[7:32am, Nogales, Arizona]

The duo climbs into the Truck Formerly Known as “Dave”.  tWBS throws up in his mouth a little as he buckles his seat belt.

balls:  You OK?

tWBS:  I can do this….I can do this.

balls turns the key, but nothing happens.

balls:  Oh shit.  What else did they screw up?

tWBS:  No, it’s not that.

balls:  Whaddya mean?

tWBS:  You’re gonna think I’m crazy.

balls:  That ship sailed a while ago.  You know that…right?

tWBS:  Fine.  (to Dave) … Dave, I’m sorry.  This is all on me.  I was a bad parent.  I owed you better and I let you down.  I promise we’re gonna make this right.  But we have to go to Tucson to see the doctor who’s gonna fix you.  You have to….you have to be strong.  (tWBS listens, then replies) …  I know, I know it’s embarrassing.  But balls is driving…just think how funny that’s gonna be.  (tWBS listens again, giggles a little) … Inorite?????  OK.  Good talk, Dave.

tWBS sighs.

tWBS (to balls):  Go ahead.

balls turns the key and Dave’s well-maintained engine roars to life without hesitation.

balls:  Holy shit.

tWBS says nothing.

balls:  Ooooookay…..So where am I headed?

tWBS:  Make a U turn.  Then take the first left.  Then the 2nd right.  That road becomes La 19.  Then just drive I guess.  I think I’m gonna be sick.

balls follows tWBS’ directions and soon The Truck Formerly Known as Dave makes the wide turn and picks up speed as the road transitions into the interstate highway.

balls:  Did you say “La 19″…?

tWBS:  Probably.  Shut up.  I’m grieving.

balls:  Oh FFS, Dude…would you just chill already about that.  We’re gonna get him fixed and…Oh shit….

tWBS:  What?

balls sees the lights of a police cruiser in the rear view mirror.

balls:  We’re getting pulled over.  Shit, what’d I do?  I wasn’t speeding.  And we’re not even out of Nogales yet, FFS!!!

tWBS (giggling):  Told you, Dave.  Yeah, faster than I expected too.  This is gonna be fun.  Yeah I know …. it’s gonna take longer.  But worth it.

–

Ten minutes later, Dave and the boys are mobile again.

balls:  So…that’s why, huh?

tWBS (snickering):  I’m sure I have no idea what you mean.

balls:  You’re lucky he didn’t give me a ticket or I’d be really pissed right now.

tWBS:  A ticket?  For what?  DWM?

balls:  DWM?

tWBS:  Driving While Mexican.  Come on man, try and keep up.

balls:  I feel like I should be offended by that.

tWBS:  Oh please.  I’m on your side.  But I can’t not see the humor in it.

balls:  Well just so you know….

balls looks in the rearview mirror again.

balls:  …..Oh goddammit!!!!!

tWBS:  Oh my god this is better than I ever expected.  And we haven’t even gotten to the….

balls:  To the…what?

tWBS (laughing):  Never mind.

balls:  I’m really starting to not like you again.

tWBS (still laughing):  Get in line, Sunshine.

–

Another ten minutes later, and the two are AGAIN headed north.  Sheeesh.

balls:  So, what now?

tWBS:  What, what now?

balls:  Well, we kinda keep getting pulled over.

tWBS:  No no…YOU keep getting pulled over.  OK fine.  After we get past the….

tWBS laughs hysterically…

tWBS:  I’ll tell you what.  You drive to Green Valley.  It’s only a little ways further.  We’ll exit there and I’ll drive the rest of the way.

balls:  You think you can?  I mean with Dave…the way he is?

tWBS:  Oh yeah.  By the time we get to Green Valley I expect to be in a really good mood.  Also, you might want to start slowing down.

balls:  Why?

tWBS points ahead.  balls looks and asks….

balls:  Uhhhh…WTF is that?

tWBS:  This is where things get interesting.  It’s a good thing now that Tony and Shelly got all the drugs out of the truck.

balls:  But…did they?  All of them?

balls and tWBS look at one another, then turn slowly to look in the back seat.  Aside from empty beer bottles, fast food wrappers and other assorted road garbage, it is empty.

tWBS:  Oh thank Christ.

balls slows down and gets in line at the Border Patrol checkpoint about 15 miles north of Nogales.

tWBS:  Hey, your picture isn’t on that wall over there or anything, is it?

balls:  Leticia was right.  You’re not funny.

