGENT: That’s fine, just one thing…
KAEPERNICK: What?
AGENT: You have to sell it.
THE NEXT DAY – INTERIOR – CHIP KELLY’S OFFICE AT THE 49ERS PRACTICE FACILITY
CHIP KELLY: …then there’s the Muscovy, Mallard, Magpie, Mandarin and Mulard, not to be confused with the Mallard. Did you get all of those?
CHRISTIAN PONDER: Sure did, Coach! In fact, I already read ahead, and know that the Mulard is a hybrid of the Muscovy and Pekin breeds!
KELLY: Ah, Christian, you continue to impress me. And with a fine name like that… It represents such strength, unity, blinding purity…
PONDER: High praise from you, Coach! I’m just happy to be a part of the team, even if I am backing up our starting quarterback.
KELLY: Yes, well, that hasn’t officially been decided yet. But between you and me…
[There is a loud series of knocks at the office door]
KELLY: [Clearly irritated] What?! What is it?! I am in the middle of mentoring a fine, young, malleable mind to quarterback my top collegiate system!
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
KAEPERNICK: Aloha, Coach!
KELLY: [Furious] Colin! Can’t you read?! The sign on the door clearly says…!
[KELLY’S expression suddenly softens]
KAEPERNICK: Oh, I’m so sorry, Coach. I was at a luau last night and didn’t realize I was so late. I must still be running on island time! [Chuckles] You know how it goes.
KELLY: [Flustered] Yes! Well… Be that as it may…
PONDER: What in the hell…?
KELLY: Christian! Would you be so kind as to give us a moment?
PONDER: Yes, of course Coach!
[PONDER gets up and quickly exits, shooting daggers at KAEPERNICK, who casually sits in his vacant chair]
KELLY: Well Colin, there’s something, different about you… It’s really… Suddenly a lot of things are starting to make sense.
KAEPERNICK: [Coyly, hiding a grin] What ever do you mean, Coach?
KELLY: I know this is a personal question, but, if you don’t mind… Are you… You know… [Mouths the word “Ha-waii-an“]
KAEPERNICK: My people have endured a lot of hardship. I don’t really like to talk about it among… [Grimaces] Haoles.
KELLY: I completely understand. [Pauses] So, is this why you sat during the National Anthem last week?
KAEPERNICK: It’s, part of the reason. You know, a lot of Latin, and African Americans…
KAEPERNICK: AND, uh, Hawaiian, Americans…?
KAEPERNICK: …really feel like more can be done to reduce violence in their communities, and I am just trying to bring awareness to that fact. I mean no disrespect to our troops or the freedoms they fight for. This isn’t about them at all. I just think that we as a country can and should do better.
KELLY: You know, Colin, you really remind me of someone. I took a chance on him, despite some of my “tendencies,” and, well, I wouldn’t be where I am today without him.
KAEPERNICK: Does that mean…?
KELLY: Well, that depends. [Jots down “Can 3 QBs be on the field at the same time? Ask Jedd.” on notepad]
KAEPERNICK: [Sighs] Well, Coach, I know you asked me this on your first day here…
KELLY: Yes?
KAEPERNICK: And I’ve been thinking about it…
KELLY: Yes?!
KAEPERNICK: And if you want to call me… Quack-ernick, when it’s just the two of us… [Throws up in his mouth a little]
KELLY: Oh Colin! You’ve made me so happy! [Pulls out phone and sends a quick text] Or should I say, QUACK-ernick!
[KAEPERNICK grabs a nearby trash can and violently vomits into it]
KELLY: Too much fun at the luau last night?
[KAEPERNICK wipes his mouth and barely manages a weak grin]
KELLY: Not a problem. Now, tell me everything that you learned, in college…
Meanwhile, in Nashville…
[MARCUS MARIOTA sits down at a table in a fine restaurant with RODNEY HARRISON]
MARCUS MARIOTA: Aloha, Mr. Harrison!
