Preview Parade: New England Patriots

picture credit: John Defreest

So I am not a Patriots fan. At the time we divvied these previews up, DFO did not have a Resident Pats Fan- even our abject depravity has its limits.

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Not many limits, but they do exist

As a Bills fan, I am therefore faced with several options as to how to approach this preview. I could rip off Big Daddy Drew and do a hate-heavy analysis of their off-season moves. Hell, I even have a fashion-abortion polo shirt that I can wear while writing it:

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Not pictured: Chopped stylist who lapsed into a coma when Drew showed her what he wanted to wear.

God knows there is plenty to pick on besides Tom Terrific’s Ball Problems and Bob Kraft acting like that psychotic borderline-personality girlfriend (“Screw the league!” “Let’s hug it out!” “For the good of the league, we will accept the penalty!” “Such betrayal!” /swoon). Belichick has apparently bought back into the mid-2000s media line about the Patriots just being able to plug any mediocre player into their system and still win, because of GRIT and DO YOUR JOB and INSERT CROSSFIT MOTIVATIONAL SLOGAN HERE. They played Jenga with the roster, seeing how many pieces they could remove around Mayo, McCourty, Brady and Gronk without tumbling their tower. With the loss of their illegal second hand steadying the blocks and Goodell giving the table a significant bump with his knee, it might be that year. And fuck them in the earhole rabblerabblerabble.

But no- no one can do Drew better than Drew, and who wants to be the Go-Bots to someone else’s Transformers? I could do a semi-conventional, incredibly boring and mediocre preview and then expect to get paid for it- i.e. The Johnny Sugar.
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Old and desiccated, but still somehow pungent

I could just hit the #GateGhazi highlights, including the typical jokes about New England fans’ reaction:
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Just kidding- Greatriots fans would never be this organized

Or fans of the other AFC East teams:
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But no. Here’s the deal: the Patriots represent the very best and the very worst of modern pro football. The beauty of the game lies in its increasingly intricate strategies and the sheer artistry and athleticism of the men who execute the plays. The plug-and-play nature of the Pats’ system is a tribute to the tremendously high base-level talent currently in the league; even a pedestrian NFL talent has the tools to thrive when used the right way (except for Tim Tebow). And the adaptability of the system speaks to excellent scouting and a profound understanding of game dynamics by the New England coaching staff. The sheer, crushing competence of this team year to year deserves even my grudging respect. Our collective dark secret is that there’s not a thinking fan in the league that doesn’t wish their team could scout, draft and scheme this well.

But then “scheme” can mean two very different things, can’t it? “Coaches are obsessively competitive by nature” is a cliché for a reason, and the parity of the league means that any advantage, no matter how small, can be the difference between a 7-9 disappointment and a 9-7 playoff run. But for most of the last 14 years, there has been precious little reason for the Patriots, of all organizations, to cheat. They are generally dominant to the point where every loss (and even a close win) starts the media chatterbox going about “Are They Done?” because otherwise there isn’t a narrative to be found.

But they cheat anyway. No one I’ve spoken with (including NE fans) believes that taping the Rams’ Super Bowl practice was the only instance of them stealing opponents’ signals, and the stories of mysterious “communications difficulties” for opposing teams at Foxborough are so common as to be nearly cliché themselves. They are the Richard Nixon of the NFL- leading in the polls by 20 points but still so paranoid that we get Watergate. That paranoia, the deep-seated inferiority complex and subsequent pathological obsession with gaining every possible advantage are as much a part of The Patriot Way as substituting the short passing game for the run.

And finally, the fans. I enjoyed hearing from our more reasonable brand of KSK (/pours one out) Pats Fan, because I believe that if we can convert their cognitive dissonance into electricity, we can rip a hole in space-time to travel the galaxy. Hell, if you talk to your average TAWWWWMMMY for long enough, you can actually see a glimmer behind his glassy eyes, the dim light of unconscious realization that “OWAH TEAM WINS AND DOES IT THE RAWGHT WAYH!” doesn’t quite square with “WHO CAHRES- EHVERYBAWDY DOES IT AND THEYAH JUST JEALOUS!” Up until now, they could at least point to Tom Terrific as the trollish-but-otherwise-clean hero who was the REAL reason they won. And so now we get the protestors and loud accusations of a dark conspiracy; because he had been built up as the hero, the last scrubby plant that a Pats fan could cling to in order to keep from falling over the edge of the cliff. It’s a long, long way down, Greatriot Nation, and I don’t envy you that fall.

So yeah. Trying to do a real preview of the Patriots is somewhat pointless, because no one outside the organization really understands how the pieces they have on hand will mesh into their peculiar brand of football. They’ll probably go 2-2 during Brady’s absence and end up in the playoffs- though maybe not winning the division, which will be a nice change. Garappolo will be competentish with one good game (looking at you, Jags) that will raise fans’ hopes. The offense will continue to find holes as if they know what the defense has called *ahem*. If opposing teams can capitalize on Belichick’s questionable secondary and pass rush, maybe we’ll see them miss the postseason

But it really won’t make any difference to the endgame- the paranoia will increase, along with the insidious creeping unease as Pats fans get a preview of the fast-approaching Life Without Brady. But that blend of persecution complex, undue sense of accomplishment and buried anxiety about the future will keep growing and festering. Enjoy the view, Pats Fan, before that last root gives way.

Prediction:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSPNQ82Sq4E&w=420&h=315]