tWBS:  Ohhhh…stop it.  I’m just trying to make the best of it.  And yes I am funny and she knows it.  Dave thinks so, too.

balls:  Are you OK?

tWBS:  I honestly don’t know anymore.  Also, you might wanna go ahead and get your driver’s license out, just in case.  (laughing now) … But it probably won’t matter.

tWBS reaches over and clicks on Dave’s radio, adjusts the station, and cranks the volume.

balls:  WTF are you doing?

tWBS:  Trust me, this is going to make it wayyyy funnier.

balls slowly makes his way to the front of the line.  As the Truck Formerly Known as Dave rolls to the front, several Border Patrol agents approach the vehicle.  One has a clipboard, one has a dog, the others have big guns.

balls:  Ummmm….Dude?

tWBS:  Don’t make any sudden moves.  And let me do the talking.

balls:  Wow, really?  You are just filling me with confidence today.

tWBS:  Relax, I’m white.  Remember?

The Border Patrol K-9 dude makes a sweep around Dave.  The dog does not alert so he moves on to the next vehicle.

tWBS:  Step one cleared.

Clipboard dude steps to the driver’s side window.

BP Clipboard Dude (snickering):  Wow, nice truck.  License?

tWBS (giggling):  Occifer….I’m white.  (raises hand Obi Wan Kenobi style) …  And this is not the Wetback you’re looking for.

tWBS breaks into hysterical laughter.  balls looks really pissed.

BP Clipboard Dude:  Is he OK?

balls:  I’m honestly not sure anymore.

BP Clipboard Dude:  OK, I’m gonna need you to pull to the side over there and open up the back for me.

balls (to tWBS):  Are you fucking insane?  Now he’s gonna check us.

tWBS:  He was gonna do that anyway, trust me.  And so what?  What’s he gonna find?  A couple of Tecate surfboards?  Some assorted Tecate swag that maybe we technically forgot to claim because you were busy not banging some cute little Border Patrol Chick?  Who cares?  Besides, this isn’t my fault.  I’m not the one who mutilated Dave and then covered the bed with that monstrosity.  That’s the issue here you know?  They want to make sure we’re not coyote’ing.  Just pop it open and we’ll get on our way.

balls:  Fine.

balls pulls to the side and the two get out and move to the tailgate.  They pop the tailgate and lift the newly installed hatch monstrosity.

balls and tWBS (in unison):  OH.  FUCK.

Both of our heroes look around frantically.

balls:  What do we do????

tWBS:  What can we do?  If you want to make a run for it, I can’t stop you.  But trust me, that dog is faster than you are.  Just let me do the talking, OK?

balls:  Yeah, because that worked out so well a minute ago????

tWBS:  Trust me.

Just then, the two hear automatic weapons cock behind them, and multiple voices in unison say…

Voices:  OH.  FUCK.

balls:  Yeah….so you do the talking.  K thx.

–

Ten minutes later, balls and tWBS sit nearby Dave…in handcuffs.

tWBS:  OK, so maybe I coulda done better than that.

balls (angrily):  Do ya THINK???  Do you really think “we take naked girls for rides all the time” was the best way to go??

tWBS:  In retrospect, as I said, I could have done better.

Nearby, Shelly, who has been hauled out of the Dave bed by Border Patrol, is irate and confused.  She is also still naked, painted and high as fuck.

balls:  How do you think she got in there?

tWBS:  I dunno man.  I was a blubbering heap.  You were trying to negotiate to get Dave fixed.  I guess we were both distracted.

One of the Border Patrol Officers approaches the two.

BPO:  Stand up.

balls and tWBS look at one another.  Hesitantly, they both stand up.

BPO:  Turn around.

They both turn around.

balls(to tWBS):  I just want you to know…if this is it…I love you man.

tWBS:  GAY!!!!!!!!

The Border Patrol Officer first uncuffs balls, then tWBS.  Then he says…

BPO:  The girl confirms your story.  But she has no proof of citizenship…you know, because she’s all naked and painted and shit.  So we’ll have to transport her the rest of the way to Tucson.  You’re both free to go.

tWBS:  Yes!!!!  See, I told you not to worry.  White for the win!!!!!

BPO:  No, that actually has nothing to do with….

tWBS:  White!! White!! White!!!

BPO (to balls):  Is he OK?

balls:  I honestly don’t care anymore.

BPO:  Get him outta here, would ya?

balls:  Gladly.

