No Pants? No Problem. Your Early Slate of Games

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!

GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.

KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.

Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.

Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.

Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.

Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.

Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.

 

EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/09/13/taste-the-pants-free-lifestyle-your-late-games-open-thread/

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Porky Prime

“Dolphins…[*Redacted] s…those rain gutters aren’t going to clean themselves.”

Stabby Pants

That was…that was a level of fail that I have never seen before.

King Hippo

I really overpaid for Lamar Miller at auction. 0.2 points against the goddamned [*Redacted] s.

Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

Yeah, I think the fins have forgotten he’s on the team.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Soon or later the Seahawks will realize that the Rams defense is just their front four.

IronAvenger6491

Huh….so the Bills might have a good Defense or something.

Stabby Pants

This Dolphins/Skins game is the Stoppable Force meeting the Movable Object.

John Difool

It’s almost Kafkaesque. It should be televised in black & white in the pouring down rain with the entire crowd wearing trenchcoats.

Gatoraids

The Browning Noise meeting the Full Portapotie

Smithchez

Shonn Green’s empty locker:

Gatoraids

Foles with the is that a football face

Doktor Zymm

I have successfully drank and footballed away my hangover!

Senor Weaselo

Wooo!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

A little “hair of the dog” helped me.

/Literally. My dog is asleep on my chest.

Porky Prime

Now you’re messin with a son of a bitch.

Senor Weaselo

“Missed extra points are exciting, you guys!” -Rules committee

Moonbatting Average

We now have 2 missed PATs in the first half

King Hippo

Second XP derp of the day! Huzzah, rules comittee!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Kicking is too easy, you guys! People want to see missed kicks!

How to reengage Jay Cutler

1. Withhold his insulin;
2. Force Kristin to wear a chastity belt;
3. Threaten to vaccinate children;
4. Propose trade to Jaguars.

acmegoesboom

5. Give him Marb lights instead of Marb reds.

John Difool

Only give him half a can of 9 Lives instead of a whole one.

acmegoesboom

Take all the tuna pieces out of his Meow Mix.

Stabby Pants

So, the Bears just lucked into a comptent coaching staff because two other organizations decided they hated winning?

King Hippo

Sort of. He has a shelf life, and a ceiling. But when your franchise is in “dumpster fire” mode (as the Panthers after Siefert and the Broncos after McDaniels), Fox is about the perfect fix-it guy to bring in.

indieguy

fuck you and your fracking

King Hippo

The DON’T CAAAARRRRRE hurry-up is glorious to behold.

Spur

Rex Ryan is racist because he gave carries to not Lesean McCoy.

John Difool

Somebody slipped Cutler some catnip.

acmegoesboom

Cutler had the reflexes of a cat on that run.

Spur

He saw a pack of Marlboros and ran straight toward it.

Shogun Marcus

Troy-“Dom Capers has to be wondering what to do as a defensive playcaller.”
Umm…call defensive plays for once? First time for everything.

Smithchez

FEEL THE FITZMAGIC!!!!

Gatoraids

Pulls a dead rabbit of hat

Huzzah!

WCS

Why do the Jets look competent?

trollsoharduniversity

Answer: Browns

King Hippo

Factory Backdrop

Senor Weaselo

Woo Deckerdown!

Grummmmble

I took Tyler Lockett with my last pick and he has more points than anyone else on my team so far. Course that’s from the bench.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Somehow, I have Lockett, Austin, and Decker on my bench.

Moonbatting Average

Haha! Fuck the Colts.

Spur

Tyrod is going to get hurt from running too much.

King Hippo

Old TestamentDOWN in Jax!!

Spur

Coneheads was a great movie.

Romonobyl
Beerguyrob

Cutler looked like he was having a smoke while waiting for the two-minute warning.

JustStopDude

Miami has a lot of options. They could throw an interception. They could fumble. They could botch the snap…

Moonbatting Average

Very nearly took option 1

King Hippo

Had a [*Redacted] open in the corner, but underthrew him

John Difool

He’s throwing lasers to the receivers in the stands wearing Dolphins jerseys.

Spur

I really want Draft Kings and Fan Duel to go away.

Senor Weaselo

Is it me or is the Jets secondary having more problems with the Browns than I’d expect?

Beerguyrob

You would think New York guys in uniform would have no problem hitting Browns.

King Hippo

Good day to be a kicker.

American Pie Story

Except in Buffalo

American Pie Story

Aaaaaaaand Vinatieri shanks the kick. God this game blows.

JustStopDude

Tannehill (however you fucking spell it) makes me want to punch a fucking baby.

I don’t even like the fucking Dolphins…How does he consistently miss open wide fucking receivers?!?

Spur

Was Trestman just a really bad coach? Because the Bears look better than I remember last year.

...

Yes. Yes he was.

Beerguyrob

It was the exchange rate. It throws off all valuations.

King Hippo

This is why I bet $22 imaginary on them!

aceg

Bad at coaching, but good at giving out candy to little kids, so there’s that…

Beerguyrob

Great start for JJ Watt. Andy Reid should send him some ribs after the game.

Moonbatting Average

So. Many. Flags. (CHI/GB)

...

Please, please, please let the Bears derpiness rub off on the Packers.

ThePirateSloth

I don’t think you want Bears rubbing off on anything… unless you paid for it.

acmegoesboom

AR just smiled at that thought

Beerguyrob

Rubbing is too much energy for Cutty.

Doktor Zymm

So there is a Cooley jersey in attendance and there’s a running count of times the camera shows rg3. We’re up to 7, the pregame over under was 10. Also a whole lotta awesome! (says the [*Redacted] s fan who started jordan reed)

Senor Weaselo

That is a nice catch by Hartline.

You gotta he shitting me.

Spur

Rodgers just grabbed the refs tits

acmegoesboom

He likes the moobs.

JustStopDude

Discount double check.

JustStopDude

The commercials during footballs always fascinate the shit out of me. Especially the commercials for TV programs because I don’t watch TV other than sports.

Who watches this shit? I can’t help but picture a lot of board pets because someone forgot to turn off the TV.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Whoa!

ThePirateSloth

Commentception

JustStopDude

I have no clue how I managed that. I think its cause I am streaming Redzone on the computer at the same time comment and reading here.

JustStopDude

I have no clue how I managed that. I think its cause I am streaming Redzone on the computer at the same time comment and reading here.

JustStopDude

The commercials during footballs always fascinate the shit out of me. Especially the commercials for TV programs because I don’t watch TV other than sports.

Who watches this shit? I can’t help but picture a lot of board pets because someone forgot to turn off the TV.

JustStopDude

The commercials during footballs always fascinate the shit out of me. Especially the commercials for TV programs because I don’t watch TV other than sports.

Who watches this shit? I can’t help but picture a lot of board pets because someone forgot to turn off the TV.

John Difool

J.J. Watt in full uniform and pads while deep in the forest chopping wood because he forgot to pack a pair of jeans and a flannel.

Spur

So the Texans wanted Hoyer? Like, they trade for him or something.Yes?

Thrillhouse

They’re collecting all of the Patriots jetsam, figure there might be something worthwhile.

The football gods look down upon Jets-Browns, and show their displeaure.

Gatoraids

Ye they shall charting their lack of accomplishment

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