Author: jjfozz

Emily in Paris, Fozz is Dead

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I would like to thank Rikki Tikki Deadman for suggesting I watch this series on Netflix. His recommendation plunged me into a week of pure hell. My mind has been further scrambled, and I walk the long halls of loneliness and despair, festooned with cobwebs, empty bottles of Old Crow,

A Good Walk Completely Spoiled

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Hippo Introduccionero - Hate week could not POSSIBLY be complete without this fine piece of venom. The last time my father hit me was on a golf course. It was a hot, vile day and he and I were on the 9th hole. Does it matter which hole? They all fucking suck. I

Defending the Witch (NOTE: Not my mother-in-law)

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I’m old enough to remember when The Blair Witch was released. The word-of-mouth marketing campaign, the “lost footage” and the use of unknown actors whipped everyone into a frenzy. I finally got a chance to watch it with friends, and when it was over, my sister came up to me and

Fozz at the Movies

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The pain never ends. Life makes sure of that. But sometimes, us masochists go out and seek it. Like inviting my mother-in-law into the house and having CNBC on every screen, and hearing her zap out. Or maybe calling up my own mother and saying, “Boy, I haven’t been feeling good lately.

Fozz At The Movies

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I love to read. I love to watch movies. And I love to get shit faced. Not in that order. One of the hazards of these hobbies is feeling that you need to take a serious look at the classics. I fail miserably at this, and have come to grips with being

A Fiesta of Dirty Vermin: A Guide to Super Bowl Party Attendees

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New Year’s Eve. Saint Patrick’s Day. Super Bowl. What do all of these three events have in common? They are fucking amateur hours. The people who don’t normally drink; or think they’re Irish; or know squat about football, attend these events in order to be part of something. They are vapid beings who all need

Fozz In Charge of America

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Let’s be honest, our nation is F.U.C.K.E.D. It doesn’t matter what side of the aisle these politicians sit on; they wallow like greedy sow at the trough. Rooting and snuffling as the slop plugs their nostrils and causes them to barf, and they eat it up again. They don’t give two soggy

A Frozen House of Horrors

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“April is the cruelest month.” No, Mr. Eliot, you fucking bonehead, April is a great month because it’s getting warm and the sticky black psychosis is draining from my brain and out of my nose. That’s because I’ve made it through another piece of shit winter in Maryland. You can’t sell me

It’s Snowing in Hell

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Maryland sucks for many reasons. First, there’s the decline of Baltimore into the world’s largest shooting gallery. The taxes are flat out murder. And the weather is a fucking joke. The weather in Maryland is more erratic than Margot Kidder gobbling diet pills, chasing them with Everclear, and downing a bottle