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"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio
With the All Star Game tonight in Cincy, and me still high from the fantastic home run derby last night, it’s time for the All Star Game presented by Ferminger’s Viophonographs and Big Lester’s BBQ Freakhouse.
For those of us looking for a place to discuss whether Joe Buck is a bigger tool than Chris Berman, or if Pete Rose should be in the HOF or burned at the stake, here’s a spot.
Have fun tonight, and remember – training camps start next week, so be safe out there.
This All-Star Game gave me a touch of consumption.
Damn.
Bucs gonna have to win the Series on the road.
Good start.
They should have played this whole game with the HR derby clocks going.
ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOLEG
Consarnit, Mark.
Insufferable incompetence.
Tater!
Oh my Jebus, the Reds’ mascot is a horrifying monster with hypnotoad eyes.
He’s not that scary, he’s even kind of lame. I don’t get what you’re so—
ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOLEG
My kingdom for a yellow bar!
Yeah, I’m going to have to figure that shit out before the season starts.
How is the KSK vs DFO rivebrog battle for kommentera going to work?
I got a pop up telling me there was a new comment!
I just installed that. It’s OK but I can do better.
OK, for now, I added a popup when a comment is made. Let me know if you guys hate it.
1 vote for hate, please
Consarn it.
Not overly fond.
So I guess the Cubs aren’t going to get home field advantage in this year’s world series after all.
Time to put some money on the Miami Gators, I guess.
“I could have caught that!”
–People who write to Drew on Deadspin
I’d rather lose my hearing in a rapid decompression accident than be forced to listen to a bro-country concert.
Short ribs with green onion, garlic and chili miso about to go on.
Oh, I almost forgot, Happy Bastille Day, everyone!
I’ll bring the baguettes.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gRCWJLE5zLg/UeMCuAxMLiI/AAAAAAAAAUA/1OV9WGF-C0w/s1600/bastille.jpg
WEAU!!!!
Cardinal Way WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
I’LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS ERIN
Lily is all disappoint ,, smgdh
Erin Andrews, so jelly of Jacob deGrom’s hair.
Come on, Bryce, what the shit
Were those guys doing a Bud Light tating? Here’s a hint, think dirty piss water with hints of sadness.
True story, I was on a work trip where a colleague said he thought Bud Light was the best light domestic beer. I said he wouldn’t be able to recognize beer if beechwood pissed it down his throat. Four of us did a blind taste, Bud Light, Miller Light, Coors Light. I was the only one to get them all right and properly classify Bud Light as the worst of them. The guy from the beginning of this seemingly pointless story ranked Bud Light as the worst, except he thought it was Miller Light.
When you live in St Louis, it’s pretty much everywhere. Jorts and Bud Light errywhur.
I think I saw that Twilight Zone
Damn.
I almost feel sorry for that baseball.
CUTCH WOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTCH
?w=650
he good
Live bears in the stands! Someone call Jackie Moon!
This baseball game got boring, huh? I knew I shoulda huffed more spray paint.
Paper and Packaging?
So this is where all the Kewl Kommenters Kongregate now?
This is being live-brogged from the historic Apollo Theater.
Now that we all feel extra old, a special FUCK YOU to Fox for that segment.
Right? I GET IT THEY ARE YOUNG AND GOOD.
INORITE
OSZ’s charitable activities prompted a thought–what are some of the worst diseases that don’t get enough attention? I was thinking Parkinson’s.
My id wants to chime in that I don’t believe that disease gets a fair shake.
/shows self out
It’s a safe space. If you can’t laugh at a horrific life-ruining disease, what can you laugh at?
Alzheimers. I know there’s a few movements but not as much as cancer, etc. I love old people so much and it breaks my heart. Now I have the sads. THANKS BUD
Yeah, it wrecks individuals and families and could use a lot more $$$ and attention.
