DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.
Yeah but my Cubbies swept the fuck out of the Giants!
You know the best way to make sure they don’t repeat as champs?
Kick that ass to the curb before they get there.
Easy. He’s taping into the Extreme Right vote (15%), but he won’t get more because the Moderate Right and Liberal Right (this is where I am) thinks he’s a comb-overed blow hard who is really trying to get Hillary to win in 2016.
Okay, despite my distaste for the company, Apple’s commercial are usually really good. But “if it’s not an iphone, it’s not an iphone”…what the fuck is that?
Oh, most definitely. But you know what, after this long I don’t really care what it is if it looks like football. I am pretty sure I will have similar feelings about sex in about 40 years.
Kafka was heartbroken when he showed up to training camp driving a Beetle and nobody got the joke. They all just thought that was the best automobile he could afford.
ThePirateSloth
August 9, 2015 7:41 pm
My conference call is still.going.on. after 2 hours. No beer and no foosball make Pirate go something something…
/urge to kill rising
(game is on mute on my 2nd monitor! I do what I want!)
I mean, I know this is preseason, but the Vikings really seem to be trying to play in this scrimmage. I guess I am judging the fact that Asiata has been in for more than 30 seconds.
Place your bets, who is the most angst-ridden tonight:
1) Colin Farrell
2) Rachel McAdams
3) Vince Vaughn
4) Cris Collingsworth on the thought of Brady’s suspension.
Dri Archer.
5) Al Michael’s dry cleaner
Easily #4. Although, he is torn about going against Daddy Rog.
Whaddup aboot de basedballs?
Frank Gifford, scared Chuck Bednarik is waiting on his punk ass in the afterlife.
This is pretty much an accurate depiction of me. Football is on, dick jokes raging, beer in hand, you people are here. YOU PEOPLE,
http://media3.giphy.com/media/kEKcOWl8RMLde/giphy.gif
Yay! And done with a 2+ hour conference call… on a Sunday. It’s coming up Millhouse for Sloth!
Wish I didn’t have to be at HR tomorrow at 8:30, or it’d be beer-thirty now.
Boooo!
What do you mean, you people?
Yay for Mustache Jones!
Crispin pear is pretty good.
As is Crispin Glover. And St. Crispin’s day. In fact, are there any bad Crispins?
http://www.betalevel.com/images/rivers_edge.jpg
Thank jebus you’re here. All of you. Now football can happen.
What happened to Mike Zimmer’s skin? Was he in a chemical fire we weren’t aware of?
It was a Superhero origin story that got its budget slashed before he went through his training montage.
He took a swim in the Ohio River when he was DC for Cincy. He’s lucky he didn’t turn into Metamorpho.
Football. Dick jokes. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!
UNNNH! PEPPERMINT ROLL!
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–qmGsLLAn–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/1938mmp05viicgif.gif
*buzz*
What is “things OSZ’s sexual partners call his junk”?
You seemed to enjoy it well enough. *wink*
Yay! A touchdown! It’s footbaw!
-ish.
First meaningless TD of the (pre) season!
I love you all….. where’s Otto?
They whacked him. They fucking whacked him. Real greaseball shit.
If only we could find him….
We’re trying to locate him, but it’s a bit tricky.
Guys guys guys Rust Cohle showed up with an assault rifle and did the Arnold-Carl Weathers Predator arm wrestling handshake with Colin Farrell.
You’re a twat. Now I don’t need to DVR anything ever, ever again.
You mean the one where they probably had to stop filming and figure out whether they were just going to go ahead and make a gay porno?
Oh, God. Now that I’ve found New Kommentariat, I have to listen to Al and Cris again.
Silver lining: you’ll never have to listen to Frank Gifford again!
Oh that’s good!
But he’s being preserved with potassium benzoate!
Tis a Faustian bargain. And you haven’t even seen an underwear thread yet,
*multiple underwear threads
Signing off for True Detective finale. I may post comments on it unless there are objections from people who are going to watch it later.
If there are any objections than I am DEFINITELY going to post the ending.
OBJECTION!!!!!
This is my Monday morning coffee show (with pauses for my colon).