The two climb back into Dave and head north.  Again.

balls:  OK, so how far is this Green Valley, anyway?

tWBS:  Not much further.  About fifteen minutes.

balls:  And you’re gonna drive then, right?  Because I’m really getting sick of….

balls:  Oh Come On!!!!!! (to tWBS) … I hate you.

tWBS:  Like I said…get in line.

–

The two finally reach the exit for Green Valley and balls does not hesitate to exit.

balls:  So where am I going?

tWBS:  Hang a left, then after about a half a mile there’s a little strip mall type thingy on the right.  You hungry?

balls:  No, not really.  You?

tWBS:  Nah.  There’s really not much to do around here unless you’re retired.  Or like golf.  Or both.

balls:  No.  No no.  No golf you fucking golf nerd.

tWBS:  I was just saying….

balls:  NO.  Our time in Arizona is not going to turn into a grand tour of tWBS’ favorite golf courses he’s played suckily on.

tWBS:  Suckily?

balls:  It could be a word.

tWBS:  Whatever.  Fine.

The two switch places and tWBS quickly navigates the Truck Formerly Known as Dave back onto the interstate.  The two drive in silence for a while and they’re about to enter the outskirts of the Tucson metro area when tWBS looks in his rearview mirror.

tWBS:  Hey, balls….pay attention.  You’re going to think this is funny.  Well OK, full disclosure….you won’t.  But I will.

balls turns to look and sees this approaching Dave from behind….

balls:  Oh shit.

tWBS:  No, no.  Just wait for it…

The entire line of cruisers speed past toward Tucson.  A few of the DPS officers give a look as they pass, but the ones that do quickly look away.  One even smiles and waves to tWBS.  tWBS waves back.  Then he turns to balls and says….

tWBS:  White, baby.

balls:  Wow.

tWBS:  Right?

balls:  They barely even looked at you.  AND ONE OF THEM EVEN WAVED!!!

balls thinks for a moment…

balls:  So it really is true then?

tWBS: 

–

tWBS:  OK, so you got the address of this guy who’s gonna fix Dave?

balls reads the address off to tWBS.

tWBS:  Shit, that’s in the wrong direction.  We’re supposed to be headed west and now I’m in the wrong fucking lane.  (to balls) …  HOLD ON!!!!!

tWBS turns the wheel hard and cuts across four lanes of traffic.  Horns honk, cars swerve, but no one is hurt.

balls:  Ummmmm….You do realize you still have like a mile and a half before the exit…right?

tWBS:  Meh.  Never pays to wait until the last minute.

Just then….

Both vehicles slow as they pass tWBS.  They give him a look, but then quickly move on.

balls (disgusted):  Wow.  Just fucking wow.

tWBS:  Inorite???

–

The two head east on la 10….errrr I-10.  After only a few miles they reach the exit they’re looking for and easily enough find the shop.

tWBS:  Sooooo….I presume you don’t want me to do the talking this time…?

balls:  Up to you, Cochise.  It’s Dave’s ass this time if you lose it again.

tWBS:  Yeah….yeah.  You do the talking.

balls turns to get out of the Dave Thing.

tWBS:  But tell him I’m mad.

balls:  I suspect he knows that already.

tWBS:  Well then….tell him I’m REALLY REALLY mad.

balls (giggling):  Will do.  Anything else?

tWBS:  Nope.  Just the mad thing.

balls climbs out and heads into the auto body shop.

tWBS (To Dave):  No, no no.  This won’t be the same.  He’s going to get you back to normal.  I promise.  We have to unless you want to stay like this!!!  No you don’t.  NO you don’t, you’re just being hurtful now….you do not like this.  No Dave, no.  You’re not going to get a rise out of me.  This is happening.  OH YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO LET ME LIVE THAT DOWN ARE YOU???  Never mind that you could have left anytime once they found those goddamned stickers.  Don’t put all this on me…you have your share of fault here too so…..

[Door Flies Open]

balls:  Who the fuck are you talking to?  Wait, I probably don’t want that answer.

tWBS:  Probably not.

balls:  OK, here’s the deal.  Tony is apparently sufficiently scared for his life that he has instructed Dave….

tWBS:  Dave?

balls:  Coincidence…but yes.  He’s instructed Dave to fix Dave no matter the cost.  New paint just like factory, and get all that gaudy shit off of him.

tWBS:  Shit.

balls:  What?

tWBS:  Just tell me.

balls:  It’s gonna take overnight.

tWBS says nothing for a moment and then…

tWBS (to Dave):  Well you know what then Dave, maybe you just need to stop being a pussy and suck it up.  I’m sick of this shit.  If you don’t like it, then go the fuck home.  Good luck pumping your own fucking gas tho.  (to balls) …  Tell him to do it.  I need some air.