Joe Buck can turn your sads into hate…
Lupus can be a motherfucker. Fuck you, House, it CAN be lupus.
Blindness. Nothing terrifies me more than that.
I know a lady at work that could see fine. One day, she fell ill and was gone for a while. She lost her sight. I still don’t know how. The amazing part is that she got training and is now back at work.
Every day I see her it reminds me to be thankful for what I have and to not be a fucking pussy.
Has anyone here had Skyline or Gold Star chile? It’s a Cincinnati tradition. I’m actually just trying to start a hot dog war, but wanted to open with that.
Fuck me. CHILI, not the country
If only I were clever enough to make a somewhat blue pun about some of the more attractive Chilean female fans from the Copa America final from last weekend (or the one before?). Que lastima.
Anyway…just no goddamned beans, or all that weirdo shit on top of it. Good, simple chili will do just fine. I generally find Cincinnati style a bit too sweet for my taste.
I have had both. I used to get Skyline on the night before an event whenever I went to Cincy, because I loved to fart on cheerleading judges.
I’ve had Skyline, not necessarily by choice. It looks and smells the same going in as it does on it’s way back out.
So you’re saying you liked it?
What can I say? I have weird fetishes.
GIVE ME GOLD STAR OR GIVE ME DEATH
Buck just quoted Skip Bayless and there is nothing left to live for and hopefully Cthulu is nigh.
Apparently they have been referring to that whale-shaped feature on Pluto as Cthulu so you may get your wish.
Commercial break options: Home Shopping Network, Sean Hannity, Tosh.O, some kind of American Olympics… What the hell am I supposed to do? Read a book?
Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?
Mastubation? Make a sandwich? Drunk dial Jimmy Carter?
If you call him, taunt him about his shitty paintings. Also, I actually read that piece of historical fiction he wrote, and hooboy, if you want to be creeped out, read a sex scene Jimmy Carter wrote while imagining Jimmy Carter’s voice describing it to you.
That gives me an idea… I’m going to send a Jimmy Johns sandwich covered in spooge to Jeb Bush’s place!
The answer is always opiates.
Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust a bit outside…
Please let this game end in a tie.
When does a drunken Troy Aikman stumble into the booth and start swearing at Buck, while trying to fight Reynolds?
AH WISH AH COULD QUIT YEWWWW
I am currently reading and almost finished with The Orphan Master’s Son by Adam Johnson. It’s been a great read. The action takes place in North Korea and we do get to meet, as a character in the book, the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il.
At one point there is a North Korean band playing a song about Dear Leader’s military achievements.
The name of the song is…
“Speed Battle Haircut”.
And just like that I have the name for my metal band.
I prefer Excellent Horse-Like Lady, personally.
At last, us long suffering Pittsburgh fans have something to cheer for!
I have to get all my asshole Cardinals taunting out of my system tonight, because Gerrit Cole (best pitcher in the NL) is one of many reasons the Dirt Stillers will be in first place once the calendar turns to August, and will stay there.
/godfuckingdamnit
//at least not the Small Bears
It’s amazing how you can have a bad feeling about a team in first place, isn’t it?
That’s what happens when you don’t hit for 5 weeks straight. Even so, I could squint hard enough to say the Redbirds might still be the 2nd best team in el beisbol thinks to the starting pitching, but it’s hard to see how Los Dirt Stillers aren’t significantly better.
Hopefully Holiday will give them a boost when he gets back. They look anemic right now.
You jorts wearing assholes hate him. He dropped a fly ball in the playoffs once! And he isn’t clutch! Worst fans ever (deep breath) (stops rage posting).
I don’t even want to go to Star Wars Night at Busch this year. It feels hollow, rooting for the Baseball Patriots.
Will still probably go.
Jesus fucking Christ. Are all you assholes morans? And you make fun of Pats fans?? Cardinals fans are worse than any NFL fans. Discuss. No? It’s unanimous then.
Cleatus the NFL Robot sighting!
