[DFO Claimer: this preview was handled mainly by Covalent Blonde with me peppering in some insanity. Giddy up.]
/lights Marlboro Red
Ya’ll wanna hear ‘Freebird’?
I am Irsay.
Out of the last 15 years, my Colts have made playoff appearances in all but two seasons. In fact, since 2012, Indianapolis has been steered by young, talented, and woefully hairy—yet balding—Hod… errr, Andrew Luck and has faithfully ushered them to the playoffs in his tenure and has claimed Division Championships. To be fair, my Colts are in the AFC South, and the Dallas Stars are nearly in contention for that honor. Like Luck, Pagano returns this season to try to organize these Super Bowl contenders, though rumors that disagreement with GM Ryan Grigson means that it is Super Bowl 50 or pack it up for the scrappy Pagano. Ultimately, they finished last season with a pretty acceptable 11-5 season, their third 11-win season consecutively.
However, it was neither Pagano nor Luck that dominates our memories of my Colts season last year. Indeed, everything accomplished by my team seemed to be largely swept wholly under the rugs save for two major events: my Professional Conduct “Unbecoming” suspension and the seemingly endlessly maligned Deflateballghazigate. The former was tragic and tragically humorous and the latter has had more ink spilled than I can fathom and has done a wonderful job of obfuscating the horrible violence of last season by enshrouding this season in administrative clusterfuckery.
On the whole, I tend to overlook special teams, but 42 year-old Vinatieri put 140 points on the board. 140. Compared to the 40 TD Luck garnered last year, Vinatieri added almost 60% of Luck’s contribution. Good show, you geriatric wizard! Also, Pat McAfee is still here…
All Hail McAfee!
Let’s take a look at what we can expect to find floating down the gravy river ahead for this season…
/pops expired prescription drugs
I’m going to be optimistic for good things from the defense. It should be from corners Vontae Davis—assuming the groin injury can be overcome—and Greg Toler. Rookie D’Juon Smith might have hopes as a cornerback assuming he gets regular season action without getting concussed out of the game. Unfortunately, the guarded prognosis in my Colts backfield isn’t the worst news: it is the abysmal pass rush, bleh.
/lights Marlboro Red
Henry Anderson joins my Colts at DE from Stanford and might bring some help in backing up the seasoned Kendall Langford. Trent Cole also joins Indy from the Eagles and may bring a ray of sunshine to the LB slots. The current plan is that a healthy Robert Mathis rejoins for a healthy season after an Achilles disaster last year. Trying to patch up their leaky bucket of a defense, Bjoern Werner moves over to strongside LB for a spell to see if he can bring some pressure against opposing QBs, though keeping with a theme of questionable health, Werner has been taking some extra days off over the weeks to try to try to stave off a shoulder injury taking him out for parts of the season.
Hit-or-miss defensive efficacy beleaguered Indy last season, especially when their opponents seem un-phased by their anemic pass rush and with misguided optimism, restructuring might work out to a better defensive strategy for the Colts this year.
/pops expired prescription drugs
People! I have sought out the help of Wide Receiver Andre “The Giant” Johnson to aid us in our quest for Super Bowl 50 glory! He comes from a team in a far away land so obscure that even the people known as “hipsters” have not heard of his origins. His replacement of Reggie Wayne should prove fruitful, even if my plan to plant Ol’ Regg as a spy with the Troll Bradys has proved to be less so. Curse that evil genius Belichick and his Kraftian deep pockets! Along with T.Y. Hilton, Donte Moncrief, Dwayne Allen, and Coby “dude my mouth’s not that big” Fleener, we should be a pass catching force to be reckoned with!
To help further shore up the offense, Frank Gore is here by way of the San Francisco Tech Gian…errr, 49ers. Replacing the lost Blind Boy from Alabama Trent Richardson. That guy needed directions to make it to the correct locker room every game! I had to let Boom Herron go, though… Man, I’m gonna miss my binges with Boom Herron. Did I say binges? I meant AA meetings.
12-4 is not out of reach for my Colts. Look at that Depth Chart! Tying it all together is our anchor! Our rock! Hodo… errr, Andrew Luck!
This preview is going off the rails faster than the AFC Championship.
/pupils dilate
WE ARE IRSAY!
Irsay is still the World’s Most Interesting Douchebag. I bet he thinks those Dos Equis commercials are about him.
Maybe if Jim’s Papa had been more into the pills, it would have better covered up his batshittiness. I mean, Jim is batshit, but at least a few degrees better than Bob. Which is like saying he’s the tallest guy in the midget circus.
31 yrs later and I’m still not bitter. Go Ratbirds.
Expired oxy is perfectly good. It might be, like 95% potency, but still perfectly good.
THE MORE YOU KNOW…
For my birthday I would like to have one solid swing at Irsay with the guitar he is holding. Just one.
A lot of people don’t know this but I actually won the AFC South in 2012. I got a phone call saying I had won and I was as surprised as anyone.
I got the same call. All I had to do to claim my prize was go to the police station and sign in. Damn if they didn’t find out I had unpaid tickets and throw me in jail. And I still didn’t get the trophy.
I got one too! turns out it was just a BOGO coupon for a Milkshake from Steak & Shake… I ain’t complainin’ though.
As you can see, I haven’t the slightest idea what Prescription Drugs do what and to whom. Neither does Jim Irsay, apparently.
You haven’t hung out with a certain King and/or a certain strange Office worker enough…
Q: What’s Jim Irsay’s favorite kind of beer?
A: A pills-ner.
/A pills-ner is like Skittlebrau except all of the floating “candy” is oxycontin.
Bud light oxyritas are pretty good too.
#upforwhatever #downforthecount
I’ll take 30!
Cuntler and I have shit on the state of Indiana on Twitter enough as it is. WYTS does it yearly.
DFOers, IT’S YOUR TIME
I love that GIF of Admiral Neckbeard. It reminds me so very much of a simian aggression video from the Antwerp Zoo and teeth-bearing.
Oh, Irsay. There is a little of you in all of us, and a lot of coke in all of you, good sir.
The weird part is that there were so many to choose from…. Don’t google ‘Andrew Luck gif’, trust me on this.
The only DFOer who has earned the “We are Irsay” patch might be Robert Klemko.