I’ll be watching it later, I’ll just skip every comment you make.
Rosebud is the sled!
I will not post anything that makes a difference. I would never ruin someone’s morning coffee.
I thought rosebud was something we weren’t supposed to google.
You can Google, we just don’t want to post it here.
http://7.mshcdn.com/wp-content/gallery/harrison-ford-movie-quotes/han-solo-2.jpg
Bucs are fucking up.
The Cards sadly lost, it’s only fair the Dirt Stillers do the same.
D-Backs almost screwed up a walkoff hit because two guys couldn’t run straight for 90 feet, but for reasons they still won.
Yeah but my Cubbies swept the fuck out of the Giants!
You know the best way to make sure they don’t repeat as champs?
Kick that ass to the curb before they get there.
Man, Dri Archer is pretty useless.
He reminds me of Napoleon Kaufman.
Napoleon Bonaparte III
Napoleon Dynamite.
Both are a disgrace to what should be an awesome name?
EXCEPT THIS
http://i.imgur.com/qkJkW.jpg
This is the true Neaopolis (Nablus) dessert:
http://www.discoverycircletours.com/communities/9/004/012/663/759//images/4613694202_399x295.jpg
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanafeh
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41STMGH236L._SS500_.jpg
Fuckin’ Charlie Morton.
When it rains, it fucking pours:
http://www.adslogans.co.uk/site/media/.gallery/main8427.jpg
Hey look at that, s Geico commercial that wasn’t awful, but still needlessly complex!
Waffle fries or garlic fries?
Garlic waffle fries.
Cheesy waffle fries.
Poutine!
Guys? Can I play, too?
Welcome! But you have to explain Donald Trump’s appeal.
Easy. He’s taping into the Extreme Right vote (15%), but he won’t get more because the Moderate Right and Liberal Right (this is where I am) thinks he’s a comb-overed blow hard who is really trying to get Hillary to win in 2016.
Tag, you’re it.
That depends. What’s your alcohol tolerance, and do you have incriminating photos of OSZ?
Not very good but I’m a mellow drunk so you don’t really notice and no.
Those answers are….correct! Welcome!
Who doesn’t?
GODDAMN NSZ!
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–QJ3I9v6C–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/odt50agahqqb0uzvorkg.gif
Yeah, but you’ll be the first one we send down the the planet’s surface on a dangerous mission that includes three other main characters.
So how does a neutral field in Canton compare with Witchita?
More sewage waste?
PK just spit out his Allagash White.
I have the refresh on the comments at 30 seconds. Too long or not long enough?
About right. Any quicker and it would be constant loading
Yea, this seems about right.
It’s fine. Need any $$$$?
Needs more yellow bars.
Not too much AND I don’t feel like I have missed anything significant. Magnificent thus far!
I don’t understand what being “built like a rock from the waist down” means
That Collingsworth is a creepy guy?
That Collingsworth shares a closet with Tom Cruise?
http://johndiesattheend.com/new/photos/bonergod.jpg
Depends- sedimentary, igneous or the other one?
Cuz respectively:
1. Smoothed by wind and water
2. Curiously light and full of holes
3. Craggy.
Ask my wife.
Okay, despite my distaste for the company, Apple’s commercial are usually really good. But “if it’s not an iphone, it’s not an iphone”…what the fuck is that?
If it’s not feces, it’s feces!
That they are putting to rest my latent anxiety that someone slipped me a shitty Apple product when I bought my Android?
Wait? Johnny Deep isn’t dressed as a fop in a movie made in 2015?
Dusted off his Hunter S. Thompson Bald Cap
So this looks…about as compelling as your average HoF Game.
Oh, most definitely. But you know what, after this long I don’t really care what it is if it looks like football. I am pretty sure I will have similar feelings about sex in about 40 years.
Like I always say, sex is like golf. You can enjoy it even f you’re not good at it…but your partners may not feel the same way.
I say that sex is like golf as well- grip it and rip it. And always replace your divots.
I can’t wait for the next time Collinsworth ends up in front of a judge after he just called them all lazy on national television.
NBC, we still have no clue what we’re doing
I wonder if Cris seems to think Brady is unfairly accused?