tWBS gets out of Dave and slams the driver’s side door, hard…then storms off and sits on a bench just outside the store entrance.  balls returns inside with the Dave keys, then returns quickly and sits next to tWBS.

balls:  Are you OK?

tWBS:  I honestly don’t care anymore.

balls:  Well, Tony’s “fear for his life” comp also includes a rental.  And I kinda have a favor to ask.

tWBS:  Name it.

balls:  Well, let’s go get the rental first.  There’s two places he told me about across the street.

tWBS (standing up and flipping off Dave):  Whatever.  Let’s go.

The two cross the street and go to the first rental car place.

 

tWBS:  Sooooo….other place, then?

balls:  Other Place!!

The two go next door….

balls:  Oh my God….I think I just came a little.

tWBS:  Again?  You need more new underpants?

balls begins moving from car to car, looking, dreaming.  The drool from his lips is rivaled only by the boner in his skivvies.

balls: Can weeeee????

tWBS (giggling):  Pick one out, and let’s get this show on the road.  But you have to name him.  Or her, if that feels right.

balls:

tWBS:  So, what’s this favor?

balls:  Um, can we, pretty please with a cherry on top, go to Tombstone?

tWBS:  Tombstone!?!?!  That’s way the fuck out of our way!

balls: Yeah, but we’re not going anywhere for one day.

tWBS:  Tombstone is a fucking tourist trap nowadays.  Why the fuck you wanna go there?

balls:  Ok, so I told you that we lived in Sonora, right?

tWBS:  Uh huh.

balls:  Well, we made the drive up to Tucson quite a lot.  Went through Douglas, up through Bisbee, and past Tombstone.  The last time I was there, one of those dudes in the OK Corral show told me a secret.

tWBS:  Oh, God. And he told you not to tell anyone…didn’t he?  Listen, balls, it’s ok, it wasn’t your fault.  You were young…

….WE NEED AN ADULT, WE NEED AN ADULT!!!

balls:  No, you dipshit!  It wasn’t like that!

tWBS: Well, maybe he was tender to you.  It was still wrong.  And, to tell you the truth, a lot of things make sense now.

balls:  First of all, what the fuck kind of shit is that to say?!?  Second of all, he didn’t show me his weiner or do anything sexual.  He just told me about one of the saloons and how it’s haunted and the old ghosts come to life every full moon.

tWBS:  Weiner? Really?

balls:  That’s what you got out of that?

tWBS:  Oh sorry, I didn’t think you’d want me to tell you how stupid I think it is that you believe there’s some haunted werewolf saloon in Tombstone….

balls:  Fuck you.  And I didn’t say werewolf.

tWBS (laughing his ass off): Yeah, you said full moon and I kinda ran with that one.  Anywhooo….give me one reason why we should go miles out of our way?

balls:  I’ll give you three.  One:  You get to drive Natasha Nicole.  That’s what I’ve named our rental, btw.  Two and Three:  Ghost Courtesans.

tWBS: Ghost what now?

balls:  Ghost. Courtesans.

tWBS:  Is that Mexican for hookers? Do I have to wear a ghost condom or am I going to get ghost AIDS?

balls:  Jesus, I forget you’re a redneck sometimes.

tWBS:  Uh, thanks?

balls:  Anyway, whaddaya say?  Tonight is the last night of the full moon and we’re stuck here overnight.  What else are we going to do?

tWBS:  Fuck it.  Fine, let’s go.

balls:  Yay!!!

–

Ten minutes later, balls is given the keys to Natasha Nicole.  He hands the keys to tWBS and they walk outside where Natasha Nicole is

tWBS: OH. MY. GOD.

balls:  Yeah.  This kinda makes up for Tony fucking up Dave, doesn’t it?

tWBS: No, but I’m glad you gave me the keys.  There is no way your Mexican ass drives 2 miles without getting pulled over in this.

balls:  This is sadly true.