How Riot Cop-y is he this year?
3.5?
He’s going to up his game, now that we have honest-to-Buddha international robot fighting.
Is Harold Reynolds really going crazy about an All-Star caliber first-baseman being able to field a routine grounder right next to 1B and step on the bag without looking at it? Because I’ve got a high-schooler who can do the same thing.
Whenever you let him out of the basement?
How the hell did Harold Reynolds get in my basement? We have got to stop leaving cliches lying around down there; he’ll chew through concrete to get at them.
I’ve the notion that your basement is a cornucopia of 2nd rate annoyances.
Good thing Jhonny was there to get the 2 out hit, after the predictable Small Bear womp womp.
WOO!
So, it doesn’t compare emotionally to Horatio’s shit day, but I’m having a doozy myself. I don’t usually share too much about myself on the internetz, but fuck it, this is a small community and we’re all bored enough to be watching pointless (oh it counts this time?) baseball tonight.
Cuntler and a few others may remember that I mentioned a new job splitting my time between DC and Boulder. Well this is week two in Boulder, and I’m watching this ASG from one of its fine hospitals. I started having these weird chest pains over the weekend, brushed them off as nothing because I’m in my goddamn thirties, and proceeded to fly from DC to Denver Sunday night. They ebbed and flowed a little bit eventually since breathing is a requirement and it feels like someone is stabbing me every time I take a breath, I called a local doctor’s office. They promptly told me to get my ass to the ER. I’ve been here for almost five hours now.
The good news is my heart is fine and I don’t have a pulmonary embolism. The bad news is something is wrong that they can’t figure out. So it’s baseball and my very own episode of house while I should be getting shitfaced on Pearl Street. Yay.
Nothing like the “fuck if we know” diagnosis, especially away from home. Hang in there, man.
UGH. That’s awful. At least they know one bad thing that it isn’t? Hopefully it’s just gas.
Hey best of luck. Have them check you for sprained ribs. It sounds stupid but I’ve done it twice and it is really painful. The last time the ER ran a shitload of tests on me, because I’m in my mid-40’s, only to confirm that I should take a handful of aspirin and go home.
Yikes, man. Please get well soon.
That’s pretty heinous and I wish you the best. I definitely second Horatio’s consideration of the old ribsies. Having had the pleasure of a handful of broken ribs, sternal dislocation, and a hiatal hernia there is little in the realm of thoracic discomfort that seems to feel like making healing an A-No. 1 priority.
But hey, not an embolism! So that’s something, right? Something a little better than Joe Buck, maybe?
It’s actually just exposure to Joe Buck. Same happens to me.
Hope everything goes well! The good news is that the major stuff had been ruled out. I’m with Horatio. It might be a pulled muscle or strain.
Thanks, Gents and Covalent. I didn’t even go to the doc right away because I assumed it was ribs/intercostal muscles. Nope, they ruled that out, too. I’m spending the night.
Fuck. Sorry, babe. I hope you can walk it off. Maybe you should have called your family more often and then the Jewish guilt wouldn’t have manifested itself as a hate blob on your left lung.
SHIT. I just remembered something. About 10 years ago, I was holding a particularly heavy Xmas tree over the stand, waiting for the then-wife to be satisfied it was level so the little anchoring mechanisms could be deployed. It was uncomfortable, but I went about the rest of my day, no problem.
In the middle of the night, I kept waking up having trouble catching my breath. Like you, my chest kind of hurt, and I couldn’t figure out why. Early-mid 30s at the time, about average shape. In the back of my mind, I was like “could I really be having a fucking heart attack?”
But, being a moron, I was too prideful to go to the hospital, I waited to call my primary care doctor when the office opened. She figured out that I had pulled the muscle away from my sternum holding the damned tree, and it was just a time delay until I felt it (and laying flat exacerbated the breathing interference). 3 days of muscle relaxers and sweet, sweet opiates and I was fine.
