Random NFL Preseason Thoughts And My Air Conditioning Is Broken

  • This may be the year Andrew Luck gets the support he needs to reach the Super Bowl.
  • The Steelers will miss Le’Veon Bell for the first two games, but come playoff time, his lack of wear will be welcome.
  • It’s supposed to be about 100 degrees in Southern California today, and I have no air conditioning.
  • I don’t know how Green Bay expects to replace Jordy Nelson, but I suspect the James Jones signing will help.
  • Jimmy Graham won’t be used as much as he was in New Orleans, but he’s a key weapon for the Seahawks.
  • If it gets too warm in my house, am I legally allowed to sit on my lawn in a Speedo and drink Mai Tais?
  • The Texans are a sneaky wildcard play this year, even if they have no actual quarterback on the roster.
  • The first time Sam Bradford gets sacked, I fear a Humpty Dumpty situation.
  • Jerry Jones might be the reincarnation of JP Getty except without all the chromosomes.
  • The weird thing about not having air conditioning is that I start to feel sorry for people worldwide who don’t have air conditioning, then I just get mad and yell at the TV.
  • Obviously, Tom Brady cheated. Obviously, Roger Goodell overstepped his bounds when he suspended Brady. Obviously, Patriots fans are insufferable douchebags.
  • I like the Miami Dolphins to win the AFC East this year, but I also thought Dan Marino would have multiple Super Bowl rings.
  • If I don’t get the air conditioning fixed soon, I’m going to raid the neighbors’ houses for ice. I have a small pickaxe and a slingshot, but I am also out of shape and weak.
  • The Bears’ quarterback situation won’t be settled until Jay Cutler changes his attitude and/or they trade for a non-cat.
  • I really hope the Raiders move to Los Angeles, because I want to watch the world burn. To be totally honest, I want the Voyagers to be the 33rd NFL team and play their home games in the sand at Newport Beach.
  • While overheating in my house, my thoughts have mainly turned to whether Genghis Khan would have impregnated even more Mongolian women had his yurt been cooler.
  • The Arizona Cardinals make no sense from a location/nickname standpoint. They should be the Roadrunners.
  • Joe Flacco is elite.
  • The Carolina Panthers are really going to miss Kelvin Benjamin, as he is the only person with the combination to the safe.
  • If it gets any hotter in herre, I’m taking of all my clothes as per Nelly’s instructions.
  • The Washington Redskins’ decision to replace their home jerseys with “Choose Life” t-shirts will pay big dividends.
  • Blake Bortles boldly blows bubbles blindly beside bamboo buildings.
  • Heat-related mirages generally look like palm trees according to cartoons, so why is Jim Nabors sitting on my couch?
  • When Glenn Frey sang “The Heat Is On,” damn, that was a terrible song.
  • I finally understand the term “swamp ass” but I didn’t anticipate so many alligators.
  • My Super Bowl 50 pick is Green Bay over Pittsburgh.
  • When the air conditioning goes out in your house, do not strip naked and sit in a vinyl chair.
  • It is too hot today.


SonOfSpam has often derided other cultures, mainly yogurt. His work has often been described as “not there” and “imaginary.” He currently lives with several other people, at least until they find out.

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SonOfSpam has often derided other cultures, mainly yogurt. His work has often been described as "not there" and "imaginary." He currently lives with several other people, at least until they find out.
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Beerguyrobmonty this seems strange to meballsofsteelandfurySonOfSpamCuntler Recent comment authors
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monty this seems strange to me

No wonder your TAEKS are so HOT.


This is just beautiful.

Also, how the F do you not have AC in Orange County? I thought that was practically required or it would drive down the neighbor’s property values…

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

I can’t remember when it was, but NPR had a good piece a few years back about how air conditioning makes us less able to handle heat. Back in the olden days before A/C, as spring warmed into summer, our bodies acclimated to the hotter temperatures and we didn’t mind it so much. Nowadays, having A/C has stopped our bodies from acclimating, and so we “feel” the heat more.

There’s an analogy in how a 68-degree day in July gets people scrambling for jackets, but a 50-degree day in January has people running around in shorts.

Worst heat I experienced was when I returned to Ohio from the Middle East. Spent the entire summer without A/C, in 100-degree heat with low humidity. Ohio’s 85 degrees with 90% humidity made me want to murder every droplet of water in the atmosphere.


There’s definitely something to that. I can stand pretty much any heat, but if I’m in a nice cool air conditioned room and I’m blasted in the face (PHRASING!) with heat the second I walk outside, it makes it worse.

The converse is also true. I was walking around downtown at lunch today and I was fine until I walked into the building and the AC was blasting. I felt fucking cold.


I sympathize. I had to go to Palm Springs twice this summer to help pack up my mom and move her to a seniors complex. The fun part was clearing away 20 years of storage & packrattery from the garage.

First visit: temps were 113,115,118,115
Second visit: temps were 112, 114, 110, 107, 105



But it’s a dry heat!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

When I lived in Sydney I didn’t have air conditioning at all.

I saw more movies in that one year than in the five years before and after combined.


Oh, it’s too hot today.


Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons



I drafted my fantasy football team last night, wasted five hours of my life, got drunk, and can’t remember one fucking dude on my team. I hate fantasy football.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

I had a week of internet exile (imposed on me due to stuff with my wife), and so missed out on both my fantasy drafts.

I ended up with Blake Bortles as my top QB on one team.


Whatever happened to the DFO prediction post?

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

You monster.


My Super Bowl L pick without any thought whatsoever is, Dallas v Denver. Denver beats NE in the conference championship game and Pats fans are butthurt because the refs are blatantly going out of their way to ensure that Fetushead shitting the bed won’t cost Denver a AFC championship.

Also, as someone who grew up a LOLphins fan, but wasn’t watching the NFL until a few years after Marino’s Super bowl appearance, I never liked Shula. Dan the Man should have had one Super bowl ring, damnit.


I think the word “yurt” needs to be used more often in modern conversation.

This is also one of those damn days where there isn’t a ton of relief at the beach. We’re supposed to get to 85! The horror!

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I need a survivor pool pick for this week. Looking at NE, Indy, DEN. What say you?!


You should be a real gunslinger and pick Buffalo.


Why does everyone think New England is going to kill Pittsburgh? They have no secondary or defensive line. So what I am saying is that you should pick New England.


None of those choices are appealing.

Enrico Pallazzo

I believe that you are now qualified to be an editor at Deadspin what with your no A/C takes.


Cards are native to the Valley. Just spotted this morning:

comment image


Also, I only recognize “The Heat is On” after being introduced to Axel Foley.


Even if you did have AC, the power company has called for a “flex alert” so they charge you more for the power you use between 11am and 6pm. You know, the hottest part of the day,


I read all of this in Norm Macdonald’s Larry King voice.

Horatio Cornblower

Sounds like you should go to your local public library and sit there until closing time with all the other sweaty weirdos.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Or the movie theater. I’m pretty sure you can sit through at least two screenings of the Zack Efron movie without losing more brain cells than an average evening of binge drinking