No Pants? No Problem. Your Early Slate of Games

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!

GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.

KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.

Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.

Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.

Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.

Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.

Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.

 

EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/09/13/taste-the-pants-free-lifestyle-your-late-games-open-thread/

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Comments Refresh Automatically, No Need to Reload!”

-DFO

“What?”

-Javon Belcher

...

Jesus.

ProzacElf

Wooooo! I found the place boys!

JustStopDude

Oh god…I think TE just died in the end zone for the Dolphins.

It looks fucking bad!

Spur

By the end of 2030, will we have more movies about Abraham Lincoln or Steve Jobs?

Infinite Jets

More Lincoln movies, but Jobs will have replaced Lincoln on the $5

Senor Weaselo

By 2030 all movies will be biopics, remakes, or superhero movies. Or some combination of the three.

Shogun Marcus

Why is there Ginger Hammer at my game?

packman_jon

It’s more likely than you think

Mother Puncher

I have the TV on mute. Why do the Browns keep kicking extra points?

packman_jon

Because Browns

Senor Weaselo

48-yard extra point. Excellent.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

The Rams are still competitive in the 2nd Quarter. WHO ARE THESE IMPOSTERS

WCS
King Hippo

Better now that Sweet Dee is here!

JustStopDude

Its the start of the Johnny Football Era!!!

Romonobyl

RECEIVER’S LIVES MATTER!!!!

John Difool

#BlackDrivesMatter

...

I was just forced to watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OEKr3OIAj8

John Difool

How very [*Redacted] s.

King Hippo

FUCK IT, I will do the money sign for the goofy bastard if he’s too sober to do it!

Stabby Pants

Brief signs of competence by the [*Redacted] s appear to have been anomalous.

ThePirateSloth

Russell Wilson beisbol reference! DRINK

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

God fucking damnit Cromartie.

Smithchez

Watching Cromartie get burned? When did we travel back to 2013?

Grummmmble

Manziel / McCown is just like Brady / Bledsoe! Nobody denies this!

Mother Puncher

Rehab-down!

Thrillhouse

Manziel with a nice scramble, gets brought back by a chopblock. It almost doesn’t even feel right to rip on the Browns anymore.

Spur

Hey guys!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moonbatting Average

What’s she readin’ for?

makeitsnowondem

Pretty disrespectful to air a commercial about heads exploding during a Chiefs game.

packman_jon

Of course Troy Aikmen is a fan of Colin Cowherd

King Hippo

They are probably blowing one another.

...

In Aikman’s defense, he really thinks that talking hyena is adorable.

Spur

Colin Cowherd is alright when he sticks to college football. Everything else he needs to not talk about.

Smithchez

Oh great, we’re gonna lose to that alcoholic midget

Senor Weaselo

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

That is exactly the worst that can happen.

Infinite Jets

The Browns new shade of orange is the same color your piss would be after taking a kidney shot from 80’s Mike Tyson.

King Hippo

Filling out my last slots in 20-man roster auction league when down to $1 bids, I took Ty Montgomery and Jeff Janis instead of James Jones (I have Rodgers), who I thought would just be insurance. FUCK EVERYTHING.

Thrillhouse

In your defense, with Jordy being out, picking up a white WR in Green Bay wasn’t the worst of ideas..

Thrillhouse

Of course Randy Bullock is the first to miss a PAT. Of course.

Doktor Zymm

And the gradual decimation of the secondary begins…

John Difool

Duke IheartNachos R.I.P.

Smithchez

A fullback dive, so imaginative!

makeitsnowondem

Did the Texans just draw first blood on missed extra points?

King Hippo

Goddamnit, where is Blue??

Doktor Zymm

Mmmm, sweet, delicious football. And tasty hawaiian beer. Life is good.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The Browns could bring back Eric Metcalf today, and he might be the fifth best player on the roster.

Senor Weaselo

FB Dive is for 4th and 1!

(This was supposed to go down one more.)

Smithchez

HB Dive for one yard is the only play in the book the Jets have for 3rd and short.

makeitsnowondem

Yeah, Texans are definitely just using Hopkins as a decoy this season.

makeitsnowondem

OR NOT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

makeitsnowondem

This is my most successful reverse jinx of all time.

Moonbatting Average

While you’re at it, pick the Ravens to win in Denver

Romonobyl

Hoyer accidentally threw it to the right player.

Romonobyl

That’s twice!

King Hippo

I have Kelce in my money league, but my other 5 starters have combined for like 1.5 points.

Smithchez

Cobra Kai Fails

JustStopDude

Hi I’m Peyton Manning and I got direct TV.

And I am Eli Manning and I got cable.

With Direct TV, I get plenty of channels and I can follow as many games as I want.

With Cable, I can’t….I also get my hand stuck in this jar all the time.

Don’t be like Eli…get Direct TV.

Infinite Jets

Josh McCown SUPER INTENSE FACE GIF plz

Doktor Zymm

Bah, playing it safe fails again. Grow a backbone chubby gruden.

makeitsnowondem

Is this Hoyer Country?

Mother Puncher

We can’t stop here!

Romonobyl

If the country is an airless, desolate landscape where bacteria can’t even survive…then yes.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

These Browns jerseys look like knockoffs made in Taiwan. Take that, second-hand industry!

American Pie Story

In case you were wondering how Humps-Bills is going, zzzzzzzzz

King Hippo

Yeah, RZ showed one play, penalty on a checkdown to Clay.

Mother Puncher

Oh shit. It’s Manziel time.

King Hippo

OH YEAHHHHHHH!!!!

Senor Weaselo

Chris Ivory’s doing a bang-up job of doing everything he can to back to the line of scrimmage.

Romonobyl

Oh Houston…now you know why nobody cares.