Yeah, but I’m a Jew.
Okay, I just saw this now because I’m horrible at this so-called Tumbling or whatever the shit this is. Anyway, hang there, bud. We’re here with dick jokes and hate-watching (listening?) to Buck with you.
Rub some dirt on it, pussy.
/ hope you feel better!
Best of wishes, homeslice. If the scans don’t turn up anything, I can make you some of my mother’s broad-spectrum matzoh ball soup
While I generally like baseball, I am not voluntarily inflicting a helping of Joe Buck’s dullness on myself until September at the earliest.
Why did they have Ashton Kutcher design the hats this year?
I think only Pirates players should get to wear them.
This is basically Royals v. Cardinals, right? Go not Cardinals!
Yay, sportball!
God, I hate Joe Buck.
That was the biggest picture of his face that I could procure.
“I hate Joe Buck.”
-God
/there ya go!
Liking Joe Buck is akin to sedition.
Joe Buck is the goddamned worst. Except that Fox ALSO has Harold Goddamned Reynolds now. My teevee box, it is a-muted.
I replaced Joe Buck’s commentary with a sound effect track of pearls being clutched and honestly can’t tell the difference.
Wait, Komrade Hippo, but Buck is an avid fellator of the Cards, and given your penchant for them, surely you have to have a soft spot for him, no?
Prepare for hot taek: I like Joe Buck. Not because he is useful or good at anything aside from saying the cruelest things about the Bengals uniforms, but because in my mind, he and Troy Aikman are on a reality TV show together where they have to live together in a dorm and go to lunch and dress each other up to go to a club and talk about girl problems together. They are the announcer’s equivalent of the Odd Couple, and as a foil for the jockiest of Aikman, I love Buck for being Buck.
Hee hee, nein. Bob Costas is also friendly to the cause and I hate him perhaps even more.
I would watch the hell out of the show in your mind, though.
I am at a bar that is showing Canada playing someone in soccer and a comic book documentary. They must hate America.
Are you at Big Lester’s BBQ Freakhouse?
Oh, two bros in Rockies caps had them change it. USA! USA! USA!
No. World of Beers on the 16th street mall in downtown Denver. Waiting for work people. Hooray?
Curses! Just committed the wife and I to a Sherlock episode.
/I’ll get you next time “Baseball All-Star Game” [shakes fist]
It was VERY late notice. I didn’t even think about it until brettfavrescolonoscopy asked like an hour ago.
I don’t blame you. I blame me indulging my wife for once.
And I only brought it up because I thought snarky things about Joe Morgan using a walker and wanted to hear other people share worse thoughts through an anonymous medium.
I’m glad you did – I’m already having more fun.
To be fair, Sherlock is awesome.
You’re really better off. Sherlock is better than pretty much anything I can think of.
Baseball or Sherlock? Baseball or Sherlock?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jLl_cy7wne8/VMffhuP1VMI/AAAAAAAAbDA/sOXz8NVR8tA/s1600/Irene%2BAdler.jpg
Yeah, not a tough choice.
That was last night. Hound of the Baskervilles tonight.*
*perhaps the weakest episode?
I would like to subscribe to her newsletter.
That was a great episode. The naked lady genius one, not necessarily the Hound of the Baskervilles. Watched them all with my daughter. Good show.
Agreed. The take on “The Red-Headed League” was fantastic.
/I had to read all the Holmes stories at one point in my youth and seeing the originals spun out the way they are…the writing is brilliant.
/also, the cinematography, story-telling, editing, acting, and so forth
Evenin’, bitches.
Evening, your sexiness!
Holy shit, I didn’t even get this up before the first homer.
Somehow, this is relevant.
EDIT: GODDAMN WORDPRESS YOU ARE STUPID!
Sometimes, it just tells you to eat a bag of dicks.
I give up. It was supposed to be that Simpsons steel mill.
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