I-10 east of Tucson is pretty straight and boring and full of cops, so tWBS keeps Natasha Nicole at a steady safe pace until the turnoff for State Highway 80 in Benson, which is the way towards Tombstone and Cochise County.  Once out of the town, it’s a desolate road with hardly anyone in sight.  tWBS guns it.

tWBS:  YEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

balls:  I’m going to fucking die.

tWBS:  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Way too quickly, the duo arrives at the outskirts of Tombstone.

tWBS:  Awww, that was over way too quickly!

balls:  Is that what Leticia said to you?

tWBS:  You know what?  Just for that, we’re doing another run.

tWBS whips the wheel around and does a quick 180.  He then goes tearing down the road again towards Benson.

tWBS:  YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

balls hangs on to the Oh Jesus Bar for dear life.  Once they get close to Benson, tWBS pulls another U-ey and drives like a madman back to Tombstone.  Soon, they get to the outskirts again.

tWBS:  Got anything to say, smart guy?

balls: No, nothing at all!  Hey, look!  There’s a hotel.  Let’s get a room.

tWBS:  Get a room, huh?  Wow, my driving turned you on that much, did it?  Shouldn’t you buy me dinner first, at least?

balls:  Fuck you.

–

After parking Natasha Nicole, getting the hotel room, and grabbing a late lunch, the two walk towards the center of town which still has all the old buildings from the Old West days…

There is one particular building which used to be an old saloon.

The two walk in.  A cranky old man behind the counter sees them.

Cranky Old Man: We’re about to close, just so you know.

balls (to the man):  Ok.  (to tWBS) Man, he’s kindofa dick, no?

tWBS:  Yeah, pretty much.  He should be happy we walked in.  Are you going to ask him about the haunted thing?

balls:  Nah, now I feel like an idiot.

tWBS:  Just now?

balls: Shut up.  Let’s go find the OK Corral cowboys.

tWBS:  Is that like the Tombstone version of the Chippendales, or……?  You’re really into that kind of thing aren’t you?  Probably leftover emotional scarring from that cowboy bad touching you back then and….

balls: Seriously, after almost killing me again today, I’m not in the mood.

tWBS:  Remind me not to buy a cowboy hat.  Or chaps.  You may like them too much.

balls:  You know…

The duo exits and walks towards the OK Corral.  The last show of the day has just finished and the actors are walking towards the old courthouse.

balls:  Excuse me, sir.  Can I ask you a question?

Old Cowboy Dude: I reckon so.  What’s on yer mind, pardner?

balls:  You don’t need to do that. I know you’re on your way home.  I’ll make it quick.

Old Cowboy Dude: Don’t know what yer referrin to, but shoot!

balls:  Ok. A long long time ago I was here and one of the cowboys in the show told me about a saloon that was haunted and came to life every full moon.  You know anything about that?

Old Cowboy Dude (looking surprised):  Who told ya that tall tale?

balls:  I don’t remember his name.  He was blonde, I remember that.

Old Cowboy Dude:  Mighta been Dusty.  Bless his heart and rest in peace.

balls:  Oh, I’m sorry.  Did you know him well?

Old Cowboy Dude:  He was one of the old-timers.  Passed away last year.  So, he told you that, huh?

balls:  Yeah.  So, is it true?

Old Cowboy Dude: Fraid not, pardner.  Ole Dusty liked to tell tall tales.  Sorry!

balls (disappointed):  Oh, ok.  Well, thanks.

The Old Cowboy Dude walks away and balls and tWBS head back towards the saloon.  tWBS is barely supressing his laughter.

balls:  Go ahead.

tWBS explodes into laughter.

tWBS:  You totally fell for that!  Man, you were an idiot when you were young!

balls:  Yeah, well.  It was a nice dream.  Let’s go back to the hotel.

Suddenly, the two hear someone saying “Psst” at them from around the corner.  A  lady dressed in Old West clothes calls to them.

Lady dressed in Old West clothes:  Boys, I couldn’t help but overhear.  Are you here for the full moon renaissance?

balls:  You mean it’s true?

Lady dressed in Old West clothes:  Not exactly.  The haunted part is a nice legend, but it’s just that: a legend.  But, a group of us do get together on full moons to re-enact it, so to speak.  Only those that are given the password are allowed inside.  You two seem like decent guys and I saw the car you drove in on.  You may be fun to have at the party.  My name is Tanya.

balls:  Hi.  I’m balls and this is tWBS.

They all exchange handshakes.

Tanya:  One thing about the party:  It’s full costume. You’re going to need to buy some Old West clothes if you want in.

tWBS:  Not a problem!

balls:  Yeah, we’re in!

Tanya:  Ok.  At 10:01 on the dot, knock on the door of the saloon.  When asked for the password, say “Klondike Kate”.

balls:  Got it.

tWBS:  See you later!

Tanya walks away and balls and tWBS head to the last open store to buy outfits.

To Be Continued….