RODNEY HARRISON: Please, Marcus. Just call me Rodney.
MARIOTA: Aloha, Rodney. To what do I owe the pleasure of this lunch invitation?
HARRISON: Well, Marcus, as one of the analysts on Sunday Night Football, I wanted to get to know a young rising star such as yourself. With the, er, state, of your division, the Titans could very well be contending for the AFC South title this year. Down the stretch I am hoping that maybe we can flex one of your games into our lineup, and…
[MARIOTA’S phone quacks twice]
HARRISON: Please, don’t mind me.
MARIOTA: Sorry… [Glances at phone]
MARIOTA: Huh. Did you know that Colin Kaepernick is Hawaiian?
HARRISON: You don’t say…
[Banner image via]
[…] you… [Snaps back to reality] It’s not a place for good kids like you, Wilton. Too many liars, traitors and stuck up people who just won’t buy into my […]
[…] blurb was written by Jim Harbaugh, because Chip Kelly probably found out Kaep’s not Hawaiian, and Jim Tomsula was late because the 8:37 from Topeka was […]
Very good.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/d7c3f61c22ebf81d068ab90dc1990827/tumblr_od7k2dTkEV1qazbepo1_500.gif
We’re reading Mariota as Spicoli right
This reminded me of when I said that one day Chip Kelly will be arrested for some truly unique bizarre crime that has us all shocked until we think about it for a bit and realize it’s not shocking at all. I now know what that crime will be: Duck Fucking.
http://i.imgur.com/eOzUTVt.gif
Jesus. I shouldn’t have read this on my break in the dining room. The customers are looking at me.
*smoke bombs the building*
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Fear the Walking Dead is apparently written by meth addled chimpanzees.
No way. If it were meth addled chimps, it would at least move a little quicker.
(I’m just guessing about its pace, as I’ve watched one episode from the first season, but it’s probably as plodding and slow as TWD)
I keep watching it, hoping something will happen.
So far, the only thing it has inspired me to do is track down a few of the actors and push them into an industrial bread slicing machine.
Yeah man, how the hell did that show go so wrong? I made it through, like, half the first episode. If this is the kind of shit that’s gonna be on TV, I’m threatening to go pick up a book.
Heroin is a motherfucker
What the hell was the purpose of this?
Allowed some asshole to bring up Favre again?
We’re never going to be rid of him or Manningbot, you know this.
I just got a 68 on an assignment that I did not do. I didn’t even turn it in.
One off!
Almost nice!
Do you go to U*NC?
If he’d said he was too busy raping someone to get the assignment done I’d have guessed Baylor.
Well, I mean if he’d said that and the administration had actually accepted it as an excuse. If they’d just ignored him entirely I’d have assumed Notre Dame.
Nah. They’d be too busy conspiring to kill more students that bothered him
The U*NC players have started raping too. ALLEGEDLY.
They at least had to turn in a blank sheet of paper to get a grade
Reached for comment, Kelly said “Quack, quack, quack quack.”
I think we have some audio from that transcript:
What does Dr. David Chao have to do with any of this?
I’d post my Kobe 10 gif if I could
If they ever do an MTV Cribs episode of Rodney Harrison’s mountain retreat, I’m confident it will show up on my Hulu as: Season 18, Episode 5: Uncle Tom’s Cabin.
Uncle Tom gets a bad rap. Rodney Harrison is straight up sambo eating his tiger pancakes.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Story_of_Little_Black_Sambo
My mother had a copy of that book that I read as a kid. Unfortunately, it got lost during one of our moves. I liked it when I was a kid.
“Can 3 QBs be on the field at the same time? Ask Jedd.”
I’m going to miss Chip when he’s out of the league in three years. Otherwise insane coaching decisions are reduced to simply outside-the-box-but-just-might-work when connected to Chip.
OSU thinks so. (Not the Beavers, THE other OSU)