Blind Spot! See it! See it now, fuckers! Git it!
– NBC
#NBSeeItNowFuckers
They seem unawares that I have already viewed Memento and have no interest in a dumbed down, made for teevee version.
really liked that movie.
Blind Spot would be a much better show if it were about a seeing eye dog who is also blind.
Justice is blind!
That’s the one about the dog who is also a lawyer who is also blind.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lre4klglpH1qj5hy3o1_250.gif
Blind Spot VFA:
http://webeye.ophth.uiowa.edu/eyeforum/tutorials/VF-testing/VF-tutorial-1.gif
I’ll be godammned this really looks like a rive brog!
Nice job DTZM.
See OSZ for your free blowjob.
Quick, someone fire up them photoshops for a “1 Free OSZ Blow Job” Coupon.
I have my limits, sir!
Plus, I’m on my laptop, and PS is on my imac desktop. Maybe tomorrow.
HEY! I never said it was free. YOU GOTTA WORK FOR THIS SORT OF SKILL!
Awww thanks guys! Hopefully it holds up! Also, those are my actual fingers being crossed up there in that image.
[kicks rock jealously]
– Jason Pierre-Paul
Your fingers kind of look like a penis if you squint.
How drunk is Al now? How much molestation has Cris committed?
In equal measure.
I’m in a cab from the Denver airport, so I’m missing the game. Do the Vikings look as shitty as I hope they do?
Walsh can’t kick, so yeah.
of course Train is part of the Pats opening “celebration”
The insect QB will still be better than Landry Jones, methinks.
Kafka was heartbroken when he showed up to training camp driving a Beetle and nobody got the joke. They all just thought that was the best automobile he could afford.
My conference call is still.going.on. after 2 hours. No beer and no foosball make Pirate go something something…
/urge to kill rising
(game is on mute on my 2nd monitor! I do what I want!)
Also, you’re welcome, friendly Green Bar, for thanking me for my dick joke.
Green Bar = new yellow bar?
Yeah, I didn’t know exactly what to put there.
Sssh! Sill will steal it to add to his collection.
I mean, I know this is preseason, but the Vikings really seem to be trying to play in this scrimmage. I guess I am judging the fact that Asiata has been in for more than 30 seconds.
Oh good I forgot how much the networks push their subpar programming during NFL games.
But what is Amy Schumer doing?
“I’ve personally never pulled any content for a sponsor. So, no, I have no interest in that.” – Chris Mottram
Yes, but have you pulled anything *else* for a sponsor? Maybe they offered you $5 to tug on something for them? Come on, tell us, we won’t judge.
I saw that too. Probably my last visit to KSK and tomorrow’s True Detective thread will be my last visits to Uproxx.
I can’t imagine KSK is going to stay around with every second comment being “You suck asshole”, but I’m not going to say I didn’t laugh.
They do seem to have gotten around to deleting the German Scheisse porn.
How do you folks like your archers?
Me, I like em DRY! Dri?
http://www.bite.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/drinking-moonshine.gif
…
… ___ …
Does Goldblum really need money?
Do you not?
Yes, yes he does.
LeSean McCoy really likes this Stingily fellow. He’s reached out and invited him to lunch.
You really got to hand it to him.
Man, I really wish I had Bud Light to tell me how to feel right now.
#upfornotthatmuch
I have a Sam Adams because I was busy all day and the package stores close at 5 in CT.
#upforwhatever’sleftinthefridge
No ads = confoozing
What’s happenin’ muhfuhs!
Sunday Gravy post is up and I’m fucking worn out.
Do you know how much work I put into that shit!
well, it’s a lot.
The writing while cooking thing is probably the most tasking thing I’ve done mentally. Still lot’s of fun.
SKOL Vikings!
The KSK is dead. Long live DFO!
Let’s do this. Fuck UPROXX
Guys, I’m…I’m scared.
Then go BEASTMODE!
BEEFMOE!
Me too.
Hold me.
Not me – I’m excited!
/pops another caffeine pill.
You made it this far, and the band’s back together! We got this.
Holla! Let’s do it!
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/t_original/19e044yem88ftgif.